Is it ok for a man to hit a woman if she slaps him first?

[Comparethemarket]

Just looking for opinions on this as I don't want to reveal anything to RL friends.

I was reflecting on my relationship with my ex, which was abusive in many ways (and certainly toxic, if not abusive).

Sometimes I'd say something, or ask something eg wanting reassurance (yes, I know that's needy, but there were circumstances in which I felt very insecure for good reason).

When I'd ask something about "us" there were times he'd lose his temper, shouting and screaming at me. I'd try to calm him down and plead with him to stop. On a couple of occasions he then pulled up something that just made me snap and I slapped him across the face (one of these times was saying something derogatory about my then teen children, another time he was shouting and screaming, threatening to leave and I just saw red).

I know I shouldn't have slapped him across the face, but immediately that I did on both occasions he hit me back, much harder. The first time he split my lip in retaliation and the second time I was bruised for a week afterwards.

I said it was my fault because I slapped him first, so he was therefore the victim of physical abuse.

I know everything about this relationship was so very wrong and I'm not asking for opinions on that. I'm out of it now and it will stay that way.

I know I was wrong to slap him first. I saw red and it was a way of trying to defend myself whilst he was screaming at me and telling me he didn't care.

Is he right though? Was I the one being abusive by hitting him, or saying something which made him angry in the first place?

Please no judgements. I'm just struggling to process what has happened.

Nobody should hit another person... Its toxic. Walk away

You were both abusive, you shouldn't have slapped him but no, he should not have hit you back.

Thanks. I know and I have. I was reflecting on the situation as I don't want to get to a place where it could happen again. I'm just wondering if he's right and the abuse was actually coming from me.

I don’t think it makes it right due to the size and strength imbalance. However if you slapped him first it does mean you’ve also lost the moral high ground a bit.
Nobody should be hitting anybody. I’ve been in relationships like this and once it’s happened once it will happen again unless you both seriously commit to making big changes.

you were both in the wrong

I'm of the belief that you always have the right to defend yourself, regardless of how that looks or your gender. However, hitting someone back "just because" is never a reasonable argument in my book, it shows emotional immaturity and toxicity within the relationship.

Yes you were abusive, as was he.

It's concerning that you think slapping someone across the face isn't abusive.

It’s never ok to hit another person. Both wrong in the scenario you described no matter what led up to the violence.

No one should be hitting anyone else, ever. Slapping someone is abuse, yes.

You don't need to label it. It wasn't OK for him to abuse you verbally, it wasn't OK for you to hit him and it wasn't OK for him to hit you. You don't need to quantify any of that or litigate which was less OK.

You brought out the worst of each other but it doesn't mean that bad behaviour is innate to you, as long as you learn from it.

You have to ask if slapping people is abusive?

Why is yours a slap but his a hit? You are as bad as each other.

Read up on reactive abuse. It doesn’t make you slapping him ok, but it may clarify things for you.

both abusive I don’t think being a man makes it worse

I think you misunderstand my question.

I already said I know I was wrong.

I'm asking if his reaction to it was ok in the circumstances.

I mean, sounds like he started the verbal abuse but you started the physical abuse. So whereas yes he was an ass, you were physically abusive and he was a victim of that (the same way you’re a victim of his verbal abuse) and it’s natural to hit back. None of it is ‘ok’ though, it’s all deeply toxic.

Every individual is accountable and makes the decisions about their own behaviour.

HE shouldn’t have spoken badly about your child but YOU decided to hit him rather than walk away.

YOU decided to hit him but HE decided to hit back rather than walk away.

It sounds like it was a toxic awful relationship from both sides but all you can do now is focus on where you went wrong and work on yourself.

A slap is not the same as a hit or a punch that causes bruising, splits lips etc. Agreed, slapping him was not the right thing to do, but it didn't justify his response. You can call it what you want, but it's fairly obvious to me that, coupled with his verbal treatment, he was the abusive one.

Nobody should be hitting anyone but if you have been hit by someone you should use only the amount of force needed to get yourself safely out of the situation.
In your case pushing you out of the way if you were blocking his way out of the room would have been a reasonable reaction.

You were both in the wrong. You were the one to be physically abusive first, and on more than one occassion. That doesn’t make it any more acceptable for him to hit in the same way as him being verbally abusive didn’t make it any more acceptable for you to slap him.

No it wasn’t, simply because of the strength difference. The physical consequences are much more serious for the woman (a black and blue face for weeks versus a stinging cheek for a few minutes). That said, obviously you were also being violent and that is not ok.

I didn't misunderstand. You said, quote "was I the one being abusive by hitting him".

You really have to ask? Yes, obviously, you were.

Yes, you were both abusive but you need to stop dwelling on that and work out how you will deal with such situations better in the future. Also work on how to choose better for yourself and your children in future relationships. Don't dwell on who was to blame now, its pointless.
I would say the same to him, BTW, but he won't be reading this

You’re both as bad as each other. Physically hitting someone is not a defence for I was defending myself from verbal abuse. You could just walk away.
If anyone male or female can’t handle being hit back then you don’t hit first. I don’t agree with men hitting woman but I also don’t agree with woman hitting men.

It isn’t necessarily that clear cut.

Reactive abuse, where one partner abuses another emotionally/verbally to provoke the other person lashing out is real. The verbal abuser then gets to hit them back and justify their behaviour.

It doesn’t make the OP lashing out ok of course, but it’s not always so black and white.