Suspect husband of cheating

[TheWarySwan]

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

• Glued to phone
• Avoiding me as much as possible
• Going to bed early
• Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
• Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
• He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
• Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
• Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

Sounds like textbook cheating, they totally switch off and are unrecognisable to the person you thought you knew

So, the opening salvo has been fired. Fine, let the battle commence. It's not unusual for someone to ask for the moon in the first letter. Start big then work from there. Add to that, he's 'instructing' his solicitor so they'll pretty much say whatever he tells them to say. The reality of what happens is up for negotiation or will be decided by a judge.

I don't remember if you've seen a solicitor, but if not, see one now. Show them the letter and see what they say. I'm sure they'll say what I and PPs have, that it's just the start and he's not going to get everything he asks for. And they'll probably advise you to ask for more than you really want for the same reason. To give you 'room' for bargaining.

You'll get through this. It isn't going to be easy or painless but you will get through it.

I’m guessing his previous wife didn’t use a solicitor and he bullied her into a less than fair deal for his kid and her.
You’ve pulled the rug by standing up to him and not letting him walk all over you. He thought he’d be able to just bully you into the same position as his ex, but he has underestimated you - he’s panicked and angry that he’s not going to walk away with significantly more than he’s entitled to.
Stick to your guns, you literally have nothing to lose and everything to gain financially.
He’s not your friend, he’s not going to make this easy, but now you’re seeing his true colours all your doing is protecting yourself. What an utter shit he is.

Just remember that a solicitor will write what they are told to. Doesn’t make it right or accurate.

I had proposed mid week overnight and EOW with overnights. He wants 3 nights a week, 2 in the week and every Sunday from 10am overnight. My solicitor very quickly picked up on the strange fact he doesn't want to spend a whole weekend with his kids and is conveniently trying to protect Friday nights and Saturday/Saturday nights...

It does sound like he could be seeing someone, that or he wants to go out on the pull. Me being me id push the weekend.

No - he needs to do EOW and you can have a life of your own.

So you don’t get a weekend to yourself? How convenient. It’s every other weekend & a night in the week which is best for children & adults.

This won't hold water for long. His complete lack of interest in his kids since he has left and the fact he has very little contact with his 1st child will work against him. As devastating as it is try to stay strong and don't let this get to you.

You need to have every other weekend so you can recover from the week and have a life of your own. He has indeed made a very strangely convenient request to suit his needs and so many week night stays will be disruptive for children. Do insist on every other weekend… mine are useful for cleaning, getting my hair done and seeming my partner / going out or just relaxing at home. Your ex wants everything his own way. Hopefully a reply from your solictor should put him straight. I am very glad you decided not to do what he suggested and work arrangements out between yourselves which really translates to doing what he wants!

It sounds a bit unsettling for the children? I think most advice would be that it’s less about what’s better for the parents and their lives (while I do get that this is in real terms important, and your happiness and mental health has a huge impact on the children), your suggestion sounds much more stable and less too-ing and fro-ing. If you consistently keep your main message as genuinely “what’s best for the children” I’d imagine most solicitors would be hard pushed to go after anything else.

His proposals are just all centred around him. It isn't fair for the kids to have to swap between houses mid weekend when they are having downtime after a busy week at school/nursery. He has put no thought whatsoever into what the kids need and what is best for them.

Yes, changing over mid-weekend is nuts! What child wants to up sticks on a Sunday morning? Plus you have no weekend nights child free, and him nosying around every Sunday morning, no thanks.

I know. Its almost as it he has put it together in such a way that does not allow me to have a life outside of being mum!

Of course he doesn't want you to have a life outside of your role as child-rearer / subservient woman. You will be expected to pick up all the slack and facilitate his new life.

He can piss right off.

My guess is, he is trying to hurt you and stop you having a life. Because if you have the children you can’t be dating. Because despite what he has done he wouldn’t like it. I was married to someone like this discreetly controlling. When I realised I couldn’t believe how long it took me to see it. Call the shots op. Also if he hasn’t seen the children for a month the court won’t believe he shares childcare around his job will they! In the long run he is going you a favour. You will come off better op!

