Leaving DH to get a break or stick it out? Going a bit mad!

[arealliveknight]

Hopefully this won’t be ridiculously long.

DH and I have two children, aged four and coming up for two (twenty months.) He works full time and is usually away Tuesday morning to Thursday night, but he is sometimes away all week. I work three days a week. I’m a teacher so I do have some work outside of school as well.

I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times and nothing changes. Now spring is coming he decides essential jobs need doing around the house. I honestly don’t know anyone else with this age of children who takes them out solo as much as me at weekends. If I go through last weekend for example, we all went out for the day on Saturday as I’d won tickets to a lambing event at the local farm. Then on Sunday he did take DS to a sports class he did but I had DD all morning. This invariably happens when we divide and conquer: he gets DS who is four and pretty easy and I get DD, who just by her age is much harder work, then home for lunch and then I took them out for the afternoon. We were about from one o clock until about twenty to four so nearly four hours. However, it’s still not enough so I’m left to bath them and get them into bed solo. Finally do this, get downstairs about half seven and I start clearing up (I know people will say not to but you do have to sometimes and I hate mess) and then have to start marking some books and planning some lessons for the next day.

If this was a one off OK, but it isn’t, it’s how things are. Last weekend I had DD all morning and took her to Costco and then I took them to a party in the afternoon. Then Sunday again I had DD in the morning while DH had DS and in the afternoon took them on a nature walk the local wildlife trust organised. Weekend before that I had them all day Saturday and all day Sunday, to a farm on Saturday and then on Sunday to a park and to feed the ducks then for new shoes. I won’t go on, I’m sure everyone gets the picture. That’s on top of the fact I do all the cooking, washing, nursery runs and pretty much everything child related.

It is grindingly relentless. DD woke twice last night and I’ve got them all day today and it’s wet. I’ll probably take them out to soft play or something but it’s still a long day.

I know people will say to talk to DH and I’ve tried, so many times. It’s impossible; you don’t get anywhere. He focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than the bigger picture (‘yeah well the grass really needed mowing and that hedge was out of control’) rather than the bigger picture. I don’t have the energy to keep trying to be honest.

So - do I stick it out? Or do I say sod it. I know that’s only a question I can answer. I keep thinking things will be easier in a few months; DS will be at school. The two years after that DD starts and maybe things will get better. But I’ll still have them all school holidays and all weekend and all the time, no break. I love them, I don’t not want them here but I have absolutely no time for me at all. Any free time I do get when they’re in bed I just spend charging around doing jobs or school work.

DH isn’t a bad man although I get I haven’t sold him here. He is lazy and a bit selfish. But day to day we get on well; he does love the children and they love him. I don’t want that to change. But something has to, I’m just not sure what.

Say to him: I don't think I'm getting through to you about spending more time as a family, so let me ask this instead. If I leave you, I would like to push for 50:50 care of the children. It would be in their best interests and I would get a break sometimes. I wouldn't be resentful of having to do sole childcare. How do you feel about that situation?

OP I think you are forgetting that your children need a happy fully functioning mother who gets a break now and then.

You say it wouldn’t be better for the kids if you separated but I disagree. I was in a similar position and leaving was the only way for me to get break and a little bit of a life of my own.

Never underestimate how important time to yourself is when you have young children.

Plus many men don’t actually change unless they really really have to. He thinks you’ll never leave and he can do what he likes at the moment.

You are currently a single mother but he gets the benefit of a wife!

OP, my dad was (and still is) like this. It was always so frustrating for my mum. I was reminded of this when my dad was helping me with my DC (I've got 3 of them: baby, toddler, and 6-year-old). I was wrangling them across a busy street and realised dad had disappeared. Once I got all the DC inside, shoes off, coats off, baby's nappy changed, DD on the potty, 6-year-old's face wiped... you know the drill, my dad entered the house. Turns out, he had disappeared to go and buy batteries because one of my appliances was running low. Like, really!? THAT was the time to go and buy batteries!!?? I understood my mum's frustration so clearly in that moment.

