Page 7 | Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

DearBee · 2025-03-22T09:41:36+00:00

We have a young DD (toddler). The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences. DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!). I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever. I feel like this is a massive betrayal. I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh. He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else. I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/03/2025 21:59

Best post yet, @Kate240, and especially the bit about the swap to "saying all the right things" being likely manipulation

Gymnopedie · 22/03/2025 23:28

I can understand him not telling you at the beginning, although I don't agree with it. But the minute he knew you were pregnant he should have told you. Not to do so was disgusting. He got his priorities very badly wrong, put his mother, BIL and the rest of the family before his unborn child.

I'm not sure I could forgive him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 23/03/2025 00:35

Gymnopedie · 22/03/2025 23:28

I can understand him not telling you at the beginning, although I don't agree with it. But the minute he knew you were pregnant he should have told you. Not to do so was disgusting. He got his priorities very badly wrong, put his mother, BIL and the rest of the family before his unborn child.

I'm not sure I could forgive him.

Even then is late though, to put that on a pregnant woman?

She should have been told when they were dating. Then they would have had time to have the discussion as to how they approach it if they ever got married and had children. Make sure they were on the same page, as if they weren't she'd have had the chance to end the relationship. Being pregnant, she's already tied to his family.

My ex told me his grandfather was an incestuous paedophile within the first few months of dating. I was utterly appalled, but my then BF had been NC with him as soon as he was told what his grandfather had done, years previously.

hehehesorry · 23/03/2025 01:24

Your husband is really stupid and should be ashamed of himself, have my first LTB. It only takes a minute for something to happen and pedophiles are sneaky predators and act as such. It's unfortunate you can't leave him without him having contact with your children, imo if he's still talking to his brother after knowing what he did he's just a step above his brother himself. Imagine if he made a new friend down the pub and introduced him as pedo paul, him being a brother doesn't make a difference. Sex offenders should be cut off and ostracised by anyone who is a somewhat decent person. If you can, try and convince your husband to cut off contact with that disgusting piece of dirt. Don't listen to any bullshit "I just talked to a teenager who said she was 18!!" it's a common sex offender strategy to mask a sex offence.

ETA - a minute alone is more than enough considering they were online offences. Pedophiles trade photos with each other in order to have access to an "in" circle, which makes it even more worrying he's in the same house as your child.

WaryHiker · 23/03/2025 03:34

m00rfarm · 22/03/2025 10:01

When would have been the right time to tell you? When he met you? When he proposed? When you got married? When you got pregnant? When you gave birth? - the longer he has left it the more difficult a conversation it was going to be. Yes, he should have told you. But I understand why he didn't. He did not want to be defined by what his brother is, and now he realises that he should have told you and may suffer the consequences. I don't think I would advise you to leave him. And you can tell him you understand WHY it was difficult for him to tell you - but he must never, EVER keep anything from you again.

Yes, all of those times would have been the correct time to tell her.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 23/03/2025 04:38

you need to consider why he was ashamed to tell you. This is also a reflection on the state of the communication between you.

Simple - he selfish
He knew there was a good chance she would walk - rightly so, she was robbed of this informed consent.

As time went on, he was willing to put his kid in danger to protect the family secret
Its got nothing to do with communication between them, just him selfishly putting his families dirty secret above everything else - inc his childs safety

Ineedcoffee2021 · 23/03/2025 04:41

Gymnopedie · 22/03/2025 23:28

I can understand him not telling you at the beginning, although I don't agree with it. But the minute he knew you were pregnant he should have told you. Not to do so was disgusting. He got his priorities very badly wrong, put his mother, BIL and the rest of the family before his unborn child.

I'm not sure I could forgive him.

No - he robbed her of informed consent
he knew what risks his family brring and he allowed her to get trapped

Original poster

DearBee · 23/03/2025 06:44

I just can't process it and my feelings aren't getting any easier... I know it's early days. I have woken up early and haven't been able to get back to sleep. He's lying next to me asleep but I feel like he is a stranger. I don't know who I have married because I thought we were honest with each other. I am stunned that he kept this from me and now I genuinely don't know what else he is capable of deceiving me over.