I think it’s great your solicitor picked this up immediately- shows they are on the ball and looking after your interests- as they should.

yes typical abusive controlling behaviour. They always do that worn down the other person by making them feel small and at fault no matter what they do. Please don't believe this BS, I know it is easier said than done when there might be factors that influence the way you are able to process this. Distance yourself and seek help before he completely destroys your self worth and esteem. For yourself and for your children who will grow up traumatized if their mother is abused. It takes 2 adults to have a healthy relationship, both responsible to work through whatever is not going well. Simmering for a long time and then blaming you is not responsible adult behaviour, where is his responsibility in all of this? Stand up for yourself and your children and if you feel you are unable to, it is not your fault, please seek support. Sending you a warm hug for strength and puting an end to abuse.

Update:

My solicitor responded to his solicitor to reiterate that we feel a phased approach is appropriate and would still like to go ahead with one day overnight in the week and every other weekend. We explained the reasons why this is appropriate and the offer is reasonable.

It has been 2 weeks and no response yet, however, he decided to message me to tell me that his letter is going to say that they suggest taking it to court. Bear in mind this would only be the second letter he has sent and he is already wanting to take it to court! My solicitor has said this is very premature.

I feel it is a way to exert control yet again and threaten/intimidate me.

I messaged him one day to say our son is unwell and he didn't ask what is wrong with him or if he's OK. Our daughter had a very important consultant appointment during this time which he knew about, he didn't ask how it went. I approached him about father's day saying I was willing to arrange something outside of the formal arrangements. I explained the kids would be free in the morning as they have a party to go to in the afternoon. He said he wanted to take them out for dinner instead. I explained this isn't appropriate as they are 2 and 5 and need some downtime before school/nursery on Monday. The party doesn't finish until 5pm and they will have already eaten there. I asked him 3-4 times if he wanted to see them prior to this and he wouldn't answer the question. It is clear he had other plans on the morning and didn't want to have to change them.

I guess I'm hoping for some reassurance that if this goes to court, they they will see him for what he is? He has shown time and time again he doesn't care about the children and that it is all about hurting me.

@TheWarySwan he knows he is being un reasonable. This is why he goes to you directly instead of replying via a formal letter. .
He is still trying to bully you and manipulate everything for himself .
Next time don’t offer him Father’s Day . You don’t have to prove anything to anyone . You really don’t . You did it once he has messed you around don’t put yourself in that position again .

Court Dates take time and money and they can be lengthy depending on his expectations , Nobody is going to say oh he sees the kids once a fortnight give him full custody.
Id honestly go about my life enjoy my kids . Use the parenting app and anything else keep to the solicitors. You are trying to be reasonable and there is no point as this is not the kind of person who wants reasonable.

I can’t remember if I’ve suggested this already but please follow legally nik on insta. She’s a family law solicitor and gives lots of helpful guidance about how you to demonstrate to the court that someone’s suggestion (such as 50/50 care) isn’t appropriate.

Is it the days /times of the week he specified he wanted that he’s threatening to take you to court over, or because he wants more than 50/50?

If he isn’t seeing the children currently and you have evidence of you offering and him not responding it isn’t going to look good for him. I wouldn’t message him regarding the children. I would only communicate through email. This way you have evidence and can forward to the solicitor. It will take a long time to go to court and it would be in his best interests to show he is an involved father. If you were looking to share the load by messaging him (which you would have done when married) I think you need to realise he isn’t going to share.Choose a friend or family member to message regarding appointments/illness and the added stress in life. He isn’t who you thought op and this is the hardest part of a divorce I found.

Oh op this is a cat and mouse game , his solicitor will/ should advise not to go to court as he will lose,

Game playing this way he still has some control or power over you, don't play his games, if he msg you privately you know why, gray rock him op, your doing so well, he doesn't like it
Keep going op 💪

Easy for me to say but please try not to stress. I have been through the court procedure with my child dad. Your offer to him is entirely reasonable and the amount of contact he would likely get if he did go to court. He is trying to intimidate you and bully you and wants his own way. A morning meeting on Father’s Day is far more appropriate for children of this age than an evening dinner after a party. They will be over tired & have eaten by evening. There is a long long way to go before this would get to court. Mediation is always the first step anyway. You are offering suitable & sufficient contact to him. Keep any texts/emails regarding contact. Print them out so it is documented that you offered the morning. Keep being reasonable & keep your proof. I highly doubt he would be willing to spend the money on taking you to court anyway so ignore his threats. And worse case should he get as far as court the judge will see you have done your utmost to facilitate appropriate contact with him.