Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

It’s so clear he just wants his weekends for his fancy piece. Disgusting he has prioritised his new woman over his young DC. Let him take you to court, they will see you’re being fair. He may get 50-50 but the fact he hasn’t see his kids for a month says a lot and courts will see through him.

Keep detailed logs of your offers for contact with your children and his responses. Abusive men like your ex-husband often use child custody/access arrangements to continue their abuse. Please contact a domestic violence charities such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women for support and advice.

The barrister Charlotte Proudman has written a book called 'He Said, She Said' about how abusive spouses use family court to continue their abuse, often aided and abetted by Cafcass workers and family court judges.

@TheWarySwan remove all forms of communication other than a parenting app. This way all contact is logged and can be more clearly presented if you end up in court. It also takes away his control of randomly contacting you.

@TheWarySwan document the to-ing and fro-ing re Father’s day or he will be making silly accusations about not being allowed to see them. I’ve heard other posters mention a contact app for this kind of stuff - your way to show him for what he is, is to have an admin trail of contact which will show his true colours. Don’t be in direct contact. He is trying to intimidate you. He is banking on you weakening and giving in.

I approached him re father's day and he wouldn't commit to having them when I asked 4 times over. I then left it as it was clear the kids would be inconveniencing him too much. He messaged again to ask what time they'd need to be back but because he had made it abundantly clear that they weren't his priority, I just didn't reply at this point as the children deserve better. I would have happily made an arrangement for him to see them but there was way too much back and forth and being difficult.

You are doing so well - continue to not let him bully you. You and the kids will be fine - sad they’ve got an idiot for a dad.

You are really doing well. Trust your instincts, they've served you well so far.

As far as 'going to court', well, I think you knew that would happen all along. But I have a feeling a judge will order mediation before making a formal ruling. It may well be an exercise in futility but it may also serve to show how unreasonable he's being. Remember that you can ask for 'shuttle mediation' where you don't have to be in the same room with him if that is a concern of yours. You and he would be in separate rooms and the mediator would 'shuttle' between you.

Keep a diary of all your attempts at making the children available to him. And make screen shots of all messages/emails, especially the ones where he says no.

Talk to your solicitor now and see what they feel makes you appear as 'reasonable' as far as him seeing them. They may tell you to offer according to what you'd like to have (EOW etc) or they may tell you it's best to sit back and let him make the first move and ask for them. Talk also about what mediation will be like and how to best appear there as reasonable.

And don't be surprised if you hear that he is telling people that you're 'keeping his children away' from him. You know it's a lie. And remember also 'those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind'.

Just keep saving all the correspondence: your questions about him seeing the children, his failure to respond each and every time; his unreasonable demands; all of it. It builds a picture of him and it's not a good look.

I suggested EOW in full and one mid week overnight.
He suggested Monday night, Thursday night and Sundays.
My suggestion was eventually (after gradual build up) for 5/14 nights, whereas his situation would work out to be 6/14 nights. He intends to take me to court for the sake of one-night. His proposal requires a lot of upheaval for our young kids too.
It's just a power trip. I'm sick of it. I haven't been unreasonable so there is just no need

He suggested Monday night, Thursday night and Sundays.

Unless he works some mad shift pattern, this is just nuts.

I was taken to court continually by my gs's dad, as gs resided with us as gp carers. Back then he got legal aid. Not so available now.

I think before you get a hearing date you will have to do mediation. For me, his demand sounds disjointed and not in the children's best interests. What you have offered sounds like the court's usual stance and how it is likely to go.

He will have to pay the application fee. Let him crack on. Just be aware of mounting legal costs yourself. Could you self represent in a hearing? Dont be afraid of this in the early stages.

I know it's hard and I know you have hope that your marriage can be saved. However, he needs to have hope too and it seems he has lost it and has already checked out. The behaviour he is portraying towards you and the kids could end up scarring you if you end up separating anyways.
As challenging as it is, I would recommend leaving him while your self worth and self respect is still intact in the instance he has already moved on without your knowledge and is merely giving you false expectations that there's something to fix.
I am sorry. I wish you all the best.