Sorry if this sounds self-indulgent, I am just really trying to consider if and how I can ever trust him again. I think we will have to go to couples' therapy as so many of you have suggested. I have a real need to understand why he would jeopardise his family (DD's safety and second to that, his marriage to me) over this. What has led him to keep this awful secret?

And I realise he is weak, and lacking in integrity, and his priorities are seriously skewed.

I have indeed found something else out and have been wondering whether to write this but - apparently his mother used to behave inappropriately towards one of his friends when DH was a teenager - so much so that the boy's parents got involved. They were 14. I feel like I have opened the gates of hell with this family.

Oh and I haven't mentioned my FIL. He and MIL got divorced when DH was a teen and DH is largely estranged from him but recently has had some limited contact. I don't think he is at all involved with this and likely doesn't know as DH's sister won't speak to him at all - she's very close with their mother.

I am bracing myself for more, as a very wise poster wrote upthread.

OP posts:

Bellyblueboy · 23/03/2025 06:53

@DearBee I am so sorry. That’s is a lot to process both about your husband and his family.

there are a lot of red flags about this group of people. You now know they aren’t safe. You also know your husband has had a complicated childhood and has a different value set than you.

This is such a mess, whether you decide to stay with him or not you both need counseling. Him especially. He needs to understand why he didn’t protect his daughter. He needs to be a better father.

Novotelchok · 23/03/2025 06:54

So your husband didn't tell you - someone else did. I would be very concerned that your other sister in law doesn't know either or has been lied to about details.

I'd also look into whether social media companies will delete photos of your child held on in-laws accounts (ie photos on facebook)

I'd inform the police as BIL might be in breach of restrictions.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/03/2025 07:28

Gymnopedie · 22/03/2025 23:28

I can understand him not telling you at the beginning, although I don't agree with it. But the minute he knew you were pregnant he should have told you. Not to do so was disgusting. He got his priorities very badly wrong, put his mother, BIL and the rest of the family before his unborn child.

I'm not sure I could forgive him.

Even telling her the minute he knew she was pregnant was too late. He should have told her as soon as they started dating at which point she would have had a choice whether to continue the relationship before she was emotionally invested. At the very least he should have told her before they started trying to conceive.

He has put his relationship with his paedophile BIL, his sister and his mum above that of his wife and has put his own child in danger.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 08:16

It all feels a bit easy given the lie and when people deceive and then suddenly start saying all the right things - it smacks of manipulation and more lies.

Yeah, he's now going to completely cut off and have zero contact with his Mum and sister - for how long?

Sounds more like "I'll say all the things she wants to hear" at the minute.

Your h seems to roll over like a submissive dog no matter what.

"Don't tell anyone about your bil" .....
"Ok, Mum".

"How could you have hidden this from me?"
"I'm so sorry wife, I don't know what I'm doing, I'll cut them all off immediately. Go zero contact".

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 08:21

apparently his mother used to behave inappropriately towards one of his friends when DH was a teenager - so much so that the boy's parents got involved. They were 14

That must have been really significant for the teenager to report it to his parents and for this parents to have gotten involved.

Most teenagers are like "wherever ..." about stuff, and 20 (?) years ago - people weren't as aware of & didn't react to inappropriate behaviour the way we are now.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 08:26

Op, the problem is, you are probably not going to get supervised contact only (for your child with their father) if you split

Because it seems like even when their own fathers have been terrible to.them, SS only does supervised contact for a certain time period ...and then allows unsupervised contact.

And while they are quite far away, you still wouldn't know if he took your child to them, or had them to visit.

So you are stuck with him until your child is significantly older and you can rely on them (not that that is always possible) to understand the situation and report everything.

As you have also identified yourself; you are going to have to try to set up measures for if something happened to you .... You'll need legal advice on that. Because surely a child's care/residence would always default to their parent.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 08:34

I have a real need to understand why he would jeopardise his family (DD's safety and second to that, his marriage to me) over this. What has led him to keep this awful secret?

He has a mother who came onto his 14 yr old friends - to the point where his parents got involved.

Id say she's an "interesting" character and she has raised him.

Notable also that his sister has stayed with a man convicted of using images of child sex abuse ...even though she doesn't even share kids with him and it could have been a relatively easy, clean getaway.

