Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

@Biting shes much smarter than that. There’s no evidence of anything. In fact I’d say all the evidence there would be is from me when I’ve got upset and hurled insults because I’ve reached my limit, so cleverly on paper thus would all just be me. So I’m pretty stuck and hence why I just wonder if maybe this is all me and I’m deluded in thinking this is all bizarre. But then some odd 50 people commenting all saying the same things is upsetting to read but surely means I’m not going mental

I promise you you're not. Please reach out to your Mum x

Where is the baby’s father? What’s his take on this tyrant you and his child are living with?

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen no father. Doner conceived same sex relationship

It really doesn’t matter why she is doing what she’s doing. She knows, she’s told you. She thinks it’s fine and reasonable. It’s not, it’s abusive.

The only way to deal with this is to be absolutely firm and say, “look DP, I’ve had enough of this. Stop pushing me around with your moods and your words. I will see my mother when I want and I certainly won’t ask for your permission. Any hint of sulking or anything short of normal, nice supportive behaviour and that will be the end of our relationship”.

Joint counselling my arse, definitely not.

Personally, I would leave in this situation but you sound like you’re not ready for that.

Her behaviour is outrageous.

Pa the doubting yourself and your understanding and reality is a sign you’re being abused. I’m so sorry.

Nah, she knows exactly what she is doing. She knows you don't like arguments and drama an will bend to her will to keep the peace. You need to get yourself out of this relationship. You can't continue like this

Have you asked her how she’d feel if a future partner of your baby stopped them from seeing her?

How would she react if she was in your Mum’s position and what would she expect her DC to do? Comply with the partner’s wishes or deny them and visit her mum (your DP)?

I'm not one for jumping to LTB because I feel we are all human and imperfect. We all have illogical thoughts and feelings but we must be ready to work on it and work together to make things better . She is being manipulative about the counselling because she knows she is wrong and doesn't want to change.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to her is over or it should be now. What is the situation here re the finances and property?. Is there a civil partnership to dissolve?. You will certainly need legal advice to fully extricate yourself from her.

You are in an abusive same sex relationship. Pregnancy and birth are flashpoints also for an abuser to further ramp up the power and control against their target, in this case you. It's not your fault that she is abusive and you have never driven her to abuse you either.

What if anything do you know about her childhood?. Pound to a penny there was abuse in it.

She will never go to therapy and has said as much already also because she is abusive and she knows full well what she is doing here. She does not treat anyone else like her friends or her work colleagues like she does you; abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Make no mistake, your child in turn is being abused by your female partner too because you as her mother are.

I’m so sorry OP.

I used to double up seeing mum with a baby activity, we’d also go out for coffee/lunch/shopping afterwards or if DH was working in the office I’d invite her over to keep me company. As far as DH was concerned that was great, as that meant that he didn’t have to socialise with my mum at the weekends.

Mat leave is a lonely time. Most of your friends will be working during the day.

Not like it excuses your partner’s position, but does she have any concerns about your mum? Thinks she swears too much/bad influence on the baby? The only reason I say this is because I was apprehensive of MIL being around DD as she’s extremely manipulative/no boundaries ‘nasty mummy for not letting you watch tv during dinner’.

We don't own our children. Your child has a right to be surrounded by many loving people - but it could be post natal depression. You didn't say if your partner is male or female but PPD actually happens in men too. It's not just a biological/,hormonal thing

Op please start planning your escape. What you are describing is coercive control. Gaslighting and isolation are two of their tactics. Trust me you aren’t going insane, it’s not normal to be told you or your child can’t see a family relative.

The more you push back, the more they will tighten their belt so to speak and attempt to put more pressure and control on to you and it will just get worse for you.

Abuse is NOT a relationship problem. Romantic or peer relationships that are abusive are not equal relationships, meaning that one person holds and controls the power in the relationship. Abusers choose who to abuse.

When you try to discuss the abuse with an abuser, dare to ask for behaviour change, or tell someone else about the abuse, often, they will say that what you're describing didn’t happen or happened differently than how you're describing it. They can go so far as to tell you or other people that you are mistaken or are making it up. This is called gaslighting and it's a remarkably painful and dangerous way for an abuser to maintain control.

Your best and only real option going forward is to leave.

OP, don't go to counselling with a controlling partner. Think about your future - you are already modifying your behaviour to accommodate her unreasonable demands. Your family are probably really worried about you.

If you stay in this relationship, it will get worse and you will find yourself completely isolated and controlled. Please think about leaving. In the meantime, stop limiting your time with your mum, visit her house and allow her to visit you and spend time with the baby. It's normal and healthy for him to have a close relationship with his grandparents and your partner is completely wrong to try and stop this.

Your DP's insecure about the baby and maybe feels jealous of the bond you have with your DD and that your DD will develop with your DM. Maybe she's worried she'll be less important to you than the baby that you're nuturing. Whatever, you need to talk it through so she understands that her insecurity/jealousy is hurting you all.

