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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

398 replies

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:47

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

OP posts:
Helen1625 · 01/04/2025 21:18

I think it's best left in the past. You've moved on. You're bound to be curious, maybe even a bit flattered by the fact that he's reached out again, but no good can ever come of it.

Be strong. Ignore.

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 21:22

Even putting aside the fact he may still be married, that jealousy issue is a big read flag. If he used to get that jealous when you weren’t even a proper girlfriend, what would he be like as a boyfriend? He’d probably expect you to never speak to any other man again, then it would be don’t look at another man, then the next minute you find you’re stuck with a controlling tw*t who’s probably going to cheat on you like he cheated on his wife.
You may have behaved poorly in the past but you’re worth more than that. Don’t be that 19 year old again.

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 21:27

Oh, I didn’t see your update before I posted. I’m very glad to hear you’ve moved on and seem to have made a good life for yourself. It’s good that you aren’t thinking of continuing any contact.

DonaldMacRonald · 01/04/2025 22:12

What do you do? Well for a start, you get yourself some morals and integrity.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 02/04/2025 10:42

StrawberryDream24 · 01/04/2025 09:07

She wasn't equally culpable to a 40 yr old man.

Don't be ridiculous.

Show quote history

Of course she was. 19 is an adult. These scumbags can only get away with this shit if women enable it. Telling OP she was an innocent party is doing her a disservice. She knew he was married. She was happy to be his bit on the side and actually slept with him in his marital bed. And now she’s considering going back for round two. She’s most definitely equally culpable.

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 10:45

Of course she was. 19 is an adult

A 19 yr old adult is not the same as a 25 yr old adult, or a 35 yr old adult, or a 45 yr old adult etc etc .

I'm not sure why you're denying something so patently obvious.

Perhaps because you have an agenda (?)

It's inappropriate in this thread.

BeLuckySeal · 02/04/2025 10:45

If you truly feel remorseful then tell him to fuck off, screenshot his messages and send them to his wife so she doesn’t have to waste any more of her life with this horrible man!

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 10:48

These scumbags can only get away with this shit if women enable it.

Women aren't responsible for mens' behaviour!!!!

A man who is faithful because he can't get a woman to cheat with is not a faithful man!!!

He's just an unfaithful man with no opportunities.

Get it??!!

Women are NOT responsible for men's morality.

Women are NOT responsible for being mens moral and sexual gate keepers.
That is men's responsibility.

Your views & agenda are obvious.

StrawberryDream24 · 02/04/2025 10:59

Pandimoanymum · 01/04/2025 21:22

Even putting aside the fact he may still be married, that jealousy issue is a big read flag. If he used to get that jealous when you weren’t even a proper girlfriend, what would he be like as a boyfriend? He’d probably expect you to never speak to any other man again, then it would be don’t look at another man, then the next minute you find you’re stuck with a controlling tw*t who’s probably going to cheat on you like he cheated on his wife.
You may have behaved poorly in the past but you’re worth more than that. Don’t be that 19 year old again.

Especially now he's heading for 50 and the op is a 25 year old.

She'd have better options and he knows it.

He only got her before because she was young and vulnerable.

The op needs some counselling about this.

Harry12345 · 02/04/2025 16:21

WillItEverWork · 01/04/2025 05:31

a teenager having an affair with a much older man, plus “daddy issues”, ewww this sounds like it was written by the much older man 🤢

That’s what I thought, sounds like a man discussing his fantasy!

Thewookiemustgo · 02/04/2025 17:17

I think you need to stop obsessing, making more threads here about the same thing won’t help that.

mnreader · 02/04/2025 17:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwistedWonder · 02/04/2025 17:24

Reading your update, I really hope you have grown up, realised what you did and learned from it.

You did a really shitty thing but a big part of becoming a better person is owning your mistakes and not repeating them.

Scummy wankers like him won’t ever change and learn - blocking him really is the only way to move forward.

jcsc · 02/04/2025 18:11

You both deserve a slap round the cunty chops.

busymomtoone · 02/04/2025 18:17

You can’t be serious? Of course you know what to do!! This man is bored and hopes he can use flattery and most likely a pack of lies to lure in a younger woman. Absolutely no good whatsoever can come of it. Respect and love yourself more and trust that you will find someone who is single and ready to offer you the love, future and relationship you deserve. This guy is definitely not that.

JustSawJohnny · 02/04/2025 18:30

He never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention.
What a fucking delight you are.

I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.
As you should.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over.
This is nothing short of disgraceful.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife
Took you long enough.

history could end up repeating
Are you really desperate and/or stupid enough to get yourself re-involved with a married man who admitted he'd cheated with other women before you?!! If you are then go for it. He'll cheat on you too and you'll fully deserve it.

Any advice ????
Grow up, wise up and get some empathy. And morals!

JustSawJohnny · 02/04/2025 18:32

jcsc · 02/04/2025 18:11

You both deserve a slap round the cunty chops.

Why did I type out a long-ass message when this says everything 😂

👏👏👏👏👏

JustSawJohnny · 02/04/2025 18:36

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 03:38

The marriage wasn’t a happy one was what I was told. if anything they were staying together for their child. He also believed she was seeing someone behind his back. I’m not excusing my behaviour although I think sometimes the ‘happy family’ shout is a reach

Show quote history

Well, there we have it - OP IS stupid.

She fell for every cheating married man trope in the book.

restingbitchface30 · 02/04/2025 18:36

You block him! You say as the years went by you felt sorry for his wife and yet you’re asking what you should do. I stupidly had an affair with a married man when I was young too and at rock bottom after getting out of an abusive relationship. Young me needed the attention and had no self respect after what I’d been through. It took me 6 months to think WTF am I doing and I broke it off. If he got in touch now I would block him straight away. He’s only at a loose end with no other side piece on the go right now.

ERthree · 02/04/2025 18:38

You were 19 back then and you can almost be forgiven for having an affair with a married man. You are now nearly 30 and a fully fledged adult so you need to do the decent think and tell him you are not interested in causing hurt to his wife and child. If you don't then you are the lowest of the low and deserve everything that happens to you and then some. Drag your morals out of the gutter.

Springhassprungthesunisout · 02/04/2025 18:44

Maybe his DW has come to her senses and kicked him out for being a cheating scumbag who preys on impressionable young girls and so he's working his way through his address book for a quick pity shag?

Block him and raise your standards!

99problems99 · 02/04/2025 19:43

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:47

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

Trash back then. Trash now. His poor wife, and child!!!!! seems this post is purely for attention. Obviously you don’t need anyone on Mumsnet to give you permission, just do what you want, you seem the type, regardless of the hurt caused.

Thulpelly · 02/04/2025 20:09

What ‘advice’ are you expecting OP?
Obviously you should run a mile.

Missj25 · 02/04/2025 20:23

No happiness will come out of it for you OP ..
Aren’t you doing fine without him ..
Delete him ….

Dogsbreath7 · 02/04/2025 20:41

Back then you were 19 and immature, happy in lust and ‘attention’, with no remorse or guilt.

What are you now?