His Mummy told him not to tell anyone, including his partner, about his bil; so he didn't.

He's unassertive, lacks personal integrity, ok with lying to his life partner, he goes along to get along etc.
You can get him into counselling but I would have my doubts about how much that can change his character.

You're probably going to have to stick it out til your child's older. I would then get rid tbh.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 08:42

Did he move away from his local area?

Is that why the Mum and rest of the family are quite a distance from you?

You have to consider that that was to get away from people who know his family and their reputation, in order to find a partner who knew nothing about them.
Because people talk; people would gossip about his Mum's behaviour, and they would most definitely talk about his bil's conviction.
That's a taint on that family, even though he's not personally involved.

He's kind of played anyone he got into a serious relationship with as a dupe.
You are asking why he'd keep it secret - it's possibly not just pressure from his Mum and sister, it's about self interest.

Because the second he told a prospective partner about his bil (and his Mum) many women would probably be put off marrying into that family/having a family with him etc.
But, after a woman was tied in, they were unlikely to leave. He was willing to lie by omission as long as he could, as long as it got him a wife & family.

Letmecallyouback · 23/03/2025 08:54

I think there’s a real risk here of blaming your husband for the way his family are but he didn’t choose them. I think I’d be too ashamed to tell anyone if my family were like this. OP, if this was your BIL and mum would you honestly have had that conversation with your husband the day you first met him? It’s unlikely anyone would have told someone they’d only just met something like this. Oh by the way my brother in law is a peedo and my mum tried it on with my mate when he was 14. How does anyone have that conversation? When is there ever a right time? Nobody is going to have that conversation on a first date. They are going to want to distance themselves from it. Which leaves the question of when is the right time as has already been raised. When he proposed? When you got pregnant? When for you would have been the right time? I honestly can understand why he didn’t know how the heck to tell you or when. There isn’t a right time and I think at least try to put yourself in that position. Would he blame you for the way your BIL or mum are if something like this went on in your family and you committed the henious crime of just not knowing how or when to tell him? I just don’t think there ever was going to be a right time and for that I do understand his dilemma. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? What do you suppose would have been his greatest fear if he did tell you? That you might leave him for not telling you? He couldn’t really win with this in that respect because that’s exactly what you are now considering doing, in which case all that really does is justify to him that he was right not telling you in the first place. All I would say is he was in an impossible situation. Try to put yourself in that position before making any rash decisions. You probably would have found it equally difficult knowing what to do. Your husband isn’t the peedo here and he isn’t responsible for his mums behaviour when he was a child. I think it’s a bit unfair people saying he put his child at risk. Thus was clearly a no win situation for him and you’re probably reacting exactly the way he was afraid you would.

Letmecallyouback · 23/03/2025 08:55

Bloody hell sorry that was long 😱

Bellyblueboy · 23/03/2025 08:58

Letmecallyouback · 23/03/2025 08:54

I think there’s a real risk here of blaming your husband for the way his family are but he didn’t choose them. I think I’d be too ashamed to tell anyone if my family were like this. OP, if this was your BIL and mum would you honestly have had that conversation with your husband the day you first met him? It’s unlikely anyone would have told someone they’d only just met something like this. Oh by the way my brother in law is a peedo and my mum tried it on with my mate when he was 14. How does anyone have that conversation? When is there ever a right time? Nobody is going to have that conversation on a first date. They are going to want to distance themselves from it. Which leaves the question of when is the right time as has already been raised. When he proposed? When you got pregnant? When for you would have been the right time? I honestly can understand why he didn’t know how the heck to tell you or when. There isn’t a right time and I think at least try to put yourself in that position. Would he blame you for the way your BIL or mum are if something like this went on in your family and you committed the henious crime of just not knowing how or when to tell him? I just don’t think there ever was going to be a right time and for that I do understand his dilemma. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? What do you suppose would have been his greatest fear if he did tell you? That you might leave him for not telling you? He couldn’t really win with this in that respect because that’s exactly what you are now considering doing, in which case all that really does is justify to him that he was right not telling you in the first place. All I would say is he was in an impossible situation. Try to put yourself in that position before making any rash decisions. You probably would have found it equally difficult knowing what to do. Your husband isn’t the peedo here and he isn’t responsible for his mums behaviour when he was a child. I think it’s a bit unfair people saying he put his child at risk. Thus was clearly a no win situation for him and you’re probably reacting exactly the way he was afraid you would.

