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Original poster

Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

398 replies

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 01:47

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

OP posts:
changeme4this · 02/04/2025 20:52

You can do better !

Tuttifrutticutiepie · 02/04/2025 20:53

He sounds like a complete loser frankly. Why would you be interested now? I think you should explore this in therapy of some kind to be honest. You were a messed up 19 year old kid fine - but you need to mature beyond that and fairly soon or you're going to screw up your one and only life. I find it strange that he would be in any way attractive to you now.

MellersSmellers · 02/04/2025 20:54

Don't engage with him and meet someone your own age. At 25 I don't know why you'd be interested in a 45 yr old, though I can see why he would be.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 02/04/2025 21:16

You're right to focus on yourself OP.

He used you when you were younger, but you're meant to be wiser now.

The fact that he thinks he can still use you all these years later, shows how little he thinks of you.

Don't be someone's sloppy secret, there'll be somone out there who'll respect and love you with no baggage.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/04/2025 21:23

Find your own man - a man of your own.
At your age there are plenty of them available.

If you can't control your texting when having too many drinks then you need to consider the amount of alcohol you are drinking, either that or don't blame it on the drink.

choccytime · 02/04/2025 21:24

You come over as sad and desperate , why don't you try finding a guy of your own instead of nicking somebody else s

TheTavern · 02/04/2025 21:35

Of course you know what to do - walk away.

Laura95167 · 02/04/2025 21:37

This guy likes a side situationship.

You didn't keep him at armslength, you're kidding yourself because you're asking the internet what to do now your old flame is in touch. If he'd been at armslength his reappearance wouldn't have had this effect.

He's a cheating pig, who misses the excitement, who told you what you needed to hear to feed the passion. Keep the fun memories but leave them there.

You don't want this whole thing to be grimmer

Umbrella15 · 02/04/2025 21:57

Thenighttimer · 01/04/2025 03:38

The marriage wasn’t a happy one was what I was told. if anything they were staying together for their child. He also believed she was seeing someone behind his back. I’m not excusing my behaviour although I think sometimes the ‘happy family’ shout is a reach

Show quote history

Evan if that was true, it was still their marital bed. Its 1 thing to have an affiar with a married man, but another to have 1 in the bed he shares with his wife.

MrsSjc22 · 02/04/2025 22:06

Gracie

SavageTomato · 02/04/2025 22:46

Tell him to fuck off and never contact you again. Then block everywhere. You are so young, get out of his sleazy orbit and live your life on your terms. Fuck him,just a dirty older man. Take time to be single. Get to know what you want and enjoy. Men can wait, there's loads of them to choose from. And you have all the time in the world.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/04/2025 23:27

He has a temporary gap in his schedule.

He thinks you'll do to be going on with.

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 02/04/2025 23:32

I think you’re being very honest.you clearly still have feelings for him.
however, he is committed elsewhere.
he will now be older too.
He is a jealous man. He had a wife and you on the side but wanted you to be monogamous with him.
what has happened in his life to want to return to you? Has his wife left him? And if so why? Is he in financial difficulties?
Has his current mistress dumped him?
Does he want your shoulder to cry on for some reason? You soak up what’s bothering him, and feel bad, but he feels better.
you know really no good can come of this but still have feelings for him. I hope you don’t contact him for your own sake. You don’t know it but you are worth more than being his bit on the side, shoulder to cry on.You need and deserve someone you can trust who trusts you and you to be number one in his world. That isn’t and never will be this man
I wish you good luck and hope you make the right decision

Stevejustarandommale · 03/04/2025 02:06

Alot of us have probably done something similar when we were younger. As you said, it's the excitement and the being wanted. Personally though after this amount of time, plus the fact he's volatile aswell as married, I'd suggest going nowhere near him. You deserve better so does his wife by the sound of it.

