It upsets me that DP lacks curiousity

[Soloplay]

DP and I had been going through a really good patch intimacy wise. We faced a really big challenge about a month ago and I was so impressed with how he stepped up and it was great how we supported one another through it.

I'm keen to move on and take some positive steps forward in my life. I'm feeling things slip back slightly to a time when we were more distant. An issue I've always had but kind of accepted is that I have a few more interests than he does and he doesn't seem phased by this. I'm on a weight loss journey at the moment and am being really mindful about cooking us nutritious meals, doing home workouts, plenty of walking and some yoga. I'm also reading, journalling and creating moodboards, and find it really helps me. I try to discuss my challenges and goals and while he listens, he never seems to really engage or ask questions. It makes me feel kind of alone. From what I can see, DP only really uses any free time to scroll YouTube. I've tried to show genuine interest and ask questions about what he's watching and he does tell me about it but I guess I don't want to just ask all the time in case it comes across invasive.

All of this makes me feel that he lacks a lot of interest in both me and life in general. I'd like to address this with him but don't want to come from an accusatory standpoint. How is best to do this?

I think the advice you are getting is the best it can be. You are asking how you can make your partner interested in something that doesn’t interest him. Why would you do that?

If he says well done when you lose a few pounds, isn’t that enough support? Does he really need to read your journal and discuss the deeper meaning of elements of your mood boards? If you want him to take a greater interest in things you are interested in, maybe find something interesting to be interested in.

Now you are being a martyr , responding in quite an emotionally immature way. Don’t use the word journey I’d suggest that’s really off putting. Journaling is personal, it doesn’t warrant a conversation. Him not being interested in those things doesn’t make him lack curiosity, if he’s not interested in anything that’s a different thing. If he’s not interested in your hobbies that doesn’t mean he lacks curiosity that means he’s not interested in your hobbies. Do you have conversations about anything?

I've been with DH 34 years. If he insisted I listen whilst he waxed lyrical about his passion for chess, I think I'd cry. And I wouldn't dream of insisting he watch me do cross stitch.

It sounds to me OP like you're trying to force a rather contrived Instagram-worthy relationship on him. All your talk of mood boards, and journalling and weight loss journey etc. Seriously? None of it sounds very genuine to me.

True intimacy cannot be forced or scheduled. It only happens organically.

I’m afraid this is my view too.

Do you not have any friends?

I don't mean to be rude but I can't think of anything worse than hearing about someone's weight loss journey or seeing someone's mood boards. I am interested in others but not to the extent that I want to know about their mood boards (whatever that is!). I think maybe if you talked about more every day stuff (work, family, friends etc) he might be more engaged.
And some people do just want to veg out in the free time and watch tv/YouTube etc. That's OK.
My DH has hobbies and interests that frankly I'm not interested in. I'll ask a polite "How did it go?" if he's been off doing his hobby, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm just thinking back to my own parents and while they were certainly not perfect, I remember they talked A LOT! I also remember them both having such a knack for showing interest in things people were talking about that I would have considered very dull. I realised though that this was quite a nice quality and when I tried to practice it, it started to come very naturally. I truly feel that there is something really lovely about listening to someone talk about a way they are trying to enhance their lives in some way or a passion they have. And I certainly want to know more if it's coming from someone I love. I absolutely do not expect me and DP to have all of the same interests but sometimes I think it would be nice for him to return the interest I show in him.

It is interesting to listen to the ones you love depending of the topic they are talking about. I wouldn't be able to listen to football stuff. I find it zero interesting and I will nod and say yeah, yeah. You got my ears forever if you talk about sewing. That doesn't mean I don't love that person or I don't care or that I lack interests. It just means that my interests are different.
As PP said mood boards, weight lost etc can be difficult to share because there is no many people interested in that stuff unless is you the one that is doing it to keep you motivated.

I’ve never journaled or made a mood board. Don’t think it’s done me any harm.

You can't expect that because you completely change your life and desires that he should, too.

It is also possible to speak about home improvements without a moodboard, whatever the hell that is.

Dear OP,

I think people are a little blunt in their views, but some have a point. You are coming from a good place - wanting to be closer to your other half is great, but expecting him to feign interest in something he is not interested in is a little much.

I have been where you are, but after 18 years together I realise that no amount of asking could get my DH to enjoy allotment gardening or 2 hour hikes or hill climbing (he has a fear of heights). I (controversially) find computer games boring and that is how he loves to spend his time. We have both tried to include the other over the years, but have accepted we are different people with different hobbies.

If you really want to feel close to your partner, try and find common ground and joint interests and spend time doing those instead. For us we love reading (and discussing books), watching films, and playing really really bad tennis.

Good luck OP.

Address it by being less needy.

If you really want to talk about mood boards, journalling and a weight loss 'journey' 🤮
Then find other people that are interested in those things, he's not in that's okay.

