Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

I don’t think you should ditch him just for bad sex without trying to fix it, but it the two of you can’t have an open conversation about it and he won’t open up then that does sound like a problem.

Always at least one person with the most mental take 😂

Life is too short for bad sex! If you really are compatible and it’s a sacrifice you can make then I’m sure you’ll find a way. But if it was me I can’t stand boring vanilla sex. I’m rather adventurous 😂

A friend of mind was in a relationship with a man who just wasn't into sex particularly and she was. Their relationship was ok in every other way. They went to a sex therapist and spent a small fortune. The sex didn't change.
They ended up splitting up.
He found someone else.
She's still single.....but happy now (after a couple of other relationships!)

But this man is in his late forties, not an ingenue. If there was ever any chance of him being a good lover, he'd be one by now. He's either got some problem or he's just not that interested.

The why doesn't matter, actually. The only thing that matters is that you find the physical side of the relationship unappealing and unsatisfying. Not sure why you don't just be friends.

If sex is essential, then you could try more coaching but it's unlikely to be great, if you don't want to live without it then it's a deal breaker and you should call it off. On the other hand, if you're happy in all the other aspects and are happy to have a cuddle and sort your own needs out then would that work?

It's utter rubbish that a 45 year old would have trouble being intimate with a 50 year old woman.

My mum is 69 and she has all sorts of ages trying to get into bed with her (she doesn't do it) but she has friends who have had flings with men in their 30's and 40's and 50's. This is hardly unusual so it's a bit odd that PP would think that a younger man wouldn't want an older woman.

OP, it is definitely a concern that he doesn't like you to show him how you like to be touched. I wonder though, whether that is to avoid having to do something he doesn't want to do?

If he is OCD then certain things may bother him! For example, my DH really tries but can't bear fingering because the textures and fluid sets him off. You can get great little finger gloves now from sex shops which are perfect. Also incorporating sex toys is great too! Using a bullet vibratory provides a degree of separation for clitoral stimulation and may help him pleasure you if he hasn't got his technique quite right.

It may just be that he is controlling and lazy in bed, but you seem to be advocating that he is a nice guy, so wanted to offer an alternative perspective.

You said you will never live with him regardless, so it doesn't seem like he will be able to take advantage of you in that way. And I'm sure you care clever enough to tell him where to jump if he asks for money.

If he is an overall great guy then i understand why you wouldn't want to ditch him. It may be worth getting to the bottom of his issues though, if a somewhat fulfilling sex life is important to you.

Disagree. What bothers her now will become excruciating down the line. Her self-esteem will end up in tatters because she's unwanted. That's what it comes down to.

Oh God. Please don't invest your time and heart with someone who doesn't need relationships. I was married to just such an ambivalent, sexless, and over-independent man. People like that just don't value other people that much. It's a type of selfishness. It's no fun and ultimately just very, very boring, in addition to being soul-destroying. It will only get worse, you know. In a couple of years, you'll find yourself in a gorgeous place on holiday, sitting on the balcony in the warm breeze at night, looking at a beautiful view.....alone, because he's gone to bed early claiming a headache or something.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and find someone's who's emotionally and physically available.

But how can it be a great marriage if the sex is shit?

I think it could still improve slightly, but it’s a very different scenario to the one you described when you were young.

If you want more of a sexual relationship, this isn’t your man.

Not necessarily true. In my current relationship I’ve had a lot of sexual insecurities raise their head that have never been a problem before. Ironically my current partner is the most loving and kind of anyone I’ve dated.

I would bin it off. There are millions of men in the world. Find one that wants to be with you and is kind AND is good in bed!

I can bushit on his maying it hasn't been an issue before. Might be because I've been in situation. He said exactly this, the reality was he'd never been good a sex never really got going with penetation and had ED. It was so unfair of him holding back the info. Seemed he has strung along previous partners too. All because he just couldn't open up and be intense properly. At age 50 this seemed lame to me beaucae he consciously strung me along and had me trying bloody everything but he knew it was his inadequacy and didn't tell me.

Maybe he has never been into sex or is very insecure about it and has zero confidence. Hence doesnt touch u ect but is reluctebt to be honest. He response when u bring it up is very telling tbh

You won't be able to sustain this I don't think. U less ur happy with a sexlss relationship pandering to him not being able to be honest with u
X

Because people who aren't interested in sex are more likely to see living with Ma and Pa as no problem. I couldn't wait to leave home, and a part of that was because I wanted to get fucking, which was not possible in my parents' house.

If you're looking for sex a few times a week you'll probably have to go even younger, men in their late 30s / early 40s seem to be up for it.

Forgive me I haven’t read the whole thread. I think it depends on how important sex is to you. I don’t particularly rate it and would put up with little sex for a great relationship in other ways.

I dunno. His last GF may have just never told him he’s shit in bed, so he genuinely never realized how crap he is.

I’ve had mind boggling dreadful sex with men who clearly have no idea they were dire. I never told them either.

That was literally my ex husband. He lives with his boyfriend now.

I don’t think it’s the case either .

I fell it’s more one or both of these .

I think you're better off waiting for Mr Perfect.

Blimey - I think you are getting some hard responses on here OP.

It also sounds like you have good insight as to what might be the cause.

Maybe nothing needs to be 'fixed' - give yourself time to come to the right answer for you. Usually if we cannot decide on something it's because we don't have enough info yet.

Take the pressure off as suggested up thread.

It'll either work out or it won't & in time you'll work out what to do.

He sounds very old fashioned. I think the problem seems that he’s just a bit of a geek. A bit nerdy maybe? Not a drip as such, but not a blokey bloke.

A 45 year old bloke who won’t walk around naked or swear and is crap in the sack would not be the man for me.

What about her pleasure though?
I don't think I could properly enjoy myself if I had to give a grown man a gold star every time he got it right in bed lol