Husband didn't tell me his BIL is a convicted child sex offender

[DearBee]

We have a young DD (toddler).

The conviction was a few years ago- shortly before we met. DH said he was too ashamed to tell me. Online child sex offences.

DD has been in his (BIL) company occasionally - never alone - at family occasions. DH has said he would never put her at risk. Apparently he is not allowed unsupervised contact with children (obviously!).

I feel like I had a right to know given I am her mother. I would have wanted to make a different decision, and would not have allowed DD in his company at all - ever.

I feel like this is a massive betrayal.

I am reconsidering our marriage, tbh.

He never actually told me the truth - I found out from someone else.

I don't know what I am looking for from this thread. I just feel so betrayed and don't know if/how I can trust him again.

I wouldn’t want my child around a woman who stayed with someone they know is a child sex offender either. And the fact your husband kept this from you… my marriage would be over. And he’s now put you in the impossible situation where he’s made your relationship untenable but also put you in a position where if you end it you have less control over your child being exposed to a paedophile and paedophile apologists.

Unforgivable.

I wouldn't want to see either of them again, to be honest.

Does DH understand that his sister chooses to have sex with a man she knows fantasises about children being raped? How he can view her as a safe person for your child to be around is sickening. It’s not even his own brother, he need never see him again. I’m struggling to understand how this family are all sitting around and protecting a man who fantastises about and is sexually aroused by children being raped. What a disgusting bunch of people.

Yes I’d be annoyed. But also your husband presumably knew there was no threat given that he was always supervised. I’d still have wanted to know.

would I end my marriage over this alone? Definitely not. If the marriage was in a bad place anyway I see why this may push you closer to divorce.

Wow you must be in so much shock - your husband lying, your MIL telling him to lie and your SIL staying with him - what the actual fuck to all of it.
I get he was embarrassed/ashamed to tell you but that doesn't mean he gets to avoid telling you. You are as certain as can be that your daughter has not been at risk so now it is if you can forgive this. I think for me even if I tried I would not feel the same way about my husband that he could not inform me of something like this - what else would and could he keep from me?

Do you know if the other sister in law with the cousins knows? That would also worry me as to whether she has also been kept in the dark.

Id be livid and very worried in your shoes but in a horrible way you can protect your daughter more easily by staying married, as you can refuse to go to any events where your bil will be with your daughter.

Please make sure you personally tell the other SIL. Please don’t back down on this desire not to see him again. Don’t let them think you’re being difficult; you’re not. Please also write or text or speak to your MIL. If she thinks this is ok, this could mean it’s not her first rodeo with this kind of stuff.

I don’t think I’d end my marriage over it as long as my husband understands what part he’s played in making you feel like this. Counselling is a great idea. He’s put his dysfunctional family above his “new” one and that’s very upsetting. His mother is abhorrent for asking him to keep this secret. I’m sorry you’ve been left outside this.

You are doing the right thing keeping yourself and child away from him. Never let anyone tell you different.

I’m so sorry OP, that is absolutely sickening. I understand the impulse to leave him, but as other have said, it means less control over your DD’s time with his family.

From here on in I would definitely refuse to go to family get togethers. Your DH can go on his own and you stay at home with your DD. I wouldn’t be allowing the grandparents alone time with your DD either. I just wouldn’t be able to trust them not to invite your SIL and BIL over. I’d also block the BIL on all social media and no more photos of your DD on the family WhatsApp group etc.

I wouldn’t have anything to do with any of his family .How can they welcome him with no thought for the kids he was viewing online disgusting the lot of them.You should of been told

Is your social media locked down ?
I would not allow MIL or SIL to have any access to any distal photos of your children.

I think I would ask DH to go to counselling to explore and fix whatever in him made him agree with MIL to minimise and hide this, concealing it from you and putting your child potentially at risk, and do couples counselling to explore the same thing and how he can rebuild himself worthy of trust.

If he can’t face up to what he has done and why he has such an appeasing relationship with his Mum you may need to split.

In which case I would tell him that any single breach of safeguarding, photos available within the family, contact etc, would result in you contacting social services and police and you will do all you can to ensure he never sees his child again.

If you stay with him I would outline that as a condition too.

MIL has shown herself untrustworthy and must never have unsupervised contact with your child.

Bloody hell, why are people so pathetic? Huge sympathies OP.

You absolutely had a right to know. This has happened to me, not once, but twice. I have two family members who are convicted of child sex offences (in both cases, the child was a family member, one of them his daughter). Separate ends of the family, they don’t know each other.

It’s completely unacceptable. I do understand that people are ashamed and don’t know how to deal with it. There is little support for families in minimising risk. All the support seems to be focused on family reunification. But nothing supporting people who cut ties.

What’s done is done now. You need to figure out how you move forward. I got a lot of the “but we’d always be vigilant and make sure he didn’t abuse YOUR children!” from family. Nope, not good enough. In one case, one of the men has offended again since (but not been caught, I only know because his partner confirmed it). “But we’d make sure he didn’t do it to yours!” Absolutely no way, not on my watch.

