Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

Can you not see that he would say he is doing both of those things?

He's just not doing them in the way you want him to.

I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's the reality of it.

Can I suggest the next job he "has" to do on a Saturday that you tell him you'll do it, and he does your work for the day. Tell him exactly what you had planned, what the kids need, what tickets are already purchased. I know changing a gate that doesn't need changing feels pointless, but do it anyway. Use YouTube to teach you.

Your words haven't got through to him. He doesn't appreciate why you're moaning.

So show him you're loving your kids by stepping up and doing all those jobs that need to be done, and you're willing to learn to do them.

Leaving him might be the only way to get him to do his share.

The problem can be (and I’ve seen this with a few friends’ marriages) … even when things get less hectic/draining as the kids get older, the damage has been done. That resentment festers. Essentially it’s not an issue of you not being able to communicate what you need, as it sounds like you’ve tried. Repeatedly. It’s an issue that he ignores what you’re saying and doesn’t want to change because (id imagine!) he knows full well that what you’re doing is exhausting and he like his free time thanks very much. I’d have a serious chat. Not threats and ultimatums but just make it clear that you’re not happy and feel that life would be better and easier without him. If he wants to save your marriage then you need some time off and freedom to be a full human person, and not just mum and a maid. If he doesn’t engage then he never will and you’ve got your answer.

Well if it's the case that he doesn't listen then he's clearly an extremely selfish and disrespectful individual and you need to leave. He is deliberately avoiding family life and is telling you he thinks little of you. You're pretty much a single parent now, as it is, so leaving him can only be a step up/forward.

If you

a. Don’t want to have another conversation that won’t change anything
b. Don’t want to do something that might change the behaviour because of the knock on effects

you don’t really have much of a choice but to accept it or move on. If you really can’t accept it, you are better off calling it a day but I don’t know that it will make your life easier. You won’t achieve your goal of family time but you will stop resenting that you aren’t having family time as the expectation is gone.

He will not magically change. He isn’t listening and you don’t want to change your behaviours - this is the only thing within your control.

Well , it may have the desired effect, if you do it a few consecutive weekends, even if it's not the long term solution.
I'm sure your lazy self interested husband may want to at least talk about it pretty damn quick, and that's your opportunity to make some proper ground rules.

Weaponised incompetence and evading his duties as a husband and parent on his part.

Failure to assert boundaries and enforce them on your part.

He isn’t a great dad if he is sitting back and watching his child’s mother running herself into the ground whilst he takes time out for his own needs, doesn’t share the night time wakes and takes the easier child out without the younger child to give mother a break.

He won’t change because although you are complaining, you’re not asserting your boundaries or taking action when he crosses them. Why would he take you seriously when you’ve said the same thing repeatedly but done nothing to change it on your end? You’re going to keep getting the same results if you keep doing the same things.

I would say that first of all, he gets up half the time during the nights when your children wake. They’re his children so why shouldn’t he? If he won’t, you get up, switch the light on, go to your child, bring the child to him and hand him the child. Then you go to another room or the couch and go back to sleep.

Second, he takes half the weekend. So either he takes both out or you all go together.

He does his share of household responsibilities. It’s his house too. He lives there too. He had to maintain it too. Write up a list of all the household chores that have to be done every week. Laminate it. Put it on the fridge. Tick off the ones you’ve done and leave the rest for him. If he hasn’t done it, you can show him everything he’s not done and everything you have. Tell him how much his lack of being a responsible adult is making him unattractive to you. You married a man, not a selfish, lazy boy who appears to think that maintaining a household is women’s work.

Go to marriage counselling to communicate better and individual counselling to learn how to set boundaries and stick to them.

Finally, go out on a Monday night every week by yourself whilst he does dinner, bath and bed routine with both children. If you can manage it solo, so can he. Go for a massage, meet a friend for dinner/coffee, take a fitness class, see a movie, etc. It’s non-negotiable, you’re doing it for your own mental and physical health. If he fights you on it, tell him it’s non-negotiable.

If also he looking to have a session with a lawyer to get your ducks in a row should this not work out.

This is not a partnership. He’s taking advantage of you and it will end up making you sick. Take action now.

AT least OP would have time to her self at her home sometimes when 'D'H has the children every other weekend or whatever.

I think at this point it’s about making your situation better in whatever way you can, like always meeting up with friends when you do take the kids out and leave him doing the fence. Adult conversation with a coffee while kids race each other around the playground makes it more bearable! Maybe also, gently and slowly, introduce things here and there where he has to have both kids for an hour. Nothing dramatic, more like a training course (which I don’t mean to sound infantilising, but it’s hard not to tbh).

I threw a loud, sweary tantrum when baby DD was in bed, and I became a lot less accommodating. PPs who say to think like a man, challenge your female conditioning, make a very good point. It’s not going to get better just because the kids get older.

