Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

1. Go to your interview and smash it.
2. S.T.I. Test - this would normally be number 1.

He is a disgusting piece of shit, risking your health, your marriage, your sons happiness for what? A shag?

Be prepared for every excuse. Lonely, didn't think you loved him anymore, curiosity, nevwr did anything, is addicted and will get help, promises promises promises.

You have your proof. He cannot deny anything.
I'm sorry you are going through this but you sound very strong and you will manage just fine.

You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed about and I would tell EVEEYONE, what a disgusting pos he is.

wow that is pretty horrific. I am sure you will be i. Shock. People can be so cruel. Look after yourself in the coming days.

Wishing you luck for your interview. I really hope once that is out of the way you’re able to think more clearly about next steps. He has disrespected you and I would find his behaviours absolutely unforgivable. I doubt you’d ever be able to trust him again. You and your son will survive. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’m so sorry this is happening - but you need to remind yourself that your husband is, in fact, an extremely poor role model, whereas you are showing your son what a strong woman looks like. Very best of luck for today. :-)

I hope you do great in your interview OP! And no matter what I’m sure there will be other opportunities too.

Once that’s out the way you can sit and have a proper think about how you want to proceed and either way do get an STD check.

Also wanted to say you state he’s always been a great male model but even before using prostitutes he seems to have a string of harmful addictive behaviours including porn which often goes hand and hand with the kind of issues we see outlined in Adolescence.

I think perhaps you’ve been wearing rose tinted glasses, which is understandable, but now is the time to really give those glasses a wipe and see him as he is.

A good father figure/male role model is important for little boys (and girls) but the key word is good. Sadly your son doesn’t have that, a good father figure , in your husband whether he stays or goes so don’t let that be the thing that makes you stay.

depending on custody arrangements living apart from him may even enable you to shield your son from some of your husbands misogynistic behaviours as your son grows older and starts to be capable of noticing more things.

Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc

His Daddy is his idol and has always been a great role model

This is a terrible role model. I wouldn't want a man who uses prostitutes anywhere near my son.

Good luck for your interview op, I think you'll smash it, you sound like a really strong woman. Long term your son will be better off with time away from this terrible influence.

He is not a good role model. Imagine if he had woken your son up last night in that state. Your son would have been confused and scared.

This us not something I could ever forgive. You will resent and play pick me for the next 10 years until you snap.

Have a look on benefits websites and you will also get approx 15 percent of his salary in maintenance. Then rebuild your life without this pervy let down.

nothing to add specifically, but best of luck with your interview go and smash it!

Good luck in your interview.

Personally I would concentrate on that and when you speak to your husband tonight I would read him the riot act about the drunk state he came home in before your interview, tell him he was a jerk, accuse him of sabotage
your chances but not about the rest. Enough so that you can be mad at him and moody but without warning him that you potentially have had enough.

I would then get my ducks in a row, get tested, speak to a solicitor, set up another bank account if needed, get documents together and work out what you want. Personally I couldn’t forgive him and I would want out. I would work out the exit plan, look for another rental or somewhere else to live and get that all sorted, with copies of bank statements and then tell him when it’s all in hand.

There have been some very inspiring threads of women in similar situations on here and you will come through this ok. Do you really want to spend your life wondering if he is with other women?

Go to interview (best of luck!).
Go to solicitor.
Get STI. test
Then tell H that you want a divorce. The fact you have done the previous 2 points first shows you are serious about it.

Good luck in your interview. You’ve got lots and lots of people crossing their fingers for you!

I don't think that there is anything that I can add that OPs haven't already said.

Sending you hugs & wishing you luck in your interview.

If you & DH separate it doesn't mean that he won't be in DS's life - he may even be a better daddy as when he has DS with him he will be able to give DS his full attention.

Oh, and get an STi test urgently.

@beingstrongmumma I hope you managed to focus on the interview today. You mentioned joint savings from the house sale - can you move half of that money/joint money to a sole account? I cannot see how you can stay in this relationship.

Good luck with your interview. You are an amazing woman.

First, so sorry this has happened to you. If it’s any comfort, as little as it may offer, you are not alone in this. I’m personally shocked by the amount of similar stories I’ve read on MN, as you have also mentioned.

Take a few days to calm down and think about things. There is no way back from his disrespect and deceit, not to even mention putting your health at risk from STIs. But you say you have two more years to finish your course. If it benefits you to put off confronting him and separating until then, then do consider that. He has shown himself to be 100% selfish and to be putting his self interests first, so you could do the same.

