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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

163 replies

Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 21:53

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 25/03/2025 21:57

Very strange - it’s your mother. You can see her as often as you like.

MissAmbrosia · 25/03/2025 22:03

WakingUpToReality · 25/03/2025 21:57

Very strange - it’s your mother. You can see her as often as you like.

This, And anyone telling me differently unless there was a HUGE backstory could fuck off.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/03/2025 22:05

You don't need your partner's permission to spend time with your mum.

This is red flag central.

LighthouseTeaCup · 25/03/2025 22:05

Is your partner controling in other ways? Does he build you up or criticise you in general? Do you have access to money? Do you have your own friends?

Do you think you should be concerned that your partner is trying to isolate you from your family?

Shegotanology · 25/03/2025 22:07

What the fuck have I just read?

GigiGem · 25/03/2025 22:09

This seems so strange and also quite controlling

PullTheBricksDown · 25/03/2025 22:10

Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this

You are not allowed to have your mum with you at a baby group? This is way off normal. It's coercive control.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/03/2025 22:10

I'm thinking you're being vague because your partner is also female.

Notwithstanding, this is coercive, controlling behaviour designed to separate you from a source of support.

DitzyDerbyBabe86 · 25/03/2025 22:10

My god, this is one of the most disturbing posts I’ve read on here. Not normal in anyway shape or form. I’d be packing my bags. It won’t get better with this walking 🚩

Original poster
Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:15

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/03/2025 22:10

I'm thinking you're being vague because your partner is also female.

Notwithstanding, this is coercive, controlling behaviour designed to separate you from a source of support.

Well spotted @NeverDropYourMooncup . I just didn’t want any advice to be biased based on sex of the person, my partner is female and maybe that makes it worse for them with the parent thing. Their family lives an hour or so away so not on the doorstep which I’m sure also doesn’t help, but I also can’t help that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:17

PullTheBricksDown · 25/03/2025 22:10

Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this

You are not allowed to have your mum with you at a baby group? This is way off normal. It's coercive control.

Maybe allowed was too strong, they would not stop it as such but I get such a hard time and argument for asking if it’s ok I wouldn’t feel it was worth the fall out to take her as it would just be then more and more arguments that I can’t make sense of

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 25/03/2025 22:19

Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:17

Maybe allowed was too strong, they would not stop it as such but I get such a hard time and argument for asking if it’s ok I wouldn’t feel it was worth the fall out to take her as it would just be then more and more arguments that I can’t make sense of

Show quote history

This isn't a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:19

LighthouseTeaCup · 25/03/2025 22:05

Is your partner controling in other ways? Does he build you up or criticise you in general? Do you have access to money? Do you have your own friends?

Do you think you should be concerned that your partner is trying to isolate you from your family?

No none of those things apart from maybe me feeling like I’m going nuts or I’m the problem but nothing you have listed

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 25/03/2025 22:21

This is not a healthy environment for you or your baby

TomatoSandwiches · 25/03/2025 22:23

Get yourself and your baby away from this bully, will your mother help you to leave?

Stripeyanddotty · 25/03/2025 22:25

Leave.

Shegotanology · 25/03/2025 22:25

Most children's relationships with their Grandparents are special. Denying this because of insecurity, an irrational one at that, is just wrong. I really hope you can work this out. I was brought up by my Mother and my Nan and never confused the relationship that I had with my Nan.

Dotty87 · 25/03/2025 22:26

While she may not be verbalising that you aren’t allowed, her actions have the same effect. It’s controlling behaviour and absolutely not healthy.

if you continue this way you will lose out on time with your mother, which could be heartbreaking when you look back in years to come.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 25/03/2025 22:26

That is just so horrible and unhealthy OP. My mum was my biggest support when I had my dc and I would have had a much harder time without her. To be threatened by your relationship with your mum is just so weird and such a red flag. If you don't feel you can assert yourself and knock this utter nonsense on the head then I feel incredibly sorry for you, and for your poor mum.

CheeseWisely · 25/03/2025 22:29

This is madness OP. I don’t especially love spending time with my DH’s family but I fully appreciate that they are his family and by extension our DC’s family so would never stand in the way; I just don’t always join the meet ups. Tomorrow in fact he’s taking our baby to spend the day with his Mum and I’m doing something for me. Your partner sounds controlling in the extreme, it’s not healthy.

ScruffGin · 25/03/2025 22:30

Why do you have to ask permission to see your mum? I see mine all the time without even mentioning it to my DH, it's a non event.

This seems to be a massive red flag, unless there's a huge back story. I'd push back against this, and if there's back lash, I'd leave. How would you feel if your child's partner wouldn't let them see you as an adult?

AutumnFroglets · 25/03/2025 22:33

You are being controlled and manipulated by an abusive person. Leave. Now.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/coercive-control/

Coercive Control - Refuge

Coercive Control - Refuge

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/coercive-control/

Original poster
Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:33

Dotty87 · 25/03/2025 22:26

While she may not be verbalising that you aren’t allowed, her actions have the same effect. It’s controlling behaviour and absolutely not healthy.

if you continue this way you will lose out on time with your mother, which could be heartbreaking when you look back in years to come.

But they just say that because I often don’t not see mum I’m not losing anything - there’s so many things I’d have loved to have done with her unrelated to my child but just to be in her company when I’m lonely but haven’t felt able too, I try to say that even though I go on walks still with her the time is tarnished as I’m worried all the time etc but they say that they can’t make me feel worried when there is no direct consequence to me seeing my mum. But to me if feels there is as it’s always an argument or cold Shoulder. So I guess I’m only right if I actually stopped seeing mum which I would never do as it would make her more sad than she already is watching my unhappiness. She doesn’t need to know what’s going on she’s a mum - she knows without me saying a word

OP posts:
Original poster
Nay1990 · 25/03/2025 22:34

ScruffGin · 25/03/2025 22:30

Why do you have to ask permission to see your mum? I see mine all the time without even mentioning it to my DH, it's a non event.

This seems to be a massive red flag, unless there's a huge back story. I'd push back against this, and if there's back lash, I'd leave. How would you feel if your child's partner wouldn't let them see you as an adult?

Edited

I’d feel very sad - not a way I’d thought about it before

OP posts:
LifeIsGreatForUnicorns · 25/03/2025 22:34

I think this is due to the insecurity of your DP… and maybe they are jealous of your relationship with your mum.
Definitely controlling and coercive behaviour 😢