It upsets me that DP lacks curiousity

[Soloplay]

DP and I had been going through a really good patch intimacy wise. We faced a really big challenge about a month ago and I was so impressed with how he stepped up and it was great how we supported one another through it.

I'm keen to move on and take some positive steps forward in my life. I'm feeling things slip back slightly to a time when we were more distant. An issue I've always had but kind of accepted is that I have a few more interests than he does and he doesn't seem phased by this. I'm on a weight loss journey at the moment and am being really mindful about cooking us nutritious meals, doing home workouts, plenty of walking and some yoga. I'm also reading, journalling and creating moodboards, and find it really helps me. I try to discuss my challenges and goals and while he listens, he never seems to really engage or ask questions. It makes me feel kind of alone. From what I can see, DP only really uses any free time to scroll YouTube. I've tried to show genuine interest and ask questions about what he's watching and he does tell me about it but I guess I don't want to just ask all the time in case it comes across invasive.

All of this makes me feel that he lacks a lot of interest in both me and life in general. I'd like to address this with him but don't want to come from an accusatory standpoint. How is best to do this?

I'm a curious person, the words; moodboard, journalling, mindful, sexual awakening make me roll my eyes/fall asleep, it's all very introspective. I consider curious people to be curious about the world, politics, travel, current affairs, literature, theatre, music, art etc. Those are topics I'd be interested to hear anything about. I don't want to hear about someone's journal of their weightloss journey

Mood boards, journaling (isn’t that keeping a diary?) and a weight loss journey (being on a diet in my day) are only interesting to you. Not remotely interesting to anyone else

My exact thoughts, succinctly put. People are very different in what they need from a relationship and nobody can change that. If my husband informed me he was on a weight loss journey (he's currently trying to lose weight in fact) or invited me to peruse his mood board I'd be perplexed. He just doesn't talk like that or do stuff like that. We both keep saying we should keep a diary, but that's mostly when we can't remember a good restaurant or what day we went to a particular place. Can usually search that in one's phone nowadays so the need has lessened.

We both have hobbies which the other has no interest in beyond asking if he's won or lost. Blow by blow accounts not necessary.

What we do both enjoy, together, is an hour or two for a long walk a couple of times a week. This can be amazingly bonding. There's nothing to do but talk and
this is when we discuss anything and everything that's bothering us, good things, not so good things, bad things. Walking in the countryside or somewhere equally quiet is a really good time for discussions of all sorts that you usually don't have time for, or it's not the right time to bring up. I think we both look forward to this equally, as there's nothing to distract and you both have time to
express your feelings about this or that situation or problem.

Yes indeed, take him for a walk and sound him out.

Agree with this. Curious people want to know about the world in general - not someone’s recent self awaking which does sound a bit me me me’

Theres a whole world out there to be interested in - personal navel gazing and enlightenment is really only vaguely interesting to the individual. No one else needs to hear it.

Pp are being a bit mean op.

I've been journalling (yes, that's what it's called) for many years, long before the internet.
The internet might have added a shiny woo spin to it but it is essentially a tool for self reflection, growth and mindfulness.

I can totally understand the use of "journey" for what you're trying to achieve and you don't need to justify it.

Now, to answer your op.

Do you genuinely want to hear about motorbikes or is it the connection you're craving?

Find an interest you can share, such as walks on Sunday afternoons, watching old movies together, visiting museums etc It doesn't have to be all consuming ie every day or become part of your personality.

But it could open up more genuine communication and closeness that I think you're looking for.

Absolutely this👆

My MIL did really well with weightloss but became such a bore about it.

Keep up the good work OP but other than peoples initial congratulations don't expect them to continue to want to know the details of what you ate and what exercise you did that day as its tedious.

It hard when the child free one to one time is only an hour and 15 mins and you don't feel that you are connecting with the person you love. It's easy to fall into the trap of judging them as individuals for their lack of conversational initiation when they are just frazzled from the day and are trying to decompress.

Perhaps try to give each other an hour of "me" time and then try to connect for the final 15 mins before bed. If that goes well, you may find that you are starting the connection phase earlier and earlier. But take it step by step.

'Anyone “on a journey” of any kind is often boring as anything.'

This!

