Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

[DearBee]

We have a young DD (toddler).

The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences.

DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!).

I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever.

I feel like this is a massive betrayal.

I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh.

He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else.

I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

Your last paragraph. This is what upsets and disturbs me the most. And the answer is... I just don't know.

Edit: now your second to last paragraph. The fact that he never actually told me.

Re: other SIL who takes her kids round. It's at this point I start feeling mad and like I am overreacting.

But I know I am not. I do know that.

I actually really liked her and now I don't know what to think.

Check in person that she knows. There have been too many lies.

Also check this isn’t in violation of his probation. Someone needs to protect those children.

you are not over reacting. This is a dangerous man. He has sown the world who he is - believe him. He is not safe to be around. Children. Why would you ever take that risk. He is disgusting - why would even adults want to be in the same room as him?

We keep cross posting don't we, OP?

On the face of it DH's comments about cutting off the family who've collaborated in this sound positive, but (forgive my cynicism) I can't help wondering if this is just a knee jerk response to realising what he has to lose

Probably therapy would help him, but it worries me that there are now three things you'll have to monitor ... is he hiding anything else, has he booked (and attended) the therapy, and has he really cut off his controlling family or will he still be in touch and hide that from you too?

She does know. DH gave me his phone to look through. It's in their messages from the time (I did a search through for his name). She's saying how disgusted she is etc, but her actions are different as she's definitely still seeing him. I can only presume she is wanting to be normal with her mum and sister but... I feel like the balance of priorities is wrong there.

Sigh... yes. I know. This is one of the big issues here. Aside from the safety of my daughter and the other family kids which is paramount. I don't know how to feel safe in my relationship anymore. Not in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense.

Edited: not sighing at you, of course. Just the situation.

I don't blame you in the least OP, but though it won't be about the other SIL now I still think there's an "experiment" to be had here - only this time it's about the rest he's willingly said he'll cut off

Frankly I find that very unlikely, especially when he's allowed them to have such a hold on him before, but if he does go back on it - even for a short encounter which he "didn't tell you about because he didn't think it mattered" - you'll instantly know exactly how much his assurances are worth

And encourage you to and your child.
Why has he chosen to protect his sister husband and risk his child?
Its unforgivable.

How awful for you.

Have you been told is your DC is at risk? My sister was told that her step FIL had been caught speaking to an underage girl. Bizarrely, her MIL stuck by him. MIL is still allowed to see her kids but never, ever with step FIL.

Her SIL does allow step FIL to see her young son. She says they’ve been told there is no risk to any of the grandkids (three young boys) so she’s happy to let him continue to see her son. Absolutely baffling to me and my sister but it’s how she justifies it to herself.

Why is your DH cutting off his mother? How is this her fault?

This doesn't feel right OP. Be really careful.

Alarm bells are ringing for me. It all feels a bit easy given the lie and when people deceive and then suddenly start saying all the right things - it smacks of manipulation and more lies.

Your senses are telling you something is off. Something is weird. Something doesn't make sense. Believe it.

The MIL who turns a blind eye. The sister who lives with a pedophile. The brother who lies to his wife. The BIL parents who send gifts....and the husband who when a lie unravels has an epiphany and says all the right things.

I'm not telling you whether to stay or leave your marriage but I think there's something more to this that you still don't know.

Brace for impact OP, I don't think this is over yet.

I feel like you're being 'managed' and 'placated' with all the things you want to hear. Where's the fight OP? Where's the - but it's my sister, it's my Mum - I don't agree with it but they're my family. Where's the negotiated boundaries? Where's the compromise - would it be ok if I still saw my Mum by myself - sort of thing? He's lied to you for this long but now he's prepared to entirely cut off his family - all very fast? If it was that easy - why didn't he do that before? Why did he hide it from you?

He might be scared to lose you more but what you write that he said, sounds insincere to me.

I have a horrible feeling in 12 months you'll find out he's been seeing them all along.

Well I’d be massively disappointed in my husband still wanting to be in a sibling relationship with that massive child abusing prick. Who would NEVER be allowed to step foot in my house in my presence or the presence of my child. And I would be happy to loudly announce to all and sundry why if ever questioned about it.

I totally understand why you're angry and if I was in your shoes I think I'd have hit the roof. I don't want to come across as defending your husband but I just thought it might be worth adding that the fact his entire family still socialise with this man and allow him around children which shows they have a very wrong perspective of these types of people and sometimes this continues generationally until the person who becomes the 'black sheep' puts their foot down and that person is usually ostracized even if others eventually agree with them and usually it's a daughter or daughter in law who is this person.
People in families like this don't rock the boat because they know they will likely be cast out of be treated poorly, it's possible your husband thought he was doing what he needed to do to keep your kids safe while having a relationship with his family (not saying this was the right choice - it clearly wasn't).
If he's willing to take steps to deal with his struggles to set boundaries and actually follows through then I would try to rebuild trust. The trust you had before will probably not come back but over time and him taking action you could build a new trust.

I really feel for you OP. This is a horrible situation to be in.
I would seek support from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation.
https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

@Kinut "Why is your DH cutting off his mother? How is this her fault?"

Because it was his Dear Mother who told him not to tell his own wife, the mother of his child about it. She is absolutely at fault here, the deception, deceit, the lies, just abhorrent.

I would cut him some slack, as long as our child has never been at risk. I

He’s a grown man. He could and should have said no (if it’s true).

There is a frightening naivety on this thread about child sex offenders. Children can and have been abused when their parents are in the room. Children are always at risk when in the presence of a pedophile.

OP didn’t know this man was a clear threat - so how would she know her daughter couldn’t sit on his knee, be tickled by him, hide behind a curtain, nip to the toilet etc etc. ask any expert - offending takes place in these situations all the time.

there needs to be better education on how to protect children and what can happen. People are incredibly naive - this child was at risk - all children in the presence of this man are at risk:

im just saying that if our child has always been safe, I’d probably be trying to understand his behaviour and find a resolution .

Agree!

This is clearly a man who does the bidding of the loudest voice in the room. It was his mother before, and you think it's you now, but you don't know who else has his ear.

He's a fundamentally dishonest and weak man and was willing to put his own little child at risk to keep himself in his mother's good graces.

Oh god. This hits home. 'A man who does the bidding of the loudest voice in the room.'

I do feel really on edge.

One thing is - I will know if he sees them. They live four hours away - it's not even really a day trip.

But I do feel like something is wrong, yes... aside from the obvious.

You said the child had never been at risk. I am simply saying the child was at risk. Because OP’ husband d hid the fact that this man was a pedophile and allowed the child to be in his presence. She was at risk every second she was in a room with him.

My male best friend’s adopted brother is a convicted paedophile. He was devastated, but completely open about it. My friend is my children’s godfather. He would never not have told me and put my children at risk.

In your situation I think relationship counselling is the only solution, so DH can start to under the gravity of what he has done by concealing BIL’s crimes and proclivities.

Bestie’s brother was first convicted late teens and has been in and out of prison for the same offences ever since. It’s very hard for those offenders to stop those thoughts and behaviours. Sending hugs, OP. Xx

I just want to say thank you so much to you all for your comments - it's been so helpful and thought-provoking for me to read them.

Also those of you who have shared your experiences. I'm really sorry to hear about some of the awful things that should never have happened.

This.