Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

Don't hide it. Tell him you're an adult and don't need his permission.

Whose idea was it for you to lose out in two ways - not your biological baby and you had to suffer through pregnancy and childbirth. You were a surrogate and your partner wins on both counts. She sounds incredibly controlling. Has she always been controlling and upset if she doesn’t get her own way?

I’ve been thinking about this all morning.

OP this is such an awful situation for you all around.

All new mothers are extremely vulnerable but you’re in an even more vulnerable position than most.

This relationship is not healthy. Your partner should be bending over backwards to support you. Instead it sounds like you’re walking around on eggshells.

What would happen if you just stopped walking on those egg shells and just told your partner that you are going to see your mum during the week whilst your partner is working? Just tell her, stop pandering to her.

I’m so sorry OP, I cannot imagine the legal complexities for you to leave this relationship.

If both their names are on the baby's birth certificate then it is no more legally complex to leave this relationship than any other. They are both legally the child's parents.

If the OP gave birth to the baby, is the one on maternity leave and is potentially still breastfeeding, there's a good chance she'd be considered to be the child's primary caregiver if she decided to end the relationship now. Obviously both of them should have an ongoing relationship with the baby, but the baby can't live with both of them at the same time if they are separated.

That said, I can understand why a new mum might not want to separate from her baby's other parent (however toxic) if it meant not having their child 100% of the time.

I think you need to gradually ease back on this. If she is the default parent when you’re together, then it will harder to be equal when you go back to work. You might find you’re the one pushed out.

How would you be financially if you split up, would you both be able to manage? What are the childcare plans after mat leave? Start think about what set up would be best for you if you do split.

You can't make sense of your partner's behaviour for the very simple reason that it doesn't make sense. Leastways, not to any normal person who isn't pathetically insecure and riddled with paranoia.

And anyway, even if you did somehow manage to contort yourself into a position that appeases your partner it won't last long. She will just move the goalposts again and again. If you stop seeing your Mum, she'll then take issue with you going to the baby group. If you stop going to the baby group she'll then take issue with you chatting too much with a neighbour. It wont stop and she won't stop.

Sadly, very sadly, your partner wants you to feel anxious, uncertain and confused. She wants you to doubt yourself. She wants to keep you weakened and isolated.

Your partner is very emotionally damaged (for whatever reason) but it is not your responsibility to heal her.

I lived like this was years i was OK to visit his mum anyways divorced now best thing ever

You desperately need to speak to Women's aid and get legal advice.
Coercive control.
You are being abused.
Stop ignoring it and make the calls for help.
The longer this goes on the more vulnerable you become.
You need advice and support.

OP she won't go to therapy with you because she doesn't want a neutral party essentially playing referee in your relationship, because probably in her mind she will lose. Going to therapy will only highlight her behaviour further, she doesn't want a qualified professional siding with you or questioning her behaviour in any way. She wants to be in control and does not want to change.

She also doesn't want you to go alone as she can't control that situation and doesn't want you to have any support. You have a new baby and she's wanting to stop you from seeing your own mum, it's coercive and controlling behaviour. I have been in one of these relationships too OP and they will make you feel like you are going crazy.

Your partner may not be saying 'No, you can't see your Mum' or 'No, your Mum isn't allowed to come with you to a baby group', but her behaviour is telling you in spades, that she disapproves. Therefore, you limit seeing your Mum, mute her messages, so not to cause yet another row. Your partner is being abusive, it's that simple. She has absolutely no right to treat you in this way. I'm sorry to say but her behaviour isn't going to improve, it will slowly become worse. Your relationship with your partner isn't healthy, and it isn't an environment you should be bringing your child up in. I agree with other posters, leave, before you are isolated and your self-esteem is eroded away.

ive been overwhelmed by the amount of responses and it’s been a lot to think about and read. I tried to talk to my partner this evening to raise my concerns about her behaviour but I don’t feel I’m getting far. She continues to say that she is not ok with my mum living nearby and that it’s valid she feels like this. She tells me from now on I live my life and she lives hers and we do what we want but I feel apprehensive that it’s really going to happen that way. She continues to tell me my relationship with my mum is weird and we have a bizarre attachment and that’s it’s her emotions and she’s allowed to feel like that. I have watched and looked at many other mum/daughter relationships and I really can’t see mine is any different. She tells me we need to stop talking about my mum and just talk about us and focus on us, which feels like it’s just overnighting the issue being her problems with my mum for reasons I just don’t understand. How can I rationalise with the irrational ? I’ve suggested we separate and it just went straight to talking about the fact she has more in the house than me and who would have the baby. I told her I think she’s controlling and bullying and she just laughed and told me she thinks the same about me. I just feel at a check mate all the time. I feel if we separate she will turn nasty and use things I’ve said in the past against me to shut me out of my sons life. I really struggled in pregnancy with worrying about bonding and such like and I feel despite genuinely doing my total best for my son and worshiping the ground he walks on that she will just dig up that to use as ammunition against me. I’m almost certain she’s catalogued past messages and recorded conversations at times that she might later use to spite me. Like I have been honest about - I’m poked like a bear and at times I hold my hands up to throwing insults that have been mean towards her - but never unprovoked or random. I just feel so stuck and lost and trapped

I’d be interested to know more specifically what about your relationship with your mum she doesn’t like?

@LurkyMcLurkinson as far as I know - that she lives nearby is one, that I see her a few times a week usually - mainly only since mat leave - before that it was less obviously as I’m working , says we are co dependent and can’t not see one another, I am her only child my partner is one of 4. That in the past when she’s stayed to look after our cats if we have been away she’s done things like give the bathroom a clean to be kind and it’s been perceived as invasive by my partner. That’s really as much as I have been told to summise why she has these issues

My DH sees his DM twice a week. He takes the kids there most weekends as they love it there. Your wife sounds batshit.

