Partner causing issues with my mum and baby

[Nay1990]

My partner has a huge issue with my mum seeing our baby, they refer to feeling the child will think of them as their parent instead. They give me a hard time if I even go for a walk with my mum too often just for some adult company for myself even if baby is sleeping. My parent moved nearer to me recently for their own reasons but we are not a “drop by” family so there are no unexpected visits etc and my partner states they feel infantiled by this. My mum has not come over in months we wouldn’t feel welcome and my partner has never once even been to my parents new house in the year they have now lived there. Mum isn’t allowed to even a one off baby group with me for ease of the after plans of seeing her anyway as my partner was not happy about this. But not matter how I try to converse it’s always me that’s the issue and I don’t understand my partner or I minimise them apparently by verbalising I feel it’s really unfair and odd. I feel like I’m acting as if I’m having an affair - mums messages on silent so they don’t come through when I’m with my partner so as not to piss them off. I probably see my mum 2 times a week for an hour walk and I’m told I’m codependent by my partner - but it’s only as I’m on mat leave at present and not at work. I really don’t know anymore whether it’s me that’s the problem but I just watch all the other mums with grandparents around and feel this can’t be right. I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m no angel in this and have flung a fair few insults out of frustration and upset but this is all just becoming too much and nothing I do or say helps - looking for external non biased advice

The sex of your partner may be hugely relevant in this situation. Does your partner have legal ties to your baby?

if the child is legally only yours, your partner may feel especially vulnerable. It’s an incredibly precarious position to be in, feeling like a parent to a child but being no legal ties. If there are none, will you be formalizing them soon?

Im not trying to excuse your partner’s behavior in keeping you isolated from family. You need a support system. It’s just that if this is the mother of your child, you may want to also understand how she is feeling.

Your mum also has a right to see her grandchild.

I'm afraid you're in a horrible controlling relationship.

I'd tell her she agrees to see a couple's therapist of your choosing, as soon as possible, or you will have to separate.

Imagine what your child’s life is going to be like growing up like this.

It’s controlling and your DP belittles you.

Put in stronger boundaries say you don’t want to discuss it anymore and see how your DP reacts.

You can’t live on eggshells for the rest of your life.

@Ponderingwindow both equally legal. I’m sure in a battle I’d actually be worse off - not that I want one, as I was the carrying mother but biological the child is here so I’m sure in a court of law that probably means more. But from paperwork perspective we are 50/50.

Start behaviing normally and relaxed about seeing your mother. Do not tolerate your DP feeling jealous and upset.
Completely ignore, dismiss, and invite your Mum to visit.
She is being ridiculous.

Get DP used to the fact that your mother is your mother for life. You will not change that part of your personality.

If she can't cope with that, tell her to seek her own professional counselling.

Your partner is behaving horribly. She is jealous of your relationship with your mum so wants to ruin it. It’s abusive. No one rational would behave like that. I couldn’t live with someone like that. The fact you are giving in to her demands is worrying. How is this going to play out in the long term. Is your child going to be banned from hanging out with their granny. I feel really sorry for your mum too.

You are the dc’s birth mother, that counts just as much as being the biological mother.

I think you need to get some legal advice for your own piece of mind though.
And see your mother. Do not allow your partner’s abusive behaviour to ruin your relationship with your dm.

It sounds like your partner is trying to isolate you due to her insecurity.

if you are mat leave you need adult company! And saying you can’t have baby with you when you visit your mum is essentially banning you from seeing your mum.

babies know who they love and who are their care givers. A baby doesn’t suddenly think their grandmother is their mother due to occasional proximity.

that’s is ridiculous

If you're equally legal, you're equally legal. Otherwise the father of a baby conceived using a donor egg would be considered more legally the parent than the mother.

A court would look at what is in the best interests of the child. Are you breastfeeding? If you're the one who gave birth and have taken maternity leave then you are the primary caregiver at the moment and it would be more traumatic for your baby to be separated from you than to be separated from your partner.

