Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

[DearBee]

We have a young DD (toddler).

The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences.

DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!).

I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever.

I feel like this is a massive betrayal.

I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh.

He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else.

I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

He did not put his child at risk.

I stopped MIL's ex from being in the same building as my DD when I found out about his behaviour with teen girls, I always suspected but was treated as if I was the problem.
Even if he never touched her I didn't even want him looking at her, I stopped sending MIL photos as well. She has no photos of DD from around 10 upwards.
She has left him now (but not because he is a perv) and I will never feel the sameway about her. We used to be close but she isn't the person I thought she was. I feel betrayed by all of DH family
So, even if OP's child has never been in actual danger of being abused the situation is still awful.

Do you not think a small child in a room with a pedophile is at risk?

Do you think offending can only happen when a child is alone with the offender?

@DearBee read your first post and WOW now I have read all your posts it’s unreal .
I would be divorcing. .
Id be seeking legal advice to see where
you stand on your child being with their father if you separated. I’d ask a lawyer about the BIL and if he is breaking conditions being around your Dd.
I think you’re going to have to blew this family apart to keep your Dd safe.

Your “h”did this the father of the child he is ment to protect.

I am so angry for you.

apparently his mother used to behave inappropriately towards one of his friends when DH was a teenager - so much so that the boy's parents got involved. They were 14. I feel like I have opened the gates of hell with this family

It doesn't surprise me that this has come to light. I had a feeling that there was a reason why his mother wasn't taking the situation with her son in law seriously enough, and why she asked her son not to tell you about it.

I'm sorry OP, but I don't think you should allow your daughter to be alone with anyone that side of the family.

If you feel up to it @DearBee , I’d consider asking your husband if he was ever subject to inappropriate behaviour / anything that made him feel uncomfortable from an adult when he was a child or teenager . Id NOT use the word “ abuse “.

and that even if he doesn't want to tell you, he should I think about speaking to a counsellor about it.

Thank you all, I am reading your messages.

I am really troubled by what I have heard about his mum when he was a teen. Even though I am angry with him, I do also feel sorry for him, he looked wretched when he told me.

I know my own family are far from perfect but... I didn't grow up with stuff like that.

It's not an 'excuse' for his choices here, but maybe a part of the explanation.

@StrawberryDream24 he was still living in his hometown when we met - we were long-distance. So I guess your point still stands - I didn't know the area and wouldn't have heard the local gossip. He moved away to live with me and in all honesty his mother doesn't approve of that either.

I totally take the point that it would have felt almost impossible to tell me. I have sent him the links posted on this thread for families of child abusers and he has been reading. I think he genuinely thought he could keep DD safe with other adults around. Apparently my other SIL was told by the police he should have no 'unsupervised' contact with children. Obviously I think DH should have gone much further, I think that is bare minimum basic safety and no child should be socialising with a child sex offender in a family context because of the message that sends that is he 'safe' (as others have raised on this thread). I think he has been spectacularly naive.

I glad I know now. But I can't respect him for not telling me himself. I can't move past that at the moment.

Of course he did. What if OP's DH had gone to the toilet and OP, completely unaware that her BIL was a convicted sex offender, left her daughter alone with him for a couple of minutes while she popped into the kitchen to make a drink?

How on earth can you categorically and confidently state that OP's DH letting his own small daughter socialise with a convicted sex offender while keeping his wife in the dark so she doesn't know that she needs to be extra vigilant is not putting her at risk?

I think in all honesty, it's a large family, these are large family gatherings and the chances of him being able to be alone with a toddler at such occasions is slim. I am still absolutely not ok with what has happened.

The sting in the tail is... nobody can rely on the rest of the family providing any level of protection as it turns out my MIL likes teenage boys, my SIL is ok being married to a man who... does terrible things. I can't trust any of them. It's not like I could even say well he's awful but everyone else will keep an eye on the situation.

I wouldn't have my daughter in his presence anyway. Full stop. But I also don't want her around SIL and MIL either. And I am not sure about the others, so I can't trust them either.

The issue for me is that even this man looking at my child would be a problem for me and the possibility that he has photos
Also this family have shown that they are unable and unwilling to safeguard children, this was my issue with DH's family - if they would minimise one thing what else would they try and sweep under the carpet?
I do actually feel sorry for your DH, he has grown up in this and its normal for him. It wasn't until I (as an outsider) could see things that DH couldn't in his family that he realised how wrong things were. When everyone around you thinks black is white it takes a lot to challenge that, even if you feel that its not true

OP, large family gatherings are no protection.

Games, rough and tumble, picking up a fallen child, giving a piggy back, a child sat on a knee or sat close on a sofa are all known hiding in plain sight for abusive touching.

Good analysis: and makes the OP complicit in something she didn’t even know existed.