"I know a lot of posters think the way to solve this problem is to leave for a weekend and honestly it isn’t."

Totally understand that you don't think he is going to have an epiphany, it's not going to teach him a lesson and it's going to leave you with stuff to clean up. Also I agree with PP that you having time off alone is not the missing link in this marriage.

However (please don't bite me head off) consider taking 24h away one weekend just to give your brain a break. It's a technique I used when mine were babies, less than once a year but I honestly think it saved my MH. I have older children with SEN and friends in similar positions and this respite is basically what holds us together! When you are knackered and at the end of your tether you can get kind of frozen - it's very difficult to think things through and make decisions and you end up unable to change things no matter how overwhelming and shit they feel. 24h of no little fingers round your face and no little people's questions and demands could really help your brain and nervous system calm down and take whatever decisions or steps come next proactively and intentionally, not as an emotional reaction to an overwhelming situation. £35 Travelodge, fry up in a cafe. Less than your husband will spend on the next essential tool for his next essential DIY task. You're right, it won't solve everything but it might make more difference to how you see things, what you feel able to control, and your ability to change things, than you expect.

Often reading these posts I come back to "love isn't something you feel, it's something you do". Labelling him thoughtless is no doubt accurate, but it's more helpful to think of what he is doing or not doing, rather than what his personality traits are. And not listening to you or seeing your opinion as important are right at the top of the list of things he is doing wrong.

So the men don’t want to do 50% of the drudge work. It’s so disappointing that we haven’t really achieved equality between the sexes. So what are we going to do about it? Yes, we can leave the relationship, but then we still haven’t achieved equality. We need to somehow 100% commit to taking equality, one way or another. We have become complacent lately with some of the gains we have made. But there it still quite a way to go.

You've talked to him about what's not working, and nothing has changed; but what happens when you have a conversation about planning a weekend together?

DH and I don't generally have this unbalanced issue, but we do often have a quick planning discussion about what we want to do at the weekend as a family, what household tasks need to be done (regular and one off), and anything we need/want for ourselves.

That generally makes a good starting point for planning out who does what and when. And a realistic prioritization of tasks.

What happens if you do this? Does your DH have a clear list of things that he wants to be doing / to get done, or is he coming up with stuff on the fly while pottering in the garage?

Could that be a starting point for getting him to do more of the parenting tasks - and taking both kids out together, so that you can have a break while mowing the lawn/batch cooking without child-wrangling at the same time!

This may be repeating others but a different approach could be on Friday night ask what jobs need doing. If anything is safe ish, announce at wake up on Saturday that Daddy is going to be putting up a shelf today and will need a helper. It's daddy and child bonding, means he doesn't escape being with the children and still these "essential" jobs get done. We started this at about 2 and my 3yr old twins now know how to use a drill etc and love helping.

Going out for the day is exactly what I’m trying to avoid with him so it’s hypocritical. It won’t lead to changes in his behaviour it will make it worse ‘well you vanished last Saturday!’

Honestly, try it as a last resort before divorce. The answer to "well you vanished last Saturday" is - "Yeah, and how did that make you feel?", going out is to give him a flavour of what it's like being you because I don't think he really understands (or if he does understand, then he doesn't care - which is definitely grounds for divorce!).

You're tired, burned out and understandably incredibly frustrated at your husband right now, and this anger is coming across in your posts. I do think the PP that said martyr didn't mean to touch a nerve, but you are at an 'if I don't do it, it won't get done' stage of this frustration - been there, done that - but there's a point you have to let go of those feelings, bite the bullet and do something like go out for the day and leave him to it. It might not be as bad as you think, it might be worse, but if you don't try something different, then you'll be stuck as you are, or you really do need to divorce him.

Honestly I'd consider a trial separation.
I used to travel for work and it was the only time I wasn't the default parent.
What your dh is doing would drive me absolutely completely mad and I'd resent it so much in the end that it might kill my marriage anyway, so a trial separation is probably worth it.

I think your only other option is indeed to take yourself to a library /elsewhere for at least 5 hours one weekend day every week. So what if he says well , you disappeared last Saturday? The non negotiable disappearing is now symmetric and you get your teaching prep done and he takes care of DC. House is bombed? He'll have to sort it. After all when he is fixing the gate, you sort it.

But you are adamant that that won't help.
So, trial separation, or getting therapy to try to manage your own perfectly reasonable thinking to convince yourself to see this some other way? I think trial separation.
What would happen if you showed him this thread?

I suspect you are burnt out with constantly being on alert for your children over the last few years. It's really hard.

I did continue to plough through and stayed. My husband managed in the kids early years to continue a full time job, get a PhD and renovate a building. I had full responsibility 24/7 for the kids and domestic logistics and worked as an unskilled labourer so he had everything ready to go on the weekends.
At his career inaugural, he never even thanked me for my role in supporting his career. I wish I'd left him 20 years ago and built a different life. His role model did effect how the kids treat me and he absolutely torpedoed my various career revivals.