My wife and I have a toddler and a 8 day old baby and she would never behave like this. I can spend time with whatever family member I like ! Especially if that's for them to spend time with the kids, help me out, or for all the younger family DC to all play together. This isnt normal, especially coming from another same sex couple view point. You are both mothers but you gave birth, your experience is totally different to hers, the level of support you need is totally different. I gave birth to both of our kids and at first my wife struggled with who she would be, not a dad not a mam but something in the middle and completely new to us. Now our oldest I'd 2 and their bond is next level, they worship each other. And she is 100% supportive of whatever I need right now. I just had a cesarean and trying to establish breastfeeding, she is behind whatever I need to make my life easier! Especially a good support system through family. This is not normal OP. Yous need to have a good chat about it and tell her how she's making you feel. This sounds like a her problem not a you problem x

She’s very very reluctant for counselling, thinks it’s all BS and that counsellors in her experience have just been invalidating, minimising of her emotion or blaming.

Counsellors, plural. 3, I think you said.

What was the context of the past counselling? Could the counsellors have drawn attention to unpleasant attitudes and/or behaviours on her part, and she dislikes them for that reason?

This sounds like controlling behaviour. It sounds like they are trying to cut you off from people close to you. They absolutely do not have the right to dictate when you see your own mother. It does not sound to me like they are acting in the best interests of you or your child, in fact they are acting completely against those interests. I cannot imagine ever having to get permission from my DH to see anyone and vice versa. Do not become isolated, you need people close to you to support you.

Go to counselling for yourself. Don't tell her either. You need to work out why you are bending yourself up like a pretzel to accommodate her unreasonable demands.
Also you might need to try several different counsellors before you find a good fit. That’s normal too.
Stop telling her everything. She’s only going to use it against you.

@Mamofboys5972 thanks I really appreciate it from another same sex couple as I agree there are differences for her to navigate and she too has struggled with the “what is my role” thing but you can see our DS absolutely adored her and totally knows she’s mum, and I try so so hard to be around as much as I can even if it’s at the detriment of my sanity for staying in all morning if I know she will then get to see him for an hour before work. I struggled so much in the start when I really needed my mum just for emotional support but I just had to not wash or cry all evening when DP was working as I didn’t feel I was able to ask my mum to come over to help me, and I’m so sad il never have that time back again and it’s all been ruined, but somehow it just all feels like it’s my fault and I’ve caused this all, I mean no one is blame free - I’ve had my moments and I’m definitely not a calculated thinker - so if I’m pushed to limits il just spit venom and say hurtful things I don’t mean and regret it later, all of which are now against me if I try to talk to my Parter. I’ve tried every approach, angry/calm/rational/irrational and not a thing changed the outcome - or at least not for long.

So basically her previous therapists haven't told her that she was right and everyone else is the problem.

She's controlling and abusive OP, she doesn't even need to threaten you as she already has you walking on eggshells to appease her and altering your behavior preemptively as you have reduced contact with your own mum.

She refuses couples counseling (this is good as she will use anything you disclosed to further manipulate you) but also objects to you getting counseling for yourself as there are "things you need to hear". But she hasn't told you those things as it's keeps you in a state of panic wondering what you've done wrong. She then refuses to talk to you, she's stonewalling you as then no disagreement is ever resolved and that keeps you anxious and wondering where the next argument will erupt. All this is why you feel you are going mad, she's doing all this by design and no amount of chats, discussions or reassuring her will work as she's emotionally abusive. She cannot be trusted, anything you confide to her in vulnerability will be twisted and stretched beyond the truth to use to abuse you further. Can your mum support you to leave?

Control and abuse can’t be negotiated or counselled. Control signals the end of the relationship.You need to leave her. Has she ever been violent to you?

You're with a jealous controlling bully.

This is something you've chosen to continue with, and something you've chosen to be witnessed and experienced by your child. You can unchoose it.

Attempting to control who a partner can and can't see is worrying isolating behaviour - 'why do you need anyone else? You're with me now' is a well known tactic. And the fact it's another woman doing this to you about your own mother is irrelevant.

And her claimed reasons are nonsense.

I wonder if she has issues and insecurities with the fact that you're the baby's birth mother and she isn't?

Or that you being close to another woman, your own mum, is somehow a threat to the relationship?

Totally speculating here but what lies beneath this? Some sadness in her own life and childhood?

You need a full conversation about this. Find out exactly what the problems are around this.

Set out to yourself what you want to happen and why. Tell yourself

My partners behaviour IS strange, unreasonable and controlling.

She tries to emotionally manipulate me.

I need her to stop behaving like this.

And practice your statement to her.

I have a right to see anyone I choose, especially my own mother.

I need my mother's support and closeness.

My baby will need and love to have a relationship with granny.

I am taking the baby to see mum on mother's day.

Then when you tell her, stay in control of your own behaviour, language and how you speak (you've said you sometimes get upset and say things you regret).

Watch her behaviour and reactions, as if you're a scientist observing.

Ask yourself is this the response of a completely well and rational person?

Do you want this for yourself, your mum and most importantly your baby?

@GoAwayNow7 no never most definitely not, she’s a very pleasant well spoken individual so to the outsiders eye it’s very uncharacteristic and you wouldn’t put anything i am describing alongside the individual. In fact I would say from a characteristic point of view to the outward eye I am the confident one who is outspoken and a bit rough round the edges - so what I’m describing should typically be me acting this way I guess