This is how manipulative these unsafe families are.

And OP, your DH has been emotionally manipulated so didn’t see it.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.

Op, the new info about the mother does not surprise me at all. It was becoming increasingly clear that the family dynamics are fucked up and that the moat likely result is that all sorts of inappropriate, illegal, abusive behaviours have been normalised.

None of this let's your dh off the hook but it does make me wonder if he is also a victim. Even if it's only that he has not been taught what normal healthy family dynamics look like. I think the counselling process might be more intense and need to go further.

I'm interested also in the dad. I can imagine two extremes - he was WORSE ans set the dynamic up originally. Or, he saw it for what it was but couldn't do anything so left. Neither is great.

Yep.

And what if the op was sharing photos online or in print with her MIL and he got access through SM or took a photo of a photo while in the house.

Or at some point the op let her child go to the SIL or MIL's house with her h, and the h didn't watch his bil like a hawk the entire time. Maybe left them alone with the MIL; and then SIL and h called by.

Or what if the child, when older, encountered the BIL alone. Or, more realistically because they're in a different area; accepted contact from the BIL online.

When everyone around you thinks black is white it takes a lot to challenge that, even if you feel that its not true

There's challenging it with his mother and sister, then there's covering it up and lying about it to his wife and mother of his child (with whom he wouldn't have to challenge anything).

He could have "teamed" with her, his like partner & co parent, and they could have worked out their approach together (no contact, contact without bil present, contact with him present but both sets of eyes on him again all times etc).

He didn't.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Please request a Sarah's Law check on the BIL, because who knows that they are telling the whole truth and about convictions and restrictions.

Did your DH's father leave MIL because of her behaviour with the teen boy?

I think your DH needs some individual therapy as well as you having couples therapy together.

I realise he is weak, and lacking in integrity, and his priorities are seriously skewed

And those are the things which may well kill it no matter what he does now, OP

Unfortunately this wasn't some one-off mistake; it's who he is, and perhaps worst of all he took your choices from you for the sake of what suited him

Therapy can do a lot, but what will he prioritise if he breaks contact and they start spinning the lines "Mum's suicidal and do you really want this on your conscience?", "So-and-so being investigated for (insert dread disease) and needs to see you" and the rest ... you and DD or a lifetime's conditioning?

Yes he'll boo-hoo now his longstanding deceit's costing him and only you can decide if this is likely to lead to anything positive, but while you're doing it remember that "carrying on regardless" is the family's MO and anything short of decisive action may well be seen as capitulation

God help you OP.
How absolutely devastating.
You do not have to rush to make any quick decisions as you live so far away.
I feel very sad for you.
To find out he is such a weak man who has lied by ommission and absolutely risked your daughter is truly shocking.

I think you need therapy to figure this out.
I would bet that you can try your hardest, but a breach of trust like this is so bad, so fundamental to his lack of character, that you will never feel the same about him again.

For me I would get over infidelity way before this.
Nothing in my life would be more important than my childrens safety.

He's not a bad man, but he's not a good man, and he is certainly not a trustworthy one.
Wishing you well.

I have indeed found something else out and have been wondering whether to write this but - apparently his mother used to behave inappropriately towards one of his friends when DH was a teenager - so much so that the boy's parents got involved. They were 14. I feel like I have opened the gates of hell with this family.

Ewww, the whole family is cooked
Either pedos themselves or pedo protectors
Im so sorry

Look, if you ever need an alibi, you were totally at my place in Aus

So your husbands sister stayed married to a child sex offender. Says it all about three family. Zero shame. Leave.

Do you think your dh is ok with the idea of cutting off his family? As in, now he’s a parent and looking back on his mothers inappropriate behaviour towards his friend and everyone’s reaction to BILs conviction etc he’s actually glad of it all being out in the open ans he’s “allowed” to cut them off?

posters saying you need couples therapy are right, but he may well need personal therapy too.

today tell him if there’s anything else he wants to talk about, not just “my wife should know” stuff like this but “this memory makes me unhappy /now I’m a parent seems really off” you’re going to listen.

Also, other SIL knows, but does her DP?

Have you and DH done wills? Write a letter to go with yours that states if you both die, DD is not to be placed with any of her fathers family and clearly state why not.

once dd is school aged, schools need to be told MIL is to have no contact and why.

Some worthwhile suggestions there, FancyBiscuitsLevel; I don't know if a warning about the family would be effective, but it's certainly worth trying

It's also interesting that the DH initially picked a long distance relationship, and while of course people do this all the time it's hard not to wonder if there were some aspects of that - like there being almost no chance of OP knowing the family - which suited all too well

This is a really good point. Is there a second parent in the picture for your nieces and do they know the situation?

DH says his other BIL (so their dad) knows. I suppose I will take that as the truth.

I will have a look into the will situation asap.