OP, I’n in the thick of it with kids too and DH and I have maybe 3h a week to connect without kids. Our interests right now are a bit muted - more I want to x than actually doing anything. So we chat a bit about them but connect more by doing squaredele side by side or watching one show a week. If he puts on an airplane documentary I fall asleep and if I talk about how I’d win Alone he nods a bit but doesn’t take it in (as a vegetarian my odds are…not good).

It is a hard time to connect and I agree with PP that you’ll build longer connection going out on the weekend than interrupting his motorcycle watching. Maybe go to a motorcycle show together?

It's a bit navel gazey, isn't it? I love to write stuff down, have a good old brain dump once in a while. I haven't turned it into an Instagrammy thing with a catch phrase though. It's just something I've done my whole life. I wonder if it's because Gen Zers do so much short burst texting and tweeting and so forth, that the concept of taking a pen and a notebook and handwriting something that consists of whole paragraphs seems like a new-fangled, self-care concept to them? They probably don't realise they are reinventing the wheel.

I’ve just been on a ‘weight loss journey’ (this used, before SM times, to just be called going on a diet and trying to do a bit more exercise).

It’s my journey and nothing to do with my husband. He does not need to be concerned about it in anyway, other than to note there are meals I cook him and the kids that I skip, and there are others that I hope he and the kids will try so that we can all eat a bit more healthily and have family meals a few times a week. I may have asked him for his opinion on new clothes I’ve bought since hitting target. Other than that, he doesn’t need to know. I don’t need to know the minutiae of his work day, his tinnitus or aching limbs although he will mention that his knee is much better since he stopped running on the treadmill. These are passing observations not detailed in-depth and existential discussions about his gym programme or far I am off target weight or a size 10. I save those discussions for other people like me who are ‘on the journey’ too, ie, girlfriends.

I think you should leave DH to it and find things that you both have in common to talk about - upcoming holidays, family, the next box-set binge you’ll share, or a mutual hobby etc. And if you can’t find enough in common, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship?

TLDR: no-one likes a diet bore…

How long have you been together OP?

I think you need to accept that he’s not that interested and that’s ok. You’ll exhaust yourself overanalysing and trying to get something from him he’s not able to give you.

You could get that support/interest from likeminded people? Friends? Common communities in real life/online.

Not everything has to come from a partner. Doesn’t mean your relationship is bad, quite the opposite, it’s healthy to have your own stuff.

PS - talk to me about your mood boards, I’d love to hear about them! Love a mood board. 😆

My Mrs loves football but she knows its a waste of time trying to explain it all to me, I'll woop and cheer for your team to score a goal but that's as far as it goes, I have zero interest in football and that's okay. I like sewing, painting and general crafty stuff, my Mrs might say ooh that's nice, but she isn't interested in how the machine works or the difference between acrylic and watercolours. That's why friends with similar hobbies are important, or just accepting everyone likes different things 🤷‍♀️

Agree. I actually laughed out loud when I opened the thread and read what the OP considered to be curiosity.

Aren't moodboards and diaries - sorry, journalling - meant to be somewhat private, anyway? I have friends who keep diaries and at no point have we ever talked about what's in them.

You sound very intense and rather self-obsessed. Perhaps he’s just bored of your mood board and your “journey”.

Going on your other thread you've changed from someone who doesn't want to be touched and closed off to someone who does and wants more openness. You're expecting your bloke to do a complete overhaul of himself to meet these new needs of yours. It doesn't work like that.

If you hadn't mentioned journeys and mood boards you might have gotten different replies, nobody is interested in that stuff. Least if all husbands.

You may not get those needs met if you're suddenly wanting something different to what it's been like through your relationship.

Do you talk about your 4 year old in the talking time?

I'd be concerned if he's not interested in that but for your weight loss journey, not so much.

I can't believe how many people think spending some shared time and having the same interests as their partner is a fairy tale or weird. No wonder there are so many bad relationships!

It sounds like you need to find things you both enjoy together rather than you pushing your things on him. Maybe you both like to travel (even just planning it if you can't go anywhere any time soon) or go to see some kind of entertainment you can surprise him with tickets for or do some kind of exercise together you both enjoy or something, even if just going for a walk.

When you're in a motivated phase and your partner isn't, it's hard.

I agree with those saying it’s all a bit introspective and navel-gazelly (new word!) and probably a bit repetitive and boring.

OP the issue here is that men and women are basically very different. Often a man scrolling on his phone will be him in his 'Man Cave' - he doesn't want to be disturbed, he wants to just relax and unwind, not give a commentary or discussion on what he's reading or watching. I had to find that out when first in a relationship and now give my DP that space to just do his own thing.

