DP just turned on me - help...

[podglet]

DP came home from work tonight with the words "bad day, going to have a beer or 7". Not unusual. He lights the BBQ for the first time (was only built at weekend) and happily pootles about with that for a while. I put DS (18 months) to bed and settle DD (1 month tomorrow). All the while, he is chatting but I can see that the beer has already got to him (find out that the first 3 pints are 8% ers).

Whilst cooking the BBQ, I go out to see what he is doing. I wander up to him as he turns around, pats my stomach and says "are you pg again" er, no I had a baby 4 weeks ago and oddly enough as it was a section, haven't quite toned up again yet. He thinks he is hilarious. I have a mild sense of humour failure.

All through tea he goes on and on about making new friends now we have kids (eh? what's wrong with the old ones). We start talking about a child at DS's nursery and DP thinks he has dubious parentage (don't ask( he then goes on to say that he still isn't sure DS is his (an age old conversation that never fails to irritate me, because he refuses to trust me. DS is his). Rather than bite back, I go quiet. I get on with the clearing up. He goes on and on and on about nothing for a while longer then storms upstairs because I'm being horrible.

I follow him up to find him going to bed. DD is asleep in her moses basket downstairs. He tells me to get my and her stuff and sleep downstairs. i ask him why he is being like this, lose my temper a bit and pull the duvet off him. He responds by leaping out of bed and putting his hands around my throat. I grab at him to make him let go. He then hits me round the head 5 or 6 times before telling me to F* off. I don't know what to do. This is all going to turn out to be my fault toomorrow and I am scared for me and the children. Please help me.

Podglet i'm sorry this has happened. I am another who has been through this and another who is saying you need to get this on record somewhere (which it sounds like you might be doing, big, hard step so well done).
My story in brief is that I have to let my ex see my son despite him verbally, emotionally and physically abusing me and my son. I was too scared to say anything to anybody but because I haven't the courts will not believe me.
Can't really say anymore I'm rubbish at these sorts of things but please keep talking on MN and take care of you and your children.

hi podge, i havent had an email from you - maybe i typed it wrongly - DutchOma has my correct email address. Would you like some company today or would you like me to drive you to your mums or stay with you while the HV comes - anything at all.

I don't think there is any excuse for putting his hands round your neck, and saying he wouldn't have hit you if you hadn't struggled when he put his hands round your neck, well that's just lunacy really isn't it????

I think most people would struggle if someone had their hands round your neck................

to hit you that hard too, and so soon after giving birth, what if he'd knocked you out then fallen asleep. Who would have tended your baby when she woke, as they are wont to do at that age????

I really do think you need to record this incident with the police, telling them what happened does not mean he'll be arrested or anything, but then when/if it happens again they will see it in your record and it will make your case stronger.

Just came across this message, please Podglet, do not put up with this behaviour.
And there are no excuses for it.
You do not have to put up with this and neither should your dc's.

The first time my xp put his hands round my throat and pinned me to the wall was when dd was 6 months old.
A couple of weeks later he attacked me again, this time though he slapped me and pushed me onto the floor, then proceeded to slap me some more and threw me over various items of furniture, threw a wine bottle at me then put his hands round my throat again and then threatened to kill me, needless to say the police were called that night, I moved all my stuff out the same night and that was an instant end to our relationship.

No matter how bad 'his' day has been, you do not deserve this.

Please get some help and get your lovely dc's out of there.

Podgelet so glad you are following through telling somebody.
Am that he wasn't even sorry and tried to blame you.
I can understand his sis not wanting to get involved but she could have let you know so you weren't on your own all night.
Please tell your mum and ring the gp back and explain they will get you an appointment , even if it is tiredness / stress it's on record then.

podglet at your awful DH!!!! How are things today? I skim read your thread, and agree with the others, this is totally unacceptable behaviour. You need to get help. Is this the first time he has hit you?
Not that it means anything, but was he drinking Stella Artois by any chance??? (It's known as 'wife-beater'). Before we were married, DH had a night of drinking Stella and was horribly verbally abusive to me (it was a week after we had got engaged). He didn't hit me, but his words were very harsh and very out of character for him. We luckily realised it was the Stella and he vowed never to drink it again, which he hasn't, and things have been fine. He actually gets very embarrassed when I remind him of that night.
I am in no way excusing your DH's behaviour, but if he has been drinking lager like Stella with chemicals in it, it could go some way to explaining his behaviour. Also, I was reading a leaflet the HV gave me and men can get PND too. As I said, I am in no way excusing his diabolical behaviour but am mearly trying to give some explanation for it.
You poor girl, I hope you get some support from your RL friends and family.

Keep us posted.

I know what you mean about the stella - my BIL also reacted really badly to it - but the most that got damaged was a door frame, not my sister's head.

Podglet, sounds like you're doing all the right things, keep the momentum going, get all the RL support you can and please listen to the stories being told on this thread from women who've been through it. You've really got the chance to make sure last night was the first and last time he'll ever be able to do that to you. Loads of love and strength to you.

Blaming the beer sounds convenient. A good kind man who thinks well of his wife would never turn on HER, no matter how potent the beer.

