Found condoms...I have had Mirena for 11 + years

[noideaoffuturenow]

So...I've had a Mirena in situ for 11+ years. Cleaning today-opened a random, unused cupboard (up v high & hard to reach) in the laundry room. Found a box..in it were a few of DH unworn Christmas jumpers, a tin of receipts and random objects inc a paper bag of 8 Skyn black packet condoms. UB 10/2026. Never ever known DH to use these even when we did use condoms. Many years ago....
Feel sick to my stomach.
What would you think?

Good luck OP. Seen you recent updates. You sound like you know what you are doing. I swear you are married to my ex husband.
All the best and it sounds like there needs to be changes in the marriage either way and this could be the thing that acts as a catalyst for change (or to end it).

I mentioned something similar before, but tell him you're having a clear out of those cupboards this week and if he can have a quick look in the cupboard with his stuff in before he goes, it'll save you doing it. See if they disappear.

That's a good idea.

All you are doing by staying with him is showing your kids this is what a marriage looks like. By walking away you show them not to accept such poor treatment.

He gets the status of a married man with a family at home yet gets to do whatever and whoever he likes. Don’t let him get away with it. Let him live in his choices when he is on his own with very little family visiting. He won’t look like such a catch to any other woman then. And you will be free of the resentment.

See a solicitor and figure out the information you need before you tell him. Forget the condoms, an affair makes no difference in a divorce and he will only deny and distract you if you bring it up.

Think about the relationship:

Do you like him?

Do you love him?

Do you enjoy his company, have fun together?

Do you respect him?

And the other way round?

Think about the finances:

OK. You've mentioned the financial imbalance and your lack of understanding. That needs to change.

While he's away, unearth and copy all the financial / household / bills / savings / properties etc info you can.

You need financial advice.

And you need legal advice.

Learning about your situation is a step to building confidence and independent control over it.

I'm sorry I have nothing too useful to contribute, but I bought some of those Skyns condoms in December 2024 - I've just checked the BB date and it's May 2029. Not sure if that helps figure out likely purchase date.

Why on earth are you married to this man? After your update the condoms seem like a side issue.

It's the boiling frog again, isn't it? You minimise one thing, you dismiss another, you overlook a third and then something happens, you write it all down and suddenly it hits you round the chops just how bad it really is.

My advice would be to be gentle on yourself for a while. You've had a massive shock, and need to look after yourself a bit. You also don't need to make any decisions straightaway. Give yourself some time to let all the thoughts and emotions come and go, and the way forward will become clear. You know to trust your gut - let it lead you.

Bless you, my love, it sounds awful.

It reads like the condoms are the last straw. The final cut after a thousand cuts. Tip of the iceberg. All the clichés.

He just wouldn't be the first. Hopefully not though.

You'll either have to ask him and scrutinise his reaction (is he a good liar?) or watch him for a bit, sly check of the phone etc. If he isn't protective of his phone, I'd be surprised if he's playing away.

@noideaoffuturenow you make sure that if you are splitting up that you go for at least half of everything! your house, the business, all properties that your name is on, absolutely everything! get into the office and go through it with a fine toothcomb!

@noideaoffuturenow even if he's not cheating it sounds like your marriage isn't great. You're living like a lone parent and deserve better. I'd be reconsidering my future.

This.

They wouldn’t hide things like this in a laundry cupboard.

Before you do an anything else @noideaoffuturenow gather as much evidence of all financial, property and other legal information you can find right now. Worry about condoms later - once he knows you’re on to him he could start hiding / disposing of assets, hiding his income to minimise Child Maintenance claim etc. While he’s unaware you can start gathering by stealth. Get any evidence of tax returns, bank statement, properties or other large assets, will, life insurance etc. company statements. Take copies of everything and get them out of the house and stored somewhere safe. You may
well find evidence of other activity that is far worse than him shagging someone else.

Given his attitude and behaviour towards your marriage, I would suggest this is an essential exercise for you regardless of whether there’s an innocent explanation for the condoms.

You are clearly an incredible woman - an amazing mother, and if you put your mind to this you will go on to thrive without him. Just make sure you’re doing that with every penny and asset you’re entitled to.

You don't need to prove he is unfaithful. (I think that your suspicions are right - of course.)

Divorce doesn't have to be based on fault - or at least you don't need to prove and present that in order to justify the ending of a marriage.

You are unhappy with him and in the sort of marriage this has become. He isn't actually being husband to you or father to the children -despite his title.

You think he is probably unfaithful - even with no more proof. It was a horrible - but not unexpected discovery. Your friends and relations probably think he is unfaithful too. (Your parents especially.)

You are already divorced really - but don't have control of your own finances and so don't really have full power over things for yourself or for the children. His 'generosity' isn't presented as your 'right'... though it should be since his work is part of your partnership.

Non-spermicide SKYN condoms last 5 years. It is those with spermicide that only last 3 years. So a manufacture date of 2021 is entirely consistent with an expiry date of 2026 if they are non-spermicide.

Given what you say about him OP I very much think you should take legal advice and sort out the finances before you confront him. Because given what you say about him I could see him playing very dirty once he knows divorce is on the cards.
I'm so sorry you are going through this but you have already proved yourself a strong and capable woman and you will survive this and be a happier more content person without this excuse for an H that you have had all these years.

Sorry @BigAnne I quoted you by mistake.

A quick google says that the non-spermicide variety last up to five years - spermicidal ones are three years. Don’t know if that helps.

She said he’s very secretive with things like that, won’t even let her have the Netflix password.

Hes not a good partner based on that alone really.

OP - don't beat yourself up about the impact on the kids of his hands-off behaviour: it is really good that the older two have the emotional literacy and sensitivity to know that his behaviour is not right. And it is good that they are able to talk to you about that and express it.

Just make sure that the younger ones come to know that too.

This is why I think I need to play the long game. Knowledge is power
Exactly, whether it takes a week or months get all the papers together, you are strong, it’s DC and your future. Wade through those papers in his office, look in every nook and cranny in the house and photo relevant papers.
Go to the hairdressers’ and think of renewing your wardrobe, you deserve it.

Oh and put those condoms back so he will be non the wiser.

Wishing you strength, luck, and all the right chess moves OP xx

You watch, learn an plan, OP. You don't have to make a decision right now, but once your eyes are open, you'll probably find yourself planning ahead anyway.

My therapist told me, just picture where you want to be in 5 years time, don't worry about how to get there.

And your dcs will be fine. I was in a similar position, in that it was me and the dcs, and my ex had totally avoided family life. I actually found my day to day life didn't change, other than physically moving house, and my dcs were fine. I was so scared about upsetting them, it delayed me by around a year, but they were absolutely fine.

OP , I'm unsure as to why you're going to such lengths to work out when the condoms were usable ~ does this mean you would stay with him if he hasn't been cheating ?

I think the sheer amount of other selfish things you've mentioned towards both you and your children outweigh any cheating .