Women usually are more chatty and like sharing, men tend to glaze over on a lot of it, I find it best to keep things more concise! If you want to talk about those things it's better to find other friends to chat with. My DP says he's really glad I have other interests but it's clear he really doesn't want to know much about them!

So no I don't think your DP lacks interest in life, he's just different in the way he shares what he does, and that's OK.

OP! I know this isn't the point, but I'd love to see your mood board. My teenage dd has only recently explained to me what a mood board is, and I now think that seeing it would be a really good insight into what a person likes/is thinking about, and also a good talking point. Like you I love to hear about whatever is going on in another person's head.
With my dh I can often detect that he is having a conversation with me about my stuff (dreams/plans/worries etc) out of some sort of kindness/politeness but really would rather get away. It's weird because like you I would be totally interested in hearing about his thoughts and dreams and plans etc - but also that would probably not be his favourite topic either. So not my dreams/plans, but not his dreams/plans either.
I have to think about what would actually engage him - and it's often rather something more everyday-ish or perhaps non-personal like politics. Or a puzzle or game works well. Or as a pp said, going for a walk and talking about the birds etc on that. Sometimes I think that he doens't want to talk dreams/plans because there is something that he wants to avoid thinking about. Or maybe like a pp said it is just a man thing? Have you read the Wendy Cope poem about anecdotes and jokes?!

I think the evil in the woodwork is YouTube. So his head is always in his phone.

You say he needs some interests, so encourage him to put down that phone and Do Something.
I suggest plan a day out with your 4 year old to eg https://www.classicbikeshows.com/stafforda/ (lots of outside space to run around) Lots of other bike events about!

I'd also look to how he can save to get a bike again - is he any good at fixing bikes, could he restore something and sell at a profit? Anything you can do to make a bit of cash on the side? (My go to was growing tomato plants on a windowsill, set up costs low if you get sturdy plants and pot on (pick up secondhand pots for free) you can sell for £3each plant easily yet a packet of seeds is only £3 or so. So I could turn in today's money £3 + £10 compost cost, grown in plastic food trays saved from recycling and potted on in free pots to return about £140-180, didn't have room for more)

Show a bit more interest in his interest and get him off that bloody YouTube which will give him time to hopefully find your interest in him reciprocated.

I'm also reading, journalling and creating moodboards, and find it really helps me. I try to discuss my challenges and goals and while he listens, he never seems to really engage or ask questions. It makes me feel kind of alone

I don’t think it’s normal to expect your spouse to go on this ‘journey’ with you in the way you want. If DH did all this (not only would I back out of the room slowly), but I would not want to engage in it at all. We show interest in each other but interest in the ‘mechanics of the journey’ and hoo haa about challenges a goals - nope. Personally, it would turn me right off him if I had to listen to that.

From what I can see, DP only really uses any free time to scroll YouTube. I've tried to show genuine interest and ask questions about what he's watching and he does tell me about it but I guess I don't want to just ask all the time in case it comes across invasive

If DH did this to me, I’d think it was some weird stalking. I couldn’t do it to him either as I’d feel stalker’ish. We still communicate - as in if I notice a show I’m interested and I think he might also like, I’ll tell him about it, he’ll look it up and say yes/no. If it’s a yes, I don’t Netflix it by myself but wait until a time we are both free. He does similar. Or something I’d like to try restaurant or activity wise. We certainly don’t discuss YouTube content or similar with each other.

Both DH and I have hobbies we do separately that don’t interest the other at all. There is zero point us each pretending to be interested, because we are not so we don’t. There is no problem at all with this. You just talk about those hobbies with other people who are also genuinely interested in them.

I agree. My ex used to watch YouTube videos about astrophysics and would watch Brian Cox and other like minded people, and he knew a ton about particle physics but would only offer up that info if asked! He was a carpenter but had a fascination with it all. I didn't question it, but neither did I reduce it to him not being curious. If he'd tried to get all up in my grill about my calorie intake and yoga positions or others things I was doing, I'd probably have been very frustrated by that after a while. I see this on dating apps a lot; men in lycra expecting women to do all the outdoor sports with them (i know because I talk to them, and they do) and I do wonder, when did couples start being joined at the hip like this? I think it's healthy to have your own vibes, and space – in the case of my ex, literally space 😂

Good lord give the man some peace!