The only acceptable solution was to go no contact. For Dh, this was really upsetting with his family member because Dh is a people pleaser and doesn’t like to make a fuss. He felt a lot of guilt about putting those boundaries in place. I gave him an ultimatum. You choose us and go no contact for our children, or that’s the end of our marriage and I will move far away so you will not easily have the ability to facilitate contact with the abuser. I meant it. Dh realised how serious and came around. We have not seen either family member since and we’ve moved on and have a lovely life. We are also NC with anyone who is an apologist for these losers. We are the black sheep in the family. But I’m happy to piss people off if it means my kids are safe.

Please make sure you personally tell the other SIL.

Please do this, OP, if she's in the dark as much as you were, she'll be unwittingly putting her children at risk.

I suspect the main problem is the minimisation of the offence, this will have been "just" a few pictures that were in some others he down loaded, that he "never looked at" or "didn't know he had" or "someone else used his computer but the police didn't believe him" or hes been "wrongly convicted" or a la Hew Edwards "I was sent them but didn't want them and told the sender never to do it again"

That and the "difficulty" in excluding him from the family. If his wife is standing by him the MIL won't want to lose her daughter etc etc etc. Far easier to keep the status quo.

For me I would want to find out what he was actually convicted for, there will be court records, and you can ask the police for information under Sarah's law....I suspect it will be far worse and far more damning story than he's told the family. Then your husband might feel differently.

As he has contact with children I would make a social services referral.
This is too serious to leave. You already know that the family will minimise and hide what they don’t want to face.
You can protect these children it doesn’t seem anyone else will. I appreciate it’s an awful position for you. Make an anonymous referral if that’s easier.
Your husband was in an environment which minimised the offence. He needs educating and social services may be able to help with accessing this too.

This would be a relationship ending offence to me. The not telling you is one thing, but then taking his own daughter to family events he knows one of the attendees has been convicted is just so out-there.

I think it's also strange that he's still part of their lives like this, and suggests to me they don't take his actions as seriously as they let on.

How awful.
I'd be furious with DH, this was a deliberate choice to deceive you about something crucial to your child's wellbeing.
I don't know how he can make it right between you again, it is a betrayal of trust.
I suppose he was still seeing his obligations to his birth family more important than his obligations to you, as it was so near the start of your relationship.
I'd be having words with MiL too, in front of him, asking her why she thought not rocking the boat was more important than DD's safety. Ask her how she thinks you will be able to trust her with DD now?
SiL didn't have to stay with the perpetrator, she doesn't have children, why have the whole family chosen to protect this man over and above their own flesh and blood?

Your MIL and DH’s responses explain a family dynamic that probably explains to a certain degree) why his sister remains with her H. Your DH simply prioritised the ‘reputation’ of his family over you and his child.

Four eyes are better than two, he let his child be in the same room as his BIL because it was easier than doing anything that would raise your suspicions. I would want to understand him and him to understand himself much better before I would attempt to trust him. I suspect there’s a lot of bs buried under his family’s carefully crafted veneer of respectability.

I agree. And I’d be the one to tell her if she didn’t know.

I would be disgusted if I found this out, so you're definitely entitled to feel this way. You deserved to know and I would feel it was a betrayal to not be told. I don't think I'd end my own marriage over it, but it would take some time to forgive DH I think.
I would ensure that DD is never again in BIL's company. I get that she's safe with family around but you've no idea what sort of thoughts he might be having and that is enough to make me feel physically sick. So going forward I wouldn't agree to attend any family events that he's at. She deserves to be kept away from him.

Slightly off topic but what on earth is wrong with the people who've seemingly forgiven him?! Your SIL for staying in a relationship, MIL for wanting it kept a secret. Gross. They are very questionable people in my mind for allowing him to stay in their lives!!

This. I wouldn’t end my marriage, but you need to be fully aware that this person is a risk and your dh needs to be really open now about what the convictions were.

Massive safeguarding fail on your husbands part. To safeguard your child you needed to know your BIL is a danger to kids. Him being embarrassed is not reason enough to keep this information from you.

is there anything else he is keeping from you information wise? How can your husband have your trust after being so untrustworthy.

That is an incredibly naive statement.

This is a young child in a family were they protect a pedophile. Children can be abused and groomed in plain sight. Any child is at risk when in a room with a pedophile. And her father kept that risk a secret because his mummy told him to.

awful, weak man. It is this sort of family dynamic that allows child abuse to continue.

I could never respect a man who did this. He should have put his daughter first.

Cut off all in laws who socialise with the paedo. Once a paedophile always a paedophile.

The family chose not to shun him, but there are valid consequence to that choice , such as you and your daughter having no contact.
I’d also be honest with the child when they are age appropriate as to there being someone in the IL family who is harmful to children and broke the law for being a bad man. In case a situation ever arises where she happens to be with them / him. Also tell your family and circle so they understand why you do not have contact. To save yourself making excuses and also to protect the child incase a situation arises where you’re no longer here. Sorry to be morbid.

I understand why DH said nothing. It is shameful and he was afraid you’d go. Which you might have done.

A child sex offender who has some level of ongoing support is a lot less likely to reoffend than one who does not. If your in-laws are willing and able to monitor and support him, that is no bad thing.

It does not excuse your husband keeping it from you tho and obviously he should not be anywhere near children.

You may want to look at the Lucy Faithfull foundation sit for some insights into this. Clearly your DH and MIL would benefit from some help. Their inform program is designed for families of perpetrators https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-the-behaviour-of-another-adult/inform-for-families-of-people-who-have-offended-online/