Really lovely man, but the sex is dreadful

[Flowerylight]

So, I'm early 50s, happily single a long time and tbh expected to stay that way. Then a new friendship blossomed into something else.

In many ways I can't believe my luck, he's kind, reliable, funny, intelligent, respectful, interesting, solvent and we share many interests at the same time as enjoying things seperately. He's 5 years younger.

He's very affectionate and really loves a cuddle, but he's not bothered about sex or kissing. I don't think I'm sex obsessed I'm certainly not up for anything exotic, but I do enjoy being intimate and was hoping for good sex a couple of times a week.

Initially even the kissing was disappointing, but I've "coached" him and that's much better now.

With sex, he's clearly inexperienced and nervous and initially had trouble maintaining an errection. Once this became apparent he got himself tablets quickly and they've made a big difference, but it's still really inadequate. He doesn't want to touch me intimately and takes ages to orgasm himself, often not at all.

I've tried to gently coach him and I can't get to the bottom of his reluctance at all. In every other aspect of life he wants to make me happy, but this seems really difficult for him. When I tell him it's a problem for me, he says he understands, he's trying and it is improving, which it is, but is it ever likely to improve "enough"?

I've tried asking what he likes and what I can do to help, but the only things he comes up with are variations on a cuddle.

Does it just need patience and practice or is it never likely to get good?

He says his last relationship was 6 years ago and these things were never an issue then, which he doesn't mean to be an insult to me, but feels like one!

actually they are dead right rgds employment in the film and TV sector , and for that matter being invisible post 50's... but I don't agree that this carries through to personal relationships

Is he on antidepressants? They can fuck with sex drive/erections/ability to orgasm.

So, I’ve RTFT and my thoughts:

• Erections aside, if he’s not willing to get you off - toys, fingers, head - how does he justify that?
• You’ve been asked his accommodation situation more than once and haven’t answered. Is there a reason for this?
• You say you don’t think porn is involved. May I ask why?

Having only read a few replies, if he’s ticking all the other boxes, what’s the issue?
Maybe he feels under pressure to ‘perform’

This actually made me laugh. Are you saying men in their 50s, 60s & older aren't 'up for it'
Try saying this to my Dh in his 60s 😂

He might have a high threshold if he doesn’t finish. That means it that it takes a lot for him to get off. Check out this article: www.chicagotribune.com/2020/07/13/ask-anna-man-cant-ejaculate-with-girlfriend/

I agree.

Sounds like he has deep-seated problems.

And not wanting to please you is a red flag. Sounds like he just doesn’t enjoy sex much. Maybe due to those deep-seated issues…

Well they are correct aren’t they. The evidence is there on a national level. Just not sure it applied to this particular situation

Keep him as a friend… without benefits..

From all you’ve said, I feel you’ve got to decide if what you have in this relationship is enough. Do the pros outweigh the cons or vice versa.

PPs are wrong. Actually life is too short to commit to a man with bad sex as a big factor. Are you guys seriously really willing to settle for that because you bloody shouldn’t…? I don’t think you should be advising OP on what you’ve had to put up with, recommending she does the same. Your experience of crap sex doesn’t mean that she should follow your example of putting up with it. it’s shitty to even say that OP should.
This one needs to be thrown back. It doesn’t matter PPs saying to put up with it because obviously you don’t have to. And you bloody shouldn’t have to!
PPs, you can start a thread to bitch about the shitty sex life you have. You’re taking the piss to pile it on OP here.

I’m sorry to hear this is happening to you. I ended a relationship with a man in November for similar reasons (there were other issues too). He started off being willing to kiss and have sex although it was very brief - he would come very quickly, pull his pants up and leave the room. Gradually he wouldn’t even kiss or hug or touch me and if I suggested sex would say “please no, god no” or literally just stick it in and come and it hurt. Then started losing erections because I said I wasn’t ready and needed more foreplay. The icing on the cake was he stopped washing regularly or brushing his teeth to put me off.

