Found condoms...I have had Mirena for 11 + years

[noideaoffuturenow]

So...I've had a Mirena in situ for 11+ years. Cleaning today-opened a random, unused cupboard (up v high & hard to reach) in the laundry room. Found a box..in it were a few of DH unworn Christmas jumpers, a tin of receipts and random objects inc a paper bag of 8 Skyn black packet condoms. UB 10/2026. Never ever known DH to use these even when we did use condoms. Many years ago....
Feel sick to my stomach.
What would you think?

I think the SN might be serial number? As you have mentioned a long number there.

You are one man, you are not all men. I asked a large amount.
Resorting to petty insults just makes you look childish.

I despair. If he is cheating why are we never enough for them?

He is basically single. He couldn't be more detached and hands-off if you were actually separated or divorced.

You parent 4 children single-handedly while working in a professional role and caring for his elderly parents. You have been an amazing wife and mother while he is a selfish disappointment. Infidelity is just one more shitty thing that he has done.

Thanks for your reply Redruby-I haven't been in that cupboard for a long time. The jumpers in the box I'm pretty sure were a Christmas presents from last year (2023) with labels still attached. There was a silver tin, with an old watch, swimming goggles, receipts and the white bag of condoms..it looks like the whole lot had been lifted from his wardrobe. And I do know that last year (2023) for the first time I used his side of the wardrobe to stash C'mas presents. Maybe that's why he realised the stuff needed to move? Don't know...

Don't know how I'll manage to not speak to him about it. Kind of feel I need to get it sorted while I'm off. He is coming back tonight but will leave again in the next day or two. I think I want to keep to to myself for a bit to process it all. I think that has really helped. It's only when I come on here and really analyse things that my stomach starts to churn.....

Yes -I think the long number is the serial number. But that suggests manufactured in 2021? If so-why is the expiry 2026? They're Skyns original, no spermicide and should therefore only be ok for 3 years. Which I think is importance as the more recent they are, the less likely there's a valid reason for him having them......

Second family would explain a lot.

That's it Mindutopia-there's a reason my gut feeling is that there's something off about all of this. The other ones under the bed-I recognise those. They're ancient. No issues with them at all. But something about this pack of Skyns is different and not right, unfortunately. They're making me feel sick. I fear there is no valid explanation....

SaturdayGiraffe-jeez; he hates 'family life' with one family.....not sure why he'd have a second!!!😝

You have to talk to him, ask him directly and watch his face when he answers you.

As a man who has experience masturbating and talking to fellow men about their masturbation habits (as you do when you're pissing about with your mates) I can assure you that no man is routinely wrapping up their Johnson for a solo session.

1: It's hardly condusive to a spontaneous wank, I don't want to have to think about putting a condom on when I start feeliing a little tingle in my pants when i'm alone, I just want to get the job done and wipe it on a tissue.

2: I don't always have access to a condom, it's unlikley i'm going to abstain from having one until I can get hold of some.

3: What kind of stupid expensive habit is that anyway? I get 10 wanks out of a 15 quid box, that's almost as bad as having a smoking addiction. I can wank for free, thanks.

None of his behaviour is acceptable. You should be a partnership. Honestly I think the condoms are the least of your problems. You sound like a saint. Do you even love him at this point? Doesn’t sound like your life would be much different if you divorced other than giving you peace of mind.

TheParis...yep; I've told myself that many a time. I'd actually have more free time if we were separated and he took the kids occasionally. And I'd have none of the simmering anger and resentment I feel so much of. But I worry about the damage the separation process would cause the kids.....I'm pretty sure we'd be better off afterwards, but there are always exams/trips/competitions I don't want to jeopardise. I don't want to worry my own family-my dad is unwell; I worry about how my mum would cope.
As for the kids; I'm pretty sure they'd hardly ever choose to go to him even if he lived nearby TBH. The five of us are a great team and they know they can rely on me. Not the case with him at all....he lets us all down with his terrible timekeeping/forgetting things and general lacksadaisy attitude.

OP, you sound like a superwoman with Trojan strength and powers!

If you have managed 4 kids, all that study and professional development , a job, care for parents and running a household with no teamwork or partnership - you can do ANYTHING!

This is your strength going forward.

It is interesting that your Dc has noticed and comments on his detachment from family. and good that they question this. But for the younger ones - does it model a good healthy relationship?