All I can say is that, as your DC get older it will get easier. My dad wasn't great for the younger years, but then really stepped up and was an amazing father in my upper primary and secondary school years. Your DH clearly prefers to spend time with the older child because it's the easier age. But your toddler will be that age really soon, it will fly by (even if it doesn't seem like it now!).

My parents are happily married, celebrating 45 years this year. Mum told me many times that she thought about ending it in those years in the trenches with younger kids. But she's so glad she didn't.

Only you can make the decision, but as someone in the trenches right now (also a teacher!), I would be very very cautious about making a rash decision when you're sleep deprived and feeling resentful. Especially such a huge one like separation.

Also, have you tried just leaving the house? I do that a lot. 'See ya DH, I've got errands to run, I'll be back in an hour.'

It's not the point, but do they have to go out all the time? Can't they just play at home whilst you get some things done.

And you have whatever conversation you need to have with your husband to drive the point home that he needs to step up or there'll be nothing to step up to

What does parenting together look like? For us is was he did bath time I sorted the kitchen after dinner. One night a week I go out for a hobby, he does bedtime and sorts the kitchen, my favourite night of the week. I do most of the ferrying to clubs, (because of work hours) weekends vary, but often it is a weekend of chores, trips out do have to be planned because DH gets an idea in his head and struggles if his plans have changed even if he hasn't shared those plans with me. We have learned that we are both quite bad at sharing our expectations with each other and then being upset or frustrated that the other person hasn't followed our plan, even though logically they had no idea.

It’s fine to talk it out but you’ve been told resoundingly that what he’s doing isn’t ok or fair so you do need to sit and think through what you want.

Also, and I mean this so kindly OP, you have to try and stop martyring yourself. I’ve seen it happen with a close family member and nobody could understand why she sacrificed so much of herself and the complained that her DH just “wouldn’t listen”. Sometimes you have to make someone listen to you and lay down what will happen if they don’t. If they still don’t listen then you need to come good on your threat. If that is leaving, even for a short period, then so be it.

It’s all about communication in my view.

My DH needs to be told what to do and ideally with it written in a list so he doesn’t forget. It sometimes makes it more work to task him on things than just to do them, but if I don’t then he’ll find something “useful” to do that is way down on my list of priorities (mowing and hedge trimmings being the favourites, but he’ll randomly re-organise drawers, clean windows, clean cars, pull weeds out of the drive etc) rather than basic washing, washing up, cleaning floors…

He is happiest if I actually tell him and sometimes that list includes defined activities with our DDs. I would rather he engage his brain and work out for himself what actually needs to be done, but given that he doesn’t, I don’t mind doing the thinking if he follows through with completing things!

He also goes off for whole days and weekends for his hobbies without it being reciprocated, but that’s a different story!

I wondered how long it would take before I was accused of martyring myself. Since DH isn’t here in the week I think we can all agree that I can’t walk out then, so I have to do it at a weekend when I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing, I come back to the house that’s been trashed and hyped up kids who take an age to settle but all is fine because I’m not a martyr. The martyr comment is just another way of making it the fault of the woman; it’s a shitty trick.

start with splitting the weekend he does kids one day and you do the other. and then 1 of the 2 nights he's home during the week you bugger off.

this will also give you some time to think about what you actually want to do and how to afford to do it. the constant talking isnt working, start acting.

But he just doesn’t @beAsensible1 . He isn’t always home those couple of days a week and at weekends … won’t happen. He just pulls faces and says he has to do X, he has to be Y, why don’t we all.

it doesn't matter if the house is trashed and the kids are hyped up, he will figure it out.

he is an adult with 2 kids, leave him to problem solve. visit your parents or a friend. go to the library and do your marking. join a local leisure centre and do class and use the sauna steam. volunteer at a charity or foodbank.

walk 5 miles. take a class. it doesn't matter what you do, just do it somewhere else. men often bank on their partners feeling obligated to sort out the mess they leave behind, or wade in when they're doing it "wrong". You have to fight the urge.

