3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

You are growing a human. When the baby is born, you will still be growing a human for the first weeks, just on the outside of your body. He could build a house from scratch and it wouldn’t compare to the amount of work you are doing.

I had hyperemesis my entire pregnancy and then a very high needs newborn. My husband worked himself hard taking care of me and then taking care of us.

A baby/toddler doesn’t fit into a perfect routine you have to work around them. Who takes the bins out is going to be the least of your problems is a few weeks time. Even if you do every night feed it will still be a massive shock to him.

You say you want advice. He needs to access some therapy to learn to be more flexible despite his neurodivergence. The alternative is you go on doing everything he wants how he wants it and probably bringing up the baby single handed whilst making him dinners because the baby will be disruptive for him. He’ll suddenly find more excuses to go on holiday with his friends and the relationship will ultimately be unsustainable for you.

Are you in the USA?

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne no why?

My advice is that I hope you have caring parents and you can call them and move in with them to have the baby.
he won’t look after you. If he has to cook for you for the first two weeks he will hold that against you in a nasty way as we’ve seen about things like taking the bins out.
you do not need to calm down, you need to get more mad. What does he do for you that a roommate wouldn’t? He does his 50% share except for aanything to do with the baby and is a total prick about anything else, while you are 38 weeks pregnant with his baby.
with night wakings, many women agree to do them. If they are moderate. Many men share them, and if baby is a terrible sleeper you will find it sooooo hard without his help, which he won’t give to you. Sleep deprivation is a registered torture method. women in good relationships who do the night wakes get the sleepins on both weekend days and holidays.
pleaee believe me when I tell you this will get worse because you will have a baby. You won’t have time or patience for the man baby who says you can’t batch cook as he won’t eat frozen. You won’t be able to keep your job and care for your child without batch cooking. You will need more and more that he steps up as a partner and he doesn’t plan to. I really think you should if possible move in with your parents now, and have a supportive environment to have a baby in. Your baby deserves a mum who’s being looked after my someone who loves her while you’re trying to look after a brand new tiny baby that is totally completely dependent on you.

a random stranger would likely take a bin off a heavily pregnant woman yet he can’t do it for someone he’s meant to love?
Fuck that

It will be so much worse when the baby is born.

Sometimes local teenagers put out bins and bring them in for cash. It is their little business. Inquire about out sourcing the bins.

Yanbu op he should have put the bins out. He should be doing more than his exact 50% of chores now and for the next 6 months at least. Because you're heavily pregnant and will give birth, which you will need to recover from, and then will be majorly sleep deprived. Given he's not flexible I think you should talk it through now so he can adjust. It would be much better if you didn't need to spell this out but perhaps that's just not how he thinks. I guess the only thing you could liken it to for him would be an operation with recovery time?!

That would be difficult given his head's already up there.

A genuinely loving partner would want to help you out and make sure you’re not overdoing things at this stage of your pregnancy.

Why isn’t he? And I’m afraid I don’t think it will get better once the baby is here. I hope you have people around you who can help you, friends and family.

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack you asked for advice so here goes.
Decide what is acceptable for you to parent as a team.

Do not get into the default parenting mode whereby your dh just picks and chooses when to be a father.
If he gets to sleep all night then he can pull his weight more in the day.

He should be cherishing you as the mother of his dc. Don’t allow him to minimise pregnancy and birth. Childbirth is the most dangerous thing that most women go through.
Your dh needs to be putting you and the baby first.

He sounds like a real twat and I am sorry to say this is all likely to get worse when the baby comes
Mind you I never take the bins out 😂

It isn't that he should have put out the bins (he should), it's that he should have wanted to save you putting out the bins at your stage of pregnancy.

You need to prepare yourself and get some real life support (and yeah, sucks, but make some dinners for yourself and put them in the freezer - and don't let that leeching bastard eat any of them) because this man will be AWFUL once you have that baby. He will throw at you that you aren't working, he will do nothing, he will let you do every feed/wake up, he will be AWFUL. It is perfectly clear to the many posters on here who have some experience of life, babies, marriage.