Thanks for these messages. I am out of the interview which went well. Just having coffee to reflect and regroup before I head back home and spend the afternoon with my son and my husband I suppose. My son was really looking forward to family time this weekend so that’s another thing to feel sad / mad about.

Where / how do I get an STI test these days that’s easy and quick please?

Does anyone know how I find out where I would stand financially, and with our rented home, etc should we separate / divorce? I literally have no idea where to start.

I’m so worried about the upheaval on my son. He’s so steeled and happy in our small home and at school.

I’m thinking of booking a solo session with our couples therapist. She specialises in supporting couples to either stay together or to split up in a healthy way. She knows us both inside out so I could just tell her everything without the preamble. She’s also someone who is very direct and will just get to the core point straight away so I feel like she could help me organise my thoughts and feelings.

Im still not too clear what to say tonight to husband.
my sense is launching into a combative argument probably isn’t helpful. Do I just say I know what you did please leave and give me time to think?

I know this means he’s not a good role model btw, but my son has no idea about this stuff so what I meant was, what my son sees of him has been positive.

I just wondered if anyone else has ever been through similar?

I cannot stress enough how alone I am. It really was just us 3. How I’d love a supportive sister or mum I could go to right now.

my old age suddenly looks very different and frightening.

Do I just say I know what you did please leave and give me time to think? @beingstrongmumma

Yes, absolutely, how can you bear to be under the same roof as him right now?

I’m sorry he’s done this OP. Well done on attending your interview.

You will have a local sexual health clinic for the STI tests. Your GP will have details if your GP won’t do the tests.

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything until you have all the financial info and have spoken with a solicitor to get a step ahead.

I would tell him I was furious about the state he was in for now and I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with him. But I can see how it might be too difficult to hold that in. And I do think he already suspects you saw things on his phone.

If you do tell him then I agree with PP that you should tell him to leave while you have a think about it all. Is he likely to leave or will he be stubborn do you think?

Your son will still have his father in his life if you separate. You can be good coparents. Also, it sounds like you need to start building up friends and support networks. This can be done gradually.

I know this is really shit now, but I think you’re going to be OK OP. 💐

I felt very alone when I was blindsided by my H’s double life, I’d poured everything into our family and had no family support at all. I tried and failed to accept it all and move on as a family - it almost destroyed me! When I finally accepted that the man I’d married wasn’t who I thought he was and stood up for myself friends I didn’t know existed held me up! There were times when I thought about being alone and how scary that was but the truth is far different two years on. I’m vastly independent and found strength I didn’t know I had and you will to. I sometimes think part of the plan was to isolate me so I’d just accept his shitty behaviour because I had nothing else. Couldn’t be further from the truth. I know it’s daunting but try not to overthink it, find your circle and lean on them. We eventually moved out and now have a new forever home, amazing neighbours and my circle of friends (many of which have been through similar circumstances) are always there for me. You’ve got this, his behaviour is totally unacceptable and you deserve so much more than this.

You can get a test at any NHS Walk-in Centre, your GP (good luck getting an appointment there!). I think also a pharmacy will be able to do that - they have private interview rooms so you can ask to see pharmacist to see them privately.

Will read next part of your post in a minute. But suggest you get the test before you go home.

Well done on your interview - amazing considering what you're going through. Hugs.

With regards to finances after you split its possible you might get spousal but that would be a while from now and no guarantee. Secure your own half of the money from the sale of the house and check how much you would get from child maintenance. That's all you can rely on for now.

I would exactly do as you suggest - say you know what he did, you can’t talk now and ask him to leave.

Watch him pack and make sure he doesn’t take any paperwork etc.

I think talking to the therapist could be a good idea however (and maybe someone else has more knowledge) I was once in a similar situation (in that I wanted my therapist to help me work out whether to stay / leave / what to do etc) and she didn’t do that at all, just kept asking loads of questions which I know was to try to guide me to an answer myself but I found it so frustrating as I just wanted someone to tell me what to do!!

You poor thing. What a disgusting pig of a man. I can't see how there could possibly be any coming back from this, or how you could want to. You sound like an intelligent, capable woman. It will be hard to end the relationship, but there will be many women on here who have done the same and gone on to have a great life after ditching their awful ex. You deserve a lot better. He deserves to be shown what happens to men who buy women like objects and treat their wives like idiots.

Sorry he is not the influence you want for your son !
If he is really that good a dad he will co parent as best as he can for your sons sake.
While your son is missing him and you’re at home taking care of the child and everything else. He is dipping his body parts into other females . Not a chance I’d stay in this mess of a relationship.

Your son is young get his new routine sorted . you will both be fine and make new friends and build a whole new life you never knew was out there.