I know you’re frustrated, but I can’t see how leaving him will make things easier. Unless you’re independently wealthy you’ll need to work full time to pay the mortgage and your childcare costs will go up too. You’ll gain some childfree time at the weekend, but you’ll be exhausted. The time you do spend with your kids won’t be the relaxed quality time, it’ll be the fraught school run and then the joys of bedtime. Unless you do want the weekends as your time in which case you’ll have them on your own anyway.

here’s a different idea. Bump up your childcare to 5 days a week so you get 2 for yourself. Inevitably one will be used for cleaning and school work, but the other is yours. Cheaper in the long run and you keep your family together.

I can hear your frustration OP, and I do get it. And it's clear he doesn't.

I've been in a similar situation, endless weekends with endless jobs and two kids with a 20 month age gap. So I don have some insight into how relentless you must be finding it.

Firstly as they get older it does get a bit easier. But if you are still the default parent then it only gets a bit easier. The constant responsibility and pressure is still always thee. Anrd the fustrationt the person you are supposed to be sharing this with is totally unengaged doesn't go away either.

A few people have asked, does he understand how shaky your marriage is right now as a result of his actions? Does he know you are thinking about whether you still want to be married to him? Because if he doesn't understand that, then he needs to. Hard as that conversation is to have, you need to convey to him just how upset you are right now with his actions, and perhaps give him the opportunity to address the issues.

And if the weekend jobs nonsense can't be fixed, would him changing jobs to one where he is home all week help, and would he consider doing that?

Cleary something has to give. I hope you can get through to him.

I am so, so, so sorry. I am inclined to suggest that you give him an ultimatum at this point because you cannot carry on like this. I can't believe this man has refused to change at all, even though you have clearly expressed how much you're struggling, even though he has seen you in tears over this. It sounds like he is just trying to avoid being an active dad/husband at all costs, under the guise of being 'useful' in other ways so that he can't be accused of doing 'nothing'. If it's really true that he will not change for you now, despite you being at breaking point, then the only option you have is to get out of this situation. It is NOT sustainable. You deserve to be free of this bullshit. If you're worried about the impact of separation on your kids, just remember that a marriage like this one will not model a good relationship for them, and they deserve to have a happy mother. It honestly sounds like your husband has checked out of family life.

You are enabling this, so not much point bleating about it if you are unwilling to challenge his comfy status quo. Same applies to OP as she is not really prepared to change the household dynamic, by say leaving childcare to DH for a weekend.

Thanks all.

My situation would be immeasurably better if I divorced him. I’d just move back into the house I owned before I met him. He could have the children either one day and one night at the weekend, eg Friday nights and Saturday day or Saturday nights and Sunday day. Or every other weekend, either way I’d have some regular time to myself every week or every two weeks.

The thing is that it wouldn’t be best for the children. And I can’t ignore that fact. Life for them is happy and stable at the moment, and of course it would ideally stay that way.

How long will life stay happy and stable for them if you get progressively more exhausted, resentful and miserable though?

I can't offer any advice here, but I do offer lots of sympathy. There were lots of reasons I didn't want to stay married but, I must admit, a big part of it was the ex did nothing and I thought if we divorced, at least I'd (hopefully) get one night a week to myself. So I do understand where you're coming from...and things have got to be pretty bad if you're considering divorce just so you can get a rest.

But it isn't best for the children. I have facilitated their relationship with their dad but he's not in our weekend photos. They saw him happily walking off to the shed rather than making pancakes or tidying up the kitchen together. I didn't create my husband monster but I did allow him to grow in their home.
As teens they do see through it. Going to one uni visit out of 8 does not make him dad of the year. When they reminisce about soft play or bowling or clip and climb, he doesn't have a clue.

Recently I started to match his energy when dealing with his family. That has driven a few points home and prompted him to rethink in a way that discussing hadn't.

I still think at this stage you can fix this dynamic. You can work out a way to change. Dig around on tiktok and find some free relationship conflict advice.

Set yourself a deadline, 6 months, and really work hard to save your marriage then you can walk away with a clear conscience if sadly necessary.

Hi OP, I've got similar situation (it's the not the only problem but it's a big part of it) and my kids are 13 and I can confirm what others have said - first that it's not really changed since the kids were little, and also that I still feel resentment from the days when the kids were little and he just left me to get on with it. My husband specialises is making a massive deal of the jobs he does - just routine banking and stuff take him ages, and he gets really huffy if you interrupt him. I don't know how many times I've thought, I'm done, I'm just done. But he's all right with the kids, and they would miss him - I think - I wouldn't. I'm debating with myself whether I can plant a smile on my face for the next 5 years till the kids leave, and then I'll be like hold the door girls.
I'm just avoiding him right now, I can hardly look at his face.

Honestly, it will be better for the kids if you're less stressed and resentful.