Because if you leave he will be doing it alone anyway so he might as well get the practice and you get some alone time.

You keep calling him lazy, but lazy would be him not actually doing the jobs he says he's doing and lazing on the sofa at home, or making an excuse to go out to the pub or football and sit out all day.

He's not lazy just because he's not looking after the kids/doing the specific thing you want, when he is doing other things around the house and garden. It sounds like even when he is out parenting it's the "easy" one so it doesn't count to you, apparently. So whatever he does isn't good enough, if he took them both out it would be that it wasn't long enough or they went to the wrong places or ate the wrong things or came back dirty or whatever.

You could put a picnic blanket out in the garden and sit with the younger child and have a teddy bears picnic, or if they like to be more active you could fill a paddling pool with ball pit balls or get one of the big toddler enclosures and stick all the toys in it.

The other day just go out yourself and do what you want and leave them all to it. He's at home, he's a responsible adult, you need to stop flapping.

stop asking/ having a conversation about it.

get up early get dressed and go. text him saying "i'm out for the day", x&y jobs have to wait.

make this your routine on the weekends/ evenings he is home. You're giving him too much space to weave a narrative of busyness. stop entertaining it.

and as other have said if he is doing house hold jobs then hang out with the kids where he instead. you don't need to give him alone time to do a couple of menial jobs.

I think it’s possible to be lazy whilst actually hard working in a different way. That’s a bit garbled but he isn’t doing the bread and butter tasks of cooking, entertaining children, getting up with them in the night or morning, baths, clearing up after them, and instead is spending ages putting a new gate on when there was nothing wrong with the old one.

My whole post is that I have reached the end of conversations. Just doing things - going out for the day is exactly what I’m trying to avoid with him so it’s hypocritical. It won’t lead to changes in his behaviour it will make it worse ‘well you vanished last Saturday!’

And sorry but yes, it does matter if the house is trashed. Unless you’re not the one clearing it up.

I have a DD age 1 and I found in the beginning I was doing far too much. It was driving me nuts. After some big arguments with my DP, he finally got it. He knows he wants to make time for other things like his hobbies etc so in order to do that he has to find balance. He also knows how important it is that I get some rest and "me" time. So what does that look like? He does bed time usually 3 times a week, sometimes more. Takes our DD out for a walk whenever I request it. If he's out for a few hours on a Saturday he will then take her somewhere for a couple of hours Sunday morning while I do whatever I want. I still do quite a lot of the parenting as I work part time and he works full time, but this arrangement is so much better than before. Can't you suggest things like that? Or just say "I'm going out Sat/Sun for 2 hours, you'll have to look after the kids". Make it clear that you NEED time alone.

I am and have been in a similar position to you for 20 yrs. I’ve always ‘put off’ giving him the ultimatum and risk parting ways, it has been a stressful 20 yrs, as well as repeatedly feeling so alone and unloved.

Things are better now and I wouldn’t imagine ever splitting BUT he is still difficult sometimes and the stress and everything over the years have taken its toll (possibly on my health too).

If I ever had to do anything like this again, I’d probably make a different choice.

He is prioritising unimportant things over being a dad and husband. When you have a young family sometimes a perfect house and neat hedges have to take a back seat. Otherwise you end up missing out on your family and sometimes even neglecting them.

He is being incredibly selfish. I wouldn’t blame you if you took time away from him, and tell him he needs to really think about what is important to him and what he is prepared to do to keep his family - and let’s be fair, it’s not like he would need to do much, just be a decent partner and father.

Look after yourself and your kids. Don’t add another ‘adult child’ to your list.

Yes I second this. You shouldn't have to be given permission to have some alone time. It should be a given. If my DP expected me to do EVERYTHING, I'd be gone. What's the point?