I've just remembered. A couple of times I did try to phone the police, I ran in to the downstairs loo with my mobile. My xp grabbed it from me and holding my mouth shut with his hands really forcefully he then flushed my mobile down the loo.

Oooooh the bad old days.

I have no advice for you as the situation is out of my experience, just hope you can find a solution that is best for you and your little ones.

I have to say that if my brother beat his wife and she called me,I would be 100% on her side - and my brother is one of my best friends! There is no excuse for your partner's sister not willing to help you.

Thinking of you Podge, keep posting. X

Oh FFS. 'chemicals in stella' made him violent and nasty?
Stella is a strong lager. Not in the league of tennents super or special brew but stronger than most. It's not 'the stella' that makes a man verbally or physically abusive, it's the man, under the influence of strong lager. Don't make excuses, please.

My Ds dad and I drink Stella fairly often. Neither he nor I get physically violent with each other or anyone else when drinking it. It's not the beer that makes him do it, it's the fact that he's a wife-beating arsehole that makes him do it.

I have to say, DH goes funny on Stella. I have no idea why or what's in it, but he does get more argumentative.

BUT......

I don't think that it can be used in this situation. Even in DH's worst tantrum, he'd never hurt me. There is a line, and I do feel that it has been crossed.

Plus, Mr Podg isn't even the slightest bit sorry - that (IMHO) is almost as bad as the violence itself. He's actually trying to make out that, if Podglet hadn't tried to defend herself, it wouldn't have been as bad.... That's creepy.

Plus (and I agree about families etc) if I called any member of DH's immediate family and told them that, they'd be over like a shot - as would mine if DH called them about my behaviour. I do find it a bit worrying that his sister had a little think about it and then decided not to come....

anyway, Podglet, just know that we are all here for you and all ready to do anything we can - whatever you need.

My e-mail addy is YCBS @ fsmail . net

YCBS xx

I don't want anyone to think I am being flippant here - I am most definitely not - but it stuck me that in Scotland, Stella is actually nicknamed "wifebeater" because it is implicated in so many cases of domestic violence. I certainly don't believe there are "chemicals" in it though that "made" him do that!! Madamez is right - it is the man, not the drinking of beer.

Hmm, my ex always used to blame the Stella too... very convenient!

GG - Stella is called Wifebeater in the UK too. I do think there is something in Stella but I don't think it can be held responsible for this behaviour.

A person is responsible for thier actions. One of the actions may have been drinking strong lager, but they are still responsible for it.

If a person was to get behind the wheel of the car and injure another person, they certainly wouldn't be using alcohol as an excuse.... why should it be any different for DV?

Well done for doing something about this. I hope the HV is able to really give you some help and positive support.

I was beaten up by my x and i never spoke to anyone at all about it at the time (not until I met my DH and fell apart). As a result i dont think i've ever really got over it and still have frightening flash backs. I dont have any practical advice to you other than, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF and make sure you talk about it to help get perspective. His behaviour is not acceptable and there can be no excuses.

You're doing really well.

Hi,

HV hasn't called back yet
DS in front of CBeebies again

Called the walk in centre and they have said that they don't need to see me unless my headache gets worse / blurred vision etc. But they have logged my call.

Pooter, I have re sent the email. Got the end bit of your address wrong. I am ok at the moment, beginning to worry abit about later and what to do.

Can you hassle the HV?

Have you tried the Women's Aid helpline? The waiting must be awful

Is the HV aware that you needed to speak to her fairly urgently? It may be worth ringing back if you feel able to, and leave a further message explaining that you really do need to speak to her today.

Don't worry about CBeebies - it's educational and good for him.

Don't forget to look after yourself, have a hot drink and a snack if you feel able to.

Podglet I'm so sorry to read this i hope that you are OK (well as OK as you can be) and that you get some support from you mum soon. I have nothing constructive to say but im sending you lots of love and Hugs please take care xxxxxxx

Podglet,

I am not too far from Colchester. You are welcome to come and stay at mine if that helps you at all. I will come and collect you before your DP gets home if you want.

Please call or email if I can help you at all.

I would call a locksmith and have someone with me when he returns then call the police if he starts threatening you etc

He hasn't even said sorry (not that it would be good enough if he had!)

You shouldn't need to go elsewhere you have your dc's you have just had a cs you need to be in your own home and feel safe.

You need to sort out being safe then worry about everything else later - believe me i really know how hard this is (I was abused for 2 years before i finally ended it and I was in counselling for 1 year before that, my ex called SS who visited and told me if I got back with him then there was a chance my dd would be put on the at risk register because i would be putting her in harms way.

My best friend stopped speaking to me because she was so fustrated wiht me for not leaving - in a way she did the right thing because i needed her more than i needed him I needed her to make me choose plus I had very good friends who practically babysat me so I didn't phone him and beg for him back!

Looking back I should have kicked him out the first time and it would have been easier, the longer I put up with it the harder it got to get out. His family begged to take him back but I told them "if you love me and dd you need to keep him away from us and let us leave and have a better life he will never change and I can't do this anymore"

I know he has probably worn you down verbally over time and he has chosen the time when you are at your most vunerable to do this, you must show him you are still strong and you can manage better without him there!

We are here to help and support you please don't think you are alone.