Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

I really feel for you OP. I was resentful over the no help with nights, feeding, food, shopping, bath and bed times. He did always want to spend with us as a family though. He didn't lighten the load with the chore side of things, but we spent weekends together as a family so our trips out weren't on me alone. I didn't have all of the mental load of child wrangling. And it was nice to have him want to be with us.

If he's still avoiding after you've tried to explain to him then I don't know what you can do. My H eventually did realise he needed to step up more with the kids day to day, but that was after getting through the early years. Lock down actually helped as well because he saw how demanding it was to have them constantly. But it's not like you can enforce lock down so that your H can't look away.

As other poters have asked, does he know that his actions/inactions could cost him his marriage?

I wish I could offer something helpful.

@arealliveknight my kids are young adults now, but I had almost identical issues to you when they were babies.
He probably does more than his fair share now, but I have never forgiven him. I actually hate him for it. I am getting my ducks in row as they say on mumsnet…

I feel your pain. My DH is like this too. The problem is I sound unreasonable when the other things he’s doing are working or doing chores around the house. And these things need doing as things do otherwise start to fall apart. It doesn’t stop me feeling drained and alone though. I also often feel that other families all seem to do things together at weekends and that I would be better off if we were separated and he had to take on more of the load. Financially it’s just not an option though.

@Rachel2709 that’s exactly where I’m at. If I try to object I just get told how important / essential the task is.

Have you told him now close to leaving you are? It might shock him into listening to you - or perhaps some therapy so you try and come to a more equitable partnership? I think I’d want to do that before throwing the towel in x

The problem is I’m not. I am emotionally but not practically. I do feel very stuck.

Why do you think he'll do this? There's no guarantees he'll step up and take both his children for an hour, a day, an overnight if you leave.

Sorry you feel this way - apologies I haven’t read the whole thread but really do understand what you’re going through - my experience was slightly different in that my husband worked shifts that included the weekend.
He could never understand the ‘pain’ of popping to get a pint of milk with 2 under 5’s and used to get shirty when I asked him to stop off at the garage on the way home after a 12 hour shift as I didn’t have the energy to do it!
most weekends he worked and I basically was a single mum - like you, I always took the kids out every day to let them run off steam as they were then easier 🤣 I basically had a single pass to the local farm which had a soft play area that I visited every other day…
I also worked p/t as a teacher and used to love my work days as I could drink a cup of coffee without hearing “mum” all the time!
My friends (I think) used to think I was a bad parent as I’d ignore the kids for 30 minutes at a time - so they had to make their own entertainment… I used to sweep the area to make sure there was nothing dangerous around and then put the stair gate up so they couldn’t get out whilst I did things in the kitchen … for me that was my sanity … but it did mean that they learnt to entertain themselves…
20 years later, they haven’t shown any trauma to this style of parenting but I appreciate it is hard!
We had no family locally and I used to be resentful that I never had any time at home without anyone else around … and was v jealous of friends who co-parented with their ex’s because at least they got a break!
As previous posters have said, your DH may feel that by doing these jobs he is caring for you .. and deep down you know it’s true but … when you just want a break it’s so hard to accept this as you just want to scream at them “what about me!”.
I really hope that you manage to work things out … it does get easier when both of them are at school but again, you’ll probably have to carry the load of after school clubs etc!
DH and I have come out the other side with the kids and now I have the same issues over the bloody dog 🐶 I have to adjust my hours to make sure he’s not alone too long 🙄

It is absolutely not better for your DC, for whom you are the main parent, if you are demoralized, burned out, resentful, and living in a home where your own needs are discarded and you are not able to negotiate about how your days are organized as an equal. NOT better for them at all.

Bless you OP you sound bloody knackered.

Can you take a sick day from work and catch up on some rest on a day the children are in nursery? Set aside some time for jobs if you absolutely must, but make your main priority to just rest and try and get a little of your mojo back.

Is your DD old enough to be engaged by tv? If so, do the same on a day they're home with you. Mummy is poorly, she needs to rest this afternoon. Get snacks, curl up on the sofa, rest for as long as they'll let you.

And if DH asks, tell him you're exhausted and close to breaking point.

You said in your first post that you're not selling him and honestly that was an understatement. He sounds horrible if he's completely unsympathetic to the fact that you're struggling.

