Is it ok for a man to hit a woman if she slaps him first?

[Comparethemarket]

Just looking for opinions on this as I don't want to reveal anything to RL friends.

I was reflecting on my relationship with my ex, which was abusive in many ways (and certainly toxic, if not abusive).

Sometimes I'd say something, or ask something eg wanting reassurance (yes, I know that's needy, but there were circumstances in which I felt very insecure for good reason).

When I'd ask something about "us" there were times he'd lose his temper, shouting and screaming at me. I'd try to calm him down and plead with him to stop. On a couple of occasions he then pulled up something that just made me snap and I slapped him across the face (one of these times was saying something derogatory about my then teen children, another time he was shouting and screaming, threatening to leave and I just saw red).

I know I shouldn't have slapped him across the face, but immediately that I did on both occasions he hit me back, much harder. The first time he split my lip in retaliation and the second time I was bruised for a week afterwards.

I said it was my fault because I slapped him first, so he was therefore the victim of physical abuse.

I know everything about this relationship was so very wrong and I'm not asking for opinions on that. I'm out of it now and it will stay that way.

I know I was wrong to slap him first. I saw red and it was a way of trying to defend myself whilst he was screaming at me and telling me he didn't care.

Is he right though? Was I the one being abusive by hitting him, or saying something which made him angry in the first place?

Please no judgements. I'm just struggling to process what has happened.

I slapped him across the face once on two separate occasions. I wasn't consistently raining blows on him. Not that it's an excuse. I know my reaction was wrong and I should have reacted differently.

Another time he pushed me and I fell, hurting myself in the process. I screamed when he pushed me out of shock and he got angrier because he said I'd put it on and was worried the neighbours would have heard me.

Questioning on any level was wrong, even just asking about his day he'd accuse me of trying to keep tabs on him rather than simply making conversation (which is what it was). On several occasions though he'd lied about where he was/who he was with. I did find out told him I knew. That was also met with a, "that's it. We're done". I know I should have just said that's fine and moved on, but I didn't. I was in a very vulnerable place when we met and I let it go on for way too long always making excuses, always apologising for my "mistakes", always promising to change and do things better.

When I told him something he had done was hurtful, he simply dismissed it with, "no it's not". When I told him something else he'd done crossed a line for me I got told he hadn't crossed any lines. I tried to explain to him that he didn't get to choose where my lines lay he got angry. Again, I ended up apologising.

OP is not an innocent victim in this at all. Her and her ex are the same. Both are abusive.

OP has slapped him more than once. How many times can someone use reactive abuse as a justification for her behaviour.

Both were equally abusive. Neither of them were innocent victims. But OP got physical first so shouldnt be surprised at his response.

He shouted, screamed and goaded you till you snapped and couldn't take any more, then he took the opportunity to hit you back - much harder.

By deliberately antagonising you into slapping him, he could retaliate and hit you as hard as he liked and tell you it was your fault, because you started it.

Yes and the moral of the story is keep your hands to yourself because if you go hitting people don’t be surprised if they slap you into next week
hitting people is wrong full stop

Yes, it’s reasonable. If someone hit/slapped me, I’d lamp them straight back. 🙄

NO. Men and women are different physically

A woman slapping a male would really be out of line but not extreme abuse. She should still definitely be called out for it to get her anger in check, if it were over something minor. A man, presumably bigger and taller and with the ability to end the woman's life , should also not hit but it would be much more risky and abusive

Yes , I think you were both abusive and it's good that you are no longer in the relationship.

This

The only time physically laying hands on someone is on is if it’s in self defense …… to get away.
You, by your own omission, hit him because you “saw red.” Imagine that the other way around ….. it’s ok for a man to hit a woman if what she said upset him and he just saw red. You don’t need to hit someone physically because they upset you or said things you don’t like ….that’s not okay and you need to think about counseling if that’s your reaction.

Shouting and screaming at someone is also not ok although I have had couple of very heated arguments in my time but if anyone is shouting at you regularly, that’s not okay.

it’s also totally not ok for him to “hit you back.” I’d be hard pushed to believe he hit you because he was acting in self defense….that it was done so he could get away. He hit you because, just like you, he saw red and wanted to ‘hit back.’ Totally not okay ….ever.

Oops …hit post too soon.
he’s also a man and unless you are a very rare couple, he’s bigger and stronger and much more able to hurt you then vice versa. He sounds like an awful manipulative bully. You did brilliantly to get away from him.

I wouldn’t focus on you slapping him / him hitting you. Both are wrong. Focus on how you ended up involved with such a dreadful man to start with. How he manipulated you to thinking the way HE MADE YOU feel. I see you can’t afford counseling but perhaps the freedom programme would be helpful for you to explore how you he ended up bullying you and how you can spot the signs to avoid again .
Don’t underestimate the strength you have shown to get away ….many don’t manage it so if you can do that, you can do anything you set your mind too.

Nope.

He was an abuser. Not just physically.

She was the victim. The victim of abuse, who happened to reach her breaking point twice when completely goaded and shouted at with vile things said about her. They are NOT the same.

He had no bruises or cuts. He was not verbally abused for months or years on end. OP did not launch verbal attacks on him and gaslight him. Do not say that they are the same. Fight or flight response kicks in and OP is only human. How much shouting, yelling and abuse can someone take without breaking at some point?

She reacted to abuse where he was shouting and screaming at her and then he injured her in response. It's what abusers do.

Do some research or something. Some of the comments on here are so ignorant that you have to wonder if they are doing it on purpose.

Slapping someone across the face is awful.You were abusive

He was emotionally abusive by screaming things about you and your children in your face, you were physically abusive by slapping him, he was then physically abusive by hitting you back.

He wasn't violent in self defense, he just hit you hard round the face to hurt you back so he was abusive. He sounds completely toxic and you should have walked away a long time before that point. That's what you need to learn from this, don't wait for it to get physical, don't put up with emotional abuse.

OP has said she was in the wrong to slap him, I dunno why some people are acting like she's saying it was fine for her to do.

Him retaliating was wrong too.
He could have walked away.
He could have held her wrist if he thought she was going to do it again.
He had other options than hitting her.

Hitting her back, splitting her lip, bruising her for a week, was totally wrong. Her slap was an excuse for him to escalate.

No it’s never ok because men are stronger and can do much more damage to women. It’s the same argument against an adult using physical punishment against a child or a frail elderly person.
You shouldn’t have hit him either but it sounds like you know that. It definitely didn’t mean he could hit you back though.

So as long as you’re not stronger, you can hit and it’s not abuse? I can’t be reading this right.

The OP knows it wasn’t right yet still we have lots coming in to give every excuse under the sun to why it was okay or even needed.
I have a friend who has sadly been hit on occasion when his wife has been frustrated. He’s never hit her back and won’t leave because of his child. But, he’s stronger and she’s weaker, so it’s not abuse according to some on this post. 🤦‍♀️

That’s called reactive abuse, Lundy Bancroft talks about it in his book Why do they Do that?

Having worked in pubs and clubs and witnessed many a fight . I can assure you there plenty of women can give a good right hook to match a man and there a lot of men who couldn’t punch there way out of a paper bag

You aren't reading it right.

No.

It’s not as simple as that. For example did it feel as though he was looking for an excuse to do it? What about people who are abused and snap is there no mitigation?

I’m not sure I have.

No it’s absolutely not ok to hit another person but human nature when under attack incites one of two responses - Fight or Flight. You chose fight when you slapped him. He should have taken the latter and walked away but chose fight too. You were both as bad as each other.

I do think there was an underlying reason for things kicking off in the first place which was related to something outside of our relationship rather than what he was actually ranting about because each time it comes seemingly out of nowhere and it catches me on a back foot as I'm left not knowing exactly what I've said or done to start it this time. I have learned not to express any disappointment, frustration or anything he might vaguely perceive as criticism no matter how minor and not to ask questions, particularly on certain topics.