Is it ok for a man to hit a woman if she slaps him first?

[Comparethemarket]

Just looking for opinions on this as I don't want to reveal anything to RL friends.

I was reflecting on my relationship with my ex, which was abusive in many ways (and certainly toxic, if not abusive).

Sometimes I'd say something, or ask something eg wanting reassurance (yes, I know that's needy, but there were circumstances in which I felt very insecure for good reason).

When I'd ask something about "us" there were times he'd lose his temper, shouting and screaming at me. I'd try to calm him down and plead with him to stop. On a couple of occasions he then pulled up something that just made me snap and I slapped him across the face (one of these times was saying something derogatory about my then teen children, another time he was shouting and screaming, threatening to leave and I just saw red).

I know I shouldn't have slapped him across the face, but immediately that I did on both occasions he hit me back, much harder. The first time he split my lip in retaliation and the second time I was bruised for a week afterwards.

I said it was my fault because I slapped him first, so he was therefore the victim of physical abuse.

I know everything about this relationship was so very wrong and I'm not asking for opinions on that. I'm out of it now and it will stay that way.

I know I was wrong to slap him first. I saw red and it was a way of trying to defend myself whilst he was screaming at me and telling me he didn't care.

Is he right though? Was I the one being abusive by hitting him, or saying something which made him angry in the first place?

Please no judgements. I'm just struggling to process what has happened.

You are both to blame and both are abusive. But you got physical first. You could have walked away. And you say its more than once.

So yes if you are prepared to dish it out then expect it back too. Him being a man and you being a women doesnt make you a victim when you hit him first.

People shouldnt hit each other. But I always say to my children they should never ever hit out unless someone hits them first.

I think youre focusing on the wrong thing here OP. You are a domestic abuser and feel that you may be abusive to future partners. It is really important that that becomes your focus. You need to confront your behaviour and address it before starting a new relationship. Do you have children?

I don't advocate hitting to my DD, I have however told her that if she shouldn't be surprised if she gets hit back.

Out of interest, would your response have been the same if OP had said her DP hit her first and she hit him back? Or would you have said he provoked it? He shouldn't have hit her first etc etc Well done OP for standing up for yourself?

Yes. If you slap me you better be ready for me to hit you back, and my DD would do the exact same.
We're not turning the other cheek for you to hit that as well.

No my advice would be if someone hits you to get the hell out of there. As the OP's ex had the opportunity to do, but instead choose to punch back harder.

I don’t think it’s always clear cut, but if you’re prepared to react by getting physical with someone I don’t think you can be surprised if they get physical back. Regarding the whole size / power difference, that’s so subjective to each situation. If you’re hitting someone because you’re frustrated, angry, can’t express your emotions and need that physical release that’s very different to hitting someone to get them out of your way if you are physically trapped and need to escape in self defense. I think it’s toxic to teach people that men can never hit women, no one should be hitting anyone - especially not to express emotions or anything like that.

Posters have already explained reactive abuse. Yet, people still come on to make out that OP was the abuser.

She slapped him after he was shouting verbal abuse in her face. Not ideal. He hit her back hard enough to bruise and injure her.

Thankfully, some people have clearly never witnessed an abusive man shouting and screaming verbal abuse at you, saying the most awful things over and over again in order to get a reaction so they can then gaslight you and make you into the bad one when you do indeed react. They push you to breaking point.

OP, you are not the bad one in this story.

Everything in this situation is toxic and abusive but shouting and screaming in your face is abusive so you could say he started it.

Hitting someone is never OK, but hitting someone back when they pose no physical threat to you and are considerably smaller and weaker than you is completely unacceptable.

sounds like you were both abusing each other and you are best off out of the relationship. Of course it is not ok to hit you back but in his mind you hitting first gave him permission.

Pretty much every male abuser claims 'reactive abuse'. 'Look what you've made me do now' 'I wouldn't have hit you if you didn't start the argument'. Obviously her abuse was a reaction, but her focus needs to be on developing better strategies to navigate these situations.

Sex is irrelevant here. No one should hit anyone.

Just because a male abuser claims reactive abuse doesn't mean it is. We're talking 'actual' reactive abuse.

You are also putting the blame back on the victim by saying it's the OP's lack of skills in dealing with verbal abuse that is to blame.

I’ll tell you the same thing I tell all my kids, the second you raise your hand to anyone all bets are off. You don’t get a pass because you’re a woman.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Maybe don't focus on if it was all him and focus on the damage you did to your children being in such a toxic relationship.

Abusive relationships are toxic, two people are caught up in very unhealthy behaviour. It's not unheard of for a victim to engage in abusive behaviour themselves in response to abuse.

Abusive relationships tend to be quite isolating and you lose sense of normality. You should have walked away before you got to smacking people, but by then boundaries have been eroded.

It's very common for victims to blame themselves because they're constantly being told that they're to blame. They often think that if they could find a magic formula, he'd stop abusing them. What makes it more difficult is that abusers can be very well liked.

You're responsible for your own behaviour OP and he was responsible for his.

You sound like a dangerous individual.

OP has said that she is at risk of reacting the same way in future relationships. She needs help, both to address her responses and to avoid getting into relationships with abusive men.

Er, what? Yes, that's EXACTLY the advice I give my child. To NEVER back down. Bullies don't understand any other language than violence, give them an inch and they'll take a mile. A bloody nose works so much faster than all the 'talking' in the world could. Personal experience.

Never start first, but hit back, always. Same for OP: don't want to get hit - keep your hands to yourself. He finished it, but YOU started it. He was abusive for shouting and ranting, but not for hitting you back.

I've never slapped my husband but I know that if I did, he would never hit me back. That feels important to me. In a misogynistic world, and when men are so much bigger, stronger and more vicious than women, and where the law does little to protect women, I think you'll have a safer life if you find a man who could never bring himself to hit a woman.

No it’s not ok but it’s no worse than you slapping him. You are as bad as each other, but the one who started the violence is worst.

It’s really not uncommon for abused women to seemingly provoke an incident of violence like this. Others have already commented on reactive abuse, which is a common manipulation tactic used by real abusers. There’s also deliberate provocation, where a victim recognises the signs that an episode of violence is imminent and so makes a conscious choice to trigger it, either to get it over and done with as the apprehension is too much to cope with, or to control the circumstances in a way that keeps themselves or others safe (e.g triggering it before the children get home so they don’t see it, or provoking the abuser while in a living room rather than a kitchen where they may be knives/boiling kettles, etc).

The above is irrespective of sex. What we do know is that when men are violent to women, it is 4x more likely to result in death and injury levels tend to be significantly higher - there is a clear disparity.

Equally, just because a female abuser claims reactive abuse doesn’t mean it is.

@SometimesCalmPerson yes I agree.

He was abusive for shouting and ranting, but not for hitting you back.

Two actions can be wrong. Her hitting him and him hitting her. Of course he was abusive for hitting her. It's a criminal offence to punch someone in the face, you don't get let off because someone hit you first.

Part of the cycle of abuse is the build up to abuse. A victim knows an episode of abuse is coming and sometimes instigates it to get it out of the way.

I'm sure the OP knew he'd hit her back and from the sounds of it, he was looking for an excuse.

At what point does one side back down then? After a bloody nose? After a black eye? After a knife has been pulled? Please let me know at what point you walk away in your world.
Walk away, unless you are unable, in which case it's self defence.