Original poster
Thenighttimer · 03/04/2025 02:50

MrsSjc22 · 02/04/2025 22:06

Gracie

What’s Gracie

OP posts:
Original poster
Thenighttimer · 03/04/2025 03:15

Hi. OP here. Wanted to say thanks for all those that gave the opinions and advice.
although now more to the story. He has now found a way to contact me elsewhere (after I rightly deleted his number after a lot of good advice)
he has got back to me saying that he understood I would not want to have gotten back in touch after all these years of no contact. He has now informed me that his wife sat him down last month and came clean about an affair she’d be having with a colleague for short of a year. He told her of his and they were both as surprised as each other although both agreed they had not been happy for some time. He explained in his text he was only looking to get back in touch to talk again as he was confused and upset id stopped replying out of the blue and that he wants to reconnect as friends first.

I would like to add I have NOT replied to this message. As from regrowing and finding the time to move on and listening to other people’s replies. I at 25 do not want to be involved in 3rd party in someones marriage.
Although now that he has got back with this,m and that they are no longer together do people think I should see what he has got to say? especially as it has now come to a shock that both him and wife were not being faithful? Or am I better out of this for good?

OP posts:
MeAndMyGhost · 03/04/2025 03:22

As I said before, block and delete, no good can come of this.

CalleOcho · 03/04/2025 03:22

Although now that he has got back with this,m and that they are no longer together do people think I should see what he has got to say?

No.

Ignore him. Keep blocking all forms of communication.

He just wants a shag. He’s trying his luck. That’s it.

He thinks you’re easy and will go running back to him. It’s obvious he doesn’t want anything serious with you. He never did.

Ytwi · 03/04/2025 03:22

do people think I should see what he has got to say?
if you want to get back with a creepy older man who’s shown he has zero respect for his long term relationships and is a cheat, crack on, but surely you have higher standards than this? Block him on whatever way he’s contacted you now and move on with your life and be thankful this drama is no longer a part of it

HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2025 03:36

Although now that he has got back with this,m and that they are no longer together do people think I should see what he has got to say?

Sure. Do that. Go even further and get into a relationship with him pronto. Guaranteed he will then, at some point look to have affairs. Whether anyone will want him and he will be successful, don’t know, but he’ll definitely try. This doesn’t seem to bother you at all, so, yep, go for it, full on, why not! The whole friendship thing is a red herring, and you know it, that’s not what you want, so why continue this here? Just get in touch and recommence where you left off, and best of luck.

Notsosure1 · 03/04/2025 03:37

Absolutely marvellous- the player has been played 👏🏻 to that!

Despite him cheating on her years before her own affair - which at least she had the decency to admit to - he’s obviously feeling unsettled at this revelation and is looking for his ego, which has joyfully taken a battering, to be soothed by a reliable vagina. He needs to feel that he is still desirable, or is looking to even the score again and he thinks you’re a sure thing. That’s an awful way to be thought of OP.

He’s not doing this bc he’s missed you or been thinking of you every day in the YEARS that have passed without contact, he wants to get even with his poor wife and is desperate. Leave him to it.

Starlight7080 · 03/04/2025 03:52

You are 25 and he is 45? Why would you want anything to do with him .
He obviously wants more then friendship. He is a 45 year old man hoping he can still convince a much younger person to find him attractive/interesting.
Don't waste your time with him . Honestly as someone in my 40s i have nothing in common with a 25 year old . It's much different stages of life. His goal will be sex .

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 03/04/2025 03:55

Tell his wife so she can be free of this liar. Stay clear. You can get your attention thrills elsewhere. Have some respect for yourself and for his wife. He sounds despicable.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 03/04/2025 04:08

Seen the update. Its clear he’s needing a mid life crisis ego rub. You’re at risk of being used. Don’t allow it. If you could see all the similar messages he’s sent to other women would that help? There will be plenty of those. You’re not the only one. Don’t be gullible. I would never allow someone like that to have any accesss to me. I respect myself too much.

DearDenimEagle · 03/04/2025 04:52

I don’t believe him.

I think it’s a tall tale to get you to contact him. It’s a well known ploy from an inveterate liar.
. Even acknowledging his message is a victory to him that he can still control you / get you to react. A foot in the door. The start to a barrage.
Please, ignore
For your own sake. Just ignore.

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