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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suspect husband of cheating

569 replies

TheWarySwan · 23/03/2025 22:04

Hi ladies,

My husband has recently expressed lots of dissatisfaction in our marriage. He has told me he is contemplating leaving and won't tell me where I stand. I agree with some of his reasons as to why he is unhappy, however, not all. The problems are all things that can be worked on if both sides make the effort. No cheating (on my part anyway).

Since he has told me all of this (2 months ago) his behaviour has changed COMPLETELY. He used to be the most kind, caring and compassionate person I knew. Now he is a complete stranger. New behaviour:

  • Glued to phone
  • Avoiding me as much as possible
  • Going to bed early
  • Going out on an evening late on to the gym or other.
  • Purposefully starting arguments with me to ensure distance.
  • He's totally changed how he is around me. He has no empathy, doesn't care if I'm upset, insults me, criticises me and is constantly punishing me for whatever he thinks I've done wrong in our marriage.
  • Constantly angry, irritable and impatient.
  • Less patient than normal with our young children.

I can understand some of his new behaviours could be as a result of the position we find ourself in within our marriage, but I can't shake the feeling that he could be being unfaithful. It feels as though he is being mean to me to keep me at arms length for a reason.

I'm just looking for opinions or if anybody has been in a similar position before? He's currently making me feel as though all of the problems within our marriage are my fault and that's why he is being the way he is with me. I am not convinced.

Any advice appreciated.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Hobbiestwriter · 17/05/2025 13:23

Take him to the fucking cleaners OP.

Im not suprised he doesn't want to involve lawyers, he wants to decide what he gives you. You might be entitled to 50% of everything, including his pension. Get his pension valued, if its a lot you might be able to keep the house.

He's not going to do right be his kids, just like he didnt do right by his 1st. Make sure you get what you deserve to give them a good life.

you will look back on this and be relieved you are rid of him!

Horses7 · 17/05/2025 13:58

None of this is your fault, he’s found another woman and is making you feel it’s all your fault. DO NOT LET HIM MAKE YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS ON YOU! He’s horrible and he’s trying to blame you, probably because he knows how awful he’s being.
Stay strong for your children - you can get through this!

MumWifeOther · 17/05/2025 14:18

Tell him f* off. That’s really your only hope in him sorting himself out and having a bit of respect. If he doesn’t, then you have to just accept it’s over and you deserve more!

JHound · 17/05/2025 14:18

TheWarySwan · 27/04/2025 11:59

I can't decide. I feel as though because he left his son from a previous marriage, that he will be more driven and determined to make sure he doesn't make the same mistake twice. I feel he is ashamed of what had happened. I'm not sure he'd let it happen again.

He said he fell out of love with his previous wife after one year of marriage as she became someone he wasn't attracted to anymore. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and have babies. He likes a woman more driven and career focused. Which I am finding bizarre given that he has crucified me for concentrating on my job, and not devoting more to family life (in his eyes). It seems nobody will be good enough for him.

Does he have any contact with his son from his first marriage?

S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 14:35

Tell him all future contact will be via solicitor or parenting app then block him on everything else.
Note everything. He isn't seeing his kids so how will he manage 50/50?
Don't let him intimidate you.
Have you contacted Womens Aid or similar?

Nousernamesleftatall · 17/05/2025 15:00

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Your ex sounds like a complete psychopath.

hotpotlover · 17/05/2025 15:02

What a nasty prick

commonsense61 · 17/05/2025 15:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 17/05/2025 15:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

He’s already long gone. OP has been advised not to investigate cheating any further as it’s upsetting for her.
He hasn’t given any background to his unhappiness he’s just been an abusive idiot and then left.
OP has been totally brave and a brilliant mum.

Ohnobackagain · 17/05/2025 15:24

@TheWarySwan I have read all your posts and from the start I thought he is just trying to control you but won’t want the kids really - and here we are, that seems to be the case. He is not remotely reasonable. He is the controlling one hence the ‘don’t make any plans’ texts and the last minute requests re kids. I would not want to make a private agreement with him, it’s all about stopping you getting what you’re entitled to. Maybe your solicitor can go for the ‘you and kids stay in the family home and sell and divide profits later’ route if stbx is on £150k plus. Don’t let him intimidate you.

Maia77 · 17/05/2025 16:17

Typical abuser using gaslighting, intimidation, humiliation and so on to erode your self-esteem and break you. Stay strong, you haven't caused any of this.

Sheepsheeps · 17/05/2025 16:56

Sorry i haven't had time to read all of the posts so apologies if this has been mention already. If you feel threatened by his behaviour in any way, have you thought about a non- molestation order? Very easy to issue from the policy and will legally stop him approaching you or the children if he has a history of being abusive.
Also, you can apply to the CMS at any point so don't believe his BS about being amicable.
The fact that he hasn't had any contact for a month will really go well in your favour if you attend court.
In my experience, unless you are both reasonable and amicable, an informal arrangement never works so a child court arrangement order would be better for longterm stability. It's a long way off but see if you can get drop offs and collections at a neutral location. This really helps.
So sorry you're going through all this xx

commonsense61 · 17/05/2025 18:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 18/05/2025 07:19

He has no contact whatsoever with his child from his previous marriage. He also does not pay his ex wife the correct maintenance amount, not even close.

