Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

[DreadingItagain]

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

Good grief @DreadingItagain, no wonder you’re upset. Backstabbing CFs.

Great message in response, though. Well done. They must be dying of embarrassment. Good.

You know your worth. Hold your head high. Feel sorry for their ignorance. I’d stay civil with them. You have the moral high ground.

Your mum sounds weak.

Wow! I’m so sorry you had to see that, and I’m so sorry your mum fucking defended it!

who you thought you had as a family is sadly a complete lie. If there is any positive it’s that now you know.

I’ve had similar levels of hurt from my lot and it broke the relationship ultimately, I’m so much happier without them in my life actually and I don’t miss them at all.

do you by any chance have any therapist you can access? When my lot all imploded, I was in therapy and it really helped me navigate the utter jaw droppingly painful hurt I felt at the hands of my family

if not, love we are here, some of us sadly know you’re feeling and we’re here for you whenever you need it.

tell your friends about this too, you need RL support around you.

again, I’m so sorry.

What an apt username you have.

I second this. Take care OP.

I wouldn’t bet on this.

they’ve all been talking about this for a while, it’s the casual nature of the comment that proves this.

any apology won’t be sincere, and I’d never trust any of them again.

Wow you really are happily obtuse eh?
"If your condition is genuine" wtf. She scores 4 points and her son has the same (presumably genetic) condition. Yeah that screams faking it to me.

As to the chronic fatigue I'm sure everyone in that office went to bed every night and woke feeling like they got no sleep at all. So you're exhausted. Then repeat that for days, months, years. Doing less and less activity to manage the fatigue but feeling all the more exhausted as the condition progresses. And then have everyone you know call you lazy, a scrounger, a chance and then still have you bitching about it on an Internet forum years later when it literally doesn't affect you. I bet your colleague is still disabled, just like you're still a nasty person.

👏 absolutely this! Well said 👍

Can I ask if your disability is something physical or not? I ask because very often if it's something that can't be 'seen' or is obvious, as in more hidden, people don't seem to be very understanding. If a person had a leg missing, then it's OK not to work, because it's obvious there's an issue. I would be devastated, in your position and it would make me question my whole relationship with my family. Being kind, understanding to your face but then bitching in a separate chat behind your back is such a shock and betrayal. I personally think you handled it perfectly on the WhatsApp group, and you've removed yourself. Your Mum's reaction is poor, just because your brother didn't say it to your face, doesn't make it any better. I wouldn't rush to contact any of the family, and would take a step back. Your brother is entitled to his opinion, but to be so nasty behind your back, is uncalled for and he owes you an apology.

If your family, The people who say they love you and have your back are questioning you, who the hell can you trust. I’m so sorry.

That’s what I thought! 😂

I’d recommend researching ME - Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, the real name of Chronic Fatigue SYNDROME. (Not chronic fatigue)

Youll learn for example that researchers have put the blood of people with ME into mice and mice developped the same symptoms of ‘fatigue’ - read complete and utter exhaustion. I mean people with ME aren’t even allowed to give blood!
Youll learn about PEM - Post Exertional Malaise, the hallmark of ME. A worsening of symptoms that often put people in bed for days, if not weeks.
Youd also read that the quality of life of people with ME is one of the worst of most what people would consider severe conditions. Things like COPD, RA etc… People with ME can often do less than people in the last stages of cancer too.

But yes, I’m really sure that person was just lazy. What else could it be right? Because no one would ever be exhausted after doing so little. Well unless you have an awful illness leaving you with no energy at all of course…

The ignorance is staggering. Worse is when people come and clearly feel so sure in their beliefs they think it’s ok to state them as facts.

What a horrible thing to say, I would be deeply hurt.

It's so hurtful.
Once people show their ableism you can never unsee it. Same with members of my family who disbelieve my disability / make ableist comments and who I'll never fully trust since learning this.

If you can get past it then never give them any more info about your disability or benefits so they can't use it against you.

Well, now you know that they think your disability doesn’t affect you to the extent that you’re unable to work. Very nasty to have bitched about you and not nice to find out like that, but knowing where you stand with them you can take some time to decide how to move forward if/when they get in touch to build bridges.

BTW it’s a fallacious argument for some posters to be saying “oh so he’d rather be disabled would he…” or similar. Absolutely nonsensical.

Oof. The secret WhatsApp group with everyone but you in it. Always horrible.

This is offensive and wrong.
You say people get the same amount without having to lift a finger. Let me tell you, what I get on pip is nowhere near what I was paid in the career I've had to massively scale back. Pip is very little money and also the cost of living for disabled people is, on average, higher due to all the hidden costs.

Your colleague with chronic fatigue (I think you mean chronic fatigue syndrome/ ME CFS) was probably giving their all just trying to keep their head above water and sustain their job, whilst downplaying symptoms for fear of judgement.

I hope you never have to experience what it is to go through losing your health. It can happen overnight and it did to me.

Doesn't matter what her family think.
Why did you use the words if and definitely? Sounds like you are judging her too. Are you?

You're actually suggesting that the OP should buy her brother some beers and food, and make sure he's ok?

What a dickhead. Is there any kind of saving grace as in he playfully jokes about you not working normally? As in, to you.
We used to say to our family member that was in a wheelchair things like "ooh skiving off again?" But always playful , like a running joke, and the person laughed along.
You're not wrong to be hurt

Just goes to show that you never truly know people. Sad but true.
Fake smiles, fake tears, fake friendship...wow. Hold your head up and keep moving. 💪

Yes, as the behaviour is seemingly out of character, it’s possible that he is having a hard time that the OP doesn’t know about.

So after the anger has subsided, I would go around and have a conversation about what it was all about. I am pretty confident that there will be some missing information.

My DH has progressive MS. In the early years when he seemed ok to outsiders who didn't see him on the days he couldnt get out of bed we got some comments on the DLA money & mobility car. It’s awful when your own family resent you getting a ‘free car ‘ &’ some extra cash’. Now that DH is virtually housebound & can’t walk at all they finally see it. Take care of yourself Op. So sorry your family have let you down.

I wouldn't bother with your brother until /if he apologises. The others I'd expect to check you are OK. It's possible the others don't express the same views. Only db

That’s so awful. I feel sad that you had to read such a nasty message. They should have been absolutely mortified and apologetic.

Wow. Your DB sounds like a real dick. Glad he got caught out. You don't need sly two faced people in your life. Leave the group in real life too, not just on WhatsApp. Stay strong x