3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

OP, he might shape up when the baby arrives, you never know. Have you expressed clearly to him how tired you are and how much of a toll pregnancy and birth take on women? He might not realise, since we apparently do it all the time.

Seriously? You really think this man will shape up?

My 83 year old neighbour dragged my bins down my drive last week before I could because he knew I had sprained my ankle (not a break, could walk on it but was limping). if you need to be told that a 38 week pregnant woman - the one that lives in your house for the past 38 weeks - might be tired you are either a selfish fucker or terminally stupid.

Wondering why you would choose to procreate and be tied to this selfish jerk for decades until the child is of legal age? Your best bet would be to get a divorce and just go on and be a single parent without having to hear his mouth, clean up after him, or do his bidding. Your life is going to be that of a single Mom even though you have a whole husband. SMH.

Theres something really revolting about men who harp on about “equality!” - but ONLY when they want to get out of doing something. They never talk about equal pay, or better healthcare for women, or DV rates, or the fact women are treated unfairly in the criminal justice system. oh no. They only care about equality when they want a woman to do something for them.

It's hard to avoid the scan issue, as it shows a lack of interest in the pregnancy and a lack of support for you.

It sounds like there is no respect in your relationship

Yes he should take the bins out. He said he would and you need you rest more.

Being flexible, being able to roll with the punches, having your schedule and your plans completely thrown off regularly and being able to cope with that, are HUGE and important parts of having a new baby and successful parenting IMO.

I would start warming him up to this idea now.

I would also show him some facts on what the human body is doing when it has a baby. How much extra work you are doing. How it impacts the body. Some links below which I hope help.

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/science/pregnancy-energy-costs.html

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2019/06/06/limit-human-endurance-discovered-duke-university-pregnancy-close/

Yes, he should have been taking the bins out for months now if thats what its hard for you now.
He is behaving like a spoilt teenager not an expectact father /if thats a word/.
I would re-evaluate the whole relationship, as in leave it.

My ex husband refused to help me paint the nursery when I was very heavily pregnant; he let me climb up ladders and paint the whole fucking room alone and then criticised the job that I’d done…note the ex. He wouldn’t have taken the bins out either OP. He’s a cunt and so is yours. I’m sorry.

He literally spoon fed me several times when baby was attached to me 😂 also often would hold a sandwich up so I could take bites

You’re heavily pregnant with his child and he treats you like that. Honestly @pleaseguveadvicenotattack you would be better off without him. I’m so sorry. 💐

Of course he should be wheeling the bins out. You should definitely not be doing it.
I can’t believe he’s leaving you for two holidays this close to the birth.
Do you have your mum/sister/friend who can stay after your baby’s born? I can’t see your husband doing two weeks of everything.
And if he won’t eat meals that have been frozen you make sure you have plenty for yourself, he can do his own shopping and cooking.
I feel angry on your behalf. If either son in law treated my DDs like this I’d slaughter them. 😡

It’s all very well saying that but not realistic. Where would she go? She might not have parents to help and, let’s face it, not many friends would take in a woman so far advanced in pregnancy.
if people want to make a ‘helpful’ comment, they might at least suggest something doable. We don’t know that she can just up and leave, and she may not want to.

You are about to have a baby with a man who doesnt care about you.

I know you dont want that to be true but it is.

He will do his two weeks and that is IT.

If you have a section and are struggling, tough, he did his two weeks. If you need sleep, tough, you agreed to him sleeping. If you cant cope, tough, he is paying the bills (TELL me you are not doing 50/50 financially whilst on maternity?!).

This is your life. Tough.

We will be here all the time you need us, until the day you realise that your life would be easier without him in it. And we will help you then too.

How is he pulling his weight if you’re EIGHT MONTHS pregnant - with all the physical changes and tiredness that entails - and h’s still always thinking about HIMSELF and what he can get out of the situation “well it’s not my turn to cook” “well she could put bins out if she wanted it done”. Is this a partnership? Would you be the same to him if he had a bad cold or had twisted his ankle? You’re about to be a family, focussed on what your baby needs - from both of you. How is is “well I need to have exactly divided cooking duties etc” going to play into that?

He told you to clean out the fridge? I don't think you actually realise how that, and things like talking about "the rules", sound to people who are not in this type of controlling relationship. I'm not pregnant, or ill or anything. If my DH ever TOLD me rather than ask me/discuss it with me in relation to a chore in the house he would not do it again, I can assure you.

Why pander to his crap about not eating food which has been frozen? What exactly would he do if you batch cooked and served meals that had been freshly frozen?

It's probably already been said, but go stay with family. Aside from your husband being a dick, you should be resting and looking after your body, mind and baby. The mental and physical stress is not good for you. God forbid, if you should get preclamsia from all the stress, or fall and injure yourself because he can't get off his lazy arse and do the bins, you could risk injury to your baby. It's just not worth it x

Leave him. He doesn’t respect you. You don’t have a loving, caring relationship so what’s the point of it? Your child deserves better. You deserve better. My XH treated me like this. He had an affair and left me with 3 children under 5 years old. Best thing he ever did. I had a fabulous life without him and have a great relationship with my children and grandchildren. He’s on his 3rd wife and had multiple flings inbetween 🤦‍♀️

I dont know how else to put the to you OP since you seem to have more to say to people trying to help you than the “man” involved.

If he really believes in 50/50

If you are doing 100% of the creating of this baby, he should be doing 100% of something else just as exhausting, demanding in return. Might I suggest 100% of all household chores.

You have to move on. He’s not going to get better

You are not being unreasonable

He's an utter pig

If he's not kind to you now he will never be

Please, I know it's not the right time, but don't let this be your future

He's treating you so very badly

What do you want anyone to say?

The best advice is to get ready to leave him and go it alone but can you do that and are you ready to hear it?

So because you were pregnant and going on mat leave your colleague couldn’t take annual leave? I’m sorry you had a bad pregnancy but that’s not your colleagues issue. He’s not your husband

They're trying to get through to you just how bad he is

Any redeeming features that you think he's got, well actually, he hasn't

Out of interest, how old are you both and were you working up to this stage of your pregnancy?

Awe, what a great man, person. Lucky you.

Do you only have one hand?

He is going to use that for the rest of your life. Problem is is that he doesn’t come first. If he can’t take care of his sperm than he shouldn’t be allowed to use it. Your problem is is that you’re not putting your needs first. Is he more important than you, is he more worthy than you and now add in your child. I don’t think he is.