Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP just turned on me - help...

321 replies

podglet · 14/05/2008 21:33

DP came home from work tonight with the words "bad day, going to have a beer or 7". Not unusual. He lights the BBQ for the first time (was only built at weekend) and happily pootles about with that for a while. I put DS (18 months) to bed and settle DD (1 month tomorrow). All the while, he is chatting but I can see that the beer has already got to him (find out that the first 3 pints are 8% ers).

Whilst cooking the BBQ, I go out to see what he is doing. I wander up to him as he turns around, pats my stomach and says "are you pg again" er, no I had a baby 4 weeks ago and oddly enough as it was a section, haven't quite toned up again yet. He thinks he is hilarious. I have a mild sense of humour failure.

All through tea he goes on and on about making new friends now we have kids (eh? what's wrong with the old ones). We start talking about a child at DS's nursery and DP thinks he has dubious parentage (don't ask( he then goes on to say that he still isn't sure DS is his (an age old conversation that never fails to irritate me, because he refuses to trust me. DS is his). Rather than bite back, I go quiet. I get on with the clearing up. He goes on and on and on about nothing for a while longer then storms upstairs because I'm being horrible.

I follow him up to find him going to bed. DD is asleep in her moses basket downstairs. He tells me to get my and her stuff and sleep downstairs. i ask him why he is being like this, lose my temper a bit and pull the duvet off him. He responds by leaping out of bed and putting his hands around my throat. I grab at him to make him let go. He then hits me round the head 5 or 6 times before telling me to F* off. I don't know what to do. This is all going to turn out to be my fault toomorrow and I am scared for me and the children. Please help me.

OP posts:
EffiePerine · 16/05/2008 10:50

Emergency bag and cash a very good idea. As otter said, hope you never have to use it.

And well done for being so honest with him and saying exactly what you have done

LoveMyGirls · 16/05/2008 10:51

I'm shocked you are allowing him to stay but it is your decision.

He hurt you really badly at a time you needed it the least, a time when he should be loving and supporting you the most

Love is blind.

I really hope you don't get ground down by his verbal abuse (which is also unacceptable and not good for your dc's to hear so please make sure he stops that too) and find yourself so weak the only way you can get out is with counselling and ad's.

Please keep coming back here so we can help to keep you strong x

Grav1 · 16/05/2008 11:17

Hi Podglet. You are being very strong and very brave and I admire your determination. You seem to be doing what is right for you. You did well to discuss everything that you had done with your husband, so that he knows that you have somewhere to turn to if he ever turns on you again. Keep being strong and as the other posters have said I hope you never have to use your emergency bag.

Marina · 16/05/2008 11:20

You have a good exit strategy there Podglet and well done for telling him everything you did.
Keep that fund topped up and promise us that you will follow through and throw him out if he ever does anything like that again.
Has he made an appointment with the GP to discuss anger management and help with his drinking?

Dottydot · 16/05/2008 12:51

I really admire you - sounds like you're doing incredibly well and keeping it all together. Look after yourself though and allow yourself to get upset, tired etc over the coming weeks.

good idea re: emergency bag and cash - will your dp know about it - I think he should, so he knows you'll be out of there with the children if anything ever happens like this again.

does your dp realise it's the bigger issues like stopping being so ridiculous over your ds's parentage that also needs to be tackled? Can you both get to some counselling?

Good luck anyway and keep posting.

Dottydot · 16/05/2008 12:51

oops - I meant his paranoia - not that there was any doubt that your ds is his!

LoveMyGirls · 16/05/2008 12:57

I don't think you should keep the bag in the house keep it at your mums and enough money hidden in a bag/ coat to be able to get a taxi to your mums. Don't tell him about the bag or the money.

TheProvincialLady · 16/05/2008 12:58

Hi Podglet

You have been so brave and strong throughout this, I am really impressed. Can I just make one small suggestion? That you set a very tight deadline for this help your H is going to get, and for improvements in his general behaviour or attitude? Because otherwise you may find that tomorrow becomes next week, next month, next year etc. People with alcohol problems (my dad did and he also made his own home brew - it is often a sign that things have progressed quite far) don't usually seek help quickly and you don't want to risk this ever happening again. There will be a weekly AA meeting local to you, make sure he attends it THIS week, and sees his GP, as a minimum.

Best of luck

Marina · 16/05/2008 13:01

Good point TPL. We all know how a combination of pressurised GP services and a disinclination to make that call can get in the way of making tricky appointments.
Do make him stick to a deadline, podglet, please.

sweetbean · 16/05/2008 13:06

Just checking in and sending you lots of love !! for what its worth i think that you have made the right decision! but it must never happen again and if it dose then you realy must leave ! xxxx

ScarletA · 16/05/2008 13:09

Podglet - what an amazing woman and mother you are. And what an amazing resource of wonderful women Mumsnet is.

ByTheSea · 16/05/2008 13:23

I think you've done really well podglet. Stick to your guns and make sure he gets the help he's promised to get.

I hate to ask this, but would a DNA test help put the parentage question to rest once and for all?

Dior · 16/05/2008 13:50

Message withdrawn

Blu · 16/05/2008 15:10

Podglet - well done for being so clear with him about the support you have sought and why, and I am pleased he has responded.

I agree with the time deadline...and would suggest that you ask him to stop all drinking within that time.

Good for you - there is no reason to bail out if a constructive solution can be found. You are taking a brave step, and if your DH wants to save your marriage, you have given him a wonderful gift by giving him this chance - you deserve for it to work and I wish you the very best of luck with it.

shreksmissus · 16/05/2008 17:21

Message withdrawn

KangaAndRoo · 16/05/2008 18:41

Hi podglet...proud of you chicken and he has seen just how strong and serious you are.....a lot of women would just back down and then walk on eggshells til it happened again....he has seen just what you are capable of and wont take any sh*t!!! you keep that confidence at its highest hunni...so proud of you!! and yes...I agree with what was said above about making sure he sees someone ASAP...no good putting it off til nxt wk or the wk after..it'll get brushed under the carpet!

thinking of you xxxx

YouNeverKnow · 16/05/2008 19:41

you have your head screwed on hope your ok xx

bearmama · 16/05/2008 21:22

You sound like you know what you want, so good for you.
By his actions he has made himself the person lowest on your priorities - and thats his problem.
Look after yourself and post if you need any support. X

purplesocks · 17/05/2008 12:21

I hope this works out for you- but please be careful! I have been in that situation and no matter how many times they say they will not do it again/that it was YOUR fault/that you made them do it/that they are sorry and love you (yes, I`ve heard it all), they WILL do it again, because they know they can get away with it.

Please stay safe.

me23 · 17/05/2008 13:36

so sorry this has happened to you. I do hope this works out. I also think that you should get out now as odds are it will happen again and you and your kids deserve more.

lilyloo · 17/05/2008 16:59

Podgelet you have been incredibly brave and i don't think anyone could shoot you down.
Keep thebag somewhere safe and i hope he can make the changes you have asked.
Good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread