Is it ok for a man to hit a woman if she slaps him first?

[Comparethemarket]

Just looking for opinions on this as I don't want to reveal anything to RL friends.

I was reflecting on my relationship with my ex, which was abusive in many ways (and certainly toxic, if not abusive).

Sometimes I'd say something, or ask something eg wanting reassurance (yes, I know that's needy, but there were circumstances in which I felt very insecure for good reason).

When I'd ask something about "us" there were times he'd lose his temper, shouting and screaming at me. I'd try to calm him down and plead with him to stop. On a couple of occasions he then pulled up something that just made me snap and I slapped him across the face (one of these times was saying something derogatory about my then teen children, another time he was shouting and screaming, threatening to leave and I just saw red).

I know I shouldn't have slapped him across the face, but immediately that I did on both occasions he hit me back, much harder. The first time he split my lip in retaliation and the second time I was bruised for a week afterwards.

I said it was my fault because I slapped him first, so he was therefore the victim of physical abuse.

I know everything about this relationship was so very wrong and I'm not asking for opinions on that. I'm out of it now and it will stay that way.

I know I was wrong to slap him first. I saw red and it was a way of trying to defend myself whilst he was screaming at me and telling me he didn't care.

Is he right though? Was I the one being abusive by hitting him, or saying something which made him angry in the first place?

Please no judgements. I'm just struggling to process what has happened.

I mean, you might get away with this in a court of law if the other person is bigger, but is this what you tell your kids?

Of course it's not OK.

Where does the escalation stop in that case?

Argue/berate/verbally abuse > shout > scream > slap > slap back harder > punch > kick > strangle/kitchen knife/crowbar/gun?!

Violence is bad. You doing a wrong thing because you lost control does not justify him doing a wrong thing in retaliation or because he lost control.

I see the MRA bat signal has gone up.

Please don't take any notice of incels telling you you deserved to be abused OP. They're no doubt abusers themselves.

Men have much harder bones and muscle strength than women. A slap from a woman to a man might hurt; from a man to a woman might kill her.

It wasn't right (obvs) for you to slap him but physical retaliation is also not right.

If someone hit me - I would probably hit them back.

I am going against the majority of pp and think you were a victim who reacted to the verbal abuse.

"Abuse can take many different forms, both physical and emotional. And no matter what type of abuse is being experienced, there’s only so much a person can take.

...Following a prolonged period of constant and consistent abuse, many victims find that their fight or flight response kicks in.

...This is known as ‘reactive abuse’, and it’s something that abusers can use to manipulate their victims into believing that they are to blame for the situation."
https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/

Clock on the link to see how to determine if it is reactive abuse.

Yes but you would.you have spent months possibly years mentally abusing them first?
Or are you applying this out of context and imagining someone just hitting you out of nowhere?
The OP was abused pure and simple and did what most people would do.when ground down to that point.
The responses here are highlighting why abusive men get away with it time and time again.
I will say it again... Gabby Petito.
If you haven't watched the documentary them please do.
OP sorry you are getting such responses, I'm sure it is triggering for you all.iver again but ease know that some of us do understand and you did nothing wrong.

You should not hawv slapped him obviously, but if he hit you harder and it was as a retaliation rather than to block you or defend himself then he is worse as he is stronger and he hit you in a way that hurts you more.
If someone slapped me I would move away from them (and break up from them) or pin their arms down to stop them if they were trying to do it again, I wouldn't punch their mouth or bruise them

Ps have you looked up reactive abuse

We used to know somebody who was constantly on at her husband about something or another - she had some strange ways (micro obsessions with germs everywhere, to name just one) and she insisted that he basically placate her in every little thing, criticising him all the way as she went.

She would belittle and humiliate him in front of others and tell them how stupid and incompetent he supposedly was, unless he jumped to her tune every single time. She really wore him down. He ended up hitting her and the relationship (unsurprisingly and thankfully) didn't last.

Am I to understand from what some people are saying on here that he was justified in hitting her, as it was reactive abuse? Personally, I think both of them were abusive and behaved outrageously and wholly unacceptably, without any excuse; but I'm getting the impression on here that some would say that she was worse, because she started it? Surely reactive abuse isn't only 'a thing' for women, is it?

You were not abusive, OP, he was. For abuse to happen there needs to be, among other things, a power imbalance: it doesn't make any sense comparing a woman's slap with a man's punch, and those who equate both are disingenuous. There's a lot of ignorance re male violence against women, and on top of that there's the stupid negationism of sex differences. Yes, women can be and indeed are abusers too and the female sex has its own (maladaptive) strategies. But let me tell you, slapping as a reaction to a clear provocation is not a very cunning one, especially when it then leads to a punch from the male!
So no, you were definitely not abusive. He clearly was and being in an abusive relationship creates a toxic atmosphere, of course. You did the right thing by leaving the relationship.
However you may have psychological sequelae from the gaslighting and emotional abuse you suffered. You would benefit from therapy. Make sure the therapist is well versed in trauma recovery and male violence against women.
I'm sorry you went through this 💐🙏

Of course it's not ok for him to have hit you, there is no justification for that.

But equally there was no justification for you to hit him, just as there was no justification for his verbal abuse. The three are separate issues and each of you had the choice not to strike out and instead leave the relationship.

I know this from personal experience as my ex partner was verbally abusive and hit me on a few occasions. But it took me years to leave so I understand why people stay.

It's not only a thing for women, of course not, but the strength difference between men and women comes into play here and cannot be ignored. We have to stop pretending that everything is equal and there isn't any difference because it's not true. Women who think it is are kidding themselves.

A man can kill a woman with his bare hands. He can inflict terrible, life changing injuries with his bare hands. Serious brain damage level injuries. He is also far better equipped to defend himself against a woman. One of the reasons why men have been able to argue that they just lost it when they kill their wives, and be found guilty of manslaughter instead of murder, is because the lack of a weapon has been used to suggest that it wasn't premeditated.

It is almost impossible for a woman to kill a man using just her hands.

I wanted to add: maybe it would be helpful if you reached out to some charity/organisation dedicated to the issue of violence against women. Women's Aid, perhaps?

If you hit anyone and they hit you back, you get what you deserve.

You can't complain; it was harder and targetted, and they were bigger and stronger because you started it.

We're so sorry to hear what you have been through OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ 💐

77% of victims who receive injuries as a result of domestic abuse are women.

98% of high-frequency (i.e. repeat) victims who receive injuries are women.

(CSEW data analyses by Walby and Towers, 2018£.

77% of domestic homicide victims in the year ending March 2024 were women.

DA against men is awful and indeed a problem but its scale and severity are nowhere near comparable. That doesn’t downplay it to acknowledge its gendered aspect.

Thank you

Did you ever hit them back though?

I don't think saying it's "reactive abuse" is a get out of jail free card though and I don't think anyone else is claiming that.

It's an explanation. It doesn't excuse the slap or suddenly make it ok, but it does help to understand that it's a recognised reaction to a set of circumstances.

It still shouldn't happen, even the name still recognises it as a form of abuse. It helps try to understand what has happened though.

I've called Relate previously to try to get counselling about the whole situation, but it costs £75 per hour and I simply don't have that kind of money lying around.

The only time it's reasonable to hit someone is in self-defence. If you had carried raining blows on him and he had no escape route then it would be self-defence. From your description this doesn't sound to be the case - it looks like straightforward retaliation which isn't acceptable.

No, never.

Even then, trying to restrain the person or just removing yourself from the situation by walking/running away are possible better options.

Oops, sorry you'd specified no escape route.

No. You should not have hit him, but he also should not hit back, and in my view is worse, as men are much stronger. But both wrong.