Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

He’s doing himself absolutely no favours if you’re documenting all of this nonsense.
You must be exhausted Op, hope you’ve got some support around you and are able go get a break from the dc occasionally.

His plan is also to ensure you don't ever have a Friday or Saturday night to go out.

"His plan is also to ensure you don't ever have a Friday or Saturday night to go out."

Almost correct. His plan is to ensure he always does.

He really is playing right in to your hands isn’t he.

Exactly this!

I have no idea. He is a very calculated and clever person so I feel he must think he has a few tricks up his sleeve to win this.

I am exhausted. I have no family support around me at all. My friends are kind and helpful but they have their own busy lives. I feel like I'm failing every day because I'm running on empty.

Look back from your first post Op and see how far you’ve come. You are finding strength from within yourself, despite what this a-hole is putting you through, and without any day to day support. You’re doing bloody brilliantly, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Have you thought about moving to be closer to family?

It really is exhausting fighting this. You have to just keep ploughing on. You will come to a point though when it is all over and it will just be a memory.

I’m not convinced that he realises he is proposing having the dcs from Sunday am to Tuesday am and Thursday am to Friday am. That is a lot of drop offs for childcare/school and days off work for illness. How flexible is his job?

He's put in his solicitor letter that his work is flexible, however, one of the whole reasons we find ourselves in this position was because he resented doing pick ups/drop offs etc. He is now only saying it because its convenient. He works 9-5 Monday to Friday and travels away with work regularly. He is in a regional sales role. He earns a lot of money and you definitely don't earn that kind of money only doing your core hours

@TheWarySwan

Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. He needs reminding that HE will be responsible for all the children's needs on his days. That includes school runs and childcare and just how does he think he's going to manage that when he's working away? Don't be afraid for your solicitor to ask his solicitor how he plans to cover all that. I assume his thinking (if he thinks at all) is that you will do all that AND cover for his work trips. He needs to understand that if he wants what he's insisting on he's going to have to figure that all out without your help. Hire a nanny? Friends and family? Stick to core hours?

Now I realize that in reality you'll probably want to have the children during his work trips but he doesn't need to know that.

I think he thinks it’s Sunday pm as in just before or after dinner so they stay overnight (to count for child support) then get dropped off at school in the morning so he doesn’t need to actually look after them. Then he gets the whole wknd to himself - as much of Sunday as he chooses, if he fancies having a night out on Saturday as well as Friday, or if he wants a woman to stay over. He’s an arsehole.

I feel like I'm failing every day because I'm running on empty.

No, OP. Yes you are exhausted and worn down, but failing? No, absolutely not.
You haven’t left your children.
You do the loving, caring, feeding.
You are holding your precious little unit together.

I think you’re absolutely incredible.

We are 100% behind you.

I feel like I'm failing every day because I'm running on empty

Flip your thinking around.

You are running on empty because you are not failing! You have stepped up and been an incredible Mother 24/7 - that is why you are exhausted. Because you are amazing.

You have found yourself in a really difficult time in your life, your ex has turned out to be a major disappointment, yet you have found the strength to carry on and to support those children single-handedly 24/7.

This time is hard. But it will pass and it will become bright again.

Update: his solicitor letter has landed. He is lying about how the father's day contact played out and making out I withdrew contact which I did not.

He doesn't accept my proposal and would invite me to mediation, and if that doesn't work, he will he applying to court for a child arrangements order for shared care.

@TheWarySwan it wants his weekend . You have offered and he rejected . This was via txt wasnt it. ?
Can I ask have you taken advice to use the contact app. Instead of dealing with this man ?
Deal with the solicitors don’t let him nee with your head any longer . You will be all the better for it .
He is not your friend .

@TheWarySwan your husband is displaying the script - my ex husband behaved the same way. He re-wrote history, created scenarios and and false narratives.. I was literally questioning my sanity!

I have since learned that this behaviour is common amongst those who cheat or have an affair partner, it’s how they justify and rationalise what they are doing, they make the injured party the villain.

I understand that you want to work on your marriage, I have been where you are, but once they create that distance, they are hoping that you will end things.
They don’t want to be seen as the bad guy- and the longer it takes for you to do get the ball rolling with separation/ divorce , the meaner and nastier he will treat you.

If the exchange wasn't in writing (text/email) or voicemail then right now while it's fresh, write down the exchange to the best of your recollection.

So, mediation it is. Remember to ask for shuttle mediation. And speak to your solicitor as to whether or not you'd be wise to get your application for child arrangements in first. You don't have to wait for him to file if it's to your advantage to get in there first.

Of course he's threatening to take the kids away - he wants you frightened and off balance.

He told me to cancel my CMS application as he would make an arrangement with me privately and would make sure not to 'screw me over'.

Yeah right. NOOOOOOOO don't go private. Go through the system.

Definitely keep everything through your solicitor. Nothing in private comms.

Also "I work in banking and I look at people's income and expenditure on a daily basis. I went back with the accurate figure of what needed to be covered. He came back to try to tell me my figure is incorrect and told me it's funny how I make a living doing what I do and I still can't get it right."
Yes he is trying to get you off balance, doubting your own judgement and keep you off balance. Stick with your solicitor and don't respond to any privates messages from him. And keep copies of any from him.

THIS ^ You don't fall for that BS.

Also ALL of this^. You are getting wonderful advice.
Perhaps he thinks his new gf will take on the role of mother?
Give him enough rope and let him hang himself.

This happened to me almost to the letter three years ago, to the extent that reading your updates is surreal. My ex also began the split by devaluing my contribution to the family, calling me controlling, being frightening, and demanding I not get a solicitor, then threatening all types of custody arrangements etc. Also he had an ex wife who he’d shafted in their divorce, painted as a witch to me, but who I later found out he’d been terrifyingly abusive to.

Lone parenting is exhausting and he is frustrating the plan around contact as another form of control. I’m sorry OP. You need to conserve energy for what is to come.

Mediation is not recommended in controlling situations he will just try and bully you, I think you need to be careful.

Yeah I don't really wish to mediate with him due to the abuse. I also can't really afford to go to court. I'm fed up of him trying to ruin me 😢