Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

A man wouldn't have carried and given birth to a child, though. And he wouldn't be confused about whether giving birth to a baby made it hers, whatever the origin of the ova and sperm.

For 13 years i could only see my mum on a Saturday shr couldn't visit our house it was awful. You feel guilty as your being manipulated and gaslit. Honestly start separating emotionally ducks in a row and leave or you will be me in a number of years. Promise.

You need to speak to Women's aid urgently.
She is abusing you.
She is a bully.
She is controlling you.
You are clearly afraid of her.

Talk to Women's aid.

You are an adult in an adult relationship. If you don't feel able to make your own choices, especially around the relationship with your mother then this relationship does not sound healthy. It sounds like coercive control and it doesn't matter for what reasons. If your partner feels insecure it is something that she can work through. Dumping it on you does not bode well both for a good relationship and also for a healthy environment for a child to develop in. You need to set boundaries and be an equal adult in the relationship who doesn't get punished for seeing her mom. If you cannot asert yourself please seek some help, it will help tremendously in the long run

Why would you even need to ask if it’s ok to see your Mum ?? Honestly, id be rethinking this relationship as it sounds like your partner is being very controlling.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @Nay1990. Just to give you another lesbian parenting perspective, before our daughter was born, my wife admitted she was having a hard time dealing with the fact that my family would be biologically related to our daughter while she wasn't. (I was both the biological and gestational mother.)

The difference is, she completely understood that this was her issue. And it never raised its head after our baby was born, because she realised that babies care more about who gives them cuddles and love on a daily basis than whose genes it has inherited.

On mornings when I was struggling and my wife had to go to work, she would always ask me to call my mum to come over and keep me company, because she wanted me to have support when she couldn't provide it. Not only was it better for me, it was better for our daughter, and THAT was her priority.

Given your partner is unwilling to work with you on improving your relationship, I would just spend whatever time with your mum that you can.

(Incidentally, as gestational mother and primary carer, you would actually be in a better position where custody is concerned if you were to split.)

Narcissistic people try to drive a wedge between their partner and their family and friends so that they can control them. Be careful - this is a massive red flag.

That's a really, really odd way of looking at it!

I wanted to go through pregnancy, and honestly didn't care whether our baby was biologically mine or my wife's. The reason she's biologically mine is that my wife is scared of needles, so didn't want to go through the egg retrieval process.

It's also INCREDIBLY insulting to refer to a woman who gave birth to a baby she is raising- and who is legally her child- as a surrogate. The OP is a mother.

@Nay1990 how are things now ?

This.

Leave.

Op hasn't been back to post in months

Ahh yes. Didn’t notice the date. 😳

Bet she didn’t leave though.