Saw a whatsapp message about me 😞

[DreadingItagain]

We have a family WA group (me, DM, DSIS (2) and DB plus SIL and one BIL. Just because it makes it easier to share things and arrange things.

For context, I don’t work (due to disability and also my DS has one of the same disabilities as me).

A message popped up on the WA group from DB at around 2 pm today saying ‘So , what do we all think DreadingItagain will come up with now as a reason to not work ! Can’t see her getting away with it anymore !’ Obviously in relation to the spring budget. I saw it and replied ‘WTF???’ . Then nothing. No reply, No apology. Can only assume that they have another group as he put ‘we’?

I’ve never thought anyone resented me but clearly they do. I called DM and all she could say was ‘everyone is allowed an opinion and he hasn’t said it to your face’??? Spoke to one of my sisters who was evasive and denied there was another group. So I messaged on the family group ‘Clearly some of you have a problem with me and have been bitching about me and my child behind my back. Just in case you were wondering I do actually get 4 points in one descriptor so I don’t have anything to worry about at the current time in relation to my finances, my family on the other hand I do seem to need to worry about.’And I left the group.

Im really hurt though. Why are people so happy about the thought of others having a difficult time ???

It doesn't really make things better, it's very hurtful but I suspect there isn't another group and your brother meant to message one other person but put it on the group by mistake. I would have hoped for a better response from your Mum.

@DreadingItagain I’m really sorry…

As you said the worst part of the bitching behind your back. A fact your mother didn’t even try to conceal when she said ‘but he didn’t say it to your face’.

You'd hope that they dint all feel like this. But how would you be able to know?

What do you think your next step will be?
Any meet up with them is going to be very strained if things aren’t talked about and put in the open. At the same time, you’re clearly risking ‘loosing’ your whole family there.
Its a really shot position to be in

But his message said “what do YOU ALL…”

The implication is clearly that there is another group chat where it’s established that it’s OK to discuss OPs disability in this way.

Unforgivable.

It doesn’t mean they cope with said symptoms the same though.

I personally don’t feel I can judge. I know mysekf that from the outside, it might look like I can do more than I say. But people don’t see the crash afterwards when I’m in bed fircdays. And no I dint advertise it either.

Your brother is disgusting and your mother and sisters are spineless. If they are not calling him out for his disgusting comment then they are complicit. I would just move on mentally. Wait for them to reach out to you. Find more positive people to have in your life. You did the right thing leaving the group, well done.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.. I know it doesnt help but I sympathize with what you are feeling right now.. You handled it really well. I imagine they are freaking out on your brother in the other group chat right now and well deserved. I agree with whoever said dont dwell on what other conversations may have been happening. t could only make you feel worse and you will never really know. Just a shit situation all around.

Did you know carers allowance is a taxable benefit? All £81.90 of it

Without knowing the condition, the jobs, and any co-morbities that your relative might have it’s impossible to respond.

I’m autistic and have ADHD. I work full-time (self-employed now) and also care for three people simultaneously. I don’t judge other autistic people who don’t work as it’s impossible to know how each person is affected. The struggles I do have, which are many, almost no one would know about. I struggle in silence and behind closed doors.

Having the same condition is only a tiny part of the picture. PIP is really hard to get, despite what people seem to think. But people love to point the finger at others while simultaneously preening themselves for being a hard worker.

Maybe your relative is one of the tiny, tiny percentage of people that have managed to game the system - but it’s unlikely. Not impossible.

It doesn’t affect me personally but I’m thoroughly sick of this attitude that automatically assumes that the majority of claimants are scroungers and work shy.

It’s just a race to the bottom while those at the top just get richer.

Precisely, unfortunately, there are a lot of chancers who're happy to bleed the taxpayer dry.

Not everyone who isn't working can't work. (Not saying OP) but it's foolish to believe everyone has genuine reasons.

It's interesting coming from family as they'll know OP well.

Nothing wrong with questioning.

This is a disgraceful way to be treated by family. Your mother's response is just horrible.

Honestly, i'm not sure I could ever speak to them again and I am quite a forgiving person.

