Please help me get myself and my shit together, husband has slept with prostitutes

[beingstrongmumma]

I am posting here not knowing what to do. I don’t have anyone in the world I can talk to about this and it’s the middle of the night. My darling sweet little 4 year old boy’s asleep upstairs oblivious.

I would appreciate calm clarify here as I’m in a fog. It’s so shit as I even have an interview tomorrow for the next stage of a qualification I’m doing and had gone to bed early to feel fresh. So much for that now, I’ll be up in 4 hours.

My husband came home around midnight blind drunk, fell up the stairs, absolutely wasted. He’s been at a staff team building day all day. It was meant to be a lunch with drinking but it went on so I went to bed.

In his hand was his phone open on WhatsApp. I saw a chat with a woman. As soon as he fell asleep comatose I got his phone and looked. Since about 7.30pm tonight he seems to have been contacting sex workers looking them up then chatting on WhatsApp. He’s asked 2 for their addresses. I’ve also seen, that he’s chatted to a different woman (sex worker I presume) who he evidently met up with when in another country for work which was in early March. There’s some chat about the apartment she was staying in and he’s asking about her studies.

I am furious by the way but keeping calm typing this as I need to keep cool and stay sensible to look after myself and my boy.

Anyway this evening he’s evidently got in touch with 4 women, 2 of whom he has paid a visit to., and 2 chats seems to fade off due to his drunken typing making no sense. He’s absolutely wasted beyond anything I’ve ever seen. Anyway I’ve seen uber journey receipts and Revolut payments receipts in his email inbox which tally with timings. In between he was phoning me / missed calling me when I was asleep. I could sit here and piece together all the messages, journeys, payments and calls to piece together a timeline of the evening but that seems like a grim task and I’ve got enough evidence should he try and gaslight me.

I’ve photographed everything using my phone and saved to my private cloud folder just in case.

Tomorrow morning he is supposed to be looking after our boy on his first day of Easter holidays which he was so excited about whilst I go to my interview which I’ve spent today prepping for. The week after next we have a holiday booked in Norfolk with our son. I feel so sad.

Anyway what can I do? I’ve seen threads on here before but never thought I’d be the one writing it. Now I’m in this moment I’m feeling calm / quiet whilst also sad and angry for myself and our boy, our future. I have no other family at all and it was always going to be just us three against the world. Our son is my joy.

Anyway I don’t want to cry just now. I am still going to go to my interview because long term it’s for my future career and I’ve worked bloody hard.

I’m worried I’m vulnerable though. Please can you help me to know what to do? things I’m worrying about:

-we sold our home last year and have been renting for various reasons. So no property owned by either of us.
-husband works in city job earns a high salary
-my job brings in less and it suffered due to Covid and maternity etc so hence my plan was to retain and build extra skills into my work, eventually with better earning power, but would take at least 2 more years to complete. I have been working part-time while I study, and being there for school pick up, bringing in not much £ (paying for holidays and extras basically) but husband’s salary supports us and he has been supportive of me doing this.
-so as a result I don’t have much to support me or any real pension built.
-we have some joint savings left over from sale of our home

What else do I need to be thinking about practically?

I know this sounds crazy but has anyone ever come back from this? We had been having couples counselling and had made progress (I thought). We went through a bad patch of lots of arguments when my child was smaller, caused by resentment and realities of parenthood / differing roles etc, and a terrible situation with my husbands family / Dad, and alongside this our sex life was bad. However emotionally we had got closer thanks to the counselling, understood each other much better and were starting to work on sex life. Husband had uncovered a tendency for destructive behaviours like eating junk food, drinking, gaming, porn etc and we had worked through that knowing what it was masking (stuff relating to his Dad who died suddenly end of last year and was very problematic).

Don’t get me wrong there’s no excuse for cheating on me and ruining our family no matter how shit he has felt or what difficulties he’s had. I’ve had a shit life and I haven’t cheated, nor would I!

I just don’t know if there’s any point in thinking we could continue to work on it with our counsellor, (who is great) if of course he took full accountability for what he’s done.

