Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

This is so wrong. Your partner sounds incredibly manipulative and selfish. Your mum isn't a danger she's a support. I'd tell your partner that this is irrational and that she needs therapy. It sounds like you're scared of her though. Is she going to react like this with your friends. I'd prepare for things to worsen and I'd prepare to leave.

This is such a hard situation, you are a new mum and trying to navigate this new world, but she is clearly struggling in some other way. I think with hetero relationships the dad very much understands their role and the fact they haven't given birth. But your Mrs seems to be struggling in her own way. Could she be resorting to this behaviour because she's worried that "bio" people (I use this term only as the best descriptor) will have a better bond than herself? My wife worried a little about this in the very beginning. She could be trying to limit babys contact with family in fear of not having the same type of relationship? I mean as much as there might be a reason, it's still no excuse to force you to isolate yourself during a really really hard time! I don't know what to suggest if you've already tried talking to her about it all. This would be a deal breaker for me unfortunately, its true when they say it takes a village, she needs to loosen the riens !

And yet the man would be called a ‘mummy’s boy’

@Mamofboys5972 im not even the bio mother - she is - it was reciprocal so I carried our son. So id struggle to see if that was an issue as surely it would be me who feels inferior or somewhat disconnected as ultimately I am the basket but the biological connection is not with me.

Is she jealous of your relationship with the baby & punishing you by taking it out on your mum?

What is the parenting like when you are both together, do you care for the baby equally? Do you feel happy spending time together as a family or are you walking on egg shells in case the baby shows a preference for you?

she’s a very pleasant well spoken individual so to the outsiders eye it’s very uncharacteristic and you wouldn’t put anything i am describing alongside the individual.

This is yet another abuser tactic.

To present a pleasant reasonable front to the world so everyone believes it, without realising this is the mask they cleverly wear outside, when inside it drops.

You and your mum know the real person behind it.

And soon, your child will, too.

The fact that everyone else believes the act further isolates you and can make you doubt yourself, even your own sanity.

Number one in the list of coercive controlling behaviour?

'Isolating you from friends and family'

And then

'Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see'.

Please read this article:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Abusers indeed can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

Aww well then there is no reasonable explanation at all! We couldn't afford reciprocal so our kids are all mine but that doesn't impact my wife at all. She has no right to put you through all of this !

@Shelby2010 i try to let her take a lead as it’s her days off and I want to maximise her time with him. We do things together but it’s always feeling tarnished by a sense of fakery - even from my perspective- just feels like we are playing happy families for a day and overlooking the deep unhappiness that stares me in the face every second of the day.

Did this all suddenly appear since you had your son, or has it been creeping up for a while and you can only just see it?

As everyone has said, this is abuse, and you need to end the relationship, though I realise that's not that easy with a young baby.

Your last message - this is getting complicated.

Does she regret that she didn't carry the baby herself?

Is this all a way to try to control more about a situation she agreed to - but wishes now she had had the baby herself?

These are complicated 21st century issues and I'm starting to think what she actually needs is psychiatric help.

@Bumblebeestiltskin id say it’s amplified since being pregnant and mum moving and then just erupted into turmoil since he’s been born, but it wasn’t all roses before but not really out of the ordinary of every relationship - but so I think! Of which I’m questioning all now

No one will tell me who I can and cannot see.

its not your problem her family live further away and don’t make much of an effort. She sounds jealous that your mum wants to spend time with you and that you are on mat leave and she’s working. Your partner needs to work on her jealousy and insecurities before she loses you.

id be setting boundaries and if things didn’t improve I’d leave, no way would I bring a child up in a controlling relationship.

Even if your abusive partner was open to therapy which is she not given she is abusive, she would need years of it. What if anything do you know about her childhood because that often gives clues.

Your child and you cannot afford to hang around waiting for her to have some epiphany that will never happen. She is never going to admit any responsibility for her actions. Your son is in turn being abused by her because you as her mother are being abused. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Pregnancy and or birth are often flashpoints for abusers to further ramp up the power and control against their target, in this case you. I also think she targeted you deliberately to abuse. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by poor relationships and or life experiences, are being further eroded by your abuser now.

@Nay1990 please find a therapist of your own asap. don’t tell your partner if she will block it or cause issues.

Your partner refusing counselling then throwing in statements about things that ‘must be said’ when you insist you are going is almost threatening (emotionally).

this isn’t healthy behaviour on your partners part and she can’t or won’t communicate or empathise with you. She’s unwilling to see how you are struggling or feeling. She’s not letting you be fully supported.

If this was a friend telling you this situation - what would you advise them?

If you ASK if it’s ok for your mum to see you and her dgc at a baby group you get given a hard time from your partner????
Abnormal behaviour. Either she needs therapy for her anxiety around how she thinks the baby will respond to her and sees your mum as competition or she needs to go tbh.
The more you bend to her weird controlling wishes, the more you will have to bend to retain the status quo.

I think you need to sit down and really think if this is what you want from your life and have a very clear conversation with your partner that this stops now and you both receive counselling or you leave.

This is abusive and life is too short

OPs partner has dismissed therapy and unsurprisingly has issues re therapists generally.

Abusers will also not take kindly to being told by their target to stop. The time for conversations has long since passed as the abuser is not open to any form of reasoned discussion. OP needs to plan her exit from her abuser carefully.

Is your partner jealous because your mum is biologically related to the baby and they are not? (Not that this would excuse their behaviour!)

You don't need her permission or approval to seek some individual therapy for yourself.

Unfortunately, she sounds abusive and couples counselling with an abuser is never recommended.

What would she say/do if you told her that you didn't want her parents in your home? I doubt that she would be OK with that. I assume that even if you put your foot down and insisted on your mum being able to visit, your partner would make the visit really uncomfortable.

I think you should leave this relationship. As the primary carer and legal parent you would get at least 50/50 care of your baby.

@Ophy83 they aren’t - it was reciprocal ivf so I carried our baby but biologically it’s hers so it’s me and my family who aren’t related to the child

Your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive and will not be a good parent. You need an escape plan. This isn't healthy for you or your baby.

OP has given birth and is on maternity leave. Do you think that her partner is justified in telling her that OP's mum isn't allowed to come to their home? OP is even afraid to visit her mum with the baby.

There is no direct comparison as fathers don't give birth, but if a dad was on paternity leave while his wife worked and his wife told him that his mum wasn't allowed to visit, she would be called controlling and unfair.

Ugh. On a basic level this woman is dictating your relationship with your family. What on earth gives her the right to do that?!
Who does that??
Ask yourself. It is not reasonable behaviour by any stretch. What is wrong with her?