Everything you have listed is identical to my wife’s behaviour over the last few months , after a bit of digging the truth was revelled and she had been visiting a guy at every opportunity she could get.

i feel sorry for her really but looking back i should of seen what she was really like only person she cares about is herself, its just a shame the children had to live in a very unhappy house while she was was messing around.

He suggested Monday night, Thursday night and Sundays

This is absolutely not in any child’s best interests. I can’t see how any judge/court would think this is suitable for a child. Constant backwards and forwards every week.

It is pure selfishness from your ex. He wants every Friday and Saturday night to go out with his mates or to date. Plus all day Saturday every week. When are you meant to have a life?

If he does push this at court you need to stress how he is putting his own selfish wants/needs above what is best for the child. And acting unfairly towards you.

Assume he is wanting them on Sunday nights too? Child maintenance is calculated on overnights so if he had them for only the day, it wouldn’t count.

Make sure that you point out to him that in his scenario he is having all day Monday and Thursday (and Sunday) as well as those nights. So he would be responsible for them during the day too if they could not attend child care due to illness/school holidays.

He would also be unable to have any weekends away.

Yes sorry if was unclear - his suggestion is Sundays from 10am overnight, Monday overnight and Thursday overnight every week.

It would mean I never get a full weekend with the kids.

His plan is completely self centred and I would be astounded if a judge would approve something that is quite clearly so self serving.

Yes the dipstick probably thinks he will only have to have them from 6pm Sundays 🙄

.

It always impresses me how utterly stupid these men are. Imagine boldly proposing an arrangement that screams I want to party at the weekend and have my ex do the bulk of labour around that. Either his solicitor is crap (result) or your ex is pig headed enough to ignore his solicitor.

So all day Sunday then he drops off at school Monday and collects Monday after school stay over and he takes to school again Tuesday morning and you op collect Tuesday from school, this is what he's asking for, because he does understand that involves drop offs and pick up from school for him, how will he fit this job in

It's so glaring obvious he is trying to wriggle out of weekends.

I'd also be getting your solicitor to query school hours, drop offs, pick ups, sick days and holiday arrangements for child care on "his" days.

@TheWarySwan

I was thinking about something and I don't know if it's something you need to consider seriously.

Under the law you are equal parents. What this means is that each of you has the ability 'keep' the DC. Do you think there would be a possibility that if he has DC, he would refuse to return them to you just to be an asshole?

If you think that's at all possible, you need to speak to your solicitor ASAP about drawing up a legally binding document (court order?) before visits start. I'm in the US so don't know the 'exacts' of UK law, but in the US failure to return the children when there is a court order is a crime and the person is subject to arrest and prosecution.

It sounds as if at this point the two of you aren't on the same page as far as a schedule goes, so maybe some language about returning DC can be incorporated into whatever agreement is reached. Of course it's a two way street, you'd be subject to the same rules should you want to refuse to let him have DC when it's 'his time'

Don’t cave in, stick to EOW as otherwise neither of you get a full weekend with kids. You’ve been very reasonable and deserve a medal for what he’s putting you through. Stay strong for what is right OP.

@TheWarySwan how much has he actually seen the dc since he left? Has he been consistent / turned up when he said he would etc? Anymore bad mouthing you infront of the kids?

I wouldn’t be surprised if this is actually all a ploy to be able to say he did everything to have his kids and you were unreasonable so he’s had to walk away. And he doesn’t actually take it to court.

I would be speaking to his ex to see if she’ll shed any light on actually what happened with his first dc, and what games he played there.

He hasn't seen the children since the 13th April, the time he told me he'd take my kids away from me in front of our daughter.

I insisted on arrangements being formalised instead of the sporadic contact whereby he was choosing to spend the time abusing me.

Since then we have been liaising via solicitors about making contact arrangements but he has been very slow at responding despite saying he is desperate to see the kids.

He will say I've stopped him from seeing the kids because I wanted a formal plan in place that is child focused and safe.