Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

You are being isolated and only abusers do that. Once you are totally separated from your social network, the abuse is stepped up. Been there there, bought the T-shirt. The sooner you get away from your partner, the easier it will be

Go and live with your mum.

I’ve suggested this before to them in ways as they are a middle child and very much existed as the forgotten one in my observation- the irony of things being that they were on the phone to their mum 4 times today for one reason or another - of which I couldn’t care less as whatever suits, but it does make me sad because we aren’t a telephone family but I do see her a couple of times a week and it’s as described in the OP. Feels pot kettle. When I try to say I wouldn’t have an issue of thier parent went to a baby class or whatever they say it’s irrelevant as that’s a “hypothetical” scenario that’s never occurred 😕

Would you consider leaving her? I think you should go and stay with your mum. This is really unhealthy

I assume you are the biological mother and your partner struggling with her role and bond in the family. She is insecure & panicking that your mum will be closer to the baby than she is - especially as your mum is a blood relative and she isn’t. But none of this makes her attitude ok. You are being psychologically terrorised by her and it is making you stressed and miserable. It can’t go on. You need to stand up to her, see your mum when you like, including at baby groups and if your partner continues to try to control you, tell her you will end your relationship.

Your partner is trying to control you. Alienating you from family is a huge red flag. You and your baby deserve to have a relationship with your mum. If they can't accept that I think you would be much better without them.

In fact no. It was reciprocal ivf so she is the biological mother and I was the carrying mother, so if anything I would be on the back foot for that. Maybe she just wishes I didn’t exist and she had the baby to herself I don’t know

This is very controlling and selfish behaviour from your partner. Essentially she’s happy to deny her partner and her child love and support from a family member in order to have her own needs met. What those needs are it’s difficult to say without knowing more but if she’s genuinely worried about your child thinking their grandparent is a parent (which is ridiculous) maybe that’s a sign she needs to take a look in the mirror, or even better, engage with therapy.

@LurkyMcLurkinson i can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked to go to therapy but she won’t, has 3 experiences in the past that invalidate her and reinforce her opinion that it’s a load of BS. As far as I got was when I said I was going for my own therapy and she changed her tune and said it wouldn’t help going alone as there’s things I needed to hear - so I said for her to find someone she was happy for us to speak too - being mindful of her dislike for counselling so trying to support her at least finding someone she has chosen - and then weeks later when I broached the topic she had “forgotten” to do anything about it

Oh op please don't allow her to treat you like this set your bar high, see your mum every day if you wish, she is jealous of your relationship with your mum, how sad, will she be jealous of your relationship with your child in the future, please op stop her control now, enjoy being a mum along with your mum,

@ScruffGin they said they don’t care how much I see my mum but when it concerns the baby being there is the biggest issue - which is all the time as what am I suppose to do with the baby otherwise ?

Because it's all part of the control

I’ve had a controlling female partner and you are in that exact position. She’s trying to isolate you from your mum’s support and mat leave is already isolating. Keep seeing your mum and decide what you’ll tolerate.

This just sounds really unhealthy, OP. Your partner sounds selfish and controlling. This is not a situation to tolerate.

I get such a hard time and argument for asking if it’s ok I wouldn’t feel it was worth the fall out

This is exactly what the word “coercive” refers to in the phrase “coercive control”.

@CheekyHobson has nailed it. There can be abuse in same sex relationships and you’re in an abusive relationship. The behaviour you describe from her is not healthy, normal or loving. It’s not how partners in a healthy relationship operate. It’s horrible and destructive. As a PP said: why are you even asking for her approval/permission. Just take your child to meet your mum.

@Dery ive never been a mum before so I really have no reference of normal or whether as it’s our child i need to ensure anything i do is relayed to them etc. they tell me they want to parent with me and feel my mum is the third person in the relationship- assumably as its a frequent topic of argument - but only as it upsets me so much. I would much rather it was never spoken about because it didn’t need to be and both our families came and went as much or as little as we wished. She doesn’t have the same issue with my dad as he lives 4 hours away. And also maybe she would realise he wouldn’t tolerate it as he’s a more braisin character than my mum who plainly probably just feels ostracised and bullied too

My ex was like this. I wouldn’t have my mum over the house due to the fear of all the arguments it would cause with him after. He had no issues with his own mother coming to stay with us almost every weekend, crying because she missed the baby and returning to stay with us by the Tuesday.

No surprise, but my ex was very controlling and my mother picked up on this very early on in our relationship. He didn’t want me spending time with her for fear she would identify elements of his controlling behaviour to me. He would say I wouldn’t have my mother over for Easter Sunday, etc, because his own mother lived further away and it wasn’t fair (despite us going to visit her most holidays and so on).

The whole thing was awful and i had to push my mother out so much just to make him happy, making myself miserable.

I am much, much, much happier now that he’s an ex.

Yes my mum hasn’t been over in months despite being nearby, not outright prevented but I feel I couldn’t. But anytime her parents want to come they do.

Your partner is insecure and is struggling to find their place in the new family, and also struggling to understand or communicate that as they are externalising it onto your mum who is not really related to the actual issue.
Explain that it's ok to feel insecure but please don't bring your mum into it. Then ask how you can work on this to make them feel more included.
Remember the transition where a first baby comes is a big one for everyone, both parents are now parents, and new grand parents, aunties etc. Everyone has an idea of how they will fit in and it builds up in their mind untested by reality until one day it all happens and naturally people fight for their vision to be the real one. Add in the practical struggles and hormones and you have a recipe for short fuses.
Hope you can work it out, it's all about communication and understanding. Although bear in mind it can also be when abuse etc pop out, so keep reading between the lines and keep your basic boundaries.
Good luck!

This is control and manipulation. You need to stand your ground, or you'll be isolated and miserable.

Your partner's behaviour is not okay.

If she is not willing/able to change then the question then becomes what are you willing to tolerate. What you’re describing is domestic abuse (please see the using isolation part of this image) because she’s attempting to control you through punishing you for going against her wishes, in an attempt to make you compliant. It
is however also widely recognised that domestic abuse often gets worse over time so there’s a very real chance she will get even worse.

You need to get rid.

This is textbook controlling behaviour- they make it all about their feelings, so you feel constantly in the wrong. If only you didn’t do (whatever) they wouldn’t feel sad, angry, insecure, so it must be your fault.
it’s 100% bullshit. Your partner shouldn’t be preventing you seeing people you want to see, or preventing you having them visit, or stopping you from having members of your family having a relationship with your baby.

This is a massive red flag. I am sure your family can see faults in your partner that your not willing to see. Your partner doesn't stop you seeing your mother but moans about it. She is breaking you down where you will be isolated. You will stop seeing your mother because it won't be worth the hassle. Unfortunately you have two options stay and become isolated or leave and actually have freedom. You shouldn't need permission or any hassle to see your mother. The most important thing I can say to you is remember your mother won't be around forever. You will regret not spending time with her when she is gone.