These types of threads always end up frustrating. I’m sure that if I knew you in real life and knew what the situation was then I would give you a big hug and try to help you sort it out.

But on here we don’t know you; we just hear how frustrated and at your wits end you are.

We definitely all hear you though. Hopefully just knowing how many people have joined your thread to help (even if it’s not feeling like helping to you) shows that we all sympathise with how you feel.

Lots of us have been there with young kids, feeling tired and alone and unsupported. It will get better whatever you choose to do

You need a firm, blunt, clear conversation with him, @arealliveknight. Tell him his behaviour is making you so unhappy you are considering divorce.

As I said earlier - give him a clear list of what you want from him, and what behaviour he needs to change - ie. helping with the daily, essential tasks like tidying, cooking, bath time and bedtime, that HAVE to be done there and then, rather than inessential, periodic jobs that could wait until another time, such as lawn mowing or hedge trimming.

I literally can’t get much clearer than I’ve been. I know that sounds defeatist but I’ve tried to lay it on the line so many times - nice and calm, crying and frustrated, cold and clear. Doesn’t work.

So … I think I have to accept this is it, this is my life (and I’m low at that tbh) or … do something drastic, neither are great choices.

you don't have to accept it.

make plan to be out this weekend. leave on friday night come back on Sunday evening.

you need some breathing room to think. I'm sorry you're so fed up OP, labouring the same point constantly with no change is destroying.

I could have written this, and I really don’t know the answer, but I think sometimes my resentment towards OH makes me think I would be better off on my own. In reality I would be as burnt out as I am now but without anyone to get the car MOT’d or watch telly with in the evening. I resent him for everything since we’ve had kids- for not having to be pregnant, for not doing any night wake ups, for not feeding the babies, for not keeping on top of the housework, for doing 0% of the domestic mental load, for getting to go out and speak to adults and earn money while I’m trapped at home with two young children- all understandable resentments. I also resent him for things that are unreasonable though: for doing the jobs that need doing and for going to work, basically for anything that isn’t directly looking after our two young children, which he does even less of than your OH. The thing is he’s doing his best, his job is a nightmare and I have no earning ability that’s anywhere near his, so I’m trapped until they start school. He sees me at home with our babies while he’s up and down the motorway, wishing he could be at home with his family. There’s so much resentment on both sides, and not because we dislike each other, life is just so unequal, and we are both maxed out and can’t help each other. So I don’t know whether there’s an answer to your question, having very young children puts a real strain on relationships, but I think it might be a trap to think you would be better off alone if OH is a good father and works hard for his family and does get on with the never ending list of tasks. It’s just relentless and hard having young kids, I don’t know anyone else who has their kids on their own as much as I do either, so I feel you when you say it’s getting to you.

Do you think that your kids have a right to quality time with both of their parents? Both together and separately?

But you’re asking if you should stick with him or leave because you’ve talked to him countless times and nothing changes, and you get no time to yourself, ever. What PPs are suggesting is that YOU change things rather than asking him to; that you claim time to yourself. Perhaps I’m being dim, but I don’t understand how that’s missing the point of your post.
What would happen if you started claiming a day to yourself —not just once or twice but every weekend? It might not be a magic wand that turns your DH into someone completely different but it would definitely change the dynamic of your weekends. You say it’s put up or shut up (leave) but why? Why can’t there be a world where you don’t put up but don’t leave either — and instead go out for some (quality!) time alone without either child?

Everything you’re saying is totally and entirely valid. Mowing the lawn IS lazy when it’s being done to avoid the complex, draining and relentlessness of day to day parenting and housekeeping.

Trial separation? He’d see how much he has to do on his days with the kids and how draining it is.

Your days would feel infinitely less draining because you wouldn’t have to see him avoiding playing his part- the emotional impact of that is harsh and exhausting.

Ignore the posters who don’t get it. I’ve been a single parent of twins and it’s preferable to being a married parent but carrying all the weight.