Do you have other interest than getting healthier and home improvements - I don't know something more intellectual? Books you've read, interesting programmes you've heard on the radio, clubs you belong to? And does your partner?

What shared things did you do when you first met?

You lost me at journey and journalling...

OP, I'd be bored if I had to listen to that, and now that I am perimenopausal and no longer feel the need to pretend to be interested in things I'm not my eyes would glaze over and I'd reach for Youtube as well. I'd save the journalling for your friends and find something that interests you both.

I don't think the solution is for either of you to fake an interest in something you find dull. That's not really what bonds people, it's just token politeness. There should ideally be something you're both interested in? Surely? I can't really imagine getting into a relationship with someone I didn't have any common interests with.

DH and I have very different interests but we enjoying talking to each other about them and it's an important part of the relationship for me (and I'd say for him too), so I do understand your point of view.

However, my DH has also been careful with his eating recently and losing a lot of weight, but as I have always struggled with disordered eating, it's not really something I want to talk about with him, which I've said.

So, I guess, has he always not shown much of an interest in you and your "thing" or is this new? If it's new, could it be that he feels like his diet is being criticised or he's worried about finding the money for home improvements, for example?

If he's always been like it, however, I'm not sure what you can do. Faking an interest wouldn't really be any better than not taking one at all.

I love wanky wellness shit and have a vision board in my home office.

DH will smile and nod about it, but it's just not his thing. In the same way he doesn't expect me to watch shouty Japanese anime or hover excitedly around his 3D printer.

He does look at the vision board and remind me that we don't have room for rescue chickens...

I don’t think your partner would be very interested in what you’re doing. Once you’ve spoken about a yoga class or healthy eating there’s not a ton more to say is there? I do yoga all the time and losing weight too- my bf is supportive but doesn’t want to hear the daily detail understandably.

I guess I don’t need him to show loads of detailed interest, thinking about it now. I’m more than happy to crack on and do it myself. I don’t show loads of interest in the sports he likes etc. He has other people who are enthusiastic about that in his life.

I think every single one of us agrees that a partner should be interested in your life. I think what's putting people off is your talk of your weight loss journey (basically you're on a diet), journaling (this should be private, no?) and mood boards. To many of us this all seems a bit pretentious and intense.
If my DH was doing all this I would switch off and let him get on with it. I mean he has been on diets and we'll have a brief chat about it, such as:
Him: "I was good, I turned down the free cake at work today."
Me: "Oh well done! I can see you've lost a few pounds. You're doing well."

But that's it. He has a sporty hobby he's passionate about. At the beginning, I asked about it, to find out what it was but the conversation was probably ten minutes long and now there's no need to talk more about it, other than "Did you have fun today?".

Of course we talk a lot about other stuff like how our days went, what's going on at work, how our respective families are, our joint plans for holidays, house renovations etc.

So of course, I think we all agree our partners should be interested in our lives but I think we're feeling that your topics of conversation might be a bit of a turn off for him (and many of us). If however, you feel that he has absolutely no interest in any aspect of your life , then that's not good and you should rethink the relationship. If it's only the subjects you mentioned that he's not interested in, then I'd forgive him.

@Soloplay I think you’ve recognised that you are looking for more connection and there’s nothing wrong with that but it can’t be forced connection on a thing only one of you is interested in, IYSWIM?
DH and I both came to the relationship with hobbies and have, in large part, maintained those entirely separately with separate friends.
We do, however, have things that we both enjoy, find interesting/important that we ‘connect’ over that aren’t just day to day things about the house etc. My advice would be to try and find those things, even if it’s just a TV show to start with - make it a fixture of the calendar (every Tuesday we sit down to watch x thing), get some snacks, snuggle up, stick your phones out of reach and see how you go

It all sounds so forced. If I was him I’d feel like I was at work having to perform well and being reviewed with all this talk about challenges and goals and how you were ‘impressed’ at how he ‘stepped up’ to the ‘challenge’. It’s home not work. Just chat, he’s your partner not someone you manage.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than discuss someone's weight loss journey moodboard.

That is a really good point. Curiosity is interesting when it extends outside of yourself.

Sorry OP. I'm normally very supportive of posters here, but I'm not going to be this time.

It's perfectly reasonable to want shared interests, and to want your partner to be interested in you as a person. However, the slightly lofty way you've written your posts and mentioning of journaling & mood boards suggests you might lack self-awareness, despite consuming self-help content, ironically.

The terms you use, like 'being on a journey' and 'challenges' strikes me as being rather pretentious. It reminds me of the way people speak & interact in the corporate world which is full of jargon, facades, and people wanting everybody else to take them as seriously as they do.

There does seem to be a type of naval-gazing person who loves piously talking about their spiritual journey and their 'truth'. Most people will be bored shitless by this, at best.

> I think it's important to talk about your interests with one another

And he clearly doesn't
People are different
If that'd something that's important to you, and it's something he doesn't want to do, you have a decision to make
How important is it to you that he takes an interest in your interests?