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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just turned on me - help...

321 replies

podglet · 14/05/2008 21:33

DP came home from work tonight with the words "bad day, going to have a beer or 7". Not unusual. He lights the BBQ for the first time (was only built at weekend) and happily pootles about with that for a while. I put DS (18 months) to bed and settle DD (1 month tomorrow). All the while, he is chatting but I can see that the beer has already got to him (find out that the first 3 pints are 8% ers).

Whilst cooking the BBQ, I go out to see what he is doing. I wander up to him as he turns around, pats my stomach and says "are you pg again" er, no I had a baby 4 weeks ago and oddly enough as it was a section, haven't quite toned up again yet. He thinks he is hilarious. I have a mild sense of humour failure.

All through tea he goes on and on about making new friends now we have kids (eh? what's wrong with the old ones). We start talking about a child at DS's nursery and DP thinks he has dubious parentage (don't ask( he then goes on to say that he still isn't sure DS is his (an age old conversation that never fails to irritate me, because he refuses to trust me. DS is his). Rather than bite back, I go quiet. I get on with the clearing up. He goes on and on and on about nothing for a while longer then storms upstairs because I'm being horrible.

I follow him up to find him going to bed. DD is asleep in her moses basket downstairs. He tells me to get my and her stuff and sleep downstairs. i ask him why he is being like this, lose my temper a bit and pull the duvet off him. He responds by leaping out of bed and putting his hands around my throat. I grab at him to make him let go. He then hits me round the head 5 or 6 times before telling me to F* off. I don't know what to do. This is all going to turn out to be my fault toomorrow and I am scared for me and the children. Please help me.

OP posts:
mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 15/05/2008 18:01

thinking of you podglet

otter1980 · 15/05/2008 18:02

just popping in to see how you are and and tell you how ace I think you are for doing something about this. He doesnt deserve to have a lovely wife and DCs xxxx

My DP has a father who sounds very similar to your H, he denied that his DD1 was his and was violent etc towards both the kids and DPs mum. It was only when he nearly killed DP's mum that she left him. DP still gets upset about it now and worries that he'll become like that.

FAQ · 15/05/2008 18:05

I'm glad you're doing ok and are planning to get him to move out.

If you fancy a break away though then you'll always be welcome in boring old Wellingborough

CooorNora · 15/05/2008 18:09

Podglet I really admire the way you're handling this. Your last post sounded so strong and determined - hope you hold on to that feeling when you see him, keep it up!

baiyu · 15/05/2008 18:47

Podglet - what a hellish time you're having, sending you lots of love and support. It sounds like you're being brave and doing the right things, well done you, I can't imagine how hard it is. Keep your chin up and know that you deserve nothing but love and respect. Hugs xxxx

bohemianbint · 15/05/2008 19:13

Good on you Podglet. You've done the right thing.

He'll hit your kids one day too, if you don't stop him now.

Bset of luck.

Thefearlessfreak · 15/05/2008 19:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

cocolepew · 15/05/2008 20:03

Thinking of you Podglet, you're doing all the right things.

joyfulspike · 15/05/2008 20:10

Just to add my support, glad you have some support in rl as well as here.

lilyloo · 15/05/2008 20:54

well done Podglet, hope you can stay as strong when you see him tonight!

madamez · 15/05/2008 20:59

GOod luck. You can do it. YOu're doing really well already and things can only get better.

blobsmummy · 15/05/2008 20:59

Sending lots of love and hugs your way podglet xxx

onebatmother · 15/05/2008 21:09

podge dear - it's really nothing to do with what he's drinking. It's to do with him, and his capacity to STRANGLE you. Please, please get out, right now.

You have dealt with everything so bloody, bloody brilliantly. But please don't consider smoothing things over.

I've thought long and hard before posting this, because I know that it is scary. I am expecting to be flamed for this. But more than one woman just like you is murdered every week. By a man that no-one has shopped to the police, because he doesn't look like a murderer. Doesn't look evil.

Every week, small children are left
motherless.

The statistics say that your situation is not going to get better. The statistics say that your situation is going to get a lot worse.

As someone else has said, his abusive behaviour appears to have fixated on the paternity of your oldest child, and - though I know it's hard to bear this - your ds is already suffering from you being involved with a man who abuses you (and him) by questioning whether he's his father. He is likely to suffer a lot more, because the statistics show that men whose insecurity cause them to question paternity are likely to physically and emotionally abuse their children, or worse.

