Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

[DearBee]

We have a young DD (toddler).

The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences.

DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!).

I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever.

I feel like this is a massive betrayal.

I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh.

He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else.

I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

OP I come from a family that sweep under the rug, the result was me being left alone with a known child predator and he did what child predators do when left alone with kids. As a result I have struggled all my life with depression, anxiety and Complex PTSD. When I found out as an adult that adults in my family knew what this man was capable of and never intervened the only explanation they provided was "they didn't like to say". That's it "didn't like to say", when presented with an opportunity to protect a child from a known predator they just didn't.

Please protect your child, your DH thinking is fucked honestly, the idea that your child was supervised around this guy so they were safe is also fucked, as your DC is not always going to be 2 years old under your supervision, at some point they are going to 13 years old and out with their mates waiting for a bus in the rain and their is good old uncle Creepy offering a life, so what's the harm? Your DH has make this guy a "safe person" to your DC by being in social situations with him. There are a million and one ways this guy could take an opportunity around your child or your child's friend in the future, don't let him, don't make him a familiar "safe" person to your DC.

Im sorry if you felt thats what I'm implying. I didnt mean that.

If he is being honest about being ashamed then that is something he needs to work on and how he can be open and honest with you. That's for him to work on.

I don't know how you are and you've not said. All I'm saying is that the communication needs to be there and the feeling unable to talk needs to be gone. If it's unaddressed then there's a risk that another thing ends up being unsaid.

Please don't teach your child that she has to be careful around BIL. That's a huge responsibility for a child, telling them that someone innthe family has committed a horrible act towards a child and then explaining that they'll have to see them anyways, even if at supervised family events..

I'd make it clear to husband that you won't ever let BIL into the house and you won't ever take your child to any family gathering where he's attending. It only takes a few minutes or even less than that to sexually abuse a child. Other people may be in the general area but that doesn't necessarily fully prevent it

Your husband should really take a hard look at himself if he's comfortable with them being around each other. Shame on him.

Absolutely this..

Thank you. I completely agree re: communication being essential. It's had such an impact that for whatever reason, he hadn't told me.

Please don’t listen to @Whyherewego.

there is nothing excuse for your husband not telling you there is a pedophile in his family. There is nothing which excuses for him allowing his child to be in a pedophile’s company.

Do not allow anyone to gaslight you into thinking he would have told you had you been ‘more approachable’ or ‘less judgmental’ or anything else.

don't allow anyone to diminish the crimes of the pedophile, or the damage people do by sweeping it under the carpet.

For MIL, she may well have thought that expressing disgust at BIL would lose SIL and didn’t want her isolated. But to keep it from you once you were marrying in and planning a family was unforgivable.

You need to have the argument, and spell it out she’s now not someone you can trust to keep your child safe so she’s not getting to have a standard grandmother relationship with her dgc.

Oh OP, I am sorry you're in this situation.

Only you know if you can get past it or not. Counselling with your husband may be beneficial. But I'd also consider how you feel about the relationship with the rest of his family.

Personally, I'm not sure I could trust any of them again and would never feel comfortable leaving my DC with any of them without me there.

He should have told you before you moved in together and had children.

I would leave him.

His family are crackers. There hiding a monster within their family and pretending it’s ok.

say you’re in work one day and he has dad duties, decides to visit his mum and leave baby with her while he nips to the shop. Her daughter and her husband pay her a visit. Boom your baby is left without either of you and accessible by a predator.

its just a massive no from me. What kind of family hides this and thinks its ok.

what do your family think? I’d be so angry he allowed you to get pregnant knowing his BIL is a sex offender. You will never ever ever be able to relax now, no family day outs, no family holidays, special occasions won’t be happening.

run with her as fast as you can. Vile disgusting behaviour

A child is always at risk when in the vicinity of a child sex offender!

I would be absolutely fuming. Not just at him, but at everyone who knew and let my child be around a nonce. You are right to be angry. I would probably want to take some time away and talk it over with a trusted person.

As has been mentioned upthread request disclosure under Sarah's Law from your local police. Tell them he has had contact with children of the family including your DD.

Once you have had disclosure of his conviction then you can decide your long term plans.

Trigger : CSA

Your H betrayed your trust and jepodised his own childs safety. He has protected his BIL and his family status quo over his child. That's unforgivable. As a father, his priority should always be the welfare of his child above everyone. Be very careful moving forward. Having a relationship with BIL, calling him uncle is telling your child that he's a safe adult. I wouldn't share pictures. I wouldn't have him or his relatives on social media. I would also do pantasaurus with your child and talk about the pants rule.

I'm a victim of CSA from a close relative. He sexually assaulted 3 of us aged 2 - 4. In spite of other relatives being told it was hushed up and he went on to rape 2 other (a bit older) cousins. The police were never involved because the parents didn't want to tarnish the family name. They protected the family name above us as children. I was also still forced to see him at family functions. I'm 46 and I still jump awake whenever someone walks into my room when I'm asleep. It damaged my MH, has impacted my relationships, I felt damaged and worthless. I wouldn't wish the pain and damage on my worst enemy. I certainly wouldn't take risks with my own child.

Ye gods..

This is a seriously fucked up family.