It's really concerning that even when you're on maternity leave and your partner is presumably at work, you don't feel able to just do what you want and see who you want during the day for fear of repercussions. It's not normal for her to make you feel this intimidated.

No don’t do this. Counselling is not recommended in situations where there is abuse.

I see.

I don't think the OP recognises this as abuse yet.

Stop asking permission. See your mum twice a week. You need to be somewhere where you can speak freely with a clear head.

go to counselling alone. She has already worn down your confidence and self assurance.

Individual counselling would be a good idea, but not joint.

Is she working whilst you're off on maternity leave? Maybe she feels as though your mum spends more time with the baby than her?

Sounds very strange to me and that there must be a backstory to this. Has there ever been previous issues with your mum?

I would genuinely leave my partner over this.

Honestly not that I am aware of ! There have been instances when she’s stayed when we have been away for pet care and done things like clean the bathroom which I’ve perceived as a helpful mum thing but my partner has found to be infantiling her and interfering, but genuinely my mum has never done anything, the issue has amplified since my mum moved closer - was a 20 min drive away and now a 15 min walk away, my partner feels this is unreasonable - despite in the looking process being the one to send them local houses on the internet etc. it’s my partner who has shut my mum out and stopped talking to her but it’s my partner who says it’s up to my mum to speak to her if she wants to be looking after the baby as she doesn’t “trust her”. He’s nearly 6 months old and never been cared for by anyone but me or her - not by my choice. I just can’t make sense of it, but maybe that’s because it’s non sensical

@applegrumbling i suggested this when she refused couples but then on that basis told me she would sort couples as there were “things I needed to hear”. I always felt couples would be better as surely I need to understand her side of things too and not just my own, why is it that you would say not to have couples out of interest? As surely a counsellor who is a professional would be able to ensure communication between both Parties was appropriate? TIA

Sorry, I wasn’t very clear - I actually meant individual counselling might be a good idea for you, as it would give you some space to figure this out.

The reason I’ve said not couples counselling is because that really isn’t recommended when there’s abuse in a relationship, and I’m sorry, but what you are describing is abuse.

@mumnet87 yes she is, but shifts, and I always make sure where I can that I maximise when I’m around so she sees him, the irony is my mum doesn’t see him much. If she does it’s on a walk in a pram usually asleep as I wouldn’t feel it’s worth it to go over there for quality time and definitely not invite her over as the backlash of an argument is not worth it. I’m out of steam.

She doesn't want your mum to be close to your baby because her mums is not able to be. Can you go for some sort of counselling to work through this. A professional independent party can help with this.

Yes I agree. @Nay1990 does your partner have parental responsibility or is it in the works?. That may help the situation

She is isolating you from your family. So that she is all you have. And also so that you don't have anyone to discuss the relationship with. It makes her feel stronger that you are trapped in the relationship and it makes it easier to manipulate you if you have noone to tell you that you're not doing anything wrong. Abuse often ramps up after pregnancy. I believe legally you are just as much acmother as your partner. Don't feel trapped in the relationship because of that. Keep evidence of texts to you etc. Make sure you always feel confident enough to reach out for help. And if the abuse ramps up again, be sure to call the police. So it is documented. The best thing you can do for your baby is leave the relationship as it is abusive.

@femfemlicious i have asked on more occasions that I could even count. She’s very very reluctant for counselling, thinks it’s all BS and that counsellors in her experience have just been invalidating, minimising of her emotion or blaming. So I’ve not got far with that.
I genuinely feel that the irony of the whole thing is that she’s calling my relationship with my mum over dependant etc and has an issue with it but I feel it all stems back to her own parental issues. But I can’t say that because it’s rejected and just causes more issues when I’ve suggested counselling for her own past.

@femfemlicious equal parental rights anyway

Then I see mo hope for this. This situation is untenable. I would seriously consider breaking up. She refuses to do anything to solve the issues and just expects you to avoid your own mother.