Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

[DearBee]

We have a young DD (toddler).

The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences.

DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!).

I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever.

I feel like this is a massive betrayal.

I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh.

He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else.

I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

I do think this. He seems somehow relieved. Obviously time will tell.

It’s very telling how deeply ingrained control and moral corruption are in this family.
• Your sister-in-law is staying married to a convicted pedophile (who on earth does that?).
• Another sister knows it’s wrong but still socialises with him with her own children.
• Your DH knows and stays silent because he’s been told to—despite having a DD
• Your MIL has ordered everyone to keep quiet, and she herself is a predator.

What stands out most is that the person being protected isn’t even a full-blood relative—it’s your brother-in-law. That suggests a family dynamic where twisted values and a fear of reputational damage run deep. The fact that MIL embraced and shields someone like him is no coincidence—it speaks to shared beliefs and behaviours.

Even though DH likely knows this is wrong, his inability to speak up, even to protect his own child, shows how deeply conditioned he is. He needs therapy to unpack this, and complete no-contact with his family to rebuild his own moral foundation.

I’m also curious—why is your FIL out of the picture? Did he leave because he knew about MIL’s tendencies - so does he have a stronger moral compass? Or is he hiding his own dark secrets?

This is an incredibly difficult situation, @DearBee. You need to see what DH does next, but both of you will need support to navigate this.

I wouldn’t take anything he says as the truth now about anything at all unless you’ve also had a direct, first person conversation with whoever is involved.

He has willingly and repeatedly socialised with someone he knows fantasises about raping children. He has brought his child to those social occasions.

I couldn’t even look at him for doing this without my knowledge.

FIL is an alcoholic. It's complicated, DH has some very difficult memories of him. That is something the family are also keen to hush up. He is painted as the devil incarnate but... I'm not so sure. Not saying he's a nice guy either but two sides to every story and all that. MIL has hardly shown herself to be a good person either.

Of course her child was at risk!

The BIL has not just fantasised about abusing children, he has paid for someone else to abuse children so that he can buy/ access images of that abuse to masturbate to.

Many of these men who use these images will go on to abuse real children in real life themselves.

None of it is fantasy, it’s real.

I’m sure you know this but I wanted to point out that real children are harmed .

One of the reasons that men like this are excused by others is that they convince themselves that it was just a “ thought crime “ and no one one actually hurt , what he does in the privacy of his own home is his business. And , most importantly, that he would NEVER ACT IT OUT. Therefore people like the Op are “ over reacting “ .

You can apply to their local police under Sarah's law and make their force aware that he's having contact with children.

Updates:

They are refusing to delete photos despite DH requesting. They have actually said no. I don't know where to go with this but obviously... no more photos. DH has agreed.

Other SIL doesn't want her kids to know (they are older) for... reasons? I am not sure what possible reason she could have. Keeping up the family image?

I have seen messages re: both the above.

So disgusted with them all. Imagine prioritising the comfort of adults above the actual safety of children.

I think DH is starting to see some things he should have seen long ago.

In some ways, OP, this makes it easier to draw red lines.

The photo refusal simply shows that your child will never ever be safe with any of the in-laws . You can never ever have your Dc at a family party or event or meeting because someone will take family photos.

They have put THEMSELVES into a no-contact situation.

This is going to be a shocking and tough time for your DH.

He might baulk at attending therapy as a condition of marriage but I would be reminding him that you have been put into a position you didn’t choose or ask for either.

Therapy isn’t a punishment, it’s professional support for him to learn how to process and understand the upbringing he had, and he to shift his strengths to a healthier place.

Meanwhile I would start researching your legal options wrt his access to your child if you separate. Because I doubt he has the strength to stand up to his family alone.

I really hope the shock of the messages brings him an epiphany. His sister and Mum clearly have no respect for him, or care or sensitivity.

Other SIL doesn't want her kids to know (they are older) for... reasons? I am not sure what possible reason she could have. Keeping up the family image?

Aaah, I've met women like this. It's because they're "protecting" their children. They think that if they don't TELL them about the bad stuff, it can't impact them.

But she's already let her children down. How many photos of them does this man have as they've grown up? Does she have any idea what he might have done with those photos? I am not one of those paranoid people who hates photos on facebook for example in case a paedophile sees them, but actively engaging with someone known to engage with child pornography is really very disturbing.

And of course, often in these situations, the excuse is, "well, it was technically child pornography but actually it was 16 year olds...." which is, of course, a bullshit excuse but also, you'd think, even more reason to be cautious with slightly older children.

Does this SIL's DH or the child's father know about this man?

Going completely 'no contact' with DH's entire family is the only reasonable response to this. The refusal to delete photos is quite sinister, particularly with the context of your BIL's type of offending, where images of CSA can be manipulated.

You probably all need some family therapy with an expert in counselling the victims/family of child sex offenders.

How? They live hundreds of miles away and the child was never left alone with him.

Children have been abused in crowded rooms, sitting on a relative’s knee, huddled under a blanket, hiding behind a curtain while playing hide a seek, in a corridor when the child goes to the toilet.

pedophiles are very practiced at taking any opportunity. It’s not a risk I would ever take.

To think that these vile people walk among us...

I said I think OPs husband didn't put his child at risk.

well he sure as shit didn't safeguard his child by allowing and even facilitating them being in the same room as a sex offender

I know - and I am arguing there is always some risk when you allow children to be in the company of a pedophile. Particularly when not all adults know they need to be highly vigilant about any contact, and any photography.

It is very naive to think children are 100% safe just because other people are in the room. Particularly when it’s a relaxed family gathering, adults are distracted, kids playing.

This man’s sister is also putting her children at risk.

Are SIL DC older as in adult children now? They definitely need to know as what if they have children?

They won't delete them and they clearly don't believe they have done anything wrong.

You have been so level headed throughout this, its really admirable. Hopefully you can inform SS/police or whoever needs to know just in case. It just seems awful that any contact even supervised is allowed but I am not surprised, my friends DDs were abused by her husband (not the DDs dad, but her DSs dad) but the courts still insisted once he was released from prison he was allowed supervised access with her DS but at leadst it was properly supervised, your SIL is allowing free acess really as its not formally supervised. Its horrific, as if he wanted anything to do with him after what he had done to his sisters.

Thank you for saying so - I don't feel level-headed at all, I'm all over the place.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's children. Absolutely shocking that he was then allowed contact with their half-sibling.

The children I am talking about are older than mine but nowhere near grown up at all. Preteens. Which I think is exactly the sort of age they become a different kind of vulnerable as they are probably less heavily supervised and also starting to do stuff like walk to school alone. They could conceivably see him without their parents, etc.

That's so tricky with their ages, its potentially something the police/SS/NSPCC can give advice about I guess.

Clumsy wording on my part perhaps. I absolutely agree.

From a safeguarding perspective those cousins deserve to know. It’s utterly irresponsible- but to be honest if it’s out in the public domain then I’m surprised they wouldn’t find out. So better family tell them?

I wouldn’t hold back on saying delete all photos of the DD or we’ll tell the cousins as well.

Id be an alcoholic too once i realised id married a twisted pedo like MIL

Id also be saying delete the pictures or EVERYONE will find out about the family secret
Then still tell anyway - f*ck them and their secret, their image