Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP just turned on me - help...

321 replies

podglet · 14/05/2008 21:33

DP came home from work tonight with the words "bad day, going to have a beer or 7". Not unusual. He lights the BBQ for the first time (was only built at weekend) and happily pootles about with that for a while. I put DS (18 months) to bed and settle DD (1 month tomorrow). All the while, he is chatting but I can see that the beer has already got to him (find out that the first 3 pints are 8% ers).

Whilst cooking the BBQ, I go out to see what he is doing. I wander up to him as he turns around, pats my stomach and says "are you pg again" er, no I had a baby 4 weeks ago and oddly enough as it was a section, haven't quite toned up again yet. He thinks he is hilarious. I have a mild sense of humour failure.

All through tea he goes on and on about making new friends now we have kids (eh? what's wrong with the old ones). We start talking about a child at DS's nursery and DP thinks he has dubious parentage (don't ask( he then goes on to say that he still isn't sure DS is his (an age old conversation that never fails to irritate me, because he refuses to trust me. DS is his). Rather than bite back, I go quiet. I get on with the clearing up. He goes on and on and on about nothing for a while longer then storms upstairs because I'm being horrible.

I follow him up to find him going to bed. DD is asleep in her moses basket downstairs. He tells me to get my and her stuff and sleep downstairs. i ask him why he is being like this, lose my temper a bit and pull the duvet off him. He responds by leaping out of bed and putting his hands around my throat. I grab at him to make him let go. He then hits me round the head 5 or 6 times before telling me to F* off. I don't know what to do. This is all going to turn out to be my fault toomorrow and I am scared for me and the children. Please help me.

OP posts:
eenybeeny · 15/05/2008 14:22

got your email podge - PLEASE contact any of us to talk to if you want to!!! The offer of help stands. I really dont think you should be around this man nor your children. Am thinking of you!

podglet · 15/05/2008 14:23

Ok, HV has rung. She was quite helpful.
She has given me the numbers for the local Womens Refuge and a Police Officer who deals with Domestic Violence. They both give advice over the phone.

She also has to log the call on my record.

This is so hard but I know I am doing the best thing for the children. Even if I end up letting him back in and we patch things up (believe me, am not at all sure I want this) this is on record, god forbid, it should happen again.

Am off now to ring those numbers.

OP posts:
Mung · 15/05/2008 14:25

Hi Podge. I am another Colchester girl and I know Eeny, Pooter and PF. I have just read through the thread. I am going away on holiday tomorrow, but if you need anything today, I can help. Email: hjscho at hotmail dot com My Mum is coming over later, so she can have my kids whilst I do something for you if you want...let me know.

PLEASE contact one of us if you need anything.

EffiePerine · 15/05/2008 14:27

Great that your HV has called and you're getting on to registering this . It must be so hard but you ARE doing the right thing

Sazisi · 15/05/2008 14:30

Podglet, I just want to say I think you are handling this so brilliantly.

MrsMacaroon · 15/05/2008 14:36

locksmith is excellent idea...

podge- listen to your instincts, if you're feeling weak speak to people or log in. Don't let yourself slide back into a relationship with this man. You don't deserve to be in this situation at all and i hope you find your way out if it- there are alot of people willing to help you so please let them.

Freckle · 15/05/2008 14:40

I can't believe that he placed the blame for the hits to the head on you because you tried to get his hands from round your throat! So presumably, if you'd left his hands there and let him strangle you, he wouldn't have hit you .

Change the locks, report it to the police and get a non-molestation order asap.

nandos · 15/05/2008 14:49

podglet,
i just hope you will be alright..
talk to your close friend/relatives abt this matter if you can trust them and dont let your dp hurt you again..

xxhugsxx

duchesse · 15/05/2008 15:06

Podglet, I just want to echo what everyone else has said about leaving now, and say how sad I am that your relationship has broken down so quickly. I would very seriously caution you against ever accepting him back if you decide that this is it. Men like him just get worse if you give in to them. He is abusive (and frankly I don't give a flying monkey what he was drinking- whatever it was didn't make him be violent to you, merely exacerbated what was already there).

He needs counselling, anger management and a raft of other things.

You need to feel safe, and to be rid of this man who will only ensnare you further if you give in to this "isolated" incident (no such thing imo, it will happen again and get worse each time). He has already been abusing you for some time, in the way abusive men do, by trying to break your self-esteem. Has he told that no other man would even look at you yet? I know he's made references to your weight, but has he told you are ugly and lucky to be with him? They always do eventually. Tossers.

Bad timing I know, but sadly not worth spending any more time with. My sister and I often wished we could kidnap her ex, drug him, and have "ABUSIVE MAN" tattooed either onto his dick or his forehead, or both, just to warn other women.

Keep photographic evidence, text messages, voicemails, anything that evidences any past or future abuse. If you have any bruises, take photos of them. Honestly, you will be glad of it later. Follow the advice on here about saving important documents by posting them somewhere safe, and please please get yourself out of there and safe, preferably before he gets home. You may feel safer with the devil you know, but honestly you are not. Take care of yourself.