Also, when should I tell him what I know? Despite this late hour I’m fully intending on getting up and going to my interview tomorrow morning and I’ll be leaving at 8.30am. He will no doubt feel rough and will have a 4 year old to manage.

Should I wait until little one is in bed tomorrow night then say something? What if he asks anything before then? We have no family to support us so it’s just us 3. I can’t ask anyone to look after my son in the daytime to give us time to talk. Also on Sunday we have a special treat - a full day out booked with our boy, and the holiday over Easter week. How can I get through these moments pretending it’s all normal front of my son?!

Anyway enough now. I will login tomorrow after my interview to see if anyone has replied and maybe take myself off for a coffee somewhere to get my head straight before going home again.

Thank you if you’ve read this far.

You thought life was on the up for you all 30 hours ago.
And yet he’s saying his life has been spiralling out of control for the past month. That raises serious questions. Either he’s lying to justify his recent behaviour—which likely means this has been going on much longer than just two incidents—or you truly don’t know him and he hasn’t really been committed to fixing the relationship. Either way, he’s been dishonest with you at a very fundamental level.

You may already feel what you know is enough. But I suspect you’re not hearing the full truth yet and you may want to push for more. As gambling is involved you could ask if he’s willing to let you take control of all savings to prevent him gambling them away? If he resists, that tells you something important about how committed he really is to change.

Right now, the healthiest thing you can do—for yourself and possibly even for him—is to separate. He needs to go and do the work on himself, not as a partner or father, but as a man facing his own issues. He needs to truly feel the weight of what he stands to lose. And you need the space to start navigating life on your own so that you know you can survive without him.

If—and it’s a big if—he proves over time (a year or more, realistically) that he’s doing the deep, consistent work and both of you still want to explore whether anything can be rebuilt, only then should reconciliation even be a consideration.

Be very very kind to yourself and if of need more time at the end of this week, make sure you take it.

Has he had a full sexual health check? He needs to do it himself, too.

The only immediate action I would take is to move 50% of those savings into your own, new account.
In your shoes there would be no way back for me.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This is unforgivable- not only has he broken your vows by cheating on you multiple times, but he has put your health at risk-HIV, STD's, he obviously does not care about you at all!

OP this stranger has used prostitutes. There can’t be any coming back from this.

He will only admit to what he has to and I suspect there is more.

This is no way a criticism of you but I think you have given him the green light to think this will all blow over as you have asked him if he wants the relationship to continue, let him know you are thinking about the relationship (so he knows he still has a chance), let him stay in the property and put on a united front. This is what I would expect if someone had uncovered potential beginnings of an emotional affair not when a husband and a father has repeatedly used prostitutes.

You don’t know this man really, you would never have thought he would use prostitutes. You owe this stranger nothing and you and your boy are worth so much more.

It will never happen, men don't come back from prostitutes....nothing to prove here....time to pack it up and move on

just want to say that I know you don’t feel like it now but YOU ROCK. Your strength of character and dignity shine through as does your love for your little boy. Whatever you do stay in the driving seat and keep posting here. So much good advice and hand holding. I’ve lived my life without any family so understand how daunting it feels about the future just take it one day at a time, even down to second by second.

Thanks. Back from our day out now. Son has had a lovely day again so that’s good. There are moments I am hit with shock waves and I look at husband and can’t believe this has happened. I have seen him crying and having tears in his eyes at various stages today when he didn’t know I was looking. I have been working hard to keep cool with him and not forget myself and start chatting as it’s so familiar.
tomorrows the first time I’ll have alone since this came to light. First I’ve got to drop my son at his new holiday activity - the first time he’s done anything like that, and I’m hoping that goes smoothly. Then I’ll have some time before my counselling. Meant to be working but not sure how much I’ll be able to do.

I'm glad your son had a nice day, op.

Please try not to feel sorry for your husband when you see him crying. The only new part of this situation is that fact you've found out. He's crying because you've found out.

He's not crying because of his sex addiction or mental health or childhood trauma or whatever nonsense he's claiming, or you'd have seen him crying around the house for months.

It's only now he's crying. He's crying because he's not going to get away with his (moral) crimes any longer.

Ring in sick tomorrow lovely, you need a couple of hours to decompress when your son's at his activity.