I'm very sorry x

They don’t believe your disability means you can’t work
they PRETEND they do believe that, but they don’t
I’m so sorry

That is awful and both enabled by and contributes to wider societal attitudes. Absolute pricks, all of them.

So, rude and hypocritical. What lovely people.

Would you rather be disabled? Really? There’s no excuse for the sort of ignorant and nasty attitude the OP’s brother has shown, absolutely none.

What disgusting behaviour from your family. I experienced something similar, not disability related but during a time when I was struggling with my mental health and it's changed my relationship with family members completely. I left the group just like you did and distanced myself from them. We are back in contact now but it isn't the same and it never will be, I can't trust them

Exactly my iron levels were extremely low I walked out of hospital the lady still on the ward had slightly higher than mine couldn't get off the bed they thought our results had been switched to took more blood from me before letting me go home it was me who was the lowest! But I coped better 🤷‍♀️

It is absolutely impossible for people not to revert to 'but'. Every time. You're absolutely correct.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP, how hurtful.
I agree with PP's that the best thing to do now is distance yourself from them all, they need to reach out and repair your relationship. Don't contact them for now and don't make any arrangements with them. I hope that at least some of them realize how much they've hurt you and reach out soon.

Ooh this reminds me of something else. I worked in a hospital and watched two patients have blood transfusions for their low iron levels. Then went to the GP to fetch my results. Mine were even lower 🤯. But I was fine and coping and didn’t need a transfusion.

Hugs @DreadingItagain . I think you have handled it beautifully. Step away from the family for a bit to process the hurt. Do you think it’s worth a direct call to your DB to see what he has to say for himself? I don’t know if that would help or just give him an opportunity to hurt you more. It might be worth explaining to him that if you had a choice between living with this disability and working full time, you would choose working full time every single time, and unfortunately you did not get given that choice.

My parents (in particular my father) have a tendency to say judgy things about my sisters finances, like when they spend money on things he deems a waste. I have to assume he does the same about me. I either don’t say anything in response or actively disagree with him and tell him it’s up to them what they do. Unfortunately, with some people judgement is just built in.

He once made a comment to me about a car my husband had bought for a significant career milestone “oh, that must have cost almost as much as your house”. Which shows me has absolutely no sense of the cost of things in the modern world. For context, the car cost 6% of the cost of the house, and we could easily afford it.

@Foreverexhausted1 Yes, you find out who really has your back in a crisis, don't you. I'm on good terms with DH's family but they've failed to back me up or even be particularly kind during a few family crises now (we've been married over 20 years)- so although I'll always be nice for DH's sake, I'll never really trust them, because I have far better friends than them tbh!

I'm hearing this "at least they didn't say it to your face" thing more and more frequently these days. FFS, talking about people behind their backs is WORSE, not better!

I'm sorry you've had to go through this, OP. I hope you have other people to love and support you.

OMG op this is really awful. I’m so sorry.

I come from a large family and I suppose we occasionally share the odd comment between us about one another but only in the mildest of ways and it’s done with good humour and the understanding that none of us are perfect.

Just the very fact that they have another group chat which excludes you is pretty shitty tbh. I would wonder how that came about?

And to leave you hanging in silence after it happened is particularly rotten and cowardly behaviour. You might think differently if they had all rushed to apologise abs turned up with flowers and at least attempted to explain themselves.

I’d be furious and feel betrayed, especially if they pretended to be loving and supportive to your face. They have essentially been lying to you.

Also, as pps said, your mother’s behaviour is particularly poor. She should be setting the standard of your interaction and insisting on fairness. Does she favour your db over her other dc?

FWIW I think your reply was absolutely spot on op and very dignified in the circumstances and in your shoes I would be going no contact until I had received a full apology from all of them. They have totally broken the loyalty and support that you should be able to expect from family.

I know it’s really hurtful now but maybe in time you will be able to come to see this as a useful heads up about the reality of your family and this incident will act as a catalyst to nurture other relationships.

Why have you called everyone, except your DB who actually made the post?

How appalling rude. And bizarre as they knew you'd see it?! I'd tell them straight to fuck themselves.