The long-term impact of this situation - believe me - is so MASSIVELY worse than you leaving right now, that I can only express it in capitals.

If you leave now, DS might say 'mummy, why doesn't daddy live with us?' If you don't leave, he will pretty soon stop asking you anything. Because he will be too emotionally scarred to bear the answer.

Please, for your sake, and for your ds's, get out now. This is not going to get any better.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/05/2008 21:11

Well done for getting so much done! you are so brave and strong. You are an inspiration.

onebatmother · 15/05/2008 21:30

Absolutely.

ravenAK · 15/05/2008 21:36

Another 'well done' from someone else who would've saved herself much grief if she'd dealt with a similar situation with as much strength & determination.

Chin up...

MrsMacaroon · 15/05/2008 22:17

Please keep working towards a more permanent resolution podge as i know how easy it can be to trick yourself into thinking they've 'got the message' or are 'truly sorry' and regret their actions...some things are unforgivable and require bold action.

Your husband was verbally abusive before he became physically abusive and he sounds like an alcoholic. Do your children a favour and make sure they're not exposed to such damaging behaviour. You cannot have a relationship with this man and he certainly can't be trusted to supervise or be around children with such unpredictable behaviour.

You are right to want to stay in your house but please don't let property rights become an issue that threatens you or your children's physical or emotional safety...i'm not in any way judging you and have no idea how i'd react in your situation- i am just worried that by being in the same house with a man who has called you horrendous names (grounds for divorce alone, in my opinion), beaten you up and has a drink problem, you are exposing yourself to more harm. Please be safe x

maltesers · 15/05/2008 23:18

Its not your fault and you are not to blame for your partners bad behaviour. He has a problem and it will continue and you may suffer at the hands of this man, unless you act and do something soon. I have been in a very similar situation and it does get worse. You Must find the courage to seek help and either leave this man or get him to some serious councelling and anger management training, If he will go. Wishing you lots of hugs and positive vibes and hope things get better for you. Dont let him bully you, be assertive, stick up for yourself. Any more aggression and call the Police. He needs to stop his bad behaviour and NOW !

purpleflower · 16/05/2008 00:17

I've only just got home and read your email. I hope things are starting to look brighter now. I'm here if you need anything.

You sound so strong, I'm so pleased you have had this recorded. You can get through this.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 16/05/2008 07:18

Onebatmother-
spot on. Harsh but so true. Whatever it does to Podglet staying in this relationship it will do more damage to the kids. Sad to say, but you owe it to your children to get out (or get him out) I know it's easier said than done but you have to stay strong. xxx

umberella · 16/05/2008 07:51

My sister recently left a man who tried to strangle her so badly that she had to stay off work for three days until the bruises died down.

He also smashed a glass and stuck it into her arm and back badly after she stood up to him for verbally abusing her.

She refused to go to the police (or even to admit this had happened) for a long time, so we contacted the police to report this on her behalf.

The told us that the strangling was actually classified as attempted murder.

He was also an alcoholic, like your partner.

Please don't stay with this man podglet - he has opened a door here that you can't close, and it is very likely things will get worse.

Casserole · 16/05/2008 08:51

Podglet, only just saw this through our AN thread. I'm so so sorry. Thinking of you and please say if there's anything more practical we can do - seriously. Am so proud of you and the strong steps you're taking for you and your babies. C xxx

Weegiemum · 16/05/2008 09:09

Podglet, wondering how you are this morning and how it went with not-d p last night? Hping you are coping OK.

Original poster
podglet · 16/05/2008 10:36

Morning,

So, we got through last night. He came home and asked how I had been all day. So I told him what a rotten day we had had, dreading him coming home, very teary etc. Then I told him exactly who I had spoken to / left a message for. He was so chocked, it really hit home what he had done.

So, long story, lots of talking later, rightly or wrongly, he is staying here. I have told him that he needs to sort himself out, get help with the anger / drinking etc and he has agreed. I think I dealt him a real shot across the bows by what i did during the day. I have said that even one step toward any form of abuse would see me and the children leaving.

I have packed an "emergency" bag which I hope to God I never need and today will be taking some money from my savings for an emergency.

I know I am probably quite mad for agreeing to this so please don't shoot me down or judge me. I have printed this thread off to put in the bag with all your advice on.

OP posts:
otter1980 · 16/05/2008 10:43

Hi podglet

as long as you are happy with your decision thats all that matters. It might be that you can work this out but at least you have logged the violence and made it very clear to him that its unacceptable.

Hope you never have to use the bag either xxx