OP I would research your legal rights in regard to your son. I would think it would be quite hard for her to prevent you from access if you are prepared to fight for it.

You will always feel like your wheels are spinning with her because abusers will never engage with the real problem - they will always deny they’re doing anything wrong and try to turn it back around on you, even when you know what they are saying doesn’t make sense. But it prevents issues from ever being resolved.

This is the time when you need to listen to yourself and block everyone else’s voices out. Deep down you know her behaviour is wrong and ungrounded and that as much as she denies it, you’re right to just want a normal relationship with your mum. You have to make the choice to validate your own feelings, to say “I don’t need her - or anyone - to agree with me, I know in my heart what I want is fair.”

Once you have accepted that, it’s time to make a plan to move forward FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR SON, and don’t be afraid that she can overpower your love and determination to be a good mum to your son. In the end, people can see lies from the truth, and even if your ex spouts lies to your son, he will eventually see the truth. My ex has told all kinds of lies about me but my children can see through him. You will be okay.

She sounds completely unhinged and irrational in that case as you’re describing a perfectly normal mother daughter relationship.
I shared this image the other day but if I were you I’d review it and really think about whether any of her other behaviours are abusive. I’d also look at the cycle of abuse and darvo. When you do that listen to what your gut is telling you. Do you feel the relationship is abusive or is this the only issue?

Nailed it

I don't think you have any option but to separate to be honest - your partner has a pathological dislike of your very normal closeness to your mum and is unwilling to even consider that she may be in the wrong. If you stay in the relationship, her unhealthy attitude is going to be a continuous sticking point and will inevitably isolate you from your family. Your son needs more than just you and your partner - wider family relationships are important as are friendships for him further down the line. Please get some legal advice. It's highly unlikely that she will be able to shut you out of your son's life. Regardless of the fact that she is the biological mother, you are the one that birthed him. From a legal standpoint, you are his mother.

I personally think you have a normal relationship with your mum and she doesn’t with her mum and is jealous.

i see my mum once a week but speak to her 5 nights out of 7 as she lives alone. We live within 2 miles of each other and she has came to our house to feed the cat and water our plants etc when we’ve been away for the weekend. All perfectly normal things for a well adjusted adjust to accept.

Out of curiosity, what’s she like about your friends? Especially your women friends? Do you meet up with other mums? What about other gay friends who might know as a couple or you individually? Can you hang out with them without her?

I’ve suggested we separate and it just went straight to talking about the fact she has more in the house than me and who would have the baby. I told her I think she’s controlling and bullying and she just laughed and told me she thinks the same about me. I just feel at a check mate all the time.
Your relationship is over. She didn't apologise or compromise or want to discuss a way forward. She went straight for the jugular to get you to pipe down and roll over. She's a nasty piece of work OP. Time to start planning to leave as soon as possible.

Please speak to Women's Aid to help you see things a little clearer, and also ask them about Reactive Abuse. I always seemed abusive to ExH but actually it was him knowingly pushing my buttons to make me seem crazy to others. Now we are no longer together other people see it clearly too (thankfully). But now you know what she is like it is time to start protecting yourself and try to learn the art of grey rocking

https://breakthesilencedv.org/reactive-abuse-what-it-is-and-why-abusers-rely-on-it/

This is controlling behaviour. I'm currently on maternity leave (also a lesbian, not that that's relevant), and I don't even think to tell my partner what I'm up to for the day, until she asks how my day has been! I see my mum several times a week, as she is a 10 minute drive away, and frankly maternity leave can be very lonely. Your partner is very callous for cutting you off from your main family support. Also 'not allowed'??? You can do what you like, you're a grown adult. Invite her to your baby group, OP. Go and see her when you like. Your partner can sulk and bitch and moan all they like. Stand firm and don't be manipulated by them.

Oh, OP :(
The bar for non-contact or even reduced contact with a legal parent is so high. The prospect of you being awarded nil contact with your baby (given a decent lawyer and actually even self-repping) is almost zero.

You’re the primary carer for an infant. Yes, your current partner will likely get contact but that might not be all bad. Then, she can plough her own parenthood furrow and you can decide how you want to parent for yourself. If you’re calm, emotionally sensitive, supportive and open, there is every chance your kid will want a close relationship and will turn out OK. As unfortunate as it is, kids can and do cope with a problematic parent if they have a safe parent to go to.

If you used a UK fertility clinic, you’re a legal parent by default because you gave birth. Egg donation is neither here nor there. Providing you’re not married or civil partnered, your current partner will only be a legal parent if you did the consent paperwork correctly before embryo transfer or if not, through a post birth process to acquire PR. IIRC.

Op please don't doubt your relationship with your mum, it's healthy, your partner is planting seeds of doubt don't let her,
She laughed when you mentioned controlling behaviour of course she did !!,
So you start taking back some control here, does she txt when at work to see were you are or what plans you have , if so just reply, seeing my mum , see you later, leave it there, you have to take your power back,
When mat leave is over what child care is in place op??,
And the conversation about the home, so what let her say whatever, you will fight for what's rightly yours anyway,
Never allow her to ruin your relationships mum/ friends, but deep down you know she's wrong and is abusing your relationship, she won't stop you have to stop the cycle op, the the comments she made was about her personality not yours , she reflecting her nasty abusive ways on you

It would be interesting to see the replies if the OP were a man and not a women. A lot of Mumsnetters think that any man who is close to their Mum is ‘enmeshed’ but the same principle doesn’t seem to apply to women. I’m really close to my Mum and there is no way I’d let anyone tell me when I see her.