Edited

First of all, please familiarise yourself with paragraphs
😂.

Secondly, he didn’t hide an embarrassing childhood anecdote. Or an unpopular political belief. He hid child abuse. When he has a child.

Please don’t monies who these people are and how dangerous they are to be around a child.

This family would rather put children in danger than let people know their shameful secrets.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 23/03/2025 09:00

I would be requesting a Sarah's law disclosure on anyone from his birth family who you/he plan on keeping in touch with.

Hollietree · 23/03/2025 09:03

Letmecallyouback · 23/03/2025 08:54

I think there’s a real risk here of blaming your husband for the way his family are but he didn’t choose them. I think I’d be too ashamed to tell anyone if my family were like this. OP, if this was your BIL and mum would you honestly have had that conversation with your husband the day you first met him? It’s unlikely anyone would have told someone they’d only just met something like this. Oh by the way my brother in law is a peedo and my mum tried it on with my mate when he was 14. How does anyone have that conversation? When is there ever a right time? Nobody is going to have that conversation on a first date. They are going to want to distance themselves from it. Which leaves the question of when is the right time as has already been raised. When he proposed? When you got pregnant? When for you would have been the right time? I honestly can understand why he didn’t know how the heck to tell you or when. There isn’t a right time and I think at least try to put yourself in that position. Would he blame you for the way your BIL or mum are if something like this went on in your family and you committed the henious crime of just not knowing how or when to tell him? I just don’t think there ever was going to be a right time and for that I do understand his dilemma. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? What do you suppose would have been his greatest fear if he did tell you? That you might leave him for not telling you? He couldn’t really win with this in that respect because that’s exactly what you are now considering doing, in which case all that really does is justify to him that he was right not telling you in the first place. All I would say is he was in an impossible situation. Try to put yourself in that position before making any rash decisions. You probably would have found it equally difficult knowing what to do. Your husband isn’t the peedo here and he isn’t responsible for his mums behaviour when he was a child. I think it’s a bit unfair people saying he put his child at risk. Thus was clearly a no win situation for him and you’re probably reacting exactly the way he was afraid you would.

Edited

Whilst I do agree with what you have said……. And I do feel a little sorry for the husband…..

The moment he allowed his child to be in the same building as a known paedophile he absolutely crossed the line into wildly unreasonable behaviour. Risky behaviour. Choosing to risk the safety of his own child, in order to protect himself and the secrets he has helped to hide.

S0CKPUPPET · 23/03/2025 09:09

I just can't process it and my feelings aren't getting any easier... I know it's early days. I have woken up early and haven't been able to get back to sleep. He's lying next to me asleep but I feel like he is a stranger. I don't know who I have married because I thought we were honest with each other. I am stunned that he kept this from me and now I genuinely don't know what else he is capable of deceiving me over
Sorry if this sounds self-indulgent, I am just really trying to consider if and how I can ever trust him again. I think we will have to go to couples' therapy as so many of you have suggested. I have a real need to understand why he would jeopardise his family (DD's safety and second to that, his marriage to me) over this. What has led him to keep this awful secret?

I just wanted to say that I undertand that feeling very well. During my marriage I found out that my husband of 10 years had lied to me about some Very Big Issues (very different issues from yours, I won’t way what they are as I don’t want to derail ).

I remember that feeling of shock exactly as you describe it - looking at him and wondering who he was, that I man I loved and thought I knew was gone and he would never come back. I felt my husband had been abducted and there was some alien or dupe in his place , that he looked and sounded like my husband but wasn’t actually him at all. Everything had changed and yet nothing had changed - I felt as if I was going mad.

I started digging and needless to say, a lot more lies came out. The lies , oh the lies and deceit were the worst thing he did. Because it completely undermined my trust in him and I eventually realised that for me there was no way back.

