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Original poster

Affair relationship ??

250 replies

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

OP posts:
TheMathofLoveTriangles · 06/04/2025 20:24

They all do this in one way or another. The drip feed of information. Seriously, you need to cut your losses! I’ve been there too

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2025 21:02

So he's gone from 'I'm a nice guy in a dead bedroom situation who's in love with you so much that I'm going to start looking at houses to move out and be with you' to a bloke who's hidden assets, can't sell a house because he doesn't own it because he put half of it in someone else's name to avoid paying fines? It does sound a wee bit as though he's dragging stories out of his arse here to make sure he gets to keep having his cake and eating it.

RedRock41 · 06/04/2025 21:16

Well done for bringing it to a head. 👏

NautilusLionfish · 06/04/2025 21:23

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

What stopping him from leaving a dead relationship with no kids?

TunipTheVegimal24 · 06/04/2025 22:27

NautilusLionfish · 06/04/2025 21:23

What stopping him from leaving a dead relationship with no kids?

Show quote history

😂

springbringshope · 06/04/2025 22:50

PeriodHome · 06/04/2025 17:26

I've changed the details a little bit here because of identifying info. So he didn't say corporate mistake and it's not quite a million but siro. Anyway, it's not bullshit. He did have to go to court and he did get fined a significant sum; some of which he paid off.

They moved half the property into her name to protect it.

Show quote history

Bollocks surely. You can’t deprive yourself of assets to protective from your creditors it doesn’t work like that.
and the creditors would have seized the house and forced sale.

this is all very sketchy

Thewookiemustgo · 06/04/2025 23:00

So his poor partner has been through Lord knows what with his financial problems, then been lied to and betrayed for all her trouble by an affair for over a year? Whilst he complains about her to you? Poor woman.
I’m sorry, but I think you have your answer.
If this is true, he’s concealed this from you too and this may be the tip of an iceberg you really don’t want to get involved in. I don’t think he’d recognise the truth if it bit him on the arse.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 06/04/2025 23:15

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2025 21:02

So he's gone from 'I'm a nice guy in a dead bedroom situation who's in love with you so much that I'm going to start looking at houses to move out and be with you' to a bloke who's hidden assets, can't sell a house because he doesn't own it because he put half of it in someone else's name to avoid paying fines? It does sound a wee bit as though he's dragging stories out of his arse here to make sure he gets to keep having his cake and eating it.

I think it's the truth coming out of his arse tbh. We spoke an hour ago and he is now petrified I'm going to say something about his big fine. He said he owes me the truth and has more to say.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 06/04/2025 23:23

Do you feel any guilt over his partner? Where's your conscience to do this to another woman? Shameful

Icanseethehedge · 06/04/2025 23:47

I can't wait to see what he owns up to next!

SnowFrogJelly · 07/04/2025 00:35

Hope you are knocking this one on the head OP

Amidelusional · 07/04/2025 07:36

PeriodHome · 06/04/2025 23:15

I think it's the truth coming out of his arse tbh. We spoke an hour ago and he is now petrified I'm going to say something about his big fine. He said he owes me the truth and has more to say.

Show quote history

I agree with Vroomfondleswaistcoat, what was the point in showing you houses if there's no way he can leave? It's like he's trying different tactics when one doesn't work, also that there's "more to say" - it's just a way of keeping dialogue going.

You mentioned that you had a traumatic childhood. From the reading I've done recently it seems like it's quite common for people to get in these situations if they've had a parent (father usually) who was physically or emotionally absent. It's like trying to right the wrongs of the past, but all it really does is reinforce the feeling of abandonment. It sounds simplistic but I can see it now in my situation and it makes me feel a bit sick. Stay firm and give yourself time away from him to really be able to look at the situation objectively and then decide if this is really something you want.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/04/2025 08:53

My main point in mentioning the houses he showed you 'that he was looking at moving into' is that he's building you a fantasy. You thought he was going to leave, you thought he was taking it all seriously. But if he lied about that, then what ELSE is he lying about? Probably not having got caught with financial irregularities - although I think the true extent of those might never be known by you - but the whole 'dead bedroom.sharing the house for convenience/nowhere else to live (except a mysterious 'inheritance in someone else's account'...

It's beginning to feel as though his entire story is a tissue of lies, and that tissue is getting wet and beginning to tear.

murphys · 07/04/2025 09:09

Are you going to knock this one on the head or just play along listening to what he has to say?

If the latter, why even bother?