That is why we are not all focusing on the bins. yeah he should have put the bins out. No you were not unreasonable. That is the absolute least of your problems.

And - whatever happens and whatever you do or however you cobble together a relationship with this lazy selfish shit, please please please do not give up your job because he says it is easier/he won't help out/he says you have to pay for childcare. Save yourself from a life of misery.

I've not asked him to attend any hospital visits nothing - and I still get treated this way.

So what was he doing while you were at your appointments? This isn't sounding very 50/50 at all...

Would you be happy for your future daughter to be married to a man like your husband? Would you be happy for a man to be treating her the way your husband is treating you? Or would you be praying that she found the strength to leave him. Would you want better for her?

Ask yourself why you're settling for a man who treats you like this.

He doesn’t care about you. He’d rather his heavily pregnant wife went out and moved bins just so he can still be the big man who has the control and power. Bet he feels great that he goes on holidays while you stay behind.
He won’t care even when you’re struggling with a baby. He’ll still go on holidays and be the big man in control.
The bin thing is symbolic of his feelings towards you.
Ask yourself what kind of man does this? This is why people are disgusted with him and angry because you deserve better.

This is only going to get worse once the baby is here and you have that to deal with too……..he’s still going to expect you to do everything you’re doing now while you’re not able to, good luck is all I can say I think you’ve picked a difficult partner……

Totally. Imagine seeing a 38 week pregnant woman putting f a bin out- who wouldn’t jump to help?? This dickhead who’s the ops partner and baby’s father, that’s the only one.

You keep moaning about not getting advice but you have had it several times over - get out. That's the only sensible advice here. It's not going to get any better when a child is added to the mix. If he can't see that you are already doing so much more by doing all this heavily pregnant, then he'll never see it when there's a baby either. He claims he wants equal but what you're doing is miles from that. You could sit still on the couch all day & still be doing more than him because you're growing A WHOLE HUMAN!

Fair doesn't always mean equal.

Your DH doesn't get this and doesn't want to get this.

I would not spend my life with someone who bean counts life and 'jobs' in this manner. It will grind you down and you will be miserable and exhausted.

It won't get better. You will be on your knees with exhaustion 2 weeks after having the baby, but your 'time will be up' and you will be expected to resume 50/50 no matter how you're feeling, no matter how breast feeding is going (if you're doing that), no matter how feeding is going generally, no matter how little sleep you're getting, no matter if you had an emergency c-section and require more recovery time as it's major surgery ( don't be told otherwise), and so on. But he will be bean counting and reminding you of all he is doing and how you need to do your 'half'.

You really need to hear what other posters are saying on here to you about his attitude towards you.

But telling her to get out when she's about to have a baby is extremely impractical.

OP, he might shape up when the baby arrives, you never know. Have you expressed clearly to him how tired you are and how much of a toll pregnancy and birth take on women? He might not realise, since we apparently do it all the time.

Did something happen that all of the sudden he just started to treat you like crap or was there inklings of this person peeking out and you chose to ignore and thought a baby would make it all better. Making people responsible for things they don’t want doesn’t work and I hate to say it but men do not care whether your on birth control or not, they just just want sex with no protection. Women need to stop relying on men taking care of it bc they don’t care and women need to make sure the man loves her and wants to marry her before she commits to having a baby. Everyone is going to be but men are just as responsible but they don’t think so. Women aren’t winning this war on who’s protected. Men can walk away and they do.

Forget the bins. This prince among men is taking a holiday close to your due date. It screams of infantile selfish behavior which will only get worse as time goes on.
I'm genuinely sorry for you my husband can be a prat but even he would never have dared to do this. I've only skimmed through but you do seem to be making excuses for him, and there are none. It's terrible behavior.

OP you need to bin him!!

My DH does most of the housework and cooking as I’m too exhausted from pregnancy. He sees it as doing his fair share because I’m busy growing a whole human in my body.

Your DH needs a wake up call.