Why on earth he even wanted any kind of relationship is a mystery but was clearly pretending somewhat at the beginning.

Your partner sounds much less selfish but all I know is that it chipped away at my self confidence and I felt like some sort of ugly ogre in the end. Are his other qualities worth the lack of intimacy?

I'm in exactly the same position @Flowerylight it's really easy for people to say immediately nah...the guy in question is genuinely the most lovely person I've met, I've been married to an absolute wanker, so refreshing, but here lies the sex issue, it's like dating a teenager again. This is what I've summarised, very freedom like, body conscious, small pens, tight foreskin, been manipulated with sex in previous marriage, slightly prudish and on medication. All a contributing factor. Intimacy is massive with me and although he's very cuddly, doesn't intoate or is very talented. I'll be honest it's hindered my confidence as a person that's quite flirty/charming. I've had the most amazing sexual experiences, which I'll cherish but that was about the extent of them. I've decided to not let the decent people get away. Over time with trust hopefully things will progress.Not belittling intimacy in anyway but there is more. Also may not be porn or gay ..he may feel intimidated or going through midlife hormone ahit? Good luck and you do you 😊 x

Unless you're Judi Dench, the late Maggie Smith, Joan Collins, Meryl Streep, Sharon Stone and loads of other names I can think of.

It won't get better.

You don't want to be his sex counsellor or therapist.

I read your post and so much resonated.
In my marriage, sex was more important for me. Over the years it tailed off. my ex was also from a religious background and grew up in a household where sex was taboo. Our libidos were mismatched. I tried for years but he wasn’t receptive. I ended up having an affair and discovered that men enjoyed kissing, my pleasure was important and enjoyed the most amazing sex. I realised that he was quite selfish a pattern replicated elsewhere in our marriage.
The Marriage ended, my choice and any future relationship there will need to be a good sexual connection. I think you know in your gut what you want, some things don’t change. Is it enough for you? Only you can know.

No one is telling OP to put up with it. Not everyone prioritises good sex above everything else. I had the best sex of my life with a man who turned violent and emotionally manipulative and the worse sex with a man who treated me so well and was funny and smart and lovely. It ended for other reasons (not the sex) but I’d never have ended it for that anyway. OP asked for opinions and some people have different opinions to you. That’s what this is for 🙄

I have so many friends in their mid-fifties who are having healthy and happy sex and relationships with men from forties plus. I think your rhetoric that women "disappear over 50" is outdated, and you can find any story that you seek in "countless literature" but a lot of it may have been written by the patriarchy or women who have bought into it. What is wrong with the OP's situation is not the age gap in the relationship, it's that her chosen partner is having difficulties between the sheets, and to blame that on her being too old is a toxic masculine response that is just not helpful for her.

I did wonder about that too. Has the OP asked him about that?

It used to be the case, but I think that is being challenged now: take Sharon Horgan (54) who is rocking it by writing and starring in her own shows. If you want to watch things that only have MAWM in the lead then you might think that's true, but if you take a step back, women are really breaking through in film & TV and importantly, not just as actors but as executives too. Killing Eve anyone? Written and produced by women, starring the amazing Fiona Shaw (67) How many awards?!! It depends where you look and what you watch.

I've been thinking about this, OR there is something he's not told the OP yet; that he needs certain stimulation, kinks etc to get off? Has the OP ever had the very open conversation about sex, the "what are you into and not into?" convo?

She does not have to go searching for anything. Her life was fine before she met her current partner and can be fine again.

Two words: Helen Mirren.

Because middle-aged men who are still living with their parents or renting a small studio flat sometimes 'fall in love' with an older woman who has a spacious house and a good salary. I'm not saying it is the case with your friend, but it does happen.

It doesn't account for his lack of desire to touch her, his embarrassment about being heard having a wee, pulling his clothes on straight after being naked, not wanting to be seen naked etc etc.

This is a non-starter and it's pointless IMO looking for reasons. The guy has issues and it's very 'unsexy' to be in the role of this therapist