Changing anything is really hard, but particularly when someone is actively resisting it. It's like being so ground down by a job that the last thing you have the energy for is job hunting. So based on what you've said so far, maybe step one is just trying to get a little energy back for yourself.

But your children would get quality time with both of you if you split and you would be a happier person without him pulling you

All this is excuses op…you know it…you can go away for weekend or week. Yep, house will be shit hole , which is why a full week is better. You do not clear up their shit on return. You leave it. If necessary walk straight back out with a I’ll return when I have my home to return to back again.
yep he is at fault here. But you are also finding excuses to avoid the risk of doing something differently. Thsts a fear response. And “hope” is NEVER a plan. You’re hoping it’ll get better with magic fairy wands. Hope is a very unhelpful thought process - it stops up doing something were scared of becuase of the unknown.

you have to do something differently. And extreme . Otherwise you’ll be just in same old situation in a year time, but with more and more resentment.

you have to make it more uncomfortable for him to not change then it is for you to continue in status quo.

I cannot believe you are talking about leaving but you can’t possibly take some time away. Nor do you seem able to talk to your husband. Mine might be like yours if I hadn’t told him no fucking way very early on. He wanted to mow the lawn this weekend. I said we do not have time for you to mow the lawn, I don’t want you too. There is too much else to do in the house in our limited time at home. Have you ever been that direct with him? It sounds like you say what have we got on this weekend? He says I’m going to do x y z, you say ok I’ll take the children out to give you space and walk away thinking why can’t you read my mind I’m so miserable. If you took a week away you’d tell him clearly: this is a precursor to separation, and if fhe house is a dump when you get back you will leave again.
maybe you should go to individual counselling to practice saying what you think and how you feel.

Yup. Act, or leave, but don't stay where you are waiting for things to change by magic.

If you did vanish for a day at the weekend a couple of times, @arealliveknight, it might bring home to your dh how much you do, and how much of what you do needs doing every day, unlike hedge trimming etc.

Yes. you can't solve it by vanishing for a day.
But you could make some progress by vanishing for a day regularly. The progress would be in two parts. 1 - you get some of your jobs done and you get a break. 2- your obstinate DH figures out that it sucks for him when you do it, and maybe realizes that it sucks for you that he does it ALL THE TIME.
Neither of these solve the whole problem. Some problems are hard and have more than one step. This could be the first step. But if you really can't/won't, you can't get to where that step might take you.

I can relate also a teacher and I think because of part time hours and the holidays I'm just much more available and therefore the bulk of the day to day house and kids naturally falls to me. My dh is also a good man but my goodness he genuinely does not see or maybe feel the same need to have the house tidied etc. We have recently had to have a really good chat about why I get so overwhelmed with it all and I pointed out that even when I take time to myself I come back to all the jobs that are still waiting for me but with less time to do them. And also explained to him about the crushing mummy guilt because we are all things to everyone and I always feel like I've dropped something. He has massively turned things around just by being more present when he's home and I just appreciate the effort to support me so much. I really hope that a good chat helps you both and I'd also recommend making time away from kids for you as a couple so that it's not coming across as nagging but actually a plea for your partner to step up into a true partnership.

I'm very aware you've said you're done talking but I'd love to know what he'd say if you tried asking him why a new gate/painting the fence/collecting a tractor is more important than his wife?

And also why on earth he doesn't spend more time with the children given he's away all week.

For your own sanity can you organise a class/reading down the pub with a glass of wine/anything that takes you away from them on one evening per week? Preferably the day he comes back from working away as he'll have had lots of lovely uninterrupted sleep.

That one evening might be enough to save your resentment until you make a decision either way about your marriage

Your husband is a lazy arse but you're in the trenches. My advice would be to stick it out for now and leave him when both kids are in school and life is a lot easier. You'll get the same amount of CM but won't have nursery to pay for.

In the meantime, move into the spare room and spend some of the 'divorce lawyer' money you would have found on babysitters for the kids to give you some downtime. Focus on making your life as easy as possible - easy meals, don't bother with his washing, get the shopping delivered, tidy as you go. Get an indoor slide or some indoor soft play pieces for the kids so they can burn energy in the house while you relax with a tea or coffee.

