It upsets me that DP lacks curiousity

[Soloplay]

DP and I had been going through a really good patch intimacy wise. We faced a really big challenge about a month ago and I was so impressed with how he stepped up and it was great how we supported one another through it.

I'm keen to move on and take some positive steps forward in my life. I'm feeling things slip back slightly to a time when we were more distant. An issue I've always had but kind of accepted is that I have a few more interests than he does and he doesn't seem phased by this. I'm on a weight loss journey at the moment and am being really mindful about cooking us nutritious meals, doing home workouts, plenty of walking and some yoga. I'm also reading, journalling and creating moodboards, and find it really helps me. I try to discuss my challenges and goals and while he listens, he never seems to really engage or ask questions. It makes me feel kind of alone. From what I can see, DP only really uses any free time to scroll YouTube. I've tried to show genuine interest and ask questions about what he's watching and he does tell me about it but I guess I don't want to just ask all the time in case it comes across invasive.

All of this makes me feel that he lacks a lot of interest in both me and life in general. I'd like to address this with him but don't want to come from an accusatory standpoint. How is best to do this?

Thanks for the input, stay kind 😃

My DH is my best friend and we often chat for hours together about ‘bigger things’.

this is important to both of us so I understand your frustration.

so do you love each other/ want to make it work/ have kids etc.?

you May always be different types of people but there is compromise if you’re both committed to it.

Hobbies are personal to individuals - they are things we do separately, to preserve our independence. As a couple, there is no need to share absolutely everything. I can't think of much worse than having to listen to a partner talk about their "life goals and moodboards", tbh.
You do your thing, OP, and let him do his - your relationship will be much better for it.

Just reflecting on some PPs and it's clear to me that I'm really wanting some more closeness generally in the relationship. I'm just having trouble knowing how to approach this without accusing him of doing anything wrong.

OP…. Do you both work? Busy lives? Friends?

I could not spend huge amounts of time around anyone who wasn't intellectually curious, especially not a partner, I'd feel like I'd died a little bit inside if I couldn't have conversations with my supposed soulmate on anything that piqued my interest at the time, and vice versa. DH and I never run out of things to chat about and that's why we are still very happy after 30 odd years.

However, is he like this about everything or just your 'weight loss journey'?

Because even describing it as a 'journey' implies that you might be a bit self absorbed and boring over it, expecting him to gush over it and show an interest over how many almonds is the optimum amount per serving for the macro-nutrients or whatever. I've had a couple of friends get very CrossFit obsessed and honestly, it gets tedious hearing about it after a while. I'm supportive and happy for them, just not interested in the minutiae of it.

Or perhaps he's jealous and scared that once you've reached your goals you'll get loads more self confidence and leave him?

If he's just a bit of a boring bastard in general, without much intellectual curiosity in anything, then yeah, I'd find that hard. But then I'd probably have not got to the stage where I was serious about him in the first place.

With all due respect Op, those intellectually curious activities seem incredibly modern and social media driven (I had never heard the ideas of creating moodboards/journalling etc before 2010). Do you mean writing a diary and deciding what kind of pictures you like looking at? Whilst I might find writing a diary pleasant, I'm really not that into finding pictures that I like. It sounds like he likes different things too. You seem to have expectations that he needs to like the activities you do but, honestly, I would find it quite dull listening to anyone talk about that. My husband loves painting mini war hammer figures (yes, really), I just mildly take the mickey. He's fine with it. You don't have to like the same things to have a good relationship.

Oh dear, DH and I have been married over 50 years. We have entirely different interests. If he started asking me about my love of dressmaking/ sewing, I'd be shocked, same as when he starts talking about aeroplanes, second world war, things he finds interesting, I listen but kind of 'zone out'. We have mutual interests, countryside, music, etc., but don't need to 'share' everything. Give the guy a break, I'd be the same regarding discussing weight loss, just too boring!

You lost me at 'mood boards', sorry!

In good relationships people are interested in each other and what they are doing, yes. But he just isn't interested in your weight loss.

Is he interested in what you do at all? It may be that he is just not that interested in you and that this relationship is not what you need.

Weight loss journeys are really boring for others. Saying this as someone who is doing the same. DH is also doing similar but we just bore the life out of each other. Our ways of approaching it are so different.

Find other people to discuss these things with and have other topics to discuss with your DH. But with a 4 year old and just an hour's downtime it could just be a comfortable togetherness watching mindless telly - not deep discussions.

I just had to google it as I had no idea what it was - and I’m still not sure I’m much the wiser.

😲

This.

Ignore me
I was wrong!!

Yes this, we share bits but there is no chance we are sharing 'journey's' except transport ones

I don't mean the op personally but I think some people live too much in the own heads

None of what you have started on as a 'journey' would give me any need to be curious.
What questions could he have about it?

What are you doing that is interesting to him?
What are you learning?
You're at home, on the phone / laptop, exactly the same as he is.

Your challenges, goals, journals and mood boards are of interest to you, but to nobody else. Your partner doesn’t lack curiosity in general. He is just bored with hearing you wanging on about your personal growth. His hobby is motorbikes. Your hobby is yourself.

Tell your partner that you are feeling a little in need of his attention and that you don't have much time to connect. Would he agree to put down his phone for an hour each night so that you could enjoy watching a series together with one episode each night and no phones.

You sound like an over thinker and I’m guessing your dp isn’t. Have you tried meditation? It might help calm your thoughts down.

in terms of closeness, what do you do together? On a weekend for example. Shared activities, laughter, affection are all ways to feel close.

Your dp may not show his affections as clearly as you leaving you feeling lacking. You can talk about it and ask him to show you more affection but it may be that you are not compatible in that way. You would need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you

This ^
Journey = something boring to me but something you’re going to tell me about on a loop until your next ‘journey’.

I think having someone to share your goals with, celebrate your wins and generally just be an accountability partner is really important. I wouldn’t expect him to have to indulge you fully every day, but definitely would think he should some interest and check in / ask questions.

My husband and I have a Monday morning weekly brief / meeting, where we go for a walk together and check in, ask what our goals are and how we can help eachother achieve them.

Could you suggest this? This way it’s just weekly and keeps you connected too.

Especially given that she's gone on a 'weight loss journey'!

That's absolutely going to sound like 'Babe, I'm working hard at getting myself into better shape so that lots of other men will want to shag me. Please try to be more supportive and sound interested, will you?'

Oh God. Was that not the same poster after all?

Sorry. As you were.

clocked out when you used 'journal' as a verb 😂 only a very specific type of person does this