You say he is generous, but you don't actually know that - what he transfers could be a tiny amount of his income.

He could actually have a parallel family elsewhere. This happened to 2 of my friends.

Whatever is going on, his treatment of you and the family makes me really angry. How DARE he let you be enough of a partner that you care for his parents but not even tell you about insurance for the house you live in? Or your joint family income? He doesn't deign to give you the information to know for yourself whether your family is protected (life insurance), your home at risk etc.

I hope you are on the house Deeds? Are you on the mortgage?

Gather your IMMENSE strength, gather your info.

Is he registered as the director of his company? Check him out on Companies House and look at the accounts.
Check your house on the Land Registry - make sure he has not put a charge on it for re-mortgaging and that your name is there as a co-owner.
Work out how much equity there is on the house. If you are on the mortgage you can approach the company directly - get statements sent direct to you.
Scour the internet for his name, company name, people he works with - see how much they are charging, scale of jobs.
Talk to a solicitor about how much you would be eligible for in a divorce - tricky because obviously he will be highly secretive about his savings, pension, value of his business etc.

The leave him,. He is a total bastard. IMO.

But you - you are strong, resourceful and of generous spirit.

he hates family life

This is so sad to read. I'm glad to read below that you and the kids are a great team and love and enjoy each other. It's his loss (although it is your heartbreak). Wishing you the best!

Ochre-that is it in a nutshell. He makes decisions without me, he does his own thing. I don't feel we are partners...
He'll immediately blame my lack of physical affection/intimacy for him being unfaithful if he ever admits to anything. But a lack of him showing cup apart from when he wants sex is what has turned me off sex/intimacy in the first place. I can't admire or respect him. I'm more often angry with him, or rolling my eyes inwardly at how rubbish he is at the small things-learned helplessness. If he knows I think he'll do a crap job, he knows I'll do it. So he doesn't bother. Partly my own fault, maybe for not just stepping back....

Free yourself OP. You deserve it.

Carrie-thanks you for such good advice. This is why I think I need to play the long game. Knowledge is power. Our finances are not straightforward -my name is on deeds for other properties which belonged to his parents. I'm named in the company and I don't really understand any of it. It's a bit messy which has always been his reason for not letting me have more control. And TBF-I've done nothing about this-I've always put it on the long finger, found it too daunting. My own fault. But now that I've completed studying I'll stop being an ostrich and spend time trying to research it.

My biggest worry is how our relationship has influenced our children. I feel it's too late for the older two and I'm sad about that. But there's time for the younger ones to see me as a good role model and not to put up with any more crap. It's motivating me to make changes.

MyKingdom; good point. I think because he often lives out of a bag. Doesn't unpack until it needs washed for next trip type thing. His office is in a separate part of the house. I'm thinking these have been in a bag following a trip and secreted here.

Time for an exit plan Op
The relationship is dead in the water
As another poster suggested free yourself .
In the long term you will be happier , trust me

You can tell if they were bought recently, or not, by the bb date!
I found condoms, a long time ago now, but knew these were from our courting days by the bb date! I threw them out and we had a joke about my DH’s hoarding tendencies.

As far as I know the ones without spermicide have a longer use by date - generally about 5 years. Those with spermicide have a use by date of around 3 years. Therefore any with a BBF date of 2026 were likely manufactured around 2021.

Men sometimes, most times, actually , don’t think and mostly assume they are smarter than they really are.

OP. You sound like me. I put something similar on hear years ago. You are trying to think of every reasons why they might be there. The reality is it is probably the obvious but when you don't want to face something your brain lets you run riot with other possibilities. Even though loads of people told me it was probably an affair my brain did not want to acknowledge it and I found every excuse possible like you are.

They are from an std clinic. He put them there . May not be a recent affair but chances are he has forgot about them if not recent. Chaos or not. I would be in that office.
The fact he is using work as an excuse is a classic. Sorry OP if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck then it probably is. The silly thing is once you know you may feel traumatized initially but it's also a relief knowing.

I mentioned something similar before, but tell him you're having a clear out of those cupboards this week and if he can have a quick look in the cupboard with his stuff in before he goes, it'll save you doing it. See if they disappear!

If you can hold yourself together and really think he's up to something, then try and find out what you can about the finances while he's away, and gather any possible evidence (if those condoms are his, then this is one time I'd go through his things). Then it might be worth getting legal advice.