In our case , it was a whole web of lies, our whole marriage was built on deceit at so many level , he had lied about almost everything. It’s not just I couldn’t trust him, I couldn’t trust ME. Because I’m the fool who married him and had 3 kids with him. I’m the fool who didn’t see any of the red flags , who didn’t investigate when I should have because I trusted him . ,

I tried to make it work for years for the sake of the kids but it was dead in the water. He didn’t stop lying and cheating and stealing - if anything he doubled down. In the end I divorced him and during the divorce a great deal more lies and deceptions were revealed . Which was horrible and shocking but at least I know I’d done the right thing to leave . I only wish I’d done it 10 years sooner.

Im so sorry for what you are going through right now @DearBee

thepariscrimefiles · 23/03/2025 09:12

Letmecallyouback · 23/03/2025 08:54

I think there’s a real risk here of blaming your husband for the way his family are but he didn’t choose them. I think I’d be too ashamed to tell anyone if my family were like this. OP, if this was your BIL and mum would you honestly have had that conversation with your husband the day you first met him? It’s unlikely anyone would have told someone they’d only just met something like this. Oh by the way my brother in law is a peedo and my mum tried it on with my mate when he was 14. How does anyone have that conversation? When is there ever a right time? Nobody is going to have that conversation on a first date. They are going to want to distance themselves from it. Which leaves the question of when is the right time as has already been raised. When he proposed? When you got pregnant? When for you would have been the right time? I honestly can understand why he didn’t know how the heck to tell you or when. There isn’t a right time and I think at least try to put yourself in that position. Would he blame you for the way your BIL or mum are if something like this went on in your family and you committed the henious crime of just not knowing how or when to tell him? I just don’t think there ever was going to be a right time and for that I do understand his dilemma. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? What do you suppose would have been his greatest fear if he did tell you? That you might leave him for not telling you? He couldn’t really win with this in that respect because that’s exactly what you are now considering doing, in which case all that really does is justify to him that he was right not telling you in the first place. All I would say is he was in an impossible situation. Try to put yourself in that position before making any rash decisions. You probably would have found it equally difficult knowing what to do. Your husband isn’t the peedo here and he isn’t responsible for his mums behaviour when he was a child. I think it’s a bit unfair people saying he put his child at risk. Thus was clearly a no win situation for him and you’re probably reacting exactly the way he was afraid you would.

Edited

He did put his child at risk. That is the truth so it's not unfair to say it. At the very least, if he didn't want to tell OP about his paedophile BIL, his enabling sister and his sexually inappropriate mum, he could have stopped socialising with these people and just said that they didn't have a close relationship. He did absolutely nothing to protect his daughter and that would be relationship ending for me.

OP found out about this from a friend so her DH would have continued enabling his BIL to be in the company of his young daughter if OP hadn't confronted him.

Yes, it's obviously awful for OP's DH to have such a dreadful family which includes a child sex offender and a mum who was sexually inappropriate with his teenage friends, but that doesn't excuse his failure to ensure that his daughter was safe. He's not guilty of the crime, but is definitely guilty of the cover-up.

CarrieOnComplaining · 23/03/2025 09:27

OP, I am also chilled that BIL’s parents sent your baby a gift.

Why would they think it possible or positive or correct to build any sort of communication with an extended family member with a baby?

Given what you have found about his Mum it seems likely that your DH has been exposed to very unhealthy behaviours and does not even know that he has been damaged.

His mother is clearly not a safe person, his sister, daughter of the same mother, clearly has no understanding of healthy boundaries or behaviour to have stayed.

At 14 and with his Dad gone he had little choice but to stay with a Mum who caused trauma and humiliation like that. Young people often cannot bear to believe that they are in such an unsafe situation that they tell themselves that the person they have to depend on is safe.

I am not saying your DH is an abuser himself, but a victim.

I would want to know a lot more about why the Dad left and why your SIL does not speak to him. And I would assume he is innocent or unknowing in any of this. Though if he is he probably knows a lot more.

StrawberryDream24 · 23/03/2025 09:33

Why would they think it possible or positive or correct to build any sort of communication with an extended family member with a baby?

It's probably some type of appreciation that their son, and by proxy they, haven't been ostracised by he and the op.

They see the op's h as on their side and a good guy. (They probably see both op and him like that if they don't know he's kept it secret from her).

They're also probably trying to forge family connections and good-will, given the position they are in with their son's behaviour.