Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

You remind me of a woman I used to know - we were all in our 20s, she was pushing 50 and we were all doing the same degree. She used to be genuinely surprised that none of the 20-year old guys in our tutor group asked her out, but were always asking their contemporaries out. She used to ask us 'why? why do you think is that?'. It was beyond embarrassing. Once, after a 20-year old male mate of mine joined me and her at our table in the dining hall and I introduced them, for ages after she kept saying 'I bet he asked you for my number and you did not give it to him'. We were too timid to tell her she was mad.

Is he on antidepressants? They can surpress the male orgasm.

If I was with a man who didn't want to discuss my pleasure or sex at all, in order to improve it, I'd put him in the bin. Your pleasure matters OP!

This 100%. It's horses for courses & nobody else's business how big an age gap is if the couple are genuinely happy.

I agree with pinkdelight. The "something else" has died, go back to being good friends. Hopefully you will find someone who is loving and wants the same physical relationship you do, and enjoys touching you and being touched.

Keep him as good friend.

You mentioned erectile problems and problems climaxing. I am guessing these will have made him nervous about sex. I think "fear of failure" in sex can be a big thing for men.

It might improve in time. I have definitely had at least one long sexual relationship that got better as time went on. (He had problems ejaculating but that improved as we got into a rhythm, and after a while the sex got really rather good. Until he lost interest in me for other reasons).

I would persevere if I were you, as it sounds like in all other ways he is meeting your needs. And, it's difficult to know how to put this as in some ways it's great that you are prioritising your needs, why shouldn't you? But don't over do the criticism/coaching. I think men in particular are sensitive souls who don't always take criticism well, especially around sex. It plays into their insecurities.

Instead, I would be over the top delighted when he does do something you like.

Could you for example move his hand to where you want to be touched, then be very vocal about how great that is, comment afterwards on how much you loved it, etc?

Most people like to be praised and thrive on it. So I would look out for any good moments in the sex and praise them massively! Rather than necessarily criticising, however constructively you do it, the negatives....

Good luck!

I had a similar issue a few years back @Flowerylight The sex was absolutely dreadful.

I posted on MN, and the overwhelming response was that life is too short for bad sex. I ended things, as I love sex.

I spent the next three years wanting him back. He was a great guy and I missed the many benefits he brought to my life.

We got back together last spring. We started having so much fun again. I lowered my expectations in the bedroom. And I gave him space. I didn't raise it as an issue. I don't know what, but something changed over Christmas. I think he relaxed into what we had. And the sex improved. And he stopped being so prudish. He even asked me to bring one of my toys along to a weekend away, and asked if he could watch me use it on myself. I'm not swinging from the chandeliers, and don't ever expect to be with him, but it's much better than it was.

And I'm too old to be ditching a great man that I have so much in common with, who makes me feel great and treats me well, over his bedroom performance. I'm so glad we got back together.

If everything else is working for you, then I'd stick with it and persevere with the sex. Don't make it the be all and end all. Give him space and time.

Their posts are certainly always "interesting".

have you seen the state of some men in their 50s who date younger women?

Lol

That is a 20 plus year age difference.

This is a 5 year age difference.

It is nothing.

It has never been thought big, I know women going back to the 50s and 60s whose husband's were within 5 years of their age (younger).

I know you said you didn't think porn was responsible,but this was the first thing that crossed my mind on reading your post. So many men have become dependent on the stimulation that porn gives them that they struggle with 'real' sex.

This is exactly what I thought!

I would be over the top delighted when he does do something you like.
Could you for example move his hand to where you want to be touched, then be very vocal about how great that is, comment afterwards on how much you loved it, etc?

I know why you're suggesting this, but is there anything less sexy to have to do for a man, at this point in a woman's life? Better to chuck him back (or in this case reassign to friend status) and find a man who actually likes fannies and isn't utterly clueless about what to do. They're not that rare that we have to put up with cheerleading a 45yo through sex rehab as if he's just emerged from a coma.

" In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent "

I have friends like these, and they also seem to have a natural flair and a lot of style. They are gay men.

It's also too long to spend having shit sex..

Take no notice. Hwi has very weird opinions. Or just posts shite for fun.

I'd go back to being friends OP. It shouldn't be this hard this early on. If someone isn't interested in your pleasure it's never going to get better. You're worth more.

Boyfriend like this he eventually admitted being sexually abused in his school days. By a teacher. His school was religious, he sang in the choir. I gave up in the end.

Sounds like porn to me - exactly the same ‘symptoms’ as my STBEXH!

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my boyfriend 4 years, we've must of had sex about 5 times.
We are intimate in other ways, but it was getting to me so much. I blamed myself for it, I was sure it was down to my weight, maybe he didn't find me attractive 😭 I did end up asking him and he said it wasn't to do with that, but the fact his legs turn to jelly afterwards 🙈 He didn't last all that long either, so then I thought it was that.
I have accepted it. I love this man, he's kind, funny, and literally perfect apart from that.
I'm guessing it all depends whether you can live with it 🙈

This would put me right off. It sounds depressing. Life is short and I would want hot, filthy, kinky monkey-sex with a man who knew what he was doing, if I was going to bother. 🙊 I've been in a sexless marriage and it was terrible. Trust me, if you're this dissatisfied now, you're in for a world of pain. He sounds like a good friend but that's all. Don't try to force something to work if it doesn't. If he's not bothered about sex, just be friends.

Massive red flag for me personally. I was married to a man who I thought was wonderful in every way, loved to cuddle too but the kissing and sex was awful. Just like your man took ages to orgasm and lost erections. I wondered if he was gay. He wasn’t but as I was an adult I was too old for him. He’s currently being investigated for child sexual abuse. When I say being investigated, I’m really just waiting for the police to submit to cps and fully expect him to be charged as I know the victim who was a 7 year old child at the time of abuse. Not saying your so is guilty of this but there is a problem here.

I’m mot surprised he’s nervous. Sounds like you’re criticising everything he does.

I’d give this a time limit in my head. If after 6 months (say) of effort there aren’t improvements to sex life then you need to think ok this is it, this is life with this man. Am I in or out. Stick or twist.

My partner has issues with staying hard and ejaculating and it was down to him being single for a long time and ultimately having a tighter grip than I can give him so lost sensitivity. Can be an awkward conversation but if you think that could be the issue he should take at least a month off pleasing himself and when your with him use a lot of lube

I had a female friend who was in a long-distance, near-sexless relationship. He just had barely any interest in sex. The man in question had been divorced, after three years of marriage. One of the funniest stories I've ever heard was that apparently, his ex-wife rang him up after their divorce, and on the other end of the line was the loud sound of her having sex with someone! 😂🤭