Fleurie76 · 15/05/2008 15:13

Podglet, I'm so so for you.
Just wanted to send hugs to you from the AN thread.
I can't imagine what you are going through but you have had some excellent support and advice on here.
Do you what you need to to protect yourself and your kids.
Thinking of you
X

WanderingTrolley · 15/05/2008 15:34

Podglet I don't any advice for you but I think you've made a brave step in consulting the HV.

I think you should tell him to find a flat and stay in it - your children are at risk, even if he never hit them, they will still suffer dreadful damage if he around them and doesn't change. And he's v unlikely to change, imo.

How did the phone calls go?

barnstaple · 15/05/2008 16:12

podglet, well done. You've done all the right things. Thinking of you, good luck.

PosieParker · 15/05/2008 16:27

Wow, you're really brave well done.

Dior · 15/05/2008 16:37

Message withdrawn

FAQ · 15/05/2008 16:57

I see my message has been removed - I hope you've made a note of my mobile number I'm usually awake all hours of the day and night, and ALWAYS have my mobile with me - just ring it ANY time if you need to.

Well done on ringing those numbers

MaryBS · 15/05/2008 17:00

Well done Podglet, glad you've done something about it. Definitely think about the locksmith. Also, do you have a neighbour with a big strong husband just in case he turns funny? Forewarned is forearmed (and a good forearm comes in handy )

Praying for you...

KangaAndRoo · 15/05/2008 17:05

Podg hunny...how awful for you...I am so mad for you and also very upset for you....was hoping to see that he crept like a vile slimeball and overly apologised NOT that it would make a difference...ffs he HIT the mother of his children and his wife!

I just popped over from AN thread to offer my support and to say all of the advise on here is overwhelming...what a lovely lot of ladies...it's very touching to see all of the support.

What time is it due in from work?

Please hun...take note of the things said on here (((hugs))) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MerlinsBeard · 15/05/2008 17:16

just popped back in to say i am still thinking of you x

Blu · 15/05/2008 17:17

Podglet - so sorry.

Have you rung the police Domestic Violence Unit? I am sure they will be very helpful - and contacting them may help you with the non-molestation order Freckle mentions. Freckle is a lawyer v experiecned and sympathetic in thse matters!

I do think it is very very bad that he isn't even sorry and is blaming you for defending yourself

fransmom · 15/05/2008 17:24

oh crikey podglet

please ring the locksmith, tho they may charge for call out fee. if you are a tenant, ring your landlords (or landlords agent) and see if you can get them to do it.
i'm sorry i can't offer any more advice atm but i will keep popping back in. (((((((((((((((((podglet))))))))))))))))))

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

pooter · 15/05/2008 17:27

well done for talking to the HV. Did you speak to the police woman? Stay strong - you and your children deserve to feel safe in your own home. Email/ring me if i can do anything at all xx

podglet · 15/05/2008 17:44

Sorry I haven't been on to update but been doing tea time / phone calls etc.

My HV rang back to check I was ok (she is quite lovely) and by this point I had left msgs for the womens refuge and the Domestic Violence unit lady person. The womens refuge rang back and I spoke to the outreach worker who talked me through all sorts of things and left ms her direct numer to call again if I wanted.

The police lady was not on shift but they have logged that I have called and she will call me next week during the day. I didn't want her to call at the weekend incase DP was / is around.

I have decided to stay here for the time being. This is mine and my children's home and I am not upsetting them by leaving and taking them somewhere strange. If he wants to move then he can. I have had an apologetic email and phone call but I have said it is not enough and we will talk more when he is home. If he heads straight for the bottle then there is no discussion. He can drink elsewhere.

Incidentally, it wasn't stella (he won't drink it because it makes him nasty ) it was home brew cider at around 8% - he had 2 litres of that plus a vodka then a glass of wine. He is big (6'4 and 18 stone) and i'm not (5'3 and um, not 18 stone) and he was terrifying.

I won't be back on here tonight but I promise I will update again in the morning.

OP posts:
sue1911 · 15/05/2008 17:46

so sorry for you podglet.
My ex tried to strangle me when i tried to stop him smacking our DD just for getting water in her wellies!!!!!
He wasnt physically violent before but did get verbally abusive sometimes. He had been drinking vodka and smoking pot that day. he swore it would never happen again and i gave him another 3 months.
but every time he lost his temper i flinched, every time he had a drink i walked on eggshells and eventually walked away with DD because i wasnt prepared to live under the shadow that it could happen again.

Unfortunately i tried to keep it quiet for HIS sake until DD blurted it out to my family as she had witnessed the whole thing.

stella is known as 'the wife beater'.

Nothing excuses his behaviour and it is appaling that he shows no remorse or has apologised.

do think fully if you can live with the stress of 'worrying about another attack'. it is hard starting over but surely it would be better to be happy and feel safe & secure.

good luck

fransmom · 15/05/2008 17:49

good luck sweetheart((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

stay in your home and maybe when you are ready, maybe you might think of moving to a new home and making new happier memories for you and dc's. good luck sweetheart xxxx

controlfreakyagain · 15/05/2008 18:00

you've been really brave and strong to get all this done. you should feel proud that you have acted like this when it may have felt easier to just brush it all under the carpet. stay strong and good luck. keep posting.