You need to play your cards extremely well here. You need to create a file of evidence to show that H's family must not have access to your child under any circumstances, at any age.

Ask H to tell you the specifics of the crime BIL was found guilty of. If he refuses or says he doesn't know, or lies, take note.

Do a Sarah's Law search to verify.
Consider informing police that the family of this predator have shown themselves willing to circle the wagons around him.
Definitely tell the other SIL.

It is time to blow this thing wide open.

Request in writing (text or email) the return of all physical photos (and all copies) of your child in the possession of all H's family members.
Request in writing that all photos of your child on all their electronic devices be permanently deleted.
Give a deadline of one week for return of the physical photos and 24 hours for removal of photos from devices including remote storage, cloud, etc.

The response to this will be very telling. Take notes and save the notes. Note your H's response to your action.

Tell H that therapy in good faith on his part is a condition for you to stay together. Tell him the two of you are going to do couples therapy.

Decide guardianship of your child and both of you need to take out life insurance. The guardian should be one of your family. The beneficiary of the life insurance should be that person. The person should be warned about H's family.

Tell H he needs to:
1 Fully accept and acknowledge that BIL is a danger to children.

2 Commit wholeheartedly and with enthusiasm to putting his child's safety above all other considerations including the feelings of his family members and ongoing relationships with his family members.

...or he will find himself divorced and he will only have supervised access to his child at a contact centre.

You are essentially requiring your H to nail his colours to the mast. You are entirely reasonable to do this. If he baulks, remind him what he stands to lose.

And why on earth is your SIL still married to
him???

I did read it. It was awful.
‘communication breakdown’?? Are you a politician?
The op’s husband deliberately hid information which could put children in danger.
A communication breakdown is when someone forget to put the bins out.

Some families do close ranks around this sort of thing and it takes a lot to be the only one not toeing the party line.
I have been there with DH's family and I ended up being the one "causing trouble"
After a while you do start to question your sanity and wonder if you are the one with the problem.
I am not excusing your OP, he should have told you and let you make the choice about keeping your DC away from this man and even for you to be in the same room as him.

This is all types of fucked up! She told her son not to tell you because she knew you would have a problem with your child being in the same room as a paedophile. What a messed up family!

You know what I see here? If they were willing to hide this fact from you, they would also hide anything abusive he did to your kid. That would also be brushed under the rug because it ruins their "image". That is most likely why they didn't want you to know, so he could get his jollies by having access to your child under the guise of 'family functions' though he is not supposed to be around minor children. I'd look into his exact charges and restrictions if I were you. I'd want to know FROM THE LAW exact facts of the case. Millions of men are pedos yet few are caught and even fewer convicted. That means his crime was egregious and there was substantiative evidence that could not be denied. Yet your husband and his family wanted you and your child to be unaware of this.

I would go scorched earth on the lot of them and forbid them from ever seeing my kid again until she was an adult.

My thoughts exctly, SharpLily, and this isn't even a member of the direct family but a creature one of them married

I could just about understand the SIL staying with him if they had kids and she wanted to control his access to them, but since they (thankfully) don't have any it beats the hell out of me why she's still there

So none of your DH's family are in the slightest bit concerned about his sister remaining married to a convicted sex offender and they are all happy to socialise with him and collude to keep this information secret from you when you have a daughter?

I'd go no contact with the whole lot of them.

Basically... yes. I'm not quite sure how they have been managing to... you know, sit round a Christmas dinner table with him. It's mind-boggling to me.

Also this guy's PARENTS (who I haven't met, neither has DD but DH has) sent DD a birthday present. I thought that was so sweet at the time, but now I find it seriously weird. It's like a complete collective denial, as though it hasn't happened.

You're quite right. I'm awful

I'll delete my post

(DD) has cousins who do still have contact (from my other sister in law) and I don't know what on earth to say about that but I am worried

Does this other SIL know about the sick crimes, @DearBee? Because if not I'd be informing her without delay, and to hell with what the rest of the family thought about that

You mentioned that "(DH) said he knows how horribly wrong he was, it became a bigger secret the longer he left it", but given that you had to find this out from someone else do you honestly trust that he does know how wrong it is, or is he just paying lip service because his covering up has been found out?

Edited to add it would also be instructive to see what your DH thought about you telling the other SIL; in fact it might almost be seen in the light of an experiment which would show whether he's now going to prioritise tthe children or his family's wish to hide it all

Edited again because I've just seen your post saying the other SIL does know - and must be utterly mad to expose her DCs to this creature at all

Update (as DH is now home from work):

Apparently SIL with kids knows, and still takes her kids round there but never leaves them alone with him. Obviously I find that an odd and disturbing choice. I don't know if the kids know, they're a bit older now (like 10/12).

DH has told me he is cutting off BIL, SIL and MIL and says he has no excuses, he was unequivocally wrong to have kept this from me. He has asked what he can do to make things right (I am really not sure) and said he will seek therapy for himself to work on why he's done this. He says he doesn't want to be that person, he has let DD down and me, and he doesn't want to be like them. He has blocked them on socials. He has told me he doesn't really send photos to them via WhatsApp etc (certainly not BIL) and has shown me his phone and that is true.

Still not sure how I feel, but it's a start and he isn't minimising at this point, for sure.