Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

[DreadingItagain]

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

That is awful @DreadingItagain. No wonder you are so hurt. What would you like to happen?

That’s terribly hurtful, I’m not surprised you are upset.

Why are they bothered that you don’t work? I presume it doesn’t impact on them in anyway?

They’ve always been really nice to me ??!! I’m so shocked because I thought they were all kind and supportive but the way it was worded was clearly for a group whatsapp? So they’ve been saying this behind my back I assume . I just feel hurt.

That is awful. You must feel so hurt. They should be ashamed

I don’t know I’m still quite angry so can’t really work out what I want to do going forward. An apology would have been nice but it feels more like they are all just embarrassed to get caught out DM especially made it sound like that’s just what DB thinks and that it’s ok as he didn’t have a go at me in person

Wow, your family is shit. I'm especially shocked at your mother.

I'd take a massive step back from any contact with them all and don't think I'd ever trust them again. I'd also be secretly happy that he fucked up and posted in the wrong chat. At least now you know they're awful.

Oh this is so hurtful OP. Especially as you’ll be tearing your hair out trying to work out exactly who is on the other group chat! 🥺

They have never been anything but lovely to my face ? Always supportive and check in how I am a lot etc ? This has really shocked me as it’s not something I would ever have expected to see as it’s not how I thought they felt about my situation.

People are total shits sometimes especially families. I'd be stepping back from them frankly.

Be secure in knowing yourself that you're not a cheat.

Edit: sorry I meant stepping back from DB.

Ouch! That is hurtful.

Agree it doesn't impact them at all if you aren't working and are able to claim benefits. I have a relative who doesn't work and also refuses to lower himself to claiming benefits. So he just takes money off our retired parents instead! That really is annoying. I wish he'd do the work to claim whatever benefits he might be entitled to.

That is really hurtful. Take time to think what you want from this. You cannot unread it so you need to deal with it. Dealing could mean cutting them out of your life or using this as a moment to try and share some understanding of each others positions. That could be challenging for both of you as often there is more than one truth.

That’s awful m, I can’t imagine how hurtful that is

I think it hurts so much as it’s really not what I ever expected from them. Sometimes I’ve had the odd comment off people but really only a few times over the years so very rare for anyone to judge my situation but my family had been consistently lovely (to my face! ) I feel like it was all an act and they’ve all been saying things behind my back and I keep thinking what else might they have thought or said and I feel very hurt .

That’s awful, I would reply with “ how would you get a personality/attitude transplant “

I don't think I'd want to speak to any of them again. But this is what our society is turning people into - it's evident on this site every single day. People with disabilities are now superfluous to need and we should all just crawl back into our holes and stop draining society.

I'd be expecting a huge apology once they all realise and it sinks in.

You've dealt with it perfectly so far.

Sending big unMumsnetty hugs OP.

I’m guessing your family is feeling pretty ashamed this evening. Hopefully someone reaches out with a grovelling apology.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm sure you have enough on your plate dealing with your own and DC's disability without feeling judged by your own family. That was a an excellent message btw and great you stood up for yourself and didn't just let it go.

It'd take a step back for a while and see if any of them get in touch to talk about it. If they don't then you have your answer.

try not togo down that route OP wondering what they might have been saying - you won’t ever know , it won’t help and it will drive you mad thinking about it . I would say the ball is very much in their court now . Concentrate on your own little nuclear family . There are some that are jealous of others having what they see as ‘free money’ . I also think your reply was spot on .

They’re probably furious they’ve been caught out and are bristling because they’re obviously wildly in the wrong.

Some people hate taking accountability and choose to lean further into blaming the person they’ve hurt, as justification.

I’m sorry OP, that’s so horrible for you. I hope they come through with an appropriate apology. But please know they are wrong, and have shown themselves up appallingly.

Your family obviously think you’re capable of work.

If you’re definitely not, that is very upsetting.

I’m not sure how to move forward with that.

Does your DB not believe in your disability OP? The way he says "getting away with it anymore" makes it sound as though he thinks you're scamming the system or something. Maybe ask him if he'd like to trade places and you can work while he suffers the condition that prevents you working. Some people are very strange and it's extremely hurtful that it's your own family judging you.

@DreadingItagain im so sorry this has happened to you, that’s really rotten. I hope they reflect a bit, especially the person who made the comment, and apologise to you. Family really can be the most hurtful of all sometimes. Chin up, and I hope they can all do better in the future.

How awful.
Your mothers response is disgusting and shameful.