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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just turned on me - help...

321 replies

podglet · 14/05/2008 21:33

DP came home from work tonight with the words "bad day, going to have a beer or 7". Not unusual. He lights the BBQ for the first time (was only built at weekend) and happily pootles about with that for a while. I put DS (18 months) to bed and settle DD (1 month tomorrow). All the while, he is chatting but I can see that the beer has already got to him (find out that the first 3 pints are 8% ers).

Whilst cooking the BBQ, I go out to see what he is doing. I wander up to him as he turns around, pats my stomach and says "are you pg again" er, no I had a baby 4 weeks ago and oddly enough as it was a section, haven't quite toned up again yet. He thinks he is hilarious. I have a mild sense of humour failure.

All through tea he goes on and on about making new friends now we have kids (eh? what's wrong with the old ones). We start talking about a child at DS's nursery and DP thinks he has dubious parentage (don't ask( he then goes on to say that he still isn't sure DS is his (an age old conversation that never fails to irritate me, because he refuses to trust me. DS is his). Rather than bite back, I go quiet. I get on with the clearing up. He goes on and on and on about nothing for a while longer then storms upstairs because I'm being horrible.

I follow him up to find him going to bed. DD is asleep in her moses basket downstairs. He tells me to get my and her stuff and sleep downstairs. i ask him why he is being like this, lose my temper a bit and pull the duvet off him. He responds by leaping out of bed and putting his hands around my throat. I grab at him to make him let go. He then hits me round the head 5 or 6 times before telling me to F* off. I don't know what to do. This is all going to turn out to be my fault toomorrow and I am scared for me and the children. Please help me.

OP posts:
DutchOma · 15/05/2008 09:38

Please go to your mum. Pooter has offered to take you

EffiePerine · 15/05/2008 09:39

if you have a headache go the GP. It's confidential and it means you have recorded the attack. No need for your partner to know about it.

SlartyBartFast · 15/05/2008 09:39

have you got a key to your mum's?
just go...

Original poster
podglet · 15/05/2008 09:40

Sorry DO, yes my phone is on but I had it on silent. That's a very kind offer but I have a contract phone and monthly bill so credit not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
podglet · 15/05/2008 09:42

I have rung the GP as I don't want to feel worse with both kids here. They have no appointments today, not even emergencys. I didn't want to tell the receptionist what had happened so I left it. Have taken paracetamol plus to see if it helps. Am sure it is just tired ness / stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
podglet · 15/05/2008 09:42

Eeny, pooter and purpleflower, I have emailed you.

OP posts:
SlartyBartFast · 15/05/2008 09:44

do you have a minor injuries unit?

(as opposed to A & E - much quicker)

Original poster
podglet · 15/05/2008 09:45

No, only A & E and I can't cope with 2 kids in there for hours on my own. Sorry, don't htink I am helping myself

We have a walk in centre who might see me. I'll ring them.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 15/05/2008 09:46

Walk-in centre a very good plan

ElizabethBeresfordSW19 · 15/05/2008 09:46

It's a good idea to talk to your health visitor, and that's what I did when I was in your shoes. It felt too 'dramatic' to go to the police, even though what he had done to me was dramatic (!) but I did talk to my health visitor. They were really busy when I went int to the baby clinic, but as soon as they saw the look on my face they were really kind and brought me into a room. I still regret not going to the police, but maybe the extra drama of dealing with the police would have lessened my ability to function. So it's hard to know. I needed to deal with two children. BUT, now, with the benefit of hindsight I was in that mode of making excuses and believing I wasn't really like an abused woman. But I was. jUST BEcause you feel angry and you don't generally feel like a victim doesn't mean you shouldn't use the system that's there to help you.

If it all goes to court his sister would deny that you ever told her he'd throttled you. When the chips are down, his sister will drop you like a steaming turd and swear blind she knew nothing about any violence.

So if you can't face the police, tell everything to your HV. It's so EMBARRASSING I know that firsthand. But you must confide in somebody professional so that it's on record.

ASk yourself why you stay with a man who treats you like this.

Is it because you like the perceived respectibility of being a 'family'? Believe me, if you leave, it'll be a storm in a teacup for 2 weeks. Your friends and family and total strangers will be behind you. They'll be coming out of the woodwork to give you a pat on the back for leaving and telling you about somebody they wish had your bravery.

Shabster's post is very sad. And Peanuts posts are moving.

Be honest with your Mum too. For about two years I didn't tell my Mum the worst of it. I shouldn't have held back out of some misplaced loyalty to somebody who didn't deserve it. I suppose we feel it reflects badly on us, that we 'picked such a wrongun'. That is how I felt.

GL

EffiePerine · 15/05/2008 09:47

also could you explain at the walk-on centre why you need to see someone today? Persumably they won;t know you from Adam (unlike the GP's reception)

shreksmissus · 15/05/2008 09:50

Message withdrawn

SlartyBartFast · 15/05/2008 09:52

whjat time is hv coming?

Original poster
podglet · 15/05/2008 09:56

Walk in have said they can see me and the HV can do a home visit.
EBSW19 - your post is very moving too. I can relate to everything you have said.

Afraid I have to go now for a bit as DS needs entertaining (and a nappy change!) but I will log back on later.

OP posts:
CaptainDippy · 15/05/2008 09:58

Here ofry ou, praying for you. captain_dippy "at" yahoo "dot" co "dot" uk xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PosieParker · 15/05/2008 10:01

Do not think this will be the only time, this is just the first. Do not think calling the police is too strong, it is an appropriate course of action.

EffiePerine · 15/05/2008 10:01

That's great Podglet. Take care - I'll check back on the thread later today.

PosieParker · 15/05/2008 10:03

You could call the doctor's and ask to speak to one and then ask them to see you at your house.

SlartyBartFast · 15/05/2008 10:05

keep strong

FAQ · 15/05/2008 10:07

Hope you're ok now - can't believe you were on your own last night

email gwenick . taff @ ntlworld . com if you need anything

purpleduck · 15/05/2008 10:19

nothing to add
Just adding support
Good luck

QuintessentialShadows · 15/05/2008 10:20

I think you should call the GP back and tell receptionist what has happened.

I remember sitting in my GPs surgery when a young woman came in wearing her PJ and her dressing gown, tangled hair, blood down her mouth, she could barely walk, clutching her back with one hand, and a baby under her arm.

Both receptionist ran to great her and took her into a room on the side.

I think receptionists are trained to handle every possible scenario, withoud judgment, but professionalism and care.

A woman having been abused through domestic violence would be first line of priority.

Take care of yourself.

I sort of expected that from his sister. She would have divided loyalties, you have yourself to rely on to help you out. YOU have to do it. And you can.

franch · 15/05/2008 10:23

QS is right. You can do it.

otter1980 · 15/05/2008 10:36

podglet - ive nothing to add other than support. You need to get out, as other people have said he will do it again.

so sad that you were on your own last night. You do need to speak to someone and get it logged. so sorry for you honey xxx

OverMyDeadBody · 15/05/2008 10:46

podgelet I'm just adding my support too. I've been through this. Please please please tell someone, your HV is a good start, and then please find the strength to tell the police, because he will do it again. Even if you leave him now and never see him again, he will do it to another woman, and police records of past incedents could help.

You are strong and you will get through this. You deserve much much better, as do your little babies.