I long ago resolved to make my life as easy as possible and tbh it's paying dividends. Dinner is either leftovers, picnic, beige food or takeaway. Never more than 15 minutes. I don't cook for adults - my main meal of the day is lunch so just have something like salad and cheese for dinner. I tidy a room before we leave it and do upstairs while the kids are in the bath. That's all the cleaning I do. Load of laundry on overnight, hang to dry in the morning, another load on in the morning, hang to dry in the evening while the kids play in the garden. Nursery and school bags are packed ready to go for the next day immediately after we get home from school. We do my son's homework and reading in the car outside school before we've even left the premises so when we come home, there's nothing left to do for school. I'm slowly encouraging the kids to tidy up after themselves but my DC1 is older than yours so it's a bit easier. He's admitted he also likes it when things are tidier so is happy to do a few minutes here and there and is getting into the habit of hanging up his stuff and putting his things away.

We don't do any activities during the weekend, they're all scheduled for the week. At least 2/4 of every weekend is rest time. So if we're busy Saturday afternoon, we might go out Sunday morning but we'll stay home Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon. Kids watch TV, play in the garden, read books and generally mess about. My aim is to do as little as possible and conserve energy, although I do try either to get to the gym or do some exercise at home.

Strangely enough, after I resolved to reduce my workload as much as I possibly could, I started to have a lot more energy and the house has never been tidier.

Honestly, do less. My life was similar to yours except my husband worked evenings and weekends for the first 5 years of parenthood and I worked full time weekdays. It's hard and sometimes feels really shit, but you can't force somebody to enjoy/want to do things. When he wasn't at work it was the same because he doesn't enjoy walks, picnics, days out etc whereas they were my go to on a weekend when I wanted to be out of the house. There was a lot of weekends when we didn't do anything at all and my children aren't any the worse for wear for it

You don’t have the children 24/7. Not even close.

There is a lack of understanding re what the issue is here.

Agree that you are both too separate- these should be family days! Also you say he’s lazy and selfish, Id argue if he’s keeping the garden done etc etc he’s just selfish, looking for ways to get away (as you kind of are you’re just not succeeding, as all of us do when we’re on the hamster wheel of young kids) It’s so hard op but it honestly does get easier. The leaving or not thing at this stage with kids so young should only be about whether you both love each other, want to stay around each other and be a family. I think the two of you need to reconnect. (All just opinions by the way!) Hope it gets easier, young kids are exhausting (but great obviously!!)

I know exactly what you mean, me and DH comment on seeing our neighbour do exactly as your husband is doing. If his wife is working later (she works in a nursery and takes their DD) he's home early, if she's home early he's home late or pissing about in the garden/garage. It's blatantly obvious avoiding doing any of the work of parenting.

I think you need to spell it out to your DH that you're on the verge of ending your marriage if things don't change because you're so exhausted. Either that or you're all moving to a flat with no gardens or garage to maintain so he can pull his weight with the children. Also, he takes over the cooking and meal planning for weekends.

I am struggling to understand what change you want. Do you want DH to take the kids out so you can do jobs, or do you want him to come out with you all and leave the jobs?

If its just sharing the load, could you have some time at home and DC 'help' you both with the jobs. I used to get mine to 'paint' the fence with a bucket of water while I was doing the garden for example, so you're spending time together while getting stuff done.

My ex didn't use to like going out at weekends as he was a home body, whereas like you I did prefer to get the kids out at weekends so we had a similar issue, if I'm reading correctly the issue. I do think you need to talk to DH and make it clear how big a deal this is, but also be clear with him what you're asking, so he can confirm if he is able to accommodate it

I could have written your post about 6 years ago. Exactly the same situation - I was left default parent sorting all the kids stuff while he did important household jobs...jobs that allowed him to potter around his weekend with an audio book and no kids while I was frazzled. My post is probably more in solidarity because while it was solved, it was lockdown that sorted it for me. We were all together all day. I wasn't able to take the kids away for him to do his important tasks. We were forced to spend all time together, and slow the pace of life. We got to see the other person's perspective more- he ended up spending more time with the kids while I worked etc and so he appreciated the challenge. We were better able to prioritise what jobs absolutely needed doing and had to allot time to juggle everything. It made us stronger. After COVID it hasn't gone back to how it was before, in part because kids are now older and less challenging. Although his recent running hobby is starting to spike flashes of the old issues... Good luck!