Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

And you know he didn't have problems previously how? Have you considered he wouldn't tell you if there had been?

You don’t need this man. I can’t see why you’d want this man…
Go back to being friends.

I really don’t think that is correct, where on earth did you get the idea that a 5 year age gap between 45 and 50 could be such a biological problem?! I feel there must be literally countless real life examples to disprove that!

Not followed the entire thread so apologies if I’m doubling up on anything but wanted to put forward a man’s perspective:

no matter how experienced we are, we often still get nervous about the first time. After all, bad sex the first time can make or break whether the relationship goes any further. I used to get so worked up worrying about being shit, I would either get bad PE or a limp dick - once that’s happened , especially the first time, the anxiety gets ramped up a few notches. I imagine given you were friends before, there was probably even more pressure.

If he has a low sex drive, he probably isn’t bothered about a) having sex and b) having good sex. The two go hand in hand. Also, if he’s neutral about sex then he probably isn’t overly fussed about your needs being satisfied.

It may be the sex is different to what he’s used to. Have you asked him what he likes and what he doesn’t?

It sounds as though he needs medication in order to ‘perform’ - if this is the case then this will only increase his anxiety, and it is unlikely he will want to be intimate unless he knows he can perform - ie he has taken a viagra etc in preparation. Believe me, I’ve been there and done that and it becomes a habit / ritual which can exacerbate the situation.

i’ve had relationships ended because of issues and bad sex on my part; i’m now fixed and i couldn’t settle for bad sex in a relationship - it’s that important to me.

Only you know if the same applies to you.

If you are keen on the relationship then I think you should keep trying. I’ve been in a relationship which took a while for the sex to improve but it was worth the wait.

That's really shallow...
There must be loads of men.out There who are good at sex but not nice partners at all.

He sounds lovely OP. Rarely does someone that makes you really happy come along.
Don't base the relationship just on the sex.
Nobody is perfect.
Better to have someone like your partner, than someone whose horrible, likes to drink, gamble, possibly beat you and all the other horrible baggage people come with today.

I’d put a huge amount of money on his having a porn addiction.
The fact that he doesn’t like you guiding him to give you pleasure solidifies it for me.

Are those the only two options?

So op has to go round now searching for a perfect man. Good in bed, honest, caring, kind, dosent drink beat her, dosent cheat, dosent take drugs, good round the house, dosent lie come on how realistic is that.
People live in cloud cuckoo land.

Christ. Your posts are terrifying

Exactly. People are pathetic thinking the perfect person exists.
I'm sure alot of the poor women who are killed by their partners every week were having normal sex.
What would they have rathered, a kind and non abusive man I am sure.

Are clean and tidy ? Men like that.

I must be living there too as I've got one of those and know plenty of others too. It's really not that extreme a wishlist and no reason to stay in a relatively short relationship where the sex is dreadful. It won't get better and there are many better alternatives.

(Mine's not perfect btw, no one is, but I disagree with your notion that OP has to go searching for a mythical perfect man. It's fearmongering to suggest that's her only option if she doesn't put up with this guy's shortcomings)

It could be any number of things. When I DP reconnected with religion it definitely did a number on him sex-wise.

However, for me a relationship with bad sex would be a deal breaker. I’d rather maintain it has a friendship and have no sex/romantic involvement than bad sex. It really gets under my skin.

I honestly would like to hope that you are right and I am wrong. I would be delighted to be proven wrong about it, but the experience of all (literally all) women I happen to know shows the opposite. Women over 50 disappear as a class not only for men, but for employers, for good parts in theatre and film, they become invisible - countless literature on that. It is something to do with 'reading fertility signs' by the limbic system - in other words, as soon as we finish our periods, we disappear from the male radar. That is why this m45 and f50 is such a mismatch. Whilst m45 can be classed as fully reproductive, f50 is over the hill in this respect. It is sad, it is not nice to realise, but it is, unfortunately, true. I say it with sadness as a woman.

I'm another who'd suggest taking the pressure right off, enjoy the improved kissing and cuddling and just see what happens. Be positive about anything that goes right.

However, I'm afraid I wouldn't give it more than a year or so. At 55 sex is really, really important to me and there are luckily a lot of people out there who feel the same. It was such a joy at 49 to find that I really didn't need to coach people in bed any more (I'm differentiating here between skills coaching, and sharing your personal likes, which is fine. I also had amazing sex with a terrible kisser, which was a shock to me - I agree that it's possible to fix bad kissing because it sits in the 'personal likes' area.)

I think you're making a lot up that simply isn't there. A PP also referred to bitchy comments. There's no misandry. All I see is people sharing their experience of how heartbreaking and soul-destroying it is to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you. And it's natural to hunt for reasons why, since regular healthy straight men usually want a lot of sex. There's nothing wrong with being asexual or whatever the issue is, but PPs' points are that he is not right for OP.

A year with someone who doesn't want me?! Jesus, I would NEVER give this situation a year!!

Clearly it’s not the important to the poster. Something you don’t find important might be really important to other people believe it or not

Fuck me the bar is really set low if that’s considered a perfect man when actually that’s pretty much the standard anyone should expect from a partner.

Agreed @TwistedWonder. I've never had a partner of longer than a night that didn't fit that description and a lot more (so do I!)

Yup. Spot-on. I was married to one. They absolutely cannot cope with real relationships or real women.

Don't worry everyone. This poster posts a lot of weird stuff. It's always outrageous, and I have serious doubts that they're a woman.

"Women over 50 disappear as a class not only for men, but for employers, for good parts in theatre and film..."

The hate is unreal. I wish they would just go away.

What on earth is this? Please pack your bag,the 50's want you back.