Do you really want all this drama in your life?

He is not moving. He has told you that. He cannot sell. He told you that. Why are you entertaining this?

Original poster
PeriodHome · 07/04/2025 17:50

Yes. I've completely knocked it on the head. The attraction has gone too. The thought of doing this to again give me the ick.

@Amidelusional yes, I've thought this too.

OP posts:
Whatonearthdoiknow · 07/04/2025 18:58

So, you were ok with him lying to his partner of 20 years but now you’ve found out he’s lied to you, about money no less, you’ve knocked it on the head?

OchreRaven · 07/04/2025 20:33

Let this be a lesson to all OW out there. When they say ‘you know me better than my wife” what they really mean is “you know the person I wish I was.” I.e. a person without debts and financial irresponsibility. @PeriodHome now you know some of the reality but you probably don’t know it all. It also puts into question everything he has ever said about his partner and her view on their relationship.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 08/04/2025 01:13

No not at all. I was knocking it on the head because it can't progress and whatever the reason for that is doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 08/04/2025 07:43

Whatonearthdoiknow · 07/04/2025 18:58

So, you were ok with him lying to his partner of 20 years but now you’ve found out he’s lied to you, about money no less, you’ve knocked it on the head?

Yes take note ow/om your flings are liars and cheats. They are lying to their spouses, they are lying to you.

CharityShopMensGlasses · 08/04/2025 07:49

AngelinaFibres · 03/04/2025 22:49

This. My exhusband was apparently living in a miserable, sexless marriage with separate lives and separate bedrooms. Eventually he had to divorce me because of my terrible mental health ( which apparently didn't stop me looking after our two tiny children for every day bar one every fortnight). It was all bollocks

Show quote history

This...
My poor ex was apparently dealing with a terrible wife with serious unstable mental health conditions....but of course I was suddenly perfectly well enough to care for his young children the vast majority of the time when he left for his affair partner...

It is a story as old as time. Value yourself enough to wait for someone who leaves their situation before dating...hoe could you go on to trust him when he's been so dishonest to his partner of 20 years x

superplumb · 15/04/2025 18:12

PeriodHome · 03/04/2025 21:31

I've fallen in love with someone at work. It crept up on us after about 18 months of working together.

Initially and for a while there was no physical intimacy. Over the last year this has slowly evolved. I'm 47 and he is 63 I have 1 child, he has none. He's in a dead relationship - separate bedrooms and living like housemates for over 10 years and is deeply unhappy. I know this to be entirely true.

I haven't had a serious relationship for around the same amount of time and we have both felt completely accepting of our lives lacking in intimacy. However we have found one another and really appreciate each other, enjoy one anothers company and have lots of shared interests.

We are now in this odd liminal space where we are not quite able to make big life changing decisions, but at the same time; feel that we are missing out of we don't .

I would like to hear your similar stories and experiences that will help me decide how to navigate this.

How do you know this is true?
Sound like he's bored in his marriage and wants to shag a younger woman. You're being naive. A man willing to cheat is also a liar. I woildnt believe a word he says. Nor would o want to be the ow being part of causing pain to another person

No doubt my ex tells his ow how awful i was...you know the having sex wjth him still, cooking the dinner, earning the money so he could keep his little job he loved so much, looking after the kids. .sure..I'm awful. All wives are awful if you believe a man willing to cheat.

Original poster
PeriodHome · 18/04/2025 15:04

He left her

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 18/04/2025 15:08

I mean, that doesn't change anything for you does it?

He's a liar and a fraud.

You can't have him live with you with those debts, you can't risk him having a claim on your home.

Even if that wasn't an issue, he can't afford to get a place with you.

And his kind...'leave'. They don't leave. They engineer an argument to go shag someone else for a while. Until it stops working for them. Then they go back.

Keep away op

TheMathofLoveTriangles · 18/04/2025 15:18

Sodthesystem · 18/04/2025 15:08

I mean, that doesn't change anything for you does it?

He's a liar and a fraud.

You can't have him live with you with those debts, you can't risk him having a claim on your home.

Even if that wasn't an issue, he can't afford to get a place with you.

And his kind...'leave'. They don't leave. They engineer an argument to go shag someone else for a while. Until it stops working for them. Then they go back.

Keep away op

Inclined to agree with what you say about these types of men when they ‘leave’ but I think this man has less (no kids, for example) reasons to return

Celynfour · 18/04/2025 15:34

Is he leaving with you now OP ?

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