Had an affair with married man when I was 19 and he’s got back in touch and idk what to do

[Thenighttimer]

After my previous post, I wanted to write a bit more in detail about my situation

Basically when I was 19 I started seeing a man who was 39 at the time and was married with a child.. fast forward 6 years later he’s back in touch. What should I do??

we met suddenly and he never hid the fact he was married. I was 19 and loved the excitement and the attention. I never felt used at any point, if anything I’d say I had more control. I was aware of what I was doing but still felt guilty.

this man literally told me everything about his life, told me things he said he couldn’t even tell his wife. He even opened up to me about cheating on his wife previous times before me. He’d get quite jealous if I mentioned other guys, which I kind of enjoyed as this fed slightly into my daddy issues.

I would drive to his house on his days off work and we would have sex, he’d call me at night on the weekends and we would talk for 4/5 hours. One night his wife was out, I slept over. We ordered Chinese, had drinks, cuddled and talked. We seemed to have a good connection, I knew everything about him, although I kept him at arms length and was smart enough not to tell him everything about mine. He’d talk about leaving his wife for me, he said we wanted to get a place together he just needed to wait till his child was older, although I wasn’t stupid, this was the last thing I wanted. I enjoyed the fun

this went on for 3 years and this man was obsessed. He’d link Spotify playlists adding songs which reminded him of me, kept a ring I left at his and carried it his wallet. All in all it was pretty toxic but because I was young, I enjoyed it.

as I’ve gotten older, I genuinely felt sorry for his wife. Although he said the marriage was loveless and I only ever got one side of the story.

anyway, one night we were on the phone he went crazy cause I said I was out with a guy and he got jealous. The next morning I got the urge to just not reply to him again. Fast forward years later and he’s back in touch.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure of his situation now although I know if I get back in touch, history could end up repeating. Any advice ????

When I was late teens, early 20’s I had lots of older men coming onto me. It’s quite easy to say “no” to someone who is old enough to be your dad and at that much older than you, should be giving you the ick, not the fanny flutters.

I think the phrase is “ahh, you remind me of my dad”.

That's a classic cheating man lie. "My wife is cheating on me so she deserves to be cheated on herself." Why do people still fall for this? I can guarantee the wife wasn't cheating. BS

You're in your 20's and this guy is pushing 50. Gross .

You've only his word for that, he's not going to tell you it's a great marriage and the sex is still good, he just fancies a bit more on the side.

I've seen enough threads on here where the wife is blindsided, sex etc all seemed good, to know that affairs don't always start because the marriage is unhappy

Ask yourself why you would want to get back in touch. Are you looking to be the “other woman” again, and “just have some fun” or are you hoping that he will want to “be with you publicly” this time? You say that you had/ have “daddy issues”, do you think that somehow this man will fill the gap for you?
At 25, I think you need to have a good think about what you want from your own life, and maybe get some therapy to help,you work that out.
In the meantime, steer clear of this man and every other married man.

Find a good relationship. He isn’t the man for this.

Block and delete. He’s the worst sort.

At the very least - surely you can do better than a man who cheated on his wife with multiple different women and fucked at the least one of them in her bed?

I'd contact him OP and resume the relationship. Sounds like you're birds of a feather and thoroughly deserve each other. You never know, you'll probably do his wife a huge favour. Maybe that'll console you when you discover someone else's knickers in your bed or you're reminding him to change his tena pads in a few years time.

Even putting the affair element aside, 39 and 19 is gross 🤢 scrape together what self respect you can find and walk away.

Daddy issues is my guess

I was maybe 16/17 when it dawned on me (via having shit parents) that I wasn’t responsible the actions of anyone else, but I was responsible for myself. So who is “worse” is, for me at least, irrelevant, because someone else behaving badly in no way justifies my doing the same. Blaming other people for my actions or whining like a 5 year old that “what he did was worse” helps nobody, least of all me. My actions, my responsibility. That realisation helped me no end.

Block and delete. He did an awful thing to his wife. As did you. This isn’t complicated. Doesn’t matter how exciting you found it, even myuch younger teenagers would know having an affair with a married man is wrong.

OP, I did something similar when I was in my 20s. It’s taken me a lifetime of therapy to work out why but I know now that it’s because I had a whole textbook of issues to work through. Please stay away from him and consider some counselling because this is not a healthy relationship and it’s not healthy that you’re considering going back. You need to find a way of recognising toxic men and blocking them faster than they can work their way into your life.

Proud of yourself are you?

Surely now you’re older you realise that this is cliched bullshit? If not boastful/ on the wind up, then you are seriously naive to the point of vulnerable and this man is taking the piss out of both you and his wife. I feel embarrassed/ sorry for both women in this scenario, he’s playing you both.

I genuinely think that, if this is a genuine post, you need some professional help to work through whatever your “daddy issues” are as your posts do not seem to be written by a modern, savvy, psychologically healthy young woman.

You keep telling youself that hun…..

So what are you thinking now, @Thenighttimer? Have you left the building?

Hi. I appreciate the replies from other posters, as well as people’s honesty. Whilst I disagree with many posting about how I’m ’loving the attention’ and seem to be ‘proud of myself’ I’m certainly not. Maybe years ago at 19 I did as at that age, I was naive and as I said, liked the attention from an older man as I did not have one in my own life.
In the 6 years, I’ve moved forward with my life, got a decent career, have good friends around me and have met decent men. I have never contacted him again and certainly have never even thought about engaging in anything of the sort again.

When I received a message from him again, of course part of me was interested in what way his life was looking 6 years later. It had took me back to a time where I wasn’t in the best place, struggling with self esteem and was genuinely interested in this person. That is not the case anymore.

I was not expecting sympathy or any sugar coating from anyone. The post was intended for anyone that had went through the same thing and can give advice, as I’ve stated, I’d be genuinely embarassed to talk to friends/mum about this as I do have genuine guilt/not something I’m proud of. It was easier to do it anonymously like this. I’m grateful that many replies have been from people that went through the same thing years ago and how it worked out for them.
I have deleted his number. His business is his own and I hope he can get on with his family. As for telling the wife, I don’t think it’s my place. This is for him to do. I feel like it’s best to focus on myself

You were young, naive and loved the attention… but in your head it was never going anywhere. And that’s how it should stay. He is an absolute ”see you next Tuesday” for treating his wife the way he did… if she was that bad he should have left. Any man like this is not worth your time. As others have said, block and delete. I sincerely hope his wife is with someone better, and I’m sure you will too x

So sordid.

(not you, op, but the situation he put you into).

Course it wasn't... This is a tale as old as time 🙄

Look, he's basically looking for a fuck and knows that previously you were happy to buy his bullshit and provide just that. Question is have you grown up enough and got over your 'Daddy issues' to realise that and tell him to fuck off?

Good luck op with moving (hopefully away) from this bellend and towards something more positive and healthy.