His family have not been in touch with me since any of this happened. They haven't reached out to see if I'm OK or to see the children or anything. It is clear that he has probably fed them a pack of lies and they believe him. His dad cheated on his mum when him and his sister were little. His mum was a single mum and raised them on her own. I would have thought she'd have maybe empathised and reached out to see if I need any help, especially given my family all live 4+ hours away. Nothing. Not a word.

OP posts:
rayofhope75 · 18/05/2025 07:44

Really feel for you OP but was it never a red flag to you that he had no contact with his child from his first marriage. Surely this must’ve made you question his character before you had your own children with him.

Hobbiestwriter · 18/05/2025 07:47

TheWarySwan · 18/05/2025 07:19

He has no contact whatsoever with his child from his previous marriage. He also does not pay his ex wife the correct maintenance amount, not even close.

His family have not been in touch with me since any of this happened. They haven't reached out to see if I'm OK or to see the children or anything. It is clear that he has probably fed them a pack of lies and they believe him. His dad cheated on his mum when him and his sister were little. His mum was a single mum and raised them on her own. I would have thought she'd have maybe empathised and reached out to see if I need any help, especially given my family all live 4+ hours away. Nothing. Not a word.

Edited

Well don't let him do this to you! G through CMS and lawyers, keep everything formal.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 18/05/2025 08:12

He is very manipulative and he lied to me about the situation with his previous wife/child and made himself look like the good guy. Hindsight is a great thing.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 18/05/2025 09:12

TheWarySwan · 18/05/2025 08:12

He is very manipulative and he lied to me about the situation with his previous wife/child and made himself look like the good guy. Hindsight is a great thing.

Unfortunately you've learned this the hard way, but ALWAYS question a man who doesn't see his kids and isnt doing everything in his power to change that.

How did he convince you that him not paying anywhere near enough maintenance was him being 'the good guy'?

JHound · 18/05/2025 11:13

TheWarySwan · 18/05/2025 07:19

He has no contact whatsoever with his child from his previous marriage. He also does not pay his ex wife the correct maintenance amount, not even close.

His family have not been in touch with me since any of this happened. They haven't reached out to see if I'm OK or to see the children or anything. It is clear that he has probably fed them a pack of lies and they believe him. His dad cheated on his mum when him and his sister were little. His mum was a single mum and raised them on her own. I would have thought she'd have maybe empathised and reached out to see if I need any help, especially given my family all live 4+ hours away. Nothing. Not a word.

Edited

Aha.

Ok I was wondering how an affair could prompt this dramatic shift in behaviour but it seems like this behaviour is simply a fundamental part of his character.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/05/2025 14:21

@TheWarySwan

His mum was a single mum and raised them on her own. I would have thought she'd have maybe empathised and reached out to see if I need any help

You'd think so wouldn't you? But his family circling the wagons isn't surprising. It's pretty common because he's 'family' and you no longer are. And they probably see him as their more 'secure' pathway to seeing your children, although given his past performance as a father, you'd wonder why. BTW, do they see his child from his first marriage?

His dad cheated on his mum when him and his sister were little.

The apple never falls far from the tree.

Hindsight is a great thing.

It certainly is. But that doesn't mean you can't use that hindsight now. Take some time to think now about his past behaviour. Little 'niggles' that you've dismissed, things that perhaps puzzled you. You may see patterns emerge that will be valuable information for this road you're on.

Original poster
TheWarySwan · 20/05/2025 21:39

Update: the letter from his solicitor has landed and it feels like he is emotionally abusing me via a third party.

The letter is unnecessarily aggressive, accusatory and full of lies. The letter describes him as the main carer of the children and belittles my contributions as their mother. His proposals for child contact are ridiculous and self-serving also.

OP posts:
BillyBoe46 · 20/05/2025 22:00

His solicitor acts for him. They will write whatever he tells them to write. He's paying them.

FarFromtheMadders · 20/05/2025 22:01

Oh @TheWarySwan what a twat he is.
Although it’s very impressive to be the primary carer for kids he hasn’t seen in 17 days, nor is paying a reasonable contribution to the bills of the home they’re actually living in. More of a metaphysical main carer than a real life one.
How are you feeling? 🌼

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/05/2025 22:02

Brace yourself. This is the opening salvo of how the divorce will go. Men like your DH are so used to getting their own way that they become enraged when you stop complying.

His solicitor will be following your DH's instructions.

Remember that divorce lawyers do this every day for a living, and the bottom line is they don't really give a toss about all the upset caused by their clients. They're just pushing paper around and doing their job.

Yes, it is another form of continuing abuse when the marriage is broken down.

My advice to you is this: try to grow a thick skin and always give yourself lots of time to calm down before responding to any of this shit. Divorce is a horrible business.

schtompy · 20/05/2025 22:03

Don't take the letter personally, this seems to be a typical response. I had the same, minimal contribution to the marriage, despite bringing up the children till school age, then working around and doing everything else, your solicitor will deal with it, don't let it get to you.

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