@beingstrongmumma

You are doing so well. Just remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. But minute by minute will soon become day by day. You've got this.

Thanks. I’m just not sure where the marathon is leading. I’m taking steps in the dark.

I’m hoping to get some clarity in my mind tomorrow with the counsellor.

it’s just so shitty and I feel quite sad this evening. Husband and son are kicking a ball around outside and I keep thinking this could be the last family Sunday ever.

His tears are only for himself. He's been rumbled, big time, and sure as shit wasn't thinking about his wife and son while he was playing Mr Big Shot with his trousers round his ankles.

Buying women's bodies is reprehensible and tells you everything you need to know about what kind of man he is.

My heart breaks for you @beingstrongmumma but believe me you WILL be okay and so will your son. He needs you and he has you.

No advice but sending support. What a shock for you. I hope you can take the time you need to process it.

@beingstrongmumma if I may - you sound very shocked and probably literally in shock - but perhaps not completely surprised. By that I mean you are emotionally reeling, panicked even; but his actions in and of themselves are not so unexpected as to be unimaginable?

Is there other disrespectful and offensive behaviour you’ve witnessed or been subjected to in the course of your relationship even if it’s ’milder’ than paying women for sex?

I may be wrong but reading your posts I did wonder whether there was some dysfunction- perhaps even underlying / subconscious that you’re aware of I your relationship? You say he works in the city in possibly in an inherently male / alpha/ misogynistic environment where the use of sex workers is not unheard of - does he fit in with / thrive in this culture?

When this happened to a friend of mine she said she kept playing over and over all of the small acts that led to him paying for sex with a woman; finding her profile, contacting her to find out her ‘menu’, agreeing a price, going to her apartment, keeping his wedding ring on, small talk, taking the time to put a condom on, the various sex acts themselves but for her the bit she said literally made her feel most sick was him handing cash over to this woman. The actual act of counting out cash. But she also said that as he was a big shot business man, him handing the cash out was the least surprising but most sickening aspect of it all.

If DH has been using trafficked women, then he is a rapist. I’m sorry to be blunt but that is the reality of many prostitutes. Happy hookers are few and far between. I’m so sorry he has done this to you both. He clearly needs to go to a lot of sex therapy and Sex Addicts Anonymous, but even then you will have a long road ahead. Whether you think that you and your son can cope with having an addict in your lives is only something you can decide. If you can’t, then you need to get details of everything financial that you can get your hands on and start speaking to a solicitor.

You absolutely WILL get through this. Take back control and don’t let him lie to you any longer. What he has told you so far is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg.

@AlisounOfBath i’m really not sure what value you thought you’d add with the beginning part of that post. It’s pretty ill-judged.

It’s a fact. Did you think the women involved in prostitution are all graduates who want to shag men for money? She needs to feel less sorry for him - he is not the victim here.

This is the reality of using prostitutes. It’s why it’s not just a naughty thing to do - it’s absolutely abhorrent. If these women are trafficked (and how exactly would he know?) then she needs to see him for what he really is. He’s not a nice guy who messed up.

Alisoun of bath is right. It’s sex as a commodity where you don’t have to consider if the woman wants it, and many of them do not want any part of it but have no choice.

I am very sorry for hurting OP. I have every sympathy for her and the awful situation she is in and I hope she can find a happier future, however hard it is to get there.

But these are some stats about prostitution. Approx 70% of prostitutes have been in care. 85% have been physically abused by a family member. Between 80-95% of street prostitutes are drug addicts and at least 1 in 3 of the women in London involved in off-street prostitution are trafficked. This is from the UK government’s own report in 2024.

This is prostitution. It’s violent, grim and fuels human misery on an industrial scale. Maybe OP’s husband has been visiting the minority of healthy, happy, well-adjusted women who become prostitutes. It’s possible and for her sake I hope this is the case.

Just adding to the above - take what is yours or owed to you from any joint account before you confront him. I am so sorry you have had this happen to you and your little DS, OP. Good for you being strong and resilient and planning how best to take care of him and yourself. Hope your interview went well.

I would also hate to add to OP’s misery, but at some point she could present these facts to him to drive the point home.