Thanks for all the replies....no sleep last night but stayed off here as I was trying hard to do so. I'm on AL and absolutely gutted it's been ruined by this discovery; I have things I need to do so trying to stay calm and get them done & stay stoic for the kids. I feel calm this morning. I've come through the bedroom & I will go up to his office.
Reading through all these answers does tell me my instincts are probably correct. I've always been aware with his lifestyle my husband could easily cheat. My sisters and friends have always been a bit critical of how accepting and relaxed I am about it TBH. Excuse the long post but I'm trying to clarify lots of things in my own head.....and writing them here helps.
In answer to questions; we have 4 DC. The eldest DD is 19, our only only DS is 11. Condoms are definitely not a kids stash or C'mas present. DH works for himself. He is away a lot and not particularly good at being in touch when he is. I've got used to having to be completely independent of him and run a tight ship at home so I can manage.
I guess one of the reasons I was instantly suspicious was where and when the condoms been stashed where I found them; he did a big bedroom clearout recently, so I'm assuming that stuff was moved to that spot fairly recently. And they were kept-why????
Also-they're fairly recently acquired judging by the BB date.
Today when I looked through all the bedroom cupboards/drawers/bags I did find an old pack of Durex in a bag under the bed. When we did use condoms Durex is what he'd always have used in the past-UB date was 2017. No gut punch there. I know they're old ones we had used together. The gut instinct I felt when finding the others is telling in comparison-I'm a big believer in trusting my gut. at the receipts that were in the box along with the condoms-nothing exciting. I never know who he's with or exactly where he is anyway. I don't ask, I don't remember if he tells me. The teams change.
I've always found his secrecy and 'independence' from us irritating and suspicious and we have argues a lot about it. I feel he has a life apart from us, whereas I'm completely tied to home/family. My older two DDs question it now that they're old enough to recognise it. I feel it's extreme TBH; he refuses to share his location, he won't subscribe to family apps like Family Wall. Despite the fact that it's his timetable and us not knowing that creates most of the issues. And I have been trying for years to make family life easier, so we have tried lots of different tacks-he has always been passive and not participated.
His phone is always glued to his side-even in bed- and he's on it A LOT. I have never been allowed to use it/look at it & nor have the kids; I probably have never really asked TBH, but I definitely feel it's 'guarded'. I feel he's permanently detached from the rest of us even when he's here. He lies on in bed until 8/9 every morning-has always left the morning routine to me. I'm rambling now but I guess I'm trying to illustrate that I've always felt it's me and the DC as part of a team and that he dips in and out when it suits him. He won't commit to holidays or trips until the last minute-which I feel robs us of an opportunity to look forward to eg holidays/days out/nights out. We don't really socialise. I see my friends when I can (rarely as I'm always with the kids).
He works away a lot-nationally and abroad. He changes plans at the last minute, staying away longer or delaying planned trips. He does work outdoors with teams of other ppl though, so he's always had a plausible excuse. But I have been resentful of his lack of family participation for many years and it's part of why our relationship is strained.
He keeps himself separate from my family; his family all live abroad. And I was v involved in looking after hs elderly parents before they passed away. They moved to be near us when they got older. I was v close to his parents and siblings, until more recently when I've realised t's me doing all the leg work of staying in touch and it was just adding to my 'to do' list. He has never been good at maintaining contact. Until v recently he has not participated in any of the DC sports/school stuff-leaving all of that to me. I have stepped back and told him that he must participate-we have had 2 big episodes in the recent past where divorce was mentioned and he knows he's on thin ice, so I do gfeel he has tried on & off. But it's the lack of reliability I guess which persists; he only does stuff when it suits him. And I won't let the kids down so I just step back up again.
Financially-we have separate accounts. I work, but I have reduced my hours to allow him more freedom to travel with his work (oh the irony). He controls all of the household bills. And refuses to share info re home insurance/life insurance-well he puts it off telling me he can't find the documents. I have asked for involvement, suggested a joint account we pay all of those things out of, but he's brushed it off many times and instead puts ££ into my account monthly to help with kids' fees/groceries/fuel etc. He is generous.
I do feel some of this background stuff is my own fault; I know I should have been stronger about sorting our finances. I should have been stronger about making him be more present and involved. But having 4 DC, a very busy professional job (I've recently completed 2 post grads inc a very challenging professional MSc and moved up 2 pay grades in my own role), his elderly parents and now mine- life has been chaos for years. We also have a SN child who has demanded a lot of extra input, had a long diagnostic process and it's pretty much all been down to me.
So....what this boils down to; I genuinely can't hand on heart remember the last time we needed condoms. Between coils-maybe during Covid? 5 years ago now....not sure the dates would tally. I do vaguely remember asking if we had some and he said no. Maybe he then got some??? I don't know. I think the larger issue here is the long term lack of happiness and my gut feeling that there's a problem with trust. Whether there's a reasonable reason for the condoms (???) or not, it is probably the last straw. Decisions need to be made.
Thank you for reading....it feels good to be able to organise my thoughts. I really don't want to burden my friends or sisters and nor do I want to anyone else to now yet